Please don't talk about him.
My brain, my eyes, my fist,
Strain.

Expose me not to demons but your divinity,
That of you which belongs to another realm,
Another cloud, another time.
Expose yourself not to those eyes and that hair,
He endows himself the world and gives not
Care.

Ease me, or at least
Tolerate.
Because, honestly,
You please me,
And you see me
And lead me away from death.

And I don't want to die.

A cold wet nose being buried in your hand on a Sunday morning,
A best friend, soft ears, bittersweet pain of a wagging tail,
Brown eyes, large eyes, eyes of a dulled vision,
He seems to smile, sitting there, panting in this heat, happy again,
His time is coming, but there is no fear, unlike our selfish ilk,

He is my friend, this beast
Of black fur and white stomach
Of bad breath and long nails
Of a warm neck hugging close this winter.

-June 13th 2013

"I closed my eyes and thought of where I wanted to be. I was in a red wood, colored in autumn. My breath could be seen in the air, and the large horizontal log I was sitting on was cold. There was a woman next to me, both of us were wearing gray hoodies, mine a thin, coarser material, hers warmer and softer. Her hood was up, mine was too. Both of our hairs showed from beneath the hoods. She had a cute nose and a nice smile, and curly brown hair like mine, but, softer and longer.

We were sitting together, clearly interested in each other, but not yet lovers, and not just friends. Facing downhill, we looked into the forest of large trunks and red leaves, or rather, she did while I looked at her silhouette. She let me look, I could tell. Something in her was warm, I wanted to feel it.

A daydream. A forced vision, rather."     -October 27th 2013

I couldn't breathe today when I considered certain possibilities,
I am so
T
O
R
N
.

I am bruised and glistening,
Attempting to collect what I can of myself for you,
So you could see
The truth.

I want to apologize for all these months,
But the time healed not only my wounds
But grew me a new heart
Wrapped in a salty, sharp, piercing, sincere, untameable soul,
GOD!
Gathering these thoughts is impossible for me
You destroy them,
I reorganize this tesselating mess of feelings and passion and appreciation
Only for you to smile or laugh or SPEAK
And blow the chains I forged apart,
And once again the wings flap inside me.

I want to be plain, speak clearly, but I can't grab them all,
All these lights inside me.

You have contributed to the construction of an indescribable sun inside of me,
The envy of Sol
For its vitality, mass and luminescence.
IRIDESCENT
                       you are!
It's killing me, your brightness,
For I cannot guarantee a proper expression into words and action
Conveying what I feel
And why I want to worship
The sun.
Blind.

I should stop.
You are a girl, a woman new to this same world as I,
Please do not over think,
Simply
Consider
me.

The bug bites on my arms are a reminder,
Of the night you said goodbye for now.
The bracelet in my room is a reminder,
Of the day you stopped, turned, and kissed me.
The poems I wrote, the salt in my eyes,
The song in my head and under my nails,
    Reminds me,
Of the time when you were mine.

“Welcome,” the Devil said, smiling.

An unclothed man of pale skin and toned muscles stood feet away from a teenage boy with black, ashy, hair. The boy was wearing a simple outfit; white linen with black buttons, dark pants. Confidently, the boy stepped forward. Inches shorter than the still heavily breathing man, he put his hand on the strong shoulder and looked up into dark, untrusting eyes.

Hell wasn’t anything like Adrian thought it would be. He didn’t doubt it though, this was Hell alright. Whiteness was everywhere, almost blindingly bright. Exhausted from the fight, the shock of getting hit, the running and tumbling, he breathed loudly through his nose. His body was as it was on Earth. His scars, sweat and blood were all identical to how it was in the fight only minutes ago. There was a gaping hole about the width of his extended hand through his chest; his heart was mangled and torn but somehow still pumping.

“You died, Adrian. And God doesn’t care. He’s never cared.

“You probably think that your life on Earth was righteous enough to make it to Heaven, to meet God. And you’re right, really, you lived well. Your final moments alone should be enough to give you an ivory throne, but no. Nobody gets into Heaven.

“I’m sorry, Adrian.”

The Devil slid his hand down, off of Adrian’s shoulder and turned around. The fatigued in and out of the fighter’s breath was the only sound in the air.

“I’m feeling generous today,” Adrian could feel a cool gust of wind behind him. The boyish Devil walked forward and placed his hand onto the man’s chest. Slowly, he could feel the hole filling up; a numbing warmth filled his rib cage, a new vitality. “Have a good life, Adrian. Enjoy your gift.”

The Devil shoved Adrian backwards. He gasped.

