I don't think I love you.
I shouldn't.
We are wrong in every way but
you are the one that took my innocence.
At first it's what I wanted.
But now, sitting here under these stars you once deflowered me under,
I realize that the greatest pain is knowing that
I wasn't the one you said goodbye to as you boarded
for England.
I lied though because the greatest pain speaks louder.
That I cannot be rid of the thoughts of you.
The sounds you made me spill
I never knew I could sing so beautifully,
and you were gorgeous when you looked at me.
Eyes so bright and kissing me as if I meant something to you.
I cannot say I love you but ****** it sure feels that way.
And these thoughts will not leave
you kissing my neck as I watch the stars dance
and we become them.
You don't think of me do you?
Not as I do, surly.
These thoughts, they'll haunt me.
You left without them.
You left me with them.

I knock on the door, shaking.
They answer, tell me to come in.
"I am not my self" I say.
"That's okay" they say.
I hesitate, brace for impact.
"Its okay" they say.
I stumble, asking for forgiveness.
"For what?" they say.
"For everything"

The past four years have been a triumph of self loathing, of learning to apologize while regretting saying sorry.  I have felt I am not even a person without a bottle or a pill. I do not know where my story began, and where I wish it ended. But I am slowly learning to be okay, to accept myself, I think that is why it has taken me such a long time to write.

The thing is, I don't know who I am, I have been a couple different souls: some are weak, some are strong, some are as passive as ocean sand.

I'm 22, female, and lost.  

I have contemplated death many times, I've attempted it even more.  If you are still reading I applaud you.  Bless your soul.

Sincerely,
Still alive

For you are so far away but your words are dear
You may be far away but your kindness is clear
You've touched my hardend heart with a feather like sonnet
Left a trail of smiles upon it
For this I thank you my friend
I hope your kindness never falters, true to the end.

I am a magnetically charged vessel
of negative spaces
attracting shards
of dangerous intensity,
while spitting out electricity
only to find my passions
fading in the delusion
of this *******-up ether.

The sun in my arms so radiant and peaceful.
A bright shine in the way of a smile miles wide.
The sun in my stars has my reaffirming faith.
His kind eyes have a way of glimmering lightly.
Leaving one to wonder, just how can anything be so.

While you're away,
my thoughts wander
nomadically through
a sleepless desert.
I wonder if you're awake,
reaching to your left
as I reach to my right,
whispering, 'I love you,'
like I whisper
to the silence.

How can I sleep without
the soft cadence of
your breaths
singing me a lullaby?
Without the heat
of your body
reminding me
you're at my side?
Without your gentle
tossing and turning
to spur my imagination
and wonderment
at what could be alive
in your beautiful mind?

I've become an insomniac
wishing you were here,
wishing I could hold you again,
wishing you weren't
hundreds of miles away.
Rest only comes
when I cling to the hope
of your return.

This is the day of the splitting path
Take one more glance, know it'll be your last
So aching to watch you go
But no mistaking, I do know
Why you have to
I would too if I were you you

I have your photo, in an ancient frame
Across my soul, is a tattoo of your name
I cried when I wrote this song
Wiped my tears and wailed "so long!"
You'll make it this time
You're too perfect to be mine mine