painkillers for the body
and painkillers for the soul
I've wasted them all.
I fell into the darkness for which
I thought there was no cure.

Desperate, in denial,
laying on a dying bed
was waiting and waiting in silence
to be brought back from the dead.

And then your memory came again
a pale moon in the black sky
I found deep down in the darkness
a reason to get up.

I was lost in the night
until you taught me how to love the sun
cause you are but a shadow on my heart
and shadows can't exist without light

i am strong.
i clutch my ribs on certain nights
because i might split open -
i might even spill.
my fingers stay tight
to keep me stitched.

i am weak.
i seal my tears in a jar,
let it sour and congeal.
i take my success
hard.
i love
unruly

outside, a kingfisher falls from a snowy tree
and plants the blood from his frozen wings.

inside, i see the plunge and, as i stand,
feel my stomach drop
down to my feet.
that bird’s been dying for so long,
its song whistling flatly through its beak,
the tiny flash of color for my days
expiring, suffering, visibly diseased.

my sigh of relief for ended anguish
flows like a frozen river from my chest.
should i revel in my freedom?
should i be grateful for my breath?

outside, a vulture comes,
and inside, i fall back into my
now-cold seat.

**** something
or phone a friend
bury the past
or find an end
contemplate suicide
or running scared
decide if you pay cash
or leave your credit bared
take a lot of pills
and drink a lot
cut yourself properly
just to make the pain stop
sweet talk your alter ego
to go just another day
or choose which way to go
if you can't stay
drive for miles
in a direction you don't know
ask the street signs for guidance
even if it shows
where you won't end up
but isn't it a game?
you'll look for guidance
on every corner
that starts to look the same

I can make no noise but the scratching of pen to paper now.
And when I try to display the pieces of my heart,
they only find their way up into my throat.
Next to whiskey burns to ease "hello"'s
and "goodbye"'s I've waited too long to give.
Next to the "no, thank you"'s that were ignored,
and the thrusts of strange men that I missed you during.
Next to the laughs I've faked
at jokes that reminded me that you never liked my sense of humor.
And next to the cracks in my voice,
when the song that made me miss you before you were gone came on the radio,
but I still sang along.
And I'm sorry that "stuck in my throat" isn't loud enough to tell you
that I'm sorry that I was never enough.