it wasn't the way you held me in your arms
it was the way you put your hands around my neck
and pushed me to the ground.

it wasn't how you complimented me
it was how you lied, saying things like 'you'll change.'
and say unnecessarily mean remarks.

it wasn't the way you looked at me
it was the way you sat and watched me wail, sob in pain
and my body shut down multiple times from all of it.

it wasn't the way you cared
it was the way you would never choose my life
over what you want.

it wasn't the way you took care of me while I was sick,
it was the way you did nothing, slammed the trunk of your car
on my head and played video games without an apology.

it wasn't the way you adored me
it was the way you look and comment on my body
more than you look at me and my soul.

it wasn't how all you want is for me to be happy
it was the way you pretended to change
and go back to the same cycle for the millionth time.

it wasn't the way you apologized to me
it was the way you say it with no meaning
or feeling of remorse.

it wasn't the way you paid attention to me in awe
it was the way you never listen or get excited to
hear my stories, but you like to forget what's important to me.

it wasn't the way you loved me
it was the way you enjoy watching me hate myself
more and more.

I was never his queen.
I was a beggar for love,
for respect,
for a partner.

it crawls into and creeps
in your mind
and inside of you
is an uncontrollable rapid
that your heart struggles to keep up
and your breathing shakes
your skin turns cold like you're
drowning
wondering when
will it stop
and a soft whisper tells you
to fear for your life.

silence is loud when you're alone
and it's not the absence of noise
or the humming in your ear,
it's something only you can hear and no one else
it's constant and explosive and all around
it's the uproar of your thoughts
making all that sound

you can try and hush it,
try to make it a nice place to be but
you know another just comes
and it can affect you, hurt you
leave you in a loop— analysis paralysis
now don't lose yourself in it
break from that cycle, don't let
it eat at you bit by bit

it's like a virus that spreads
and starts numbing your body
your mind'***** overload and
just blaring, almost deafening...
but still,
you can never hear complete silence
not even when you're alone
so go rest your heavy head
and escape from reality
i'm sorry you have to do it again
because dreams are temporary.

don't call us “friends”
when all you do is pretend

act like you don't want to attack
but you'll do it behind my back

and all i've been was loving and nice
but you were threatened by my spice

you mistake me for being flirty
when you're the who did me *****

telling everyone i'm the one to hate
when all i've done was be a good mate

so go on and talk **** about me
and i get we all have our insecurities

but don't be fake and start talking ****
hurting other people is just not it

words are just as hurtful as fists
pain like this can exist on wrists

there's too much hate already being hurled
when are you gonna realize we need more love in this world?

if you're wondering if i'd ever do that to you
i don't have the heart to do what you did to me too

and in the end, i'd still care about you
even if our relationship decides to fall through