To sleep and be okay is what I dream for
Longing no longer to wait out this storm
Merely content with the concept of existing
And let the world continue busy.

Foxfire you burn holes in my heart and fill them just the same,
covering my veins with glitter-dust and Ashes,
These ashes rebirth into something bigger,
Warming quilt of feather, Phoenix rising
Rising storm,
This thunder fills my lungs and fills my throat I want to sing. Bring.
I want to sing out the tar from my lungs
I want to paint this concrete with my love.

My lungs love
Doves to red and dug in deeper, Gold.

Accomplishing nothing just minor goals.
This coal can be painted with gold.

Coral reef, alveoli
These cables fill holes in me.

Rebar, concrete.
These fables fill my holes with gold.

Doves fill my heart's holes.
**Love
     Is
          Gold.

Love,
Dismiss my words if it pleases you,
But when I say love, I do not lie,
You may think my repercussions untrue,
The teenage seat I sit on is not high,
    by any stretch of the imagination.

Beau,
I asked for leave to find myself, no other,
I drifted the truths and fallacies in my mind,
Everywhere I looked, I found your eyes of thunder,
I clipped my wings so could not fly,
    rather I dug myself underground.

Jami.
I retired my soul into the shape of a seed,
I’ve undone any impure thoughts, confessed,
Gone into stasis, awaiting my lead,
Demoralized, destroyed, beat back by the stress.
    I can wait. I will wait.

If I lived her life,
I'd **** myself,
Every ******* day.

I'd put a gun up to my head
And send lead through my own brain.

I wouldn't keep on living if I knew I was a liar,
I'd try to be pure,
I 'd push myself through fire.

And sure, I'm not pure,
But purer things desire,
That purer men seek purer still,
Unlike that ******* liar.

The world will keep spinning
If the population starts thinning.

Maybe she can be the beginning.
*Of the end.

One eye too far is what it takes to ruin,
A perfectly good lie.
The watermark holds secrets hidden,
Hold it to the fire.

Seven minutes.
I guess that's what I spent outside today.
Seven minutes to smoke at a church
And violate it twice.
First with ***
Now with ash.

Ashes I shed
And how sad it has been
Alone.

I started doing new things
Maybe hoping that you would start caring.
Or maybe that they would **** me
And I could just stop beating.

Stop my heart. My loud heart.
Stop the hurt. The alone.

Stop beating
Stop beating

STOP BEATING
STOP BEATING.

breathe









I never really feel okay.
I'm not sure what I need,
But I'm pretty sure I'll never get it.
Seven minutes in heaven.
It's like there is no message.
I'll never get it.

Do I have to conquer this demon inside me?
Or can I let him flourish?

Do I have to restrict my god given right of self pleasure,
For the benefit of us both?

I want to let him roar, stroke his mane and feed him.

But his stomach will sit empty for now.

Decadence,
Indulgence,
Celebration,
Euphoria.

Desolation,
Emptin­ess,
Forsakenness,
Pain.

They say if you look at the sun too long,
An image of it is burned in your eyes,
Well, I must have looked at you too long,
‘Cause your image is a 3rd degree burn,
And every second I spend breathing,
I see you.
I feel you.
I ache you.
I bleed you.
I need you.
I gauge you.

But I run.
I run from you.
And I hate myself.
Every length of my being.
I hate myself because,
You are me.


-April 21st 2013

“Would you like some more Love, sir?”
“Yes please.”
Like water her words restore the flower’s hue to the best blue.

“The rose petals reminds me of your lips, Madam.-
    So, soft.”

*She blushed.

And does my heart beat for the thought of her,
Or is it the presence of her comfort,
That makes me feel like I am so **** sure
That she and I could be such great lovers.
Is it the fact that she can laugh so great
That I am sure the gods boom and smile too,
Or is it how she stealthily speaks weight
Through the actions she takes in telling truth.
She takes me on some sort of shocking flight
When I search for what I truly do feel,
She makes easy the fire and stops the fight,
She takes the tall monster and makes him kneel.

We are based on a foundation of trust,
Which tells me that this is not just some lust.

I was seduced
And I seduced.
And I lost and she gained
And so I stole back something else.
*Assurance.

I know you’ll find your way,
You’re strong,
Strongest woman I’ve ever met actually,
Gorgeous too,
Intelligent.

You can live without me,
And though months it may take,
I will live without you.

You couldn’t be the one, you know
I worship you,
But you hurt me, ignore me.
You don’t love me, not much at least.

