"You're not a monster," she said from two and a half feet away, across the table. And as those four words exited her mouth, it was like I could see them coming for my absorption like a dagger I had to receive. They arched up in the shape of a rainbow, over her bowl of pad Thai, over 3 remaining coconut shrimp, past both Thai iced teas, dipping down over my panang and fell down inside of my ears.

I heard them.

Quicker than sound, my eyes dropped down, staring at my bowl instead of letting anyone see that I was about to cry.  Where does all of that water come from so quickly anyways? It's like my body just decides to pull any water from any cell within. My own body takes from its own inside life to put on the outside so other life can see how I'm hurting inside. Those tears were stolen by a force I can't control to put my thoughts on display. It's twisted when you think about it that way.

Even if I were a monster, I would still be worthy of love and protection. Just recently I was at the optometrist and described my ears like the creature from goonies, and to adjust my glasses accordingly, please. She quickly reminded me that my uneven ears were normal and beautiful. Not just with words, with her hands touching my ears. She could probably smell the anxiety I exude, and chose to change the mood.

That was her choice.

Everyone has that choice. I know I'm a broken human, I'm as broken as the sunflowers in the picture. They don't look broken but two weeks after I took that photograph, they were all dug up and thrown away by the people that own that land. I just have to hope that some of their seeds fell during that removal so that they have an unexpectedly marvelous rebirth. I hope.

I know I'm not a monster, I've lived a life of service to others. Even my enemies don't have much meat inside the beef they have for me, it's mostly just my personality... which is light enough to crumble into a powder and be blown away by the wind. I've given away everything that I am. I've given love to people who didn't ask for it, I've given my best love to strangers, my longest and strongest love to family.

I'm not a monster. I just have a configuration that is unpopular.

physically I have no symmetry
and it doesn’t even bother me
my physical state is electrical
and internally I am symmetrical

a love so big it's my counterpart
symmetrically matching my flesh parts
an existence created as a work of art
able to outsmart any black heart

understanding this duality
is the best of you loving the best of me
and I believe you will get there eventually
to your own symmetrical mentality

There's a spiders web
Of words I've said
Entangled in the calendar of time
A lovers rhyme of feelings

In minutes or moments or moves
I fell in love with you
A game of chess
Just to feel your breath upon me

I'd wish to call anyone
That singular one
The fable of teachings
Says we're reaching for something impossible

To not feel love across lanes
Indeed, sounds insane
We are wide, we are vast
We are fast to feel full at last.

I know I can't be everything to you
But I can be something
That something is the best thing
It's the thing you'll love
You'll love to have

I don't want to be your everything
I want to be a golden something
The one thing you love
And more of that one thing
Is the everything I offer

That one magic thing you want
It's everything I am
It's everything I want to be
It's everything to be that one thing
It's everything for me

If I give you my everything
I know I can be that something
That beautiful thing
That you need in your life
It's my everything
It's me

I know where I stand
Familiar with where I fall
My brand of delusion
Tells it all

Secretive emotions
Inside vivid fantasies
A devotion to us
That no one sees

And you can tell me it's over
I'll play along
But, Lover, I never left you
Even though I'm wrong

I left you inside pain
Pain I caused
I'll refrain bringing it back
But never forget what was

I still smell your skin
Taste your body
Remember within
Nothing seems to stop me

I'm tired of this game.
That loneliness you now feel, has been my suffering for many years. It never mattered.
But it surely matters now, now that it's yours.
I'm tired of pretending.
Pretending that it wasn't you who made me feel that way, to begin with... Pretending that I'm worth anything other than my own suffering, some of which I caused and some I didn't.

It's a delusion I live with, I live inside of. This complex, multi-layered delusion that I'm good enough to be loved, by anyone, on any average day. A delusion that anyone would ever love me for me, as I've been made to be.

Being strong is a joke.
You can say it on repeat if you want to, but it's all a lie. We merely want others to be strong so that you, yourself can pretend to be strong.

Humans are weak.
Humans are selfish.
Humans are critical.
I say this with certainty, because I am human. I am critical. I am selfish. I am weak.

It's all a game.
Everyday I log into my single player game and I pretend my delusional thinking could ever actually be real. I pretend I'm like you, so you don't feel pity. You pretend I'm like you, so I don't hate myself.
Layers of lies, is all it is.

No person wants to cause the end, but the end is inevitable. If we are forced into living, we will also be forced into dying. It's uncontrollable...
Humans love control, though.

So this is the dilemma. It's not that you, or I, don't want to die, eventually, it's the control of when it happens. Which it will.

So we can sit around and cry about the uncontrollable nature that is this existence, or we can have a voice, have action, have meaning, have love, have purpose.

Because I didn't purposefully become different than you, it leaves me with a permanent state of "uncontrollable life". Unlovable. Unchangeable. Alone.

So I continue playing the game.
Eating the layers of this onion, so you can feel like you didn't contribute to the end. I'll eat this disgusting onion, so you feel better about what you've done. So that you can think I'm happy.

You can sleep peaceful knowing you fed me these onions... so I didn't end, outside of your control.

I remember holding your hand. I remember how nervous you were the first time we did. I don't think you were nervous because I’m a woman, I think you were excited. I'll never forget the shape of your hands, or how soft and squishy they are. They melted in-between the calluses of my boyish hands.

I remember how you'd touch me out in public. You weren’t nearly as touchy-feely as I am and so when you did, it mattered. I always felt that touch from you, it was invigorating. I could never keep my hands off of your body, maybe I diluted myself to you. Your skin was my everything.

I remember how much you wanted me near you, at all times. It felt like we reciprocated that attraction. We were addicted to each other. We both enjoyed feeding that addiction, no matter what we were supposed to be doing in the outside world.

I remember when you would crawl on top of my lap, while I was watching TV. It was as if you painfully, painfully needed me inside of you. I remember how easy it was to get where you wanted me. I remember the face you would make and I could determine what to do, purely based on your expressions and your eyes.

I remember the flavor of your sweat, even though you hardly would even glisten. I  knew exactly where to go, to taste it. I remember covering your body in my own sweat, I loved working that hard.

I remember how long it took me to figure out what worked for you. I remember being frustrated and let down with myself, in the beginning. i’ll never forget the magical moment that I figured it out. The pressure simultaneous with the motion. You told me I was the first person to ever give you an ******. Regardless of whether or not that’s true, I will never forget that you said so.