I dream of *** with pale girls,

It's honest and it's true,
Some nights I lay awake and only think of you,
My dreams don't come when I'm asleep,
They often come at day,
Sometimes they come while I learn,
Sometimes when I should pray,

I dream of white, soft flesh,
Her black hair's contrast soothing,
I think of how you may not approve,
If I did all the moving,

I don't know how to end these mirrors,
And they don't come all too often,
But I know that if I look too long,
My apathy won't soften.

There's only one thing about this situation,
And it's that you don't like me
Like I
Like you.

I can see it in your eyes Hailee,
Or rather the fact that
I never
Catch them.

When I look at you, you don't look back,
Your eyes don't dilate and I doubt
That you
Feel warm.

I didn't think I could feel this much
Care. For another person again.

But Hailee, I felt it for you.
The warmth inside of my chest and gut,
My face and arms and torso diffusing
Adrenaline.

I care for you, you are an amazing individual,
And it's okay that you don't feel it back.

I'm not your type anyway.

No shadow could be taller than a soul,
For souls can not be measured
    Only felt.

No person could outweigh a record,
But your soul could outmatch
    The Sun.

For the Sun’s light is dark compared,
To the glow from your skin.
    Marry me.

    You are my only warmth for winter.

I want to SCREAM!
I want to never be seen...

But I saw you,
And YOU SAW ME!

I keep feeling like you used me,
You lied to me and your love,
And one truth was more than the other,

Take your apologies,
                   They are the weight of paper
                                                                                                            *To me.

He never fought the dragon,
He never sailed the sea,
Or walked the two hundred mile,
    Like he said he would.
We never spent a lifetime,
We never kissed very long,
We never shared a bed,
    Like he said we would.
I never got the jewelry he bought,
I never kissed his neck,
I never went with the time,
    Like he hoped I would.

And now he’s typing this.
Weeping.

What matters to each his own is something different.
It's not easy to say
For each what may,
For some it's play,
For others, pay.
For me, it was pain.

I'm not the same.

Reading documents of the story when the sun that burned so bright,
    It burned out.
Reading, heeding, the warning signs of an event unmemorable,
    Disgusted.
Mistakes will not be repeated,
New actions are in order.

-July 13th 2013

My best friend died seventeen days ago.
I was strong. I was the lone strength in my family.
I mustered my muscles and carried his body to its destination.
And laid him down.
I paid the fees associated with death.

And I walked away.
Strong.


But in the last moments of seeing him being carried away,
My father reached out to feel his hair one last time.
Fourteen years of life, and this was goodbye.

I broke after that.
I let it out, all of the sobbing, the retching, the mourning.
My face was wet, my heart was wet.


And then I grew strong again.
I threw on my face of man,
And walked the world again.

Sometimes I think,
It makes me clench my fists,
And push my legs,
And yell silently in my throat.

My hands vibrate,
My veins pop out,
My eyes redden,
And my heartbeat races.

I think of kisses,
Doorsteps,
Park benches,
And grassy hills.

I almost cry,
Sometimes my arm lashes out,
I punch a wall,
And start bleeding.

Sometimes I yell,
I pick an object,
Today it was a banana,
And I just yell.

And sometimes,
I go home,
I fall asleep,
And dream terrible dreams.

I’m not always okay.

Immutable.

It means unchanging, unchanged, unchangable.

"  I CANNOT BE BROKEN
   I WILL NOT CRY
   I WILL NOT SUCCUMB
   I WILL NOT BE A PUPPET,
                                A PROJECT
                 FOR YOU."

It is the word for the strong, and for the stubborn.


Change, but never change. Remember.

Creation.
Destruction.
Union.
Serration.

I'm mad. The Mad Scientist.
Fantasy worlds. Pure science.
I was put here. By myself.
And by myself. I stay.

God won't answer.
No magic is true.
But the world, this earth,
      Her sciences,
      Her knowledge,
*will.

You lost, Marshall.
Came in second place.
Always replaced.
Variable placement.

You lost, Marshall.
You're on the ground.
Shivering violently, eyes pouring.
Bawling just above the audible level.

Marshall.
Your father told you,
"Lose it to the one you love more than anything,
The one you plan to marry."

So I listened.
But his voice,
It only traveled so far.
Stayed within these walls.

Stop shivering, Marshall.
You. Lost.
It is lost.
And it's your fault.


-- I am to blame.
-- And nothing will be the same.
-- Gold turned to stone.
-- So bright it once shown.

I feel like I could kiss you,
And my lips wouldn't feel like ice or mercury or death. Rather...