I wanted to spend my life with you, but it looks like things have changed.
I promised you, “I will love you as long as you will let me.”
You will not.
I cannot.

Goodbye, Belle. Your name means beautiful, and if you take nothing more from me,
Know that you can, and will be wanted, loved.

I need closure. I need joy in my life.

I can feel my heart beating,
I can feel it in my legs,
I can see my lungs breathing.

I know why I’m still alive,
I know why I’m still here,
I know why I bother to try.

I see the hidden lines,
I see the secrets they hold,
I know they are no lie.

*I know why I care for you.

That's not even a poem but I love it.

I couldn't breathe today when I considered certain possibilities,
I am so
T
O
R
N
.

I am bruised and glistening,
Attempting to collect what I can of myself for you,
So you could see
The truth.

I want to apologize for all these months,
But the time healed not only my wounds
But grew me a new heart
Wrapped in a salty, sharp, piercing, sincere, untameable soul,
GOD!
Gathering these thoughts is impossible for me
You destroy them,
I reorganize this tesselating mess of feelings and passion and appreciation
Only for you to smile or laugh or SPEAK
And blow the chains I forged apart,
And once again the wings flap inside me.

I want to be plain, speak clearly, but I can't grab them all,
All these lights inside me.

You have contributed to the construction of an indescribable sun inside of me,
The envy of Sol
For its vitality, mass and luminescence.
IRIDESCENT
                       you are!
It's killing me, your brightness,
For I cannot guarantee a proper expression into words and action
Conveying what I feel
And why I want to worship
The sun.
Blind.

I should stop.
You are a girl, a woman new to this same world as I,
Please do not over think,
Simply
Consider
me.

My nirvana is this wonderland of white and black,
An empty sheet of possibility, all my thoughts I unpack,

My eyes see cold pixels, my fingers feel a board,
But the palpable essence of a soul is restored,

How could a screen of light bring me such comfort,
Typing these words, from my road I must divert,

With short taps I paint faces, colors, monsters and more,
I resort to my adagios for a softness unheard, life I ignore.

Light is love,
Love is light,
I need both,
In the night.

You are love,
You are light,
You take away,
All my fright.

I hope so
I really do.*

I do too.

Dr. Maj: I am satan !
Ghostly: Is that so
Ghostly: I guess you've received a lot of mail recently coming from all the dyslexic children writing to Santa.

Recklessly waving my ribcage like some paper prize for all to see,
I can't quite see what I think,
I trust my gut too much and follow a trail unnamed, untamed, unfeigned.

It's offensive; being pensive and walking slowly, defensive.
It is not my right to gain her sight without giving something in return.
I have nothing to give, when will she learn.

I am a pauper, improper.
I am an author, a stalker,
A talker.

I have words and letters,
The bird's feathers,
But I cannot fly.

I've tried.

Like holding your breath under fourteen feet of water,
Coming up,
    Craving air,
        Calling for it,
            Swimming faster,
                Feeling the pain,
                    Then,
It’s yours.

A full lung of oxygen,
Body panting,
Treading so desperately,

But safe.
Finally safe.
Above the seemingly endless drift of space between the bottom and the top,

Smiling again.

-July 9th 2013

Some nights when I lay alone, awake,
I dream of you,
And my lungs emit an echo,
Like a dog missing his master,
I moan for you,
It’s like crying,
With no sound.
It’s like dying,
With no blood.

I crave the texture of your skin,
The color of your eyes,
    Even if I can't see them at night,
It’s enough to know you’re there.

But I long for you,
And I hear the sound of my blood-
        Beating.
Because the flesh in my chest is dragged in your compass,
And the blood in my body is dragged to your presence,
And the hands at my side are dragged to your essence.

I miss you.

I’m sitting here dazed and confused,
Rethinking my actions I took,
Why must I always lose,
When it comes to winning a look.

I spoke you mine heart,
Told you its temper,
But you see only a part,
Only just an ember,

Embers can burn like before,
Fires can too,
But a flame is much more,
Flame’s heat can warm you.

Embers come from fire,
Find the dancer’s source,
Lay your head for you tire,
And think of the lines I implore.

Stay warm, love.

If I search my depths I cannot find
the reason why I hate you,
I know I've searched and I know I've tried
And I know I can't escape you,

It's been years and years it's been
And I know that things have changed
And I know that hatred is the source,
Of my unyielding pain,

But I can't let go of this feeling
When I see your face,
The blood in my heart begins to boil
And rush up to my face,

It hurts again and it hurts like then
And I feel some sort of hell,
And I feel those feelings come out like steam
And scream from deep in their cell-

"I want you gone or I want you dead-
Not in this life or any,
But inside of me your fingers remain
and have done damage aplenty."

