Illona: Favorites

Dec 2017 Illona

KJ

I wonder when all the lies will catch up with me
get lodged in my throat
and make me choke with the weight of them

When did telling people that I'm fine
become such a bold faced lie

When did hiding my feelings
behind a painted on smile
became normal for me

My smile is heavy
leaving behind an aching jaw
but no joy

My eyes shinning
not with laughter
but with the tears I refuse to shed

My face is a mask
An impenetrable fortress
That will not be torn down

No one will know how I suffer
how I suffer so greatly

How my heart pounds in my chest
My ears ringing with the incessant noises
The lights are too bright
The world is too full
I cannot breathe

The people around me **** the oxygen out of the air
and leave me with nothing
Nothing but my pounding heart
and aching ears

My shaking hands
are quivering with the force it takes to lift them

To act normally

To act as if I don't feel like I am dying

Short, panicked breathes escape my lips
I think they will give me away

But don't worry

No one notices me anyway

#anxiety #panic #depression #panicattacks #depressed

Dec 2017 Illona

Someone,Something

Dec 2017 Illona

Jason Cirkovic

Someone,Something

I'm starting to have trouble finding this sleep.
I'm searching for sheep
So I can count them down
To the corner of rest and relaxation street.
Yet I find something else instead.
I find these places where your name is.
Hiding under all of the demons
I battle daily by seeing you cross my mind.
I try to look elsewhere
Maybe I should look at this melting clock
That keeps laughing at my face,
Every chuckle burns deeply Into newest members
Of the darkest parts of my mind.
I'm being crucified with my own thoughts.
****** yet bounded to the fact
That I just need some ****** sleep.

I'm not alone though.
Someone,
Something just spawned In my room.
Hairy, grotesque, and I can't look away,
It smells like rotten wood
And the cracks that poison my skull
This
Thing
Starts to ascend towards me
With each breath that I was searching for.
It crawls up my bed
And in the darkest of nights
I am on my own
And here we go

#darkness #sad #sleep #alone

Dec 2017 Illona

trying to fall asleep

Dec 2017 Illona

margaret

trying to fall asleep

it's time to sleep
to roll over
and put
my eye mask
on. to think
about my special
bed in the clouds
and drift
into the soft
stream of slumber.
to soar into
that starry sky
and lay upon
a bed made
just for me.
when i reach
my bed i can feel
the warm, heavy
blankets wrap
around my body
in just
the right way so i
feel warm and loved.
i can find
the perfect
position to lay
so my aching
spine is soothed
and my legs
can curl up
like a small baby
who can't quite
straighten them
out just
yet. i'll listen
to the calming
sounds of the
sky. the
whispers wash
over my watery
mind and watch me
waiver into a
whimsy of sweet
dreams where
everything is
always okay.

#sleep #love #alliteration #tired

Dec 2017 Illona

So you can love me again.

Dec 2017 Illona

Apoorva

So you can love me again.

Like a shadow on the ground
I chased and followed you
Till the end
I was so close
So oblivious
Blinded by love
I couldn't see
What you did to me
With your sweet smile
And truthful lies
.
You took away my pain
And reminded me
Of all the things
I could never be
All the things
I can never have
And so,
I cherished each moment
Every kiss and each goodbye
.
And now
That you have found
Another sunshine
I wonder how long
It will take
Till the darkness arrives again
So you can love me again
And tell me another lie
To Fool me again.

#love #is #lie

Dec 2017 Illona

I Deserve It

Dec 2017 Illona

Torontoisart

I Deserve It

I deserve all this pain and torment
Cut my writs and numb my heart
Use the blood to create your art

Cast the stones
Break my bones

Let me choke on my blood
Agonising but deserving death
Loosing each and every breath

Hold a gun to my heart and pull the trigger
Let the bullet flow through me like fish through water
Let this be my ultimate slaughter

Round my neck with a noose
Tighten it and make sure it is not loose

Tie an anchor to my feet and throw me in the ocean
Let my scream not be heard
And my vision be blurred

Lay me on the road and run me over
Let the tyres crush each and every bone
Let my existance become unknown

Throw me into the fiery pits of hell
Let my flesh burn to ash
Then throw the remains in the trash

Throw me out of a plane
And let my life flash before my eyes
Let me remember all the lies
Let me remember all the forgotten cries
Let me remember all the false allies
And as I look at my final sunrise

Let me say...

I deserve it.

-T

All the pain, the torture that has happened or coming my way. I desereve it.

#pain #torture #hurt #sad #depressed #lies

Dec 2017 Illona

Depression is...

Dec 2017 Illona

Natalia

Depression is...

Depression is were you want to be alone,
But at the same time you dont want to be lonely.
Depression is where everything is going right,
But you're still sad.
Depression is wanting to go out,
But at the same time not wanting to socialize.
Depression is feeling trapped,
Trapped in your own mind
and no one understands.
Depression is having scars on your thighs and arms,
Scars from the battle you fought.
Depression is having sleepless nights,
Depression is shouting for help,
But no one hears you.
Depression is fighting demons deep
inside you.
Depression is not something to laugh at,
So grow up if you think depression is just an act,
Depression is something serious.

#depression

Nov 2017 Illona

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

Nov 2017 Illona

PSR

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

I cannot move for elephants
They follow me night and day
I sometimes think I should say something
But an elephant gets in the way.

I'm finding it hard not to open my mouth
But I do not like to offend
It's taboo to mention whats on everyone's lips
so I carry on and pretend.

It really is starting to bug me
These elephants will need some more space
I can't be the only one who can see them
As they're staring us all in the face

So I bottle it up
And I'm biting my lip
And I'm finding it hard to breath
The room has become over crowded
So I make my excuses and leave

But the elephants have left the building
they aren't just confined to a room
I'm plagued by these elephants wherever I go
I will say something, yes, maybe soon

#in #the #room #elephant

Nov 2017 Illona

A child, still

Nov 2017 Illona

Marya123

A child, still

When do we become adults?
When can we say we are grown?
Actions speak louder than words
Where is all we should have known?

What is right, but what is wrong?
The grey between black and white
Eludes us in life's colours
Creeping over in the night.

Make mistakes and learn, they say
And I make them tirelessly
In these chasms of fate I find
Whatever will be, will be.

Young and old cannot define
The years behind new sorrows
Adult and child unconfined
Worrying about tomorrows.

#life #thoughts #grow

Nov 2017 Illona

Why

Nov 2017 Illona

Sam

Why

I'm the only one.
Nobody sees through my blurry eyes.
Nobody understands the thoughts that ramble in my head, because there is one me.
I cry because I have the energy to do nothing else,
and when that energy runs out,
I'm left dark and empty.
Just tell me why
because then maybe I'd understand.
Tell me why I'm the only one that believes?

Nov 2017 Illona

Blood/Love

Nov 2017 Illona

Anthem

Blood/Love

i sit and i listen while you tell me
that everything is "awful, just awful" whenever i'm around
tried a million different compromises
and you don't hesitate to shoot them all down
two different species
like the canary and the crow
can they ever learn to love one another?
"no one really knows"
i sit and i listen while you try to explain
how one's known for heart, the other for brains
inevitably, the crow will overwhelm the canary
and you didn't spend all this time to learn to live secondary
you want to learn to fly
you want to spread your wings
you want to chase imaginary
invisible
impossible things
all i know is a brain without a heart
is a failed thing right from the start
i guess it could learn to live that way
but why would it want to, anyway?