Warmth.
Not the kind of warmth you feel with a new pair of wool socks.

The kind of warmth you feel when your 6 foot 6 football-playing-friend embraces you like a lovable toothpick after his workout.
Where the sweat drips on your cheeks and forehead, and your legs lift off the ground and you know he truly loves you as a friend.

It's more that kind of love.
But still not quite.



The kind of warmth you feel when everyone is asleep and you're sitting in the darkness alone, dozens of miles from settlement, and you've kept the campfire going. The sun is starting to rise, you can see the blue in the sky. The heavy blanket around your body has protected you from the piercing cold. And you hear that zipper of the tent come undone and you see the white of a smile.

That kind of warmth.

I'd call them butterflies, but I have never felt one this big,
Let alone plural.

If an ounce more was taken from my body, and one more wing added to my stomach,
I could fly.

***
+
Tyrannosaurus Rex

I'm so tired of taking what I want,
I'm so tired of trying so hard,
Don't wanna find the truth,
I'm okay with the silence I live with.

Things will happen, they always do,
And I will not stop them,
Why hold back an elephant,
When it is too strong for you.

Sin tu, tengo tristeza,
Mi alma estâ vacia,
"Ayuda, ayuda. ¡Por favor!"
"K."

This is why I must find my gold in the banks of a dry river.

Cookie cutter templates for every soul in a building.
Sheep.

They are not the same. We are not the same. You are not.
The same.

They ran for days, he kept holding her hand,
They ran through the constant rain, the downpour,
Both of them soaked, clothes not of much use,
But she kept running with him, he was a promise of joy,
On the second day, she faltered, needed to go home,
     He waited.
     Was patient.

The sixth day of running, the rain never stopped,
She still had her white coat, grayed by the water,
He still had his black hood, frail from soaking,
He was tiring, losing his vision, she wasn’t pulling her weight,
He knew she could, he knew she had,
    So he let go.
    Unexpected.

She turned to him, “How could you do that, stop pulling.”
"I did it because I need to go where I am going,
I am a runner, and we all know that runners run,
So either run with me, or let me free for time,"
Squinting disapprovingly, she found a nice bench,
    And sat.
    “I’ll be here.”
    She looked.
    At him.
    As he ran.

He left her vision, she left his, but as he ran,
He could only think of those angel wings beneath,
Those soft lighting eyes of hers, that perfect smile,
He thought of the body beneath, the heart beneath,
In his endurance-fed fatigue, he dreamed, and only dreamed,
    Of her.

He came back round, his muscles having been warmed,
He came round, looking, searching desperately,
She was nowhere, she was hiding, she was gone.
“Beautiful! Where are you?! I need you, I still want you.”
“I am here. Look at all the friends I made. Aren’t they
    beautiful?”
    “Yes but-”
    “No buts.”
    “I’ve come.”
    She turned her back to him.


*He ran.

I watched the fire burn silently and slowly,
I watched it spread throughout the hills.
I watched the sky turn dark with ash as the vows you made had crashed.
I watched you burn as the fire came around.
I watched you burn.
I watched you burn.


**Burn.

Silence by the waters edge.
An ultraviolet flower sits.
He leans over staring at his image reflecting.

Never could he have thought to go a day without her.
But here he sits alone, alive.
*I guess I really did it.

His fist broke the drywall and paint
Like it was a glass ornament.
His knuckles pulsed
His heart pumped.
His tears built up
And flowed.

If I had jello in my veins,
I'd cut my wrists and drink
Scrumptious sugar sweet,
Rainbow colors within me.

I'm screaming.
My glottis has stopped the air form moving, but trust me,
It's there.
With pressure.

My eyes are about to pop out.

A hard iron ball,
Being pounded with hammers.
It heats, it stretches, it breaks.
The iron ball shattered, torn.

My love is like an iron ball,
Not much fun to receive.
Insignificant, unusable,
and Hard.

Put it on your desk.
It might have a purpose in the future.

My savior has come,
Beneath the guise of a girl,
Soul so soft and pure.

Blonde, brown, red, black hair,
Constantly shifting her head,
Left eyebrow terraced.

What’s the point of life,
If you are not beside me,
But only inside.

My ears need music,
That symphony in your voice,
Those tones I adore.

-July 1st 2013

The desire to question,
The terror denying.
Please not the truth,
I'd rather hear lying.

Lies bring warmth.
Truth brings cold.
This is a winter,
No freezing lulled.

Dull, lost happenings.
Not meant to be breathed,
Spoken beneath this roof,
"Encyclopedia of Regret," they read.

