take a picture of me, in this light
by dainobu, red tones against this shiny street, warm light bleeding through a restaurant window
remember me now, looking at you, smile in my eyes
in this moment
crux of summer
our stories intertwine again, again
again

sake and dinner bento on a tuesday
i don’t apologize anymore, only raise my cup to toast you,
we talk of our plans to take over the world
when nobody else understood when nobody else could see
just like we left off
in m thai when it was still there and waiting for us, in candlelit pad see ew dinners, small moments between classes
in our walks on 8th Avenue in Chelsea
on our rooftop we weren’t supposed to be in, where my heart was still hurting from a past, but was alright for a moment there with you
in the fog, like tonight
where street lights are only colors and traffic chatter is muted, where only our breathing mattered and the mist blanketed our eyes, thoughts elsewhere
dreams in the distance, dreams where we kept all of this too

the shutter goes-
soon the night will end, soon we will separate into our homes
you in the east village, mine just over the street

my head replays this in different ways
we stutter to find a place to go, a way to keep talking like this
you look at me, maybe
once we would have been closer
and it wouldn’t hurt in ways like this, in what ifs and infinite wishes

playing with your hands, they look like someone i know
you weren’t a forever, you weren’t mine to keep
but maybe, i found my forever a little quick
and i stopped our story where it could have began
there is nothing left to do but make one more toast to you and me, across the room,
hearts mended and broken, just as it began

hello,
butterfly kisses,
cracked peppercorn and earl grey
tea, never mind
your shaky fingers,
blue velvet touch in golden
mornings, you colour my
heart, you colour my little
life

who claims love has never captured you so
recklessly, so blindly that you fear it-
you, who dreams of me in slumber
inking you in your sleep-
i fear too.
i pray for these fireworks to last more than
tonight, more than this sliver of spring
but just as it has barely found it's beginning
i fear it's glowing embers have burnt into
itself. out, into complete darkness,
as if it hardly ever touched the sky,
barely existing even as dreams-
like those that remain fuzzy after a tumulus night of sleep
darling, don't let us be a faded dream;
don't let us fall like dust.
remember what it was to light this earth, to tilt
in blues and violets and gold-
remember the heat and it's electricity, please,
remember it the first time you knew
it was love

i don't know
How
to speak with clarity or perfect
grace
to ask questions when a space
unfolds, awaiting
to ask with my wrists and fingertips
i wish i learned how to dance
without my own placed restrictions, stumbling to say yes, when i mean yes to that drink,
pulling in closer to you when you asked if i was cold, only to cry no
i'm alright, thanks
i'm alright, thanks
i'm alright-
no i'm not all right
thanks for dinner and for walking me home, though
i just wish we'd found it together last night
just wished i knew my own footing before collapsing into anyone's
bed

Thinking in sparked lighters that
sting your thumb and cut your
lungs
Glints in your eyes and burns in
that 0.2 of a second
Scarlet grapefruit that puckers your inner cheeks
Breakfast you've only seen on
Latenight  Television, behind the couch, in secret
it's been years since they've
promised your order so where is it
you scream
You scratch, scathing, panting
promising to yourself
of sweetness
bitter sugar

The night is cool, languid, heavy
ultramarine honey drowns this little
car, this floating vessel between
knots of concrete highway
Bony fingers illuminate violets, reds
Reflections and hallucinations
Though this time I'm not so sure
I only know you are always leaking gold,
From this corner of my universe I
only wish you'd see it too

tell me what made your sides
brittle with doubt
what snapped your bones and broke your lungs
to murky waters, tell me, what it had to take to
save you, what it'd mean to ask for
help

dear ophelia, i've kept your rosemaries by the softest sun
your pansies, your rue and daisies still
keep their pigments
in the last page of your binded journal.

tonight I am cracking
in incremental movements

tonight I tread alleyways looking for
safe corners to drown in the dark
to let my stumbled
thoughts stumble to simplicity,
purity,
        tears, see
October is collapsing,
         October is collapsing but there is nothing left to catch

I've been staring
for so long at this picture of
you, and
I'm wondering
How it is that I can recognize so much and so little at once;
This glow from the screen makes things clearer in the dark
Yet here I am still squinting,
hunting for nostalgia and
the same hazy story,
drawing a certain reality
more tolerable than truth,
that more words were held and mulled
than vulnerably strewn,
that there will always
be so much left to learn
about you

i'm sick of being soft. tired of being the quiet, the delicate, the sensitive. do  not approach me for directions. give me canons. give me dynamite and fireworks. i'll balance that flame on my finger. i want that plum coloured lip. black bralettes under plush robes. six inch stilettos and a cig. ***** until i go numb. i don't care if the 3 am breeze raise goosebumbs, let me sleep on the pier if it means i get the whole night. i want to yell in conversation, argue with you until you cry. nobody will step on me. my hands are curled around kitchen knives. i want to luag h it off, laugh it off, laugh it off. i feel nothing, but somehow so, so alive-

Again again again
I look to you again-
this time laughing, this time
at the tip of the earth, where sand kisses sea-
with you and your rosy eyelids,
honey cheeks and hands intertwined
with mine
trying to balance

this time,
harmonizing thoughts and harmonizing gestures
we look at each other just as clearly
as the sun looks through the sea,

breathing lightly
salted hair and coral reefs,
tide pools, billowing sheets
I see your glow, I feel
your softness.

We're finally here.

There only ever seems to be misunderstandings
This week felt like honey and nostalgia
Mint and perfume,
clementines and violet lilacs
sublime, sublime, sublime
It reminds me of
Connection; the importance of engagement
The need for eye-contact and fits
of laughter
And just as quick as fortune visits
my sides brittle with doubt
for something I've forgotten
And our eyes glaze but
I take the steps back and
Huddle in relapse,
your thoughts perplexed- looking at the conversations we'd shared
just fourteen hours ago.

Dearfoot Drive stretched out and out
And out while hazy distant
Street lamps flickered in their warