My thoughts drift, recklessly,
Through this broken down mind of mine
I sigh,
Deep breaths remind me I am alive

I close my eyes and look for color,
In this ever gray space
I bow my head and soon, I wonder
What would make this feel okay

This dimly lit room in which
I'm forced to sit,
The room inside my head,
The bottomless pit

I remember I have YOU,
My knight in shining armor
I remember I have love
And my mind starts to wander


What if this was real

Whatever you were
going to assume,
assume the opposite.

Whatever you feel,
ask yourself if you'd
feel the same on a good day.

Whatever you think,
don't just think it twice,
think it four times over.

As far as your hopes go,
keep them high,
but prepare for a low.

When I was 7, I bit my arm.
When I was 11, I pulled my hair and punched myself in the head.
When I was 13, I choked myself and dug my nails into my arms and legs.
When I was 15, I cut myself.
When I was 16, I burnt myself with a cigarette.
When I was 18, I destroyed myself with drugs.
Now I'm 21 trying so **** hard to love myself.
To leave behind the self destructive past.
To let go of all the regret and self loathing.
Its been getting easier, too.
Please don't give up.

I woke up this morning,
more tired than the night before.
With my eyes sealed shut,
I made my way to the bathroom door.
Rubbing my eyes, I saw stars--
I felt myself spin.
I opened my eyes,
but my dream state didn’t end.

Looking in the mirror, I saw my eyes black as space.
I would say they were just as captivating, too.
When will I merge back into reality?
When will this world fade back into
the deepest part of my subconscious?

I’ve been running all night in a vivid wonderland,
but now I should come back home,
back down to Earth.

I step into the shower,
and through the hot water,
feel my spirit return to my body.

As the boiling water
runs down my sore form,
I feel a piece of me come back,
and another disappear.
I’m not meant to be HERE.
I am meant to be there.

I long to bypass
this worldly routine,
to close my eyes,
and drift back asleep.

Earth is where I reside,
but Mars is in my mind.
I am an extraterrestrial,
among my own kind.

Today feels different;
Today I feel alive.

Today I feel like the pain was
removed from deep inside.

Today the sky is blue,
today my eyes are bright.

And finally, after months,
today I think I'll try.

I'll try to make a difference,
with my newly renewed passion.

Today I will smile in the most genuine fashion.

If we meet today, I’ll spread my love your way
because today I’ll open my heart,
to betray my dismay.

I'm not too sure why I feel this way,
besides that today just feels different
Today feels okay.

This is a poem to set the mood,
Mid-June,
full moon,
getting drunk on the roof.

The wind gently blew,
as the fireflies flew,
all around us,
like the seeds
of a dandelion
in bloom.

There we were,
young and in love,
not the slightest idea,
of what was to come.

We were foolish and naive,
but we were happy.

We were reckless and insane,
but we were happy.

How I wish to go back
back to those days,
those days that they call,
the honeymoon phase.

Though our love still burns,
and stronger than ever,
I still wish we could be young
and drunk
and sitting on the roof
together.

January: New Year's Anxiety

Another year coming to an end,
and what do I have to show for it?

Filled with light regrets
and a shakey sense of hope.

Feburary: Relationship Anxiety.

The societal pressure
to feel true love,
but I can't feel anything,
at least not truly.

April: Birthday Anxiety.

I thought I'd have progressed
much further by now.
Will I ever learn?

I should be excited,
I miss being excited.

June-July: Vacation Anxiety.

Everyone around me
is having more fun.
I can tell by their photos,
filtered and posted
on a simulated reality.

August-September: Nostalgic Anxiety.

Crisp leaves and cool air.
Friday night lights and
high school regrets.
This season felt better
when I was a kid.

November-December: Holiday Anxiety.

Family, stress.
I should be happy,
but I feel so empty.
Attempts at connection
remind me how alone
I actually am.


And the cycle continues.

My type is flexibility.
My kink is versatility.

I try to draw into my life,
those of the same nature.

However, I find myself
attracting those
with a lot less elasticity.

Is it because they wanna be like me, malleable?

I try to help but there is no fluctuation.
You're so stiff, you just snap.

You give me nothing to work with, nothing willing to be formed.

How can you and I become we,
and we become one,
when you refuse to merge?

It was a dreary day,
not different than normal.

The sky was gray,
the air was damp.

My heart raced as I drove over the mountain.

I told myself over and over,
I am here to get better.

I will try to get better.

The doctor came in,
I started to cry.

I can’t let this out,
I will keep it inside.

As the time past,
that soon was a lie.

She asked me, “honey, do you have hope?”

I said “well, ma'am, I truly try.
I can see a better future,
But sometimes want to die.”

“Let’s try to fight these feelings,” she said.
“Would you try an SSRI?
We can face this as a team, you and I.”

I dropped my head,
I wiped my eyes,
I said “let’s give it a chance,
it cant hurt to try.”

Here I am.
6 months gone by.
I still feel alone,
but I don’t want to die.

I’m starting to see the beauty in things.
I’m starting to feel again.

Is this a chemical warfare,
that keeps me from feeling low?

Or is this a head trick,
a sugar pill,
a modern placebo?

Whatever it is, I am happy.
For a minute,
for a second,
for a moment,
I am happy.
I have hope.