The smell of cigarette ashes
     is for me.
Musty, slow, deep and strong,
Breathe in gradually,
But breathe.

The scent reminds euphoria,
     of smokers long past.
A past even more so.

So if you catch me breathing in deep,
When you let out a lung of smoke,
     Remember I am just remembering.

Time washing away
The cuts

In your arms.
My breath

Weakens
At home.

Hear the doors
So far... Open

So much peace it seems
Safe.

Be.
Cause you won’t bleed

Under my wing.
You won’t cry

So long as I can see.
Don’t fear,

I’ve got you dear.
Or at least trying,
Not crying.

It’ll be a miracle when we can finally,
Be.
It’ll be a miracle if the world can finally,
See.

Breathe...
Why did you leave?

Spending nights alone in my bed,
Letting the monsters run around my head,
I can’t regret how much I spent,
I won’t take back how much I said,

You’re perfect to me...
Why did you leave?

I lost you like a bead from a bag,
Every word I mumbled just felt gagged,
Every night was just plain bad,
Everything I ate made me feel fat,

But you’re back,
And for that,

*I’m grateful.

That first day,
Seeing you so short,
Thinking you two years younger,
But your heart was infinite.

Your selfless smile,
Smiling voice,
And smiling soul are so,
Soft.

You deserve far more
Than the world gives,
So you take your joy,
In giving back to all.

You’re in safe arms.

I love you, Sam. I hope you’re okay.

She's fading,
That body of white light.
Burning in a shadow,
Technically a past.

The moon will drown in red,
And be watched by millions,
No more blue moon.

No more romance.

-

This seraph will bring fourth a new bright,
A light in her own right,
A smile.

Renaissance, rebirth.
Phoenix.

Foxfire you burn holes in my heart and fill them just the same,
covering my veins with glitter-dust and Ashes,
These ashes rebirth into something bigger,
Warming quilt of feather, Phoenix rising
Rising storm,
This thunder fills my lungs and fills my throat I want to sing. Bring.
I want to sing out the tar from my lungs
I want to paint this concrete with my love.

My lungs love
Doves to red and dug in deeper, Gold.

Accomplishing nothing just minor goals.
This coal can be painted with gold.

Coral reef, alveoli
These cables fill holes in me.

Rebar, concrete.
These fables fill my holes with gold.

Doves fill my heart's holes.
**Love
     Is
          Gold.

Pillars of your heart support the frames of my bed,
The sill of your sight enchants my glass windows,
And if your hand stays in mine, tears will never be shed,

Every cut, bruise, and scratch you get will be healed by my kiss,
If you ever burn down a tower, I will turn a blind eye,
Because even when you don’t try, you’re perfect,

Staying up late to not say “Goodnight my love,”
The only goodnight I want to give you is one without words,
Our kind of caring is something I’ve only spoke of,

But you are far more than any word can amount,
Your soul is something far greater than any voice,
And I wish we could just lay all day, not make a sound.

-July 4th 2013

Awkward stances in a makeshift kitchen,
Barely big enough for the two of us.

I stared at your eyes. You were real,
We were there. I almost kissed you.


Later, I was rubbing you. You asked,
As per usual. I loved it. You are a strong woman, but,

You were sore.

Had he not been, Had they not been,
I would have kissed you.


Like never before.

Seeing pictures of her hurts,
That girl,
The girl that walks backwards,
And never learns,

The girl that sheds a smile,
A charlatan’s smile,
Her siren skin,
Shed for some worthless sin,

Kissing up to strangers for drugs,
Letting them places no love goes,
Terrible doings just to get some,
Of that godforsaken blow,

LIKE WATCHING A CHILD JUMP,
    OFF A LEDGE!
I CAN’T STOP HER JUMPING,
    OFF THAT LEDGE!
DON’T GO!
GRAB ON!

Like setting fire to snowfall,
Like landing hard when you fall,
Like killing something unique,
You’re a tragedy,
to me.

-July 15th 2013

I don't receive her gaze, but I can gain her lips?
Gleaming eyes I wrote of don't look my way,
Nor do they even say "You matter."
Of all the things I would like most, just, one look per day?
Remind me of those nights, remind me how we tried;
Every day I wrote of you, that gaze, your skin, your laugh. Your heart.
Do you even care?

I fantasize about filling all my vein and arteries and my heart with a fine cement, letting it dry and removing the body.

Let me be miserable.

Love isn’t poetic, but we still try, we’re pathetic, so why do we cry,
We all learn by failing, that’s why we fail so hard.