I hope you hear these cries I make
For they cannot ever be spoken,
And I hope you know I mean no harm
But my peace can bear no token,

I am here and I am strong
And I am loud and I am Marshall,
But yet I break with ease,
I hope you know I'm trying my hardest
And please grant me some kind of peace.

Frienemies with benefits
I suppose that's what we are,
It's really not that bizarre.
Kissers, and snugglers and touchers,
not lovers.
We might only go so far.

But if one or no soul asks me,
I am grateful for you,
     And I.
How we're something new.
We're
Sometimes just two in a room.
Sometimes something good ensues.
I'm grateful.

A love-sick dog.
But every bone he digs up was put there by some other dog.
They all taste like other dogs.

But he stops.
"*******, the bones don't taste like other dogs,
My TONGUE tastes like other dogs."
"Those *******."

And so he spent the next couple months applying acid to his tongue,
To burn out the taste and smell of the girl-dogs he had been with.
But it never worked.

He's still trying though.
To burn the taste away.

He wants a clean bone.

Joyous smile,
Lightning eyes,
Comfortable hands,
A neck so inviting.

Rebel haired woman. I love you.

Burn me,
With acid.

Burn me
Alive.

Six hundred feet away
The PA system of the nearby school comes on

Ding **** ding
"Good afternoon students! Let's have a wonderful afternoon here at __ Academy!"

I wake up and look around and realize I'm okay.
I have no overwhelming desire to die or eat or cry or complain or to really do anything.

I'm happy.

I want to feel like king again.

And feel loved and safe. I feel so alone and cold. Like I'm sleeping in an unenclosed barn in some tundra and the doors keep flapping open and my sleeping bag has holes and it's been years since anything besides spiders and moss has lived in here.

I feel like all the warm families and all the soft lovers have vanished and left me to my own devices. Like the last man on this cold, dead earth. I want to have purpose again. A reason to wake up and a reason to not throw a bullet through my brain.

I feel like I have asthma, or the air is so frozen it hurts my lungs. I can't breathe and my skin is starting to boil and my hair feels so unkempt and my beard just keep ******* growing no matter how many times I shave it. ******* I want everything to stop, but not freeze, I want the badness to go away and the goodness to come back.

I feel like I'm reverting. I'm devolving into the lesser person I once was, I'm losing what defined me. I want to fade away entirely or come back in full, not stay at 70% opacity and kind of just float here in limbo. I want to know that I'm not wanted, or be told that I am. I don't want to have to guess and play guessing games with life.

Being born is the most cruel gift I've ever been given. I am so very lucky to be born, such low odds of it happening, and at this golden time nonetheless, but GOD do I suffer in this golden gift. I am obliged to live a life, and a full one, but that life is inherently founded in suffering and constant war with attrition and loneliness and disease and age and heartbreak and cancer and hatred and cold. And we fight these things and it makes us happy, but we have to keep fighting and fighting and fighting for that happiness. We can't just rest and be happy because it will all start to crumble. Your money will dry up and your health will decline and you will get cancer and you will succumb to dark mental places and you will lose everyone you love if you stop fighting. So we don't have a choice we have to just KEEP FIGHTING. God, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of suffering for the sake of avoiding a worse suffering. I want to just float. Just put the car in cruise control and coast at a healthy spot. But I can't.

Not with my mind. Not with my wallet. Not with my heart.

Life is the cruelest luck.

Don't make me fall more deeply than I have,
The hole I've fallen into still has handle bars.

But deeper, where you're dragging me,
There is only one way out.

Down.

Sail the nebula above,
Perk your head slightly,
Highlight the light in your eyes,

Discard your box of fears,
Enlighten shadows,
Sit with me, just be mine,

Taste the air softly silent,
Turn over a new leaf,
Let me see you in new light,

I’m sick of these metaphors,
Stop playing this game,
Tired of writing these lines,

From the start,
I’ve scribbled so much,
Where’s the art?
Where’s your touch?

I don't receive her gaze, but I can gain her lips?
Gleaming eyes I wrote of don't look my way,
Nor do they even say "You matter."
Of all the things I would like most, just, one look per day?
Remind me of those nights, remind me how we tried;
Every day I wrote of you, that gaze, your skin, your laugh. Your heart.
Do you even care?

I don't know what to do!
I'm losing her!
The young father cried to his parents.
What can I do?!

His mother spoke menials
Stupid remark of a sheltered woman
And a barely assertive lifestyle.

But the grand of fathers sat and listened.
He got up to leave.

Dad, please. What do I do?

I don't know. I couldn't even stop my own son from killing himself.
Don't ask me.

It seems the little man with his hammer and chisel,
Has cracked the top of my skull,
Made a crack not so little,
And now my brain’s far too full,

Tick tick tick,
Ting ting ting,
He caused a split,
Heavy hitting,

This migraine is mine,
There’s not enough time,

Not enough,
        Time.

Two lovers,
In a red wood,
Laying,
Together.

He traced the veins on her arm,
Gently.
She stared at him, at the little smirks he made,
His brown eyes.

He had been waiting for this moment,
For years,
Right here,
Alone, calm.

They loved.

Call me Lucky.
It is my name.
It's how I see, breathe,
My life is full of it,
I can trust myself,
     The world.
It always resolves the storms around me,
It calms the waters of life,
It stops the bleeding,
      And while I'm healing in the recovery ward,
          It will even give me a sweet for my courage.
I am Lucky. I fear nothing,
     Because I know that I am made of steel,

I cannot repeat a pain as great I've felt.
     *So why fear.

The rhythm of our rain is spastic,
Unexpect the worse,
Feel the drops on your eyes,
Feel their abstract drift down your face,
Palpable as the day we met,

Never see the next drop coming,
But always dry off for more.

I'm a pacer.
It gets me places.
It gets me out of my head.

I walk
I turn
I walk some more,
And I calm down from what was said.

Ze said it's self soothing.
I say it's just anxiety.

I say it's torture because I have to choose,
Do I let my feet ache,
Or my head.

I turn my head left first,
Instead of right,
When I leave my apartment.

To see if you're there.

You tell me you get so afraid,
I tell you not to worry,
But I’m shivering,

When you say these things,
They seem so innocent,
But I imagine the worst,

I fear the lines hidden behind your eyes,
Hundreds of miles away,
    So easy to trick.

Don’t hurt me.
You say you couldn’t,
But you did before,
I can’t help feeling helpless,
I can’t even save you.

Our sentimentality is a bandage,
But sometimes my blood is too much,
It leaks through the stitches,
Soaks the wound in red,
        I fear bleeding out.
And a whole lot more.

*Hold me.

She controls my brain
I control my brain
She controls my brain.
I fixate.

Ironic I was begging a day ago,
Feeling the winds shift around,
But somehow I knew you’d show,
And attempt to dampen my sound,

I knew you’d uncover that husk,
I knew you’d sing some new lie.
Instead of prepping, I was having fun,
And when I read that line,
    I thought I’d die.

I thought you were gone months ago,
But I knew I was ******* wrong,
Somehow I knew the monster’d show,
And for some reason, I’m writing this song,

What makes you think you can barge in,
What makes you think I’ll even notice,
You should know when I spoke of skin and sin,
Your husk of black was not the focus,
    You’re so ferocious.

Comparing yourself to angels is low,
    Even for you,
Decomposing such beauty is low,
    Even for you,
And noticing my poem is low,
    Even for you,
But I’ll always stand tall when I’m low,
    Even when it’s against you...
CAUSE I’M STRONGER
    THAN THE OTHERS!
YOU WON’T BREAK ME,
    I CAN’T BLEED!
TURN AND WALK AWAY,
    WHY MUST YOU STAY?!
IT’S OVER CAN’T YOU SEE,
    LEAVE ME BE!

I Hope You Run With Scissors, I Hope You Stub Your Toes, I Hope You Spill Your Glass Of Milk.

-July 17th 2013

There's an itch on my wrist
That I refuse to scratch.

I will stare at my wrist and I will say
"You will not win this."

My name in question.
My heartbeat not.
My hands unsure.
My body shivering.

Suddenly sobbing tear.
Just like that, pain.
Aching.
Wanting.
Remembrance.

- 11/18/13

"Are you Mormon?"
"Nope."
"Sweet."

Porcelain eyes, when I see you,
I cry.
I fall over, and moan sorrow,
No closure.
-
Timber hair, when I see you,
It's not fair.
I clench my fists, want to scream,
Can't deal with this.
-
Lightning smile, when I see you,
I can't breathe for a while.
I pause, I giggle, I holler out loud,
Being with you tickles.

Solitioner, Soliloquy, Silence.
Petitioner, "Papers please", Paint,
     Take your pick.
Get high, Get drunk,
But don't, That's ******.

Get in love, Make some babies,
Don't. That's *******.

Have fun.
Yeah.
Have fun.

Obviously