Learning, and seeing, and breathing, it’s what we do,
And every one of us is leading, the pack through and through,

Every man for himself, Every daughter too,
Will keep going on, Will be reborn anew,

And really, I love you.

So gouge out my eyes and call me blind,
Paint my eyes black and call my words flat,

I am the captain of my life!
I am the ocean and the tide,
I am the boat beneath my feet,
So come sail with me,
        SAIL THIS SEA!

So grind!
     down my fingers and tell me
           to climb!
I will fly!
     so far away from your lies,
           NO TIME!

Don’t tell me that life is black and white,
Cause I’ve see the reds and blues so bright,
Don’t tell me I have to stay here,
‘Cause there’s so much I fear,
        COME WITH ME DEAR,

I am the master of my soul,
I fly my colors whole,
I am not afraid to see what’s next,
The future is so complex,
    But your eyes are still my objects
                    *of desire.

Do you ever wonder what will happen to the webs in life
If you start tearing down the walls.
Do you ever sit and stare at the happenings and wonder
What it’s all for.

Do you ever wonder why we dream,
When all we dream is seeing.
Do you ever sit and think,
If you stand for a whole lot more.

Well you see sometimes in the dead of night,
I start to see what it all stands for.

Every drop we add to life,
Shakes the pond in every way,
Everything we ever do,
Can change the light of day,

And every time you ever think,
About the way it all goes,
Your thoughts can do a whole lot more,
Than you may ever know,

Cause the spider may spin her web,
And you may not like the sign,
But if it’s really meant to be,
It will not be a lie,

Cause in the end we have walked our line,
Down the path we just believe,
And if you ever look so far back,
You may be able to see,

That your whole life is anything but,
It will never be nothing,
All choices you have ever made,
All mean one great thing.

To the phantoms and fakers tucked away in my skull,

JUST GO!

To the haunters and creepers tucked away in my brain,

JUST GO!


Pack up your bags,

Take the bus closest,

Go somewhere high,

Throw over a rope,


With that ****** rope,

Pull yourself down,

Below the surface water,

And please,

        Drown.


And while you’re in hell,

Please do remember,

Hiding behind that shell,

Toying with the kind souls,


And I hate you cause,

When you broke that seal,

You became special,

A special kind of,

Evil.


-July 14th 2013

I want to feel like king again.

And feel loved and safe. I feel so alone and cold. Like I'm sleeping in an unenclosed barn in some tundra and the doors keep flapping open and my sleeping bag has holes and it's been years since anything besides spiders and moss has lived in here.

I feel like all the warm families and all the soft lovers have vanished and left me to my own devices. Like the last man on this cold, dead earth. I want to have purpose again. A reason to wake up and a reason to not throw a bullet through my brain.

I feel like I have asthma, or the air is so frozen it hurts my lungs. I can't breathe and my skin is starting to boil and my hair feels so unkempt and my beard just keep ******* growing no matter how many times I shave it. ******* I want everything to stop, but not freeze, I want the badness to go away and the goodness to come back.

I feel like I'm reverting. I'm devolving into the lesser person I once was, I'm losing what defined me. I want to fade away entirely or come back in full, not stay at 70% opacity and kind of just float here in limbo. I want to know that I'm not wanted, or be told that I am. I don't want to have to guess and play guessing games with life.

Being born is the most cruel gift I've ever been given. I am so very lucky to be born, such low odds of it happening, and at this golden time nonetheless, but GOD do I suffer in this golden gift. I am obliged to live a life, and a full one, but that life is inherently founded in suffering and constant war with attrition and loneliness and disease and age and heartbreak and cancer and hatred and cold. And we fight these things and it makes us happy, but we have to keep fighting and fighting and fighting for that happiness. We can't just rest and be happy because it will all start to crumble. Your money will dry up and your health will decline and you will get cancer and you will succumb to dark mental places and you will lose everyone you love if you stop fighting. So we don't have a choice we have to just KEEP FIGHTING. God, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of suffering for the sake of avoiding a worse suffering. I want to just float. Just put the car in cruise control and coast at a healthy spot. But I can't.

Not with my mind. Not with my wallet. Not with my heart.

Life is the cruelest luck.

They say if you look at the sun too long,
An image of it is burned in your eyes,
Well, I must have looked at you too long,
‘Cause your image is a 3rd degree burn,
And every second I spend breathing,
I see you.
I feel you.
I ache you.
I bleed you.
I need you.
I gauge you.

But I run.
I run from you.
And I hate myself.
Every length of my being.
I hate myself because,
You are me.


-April 21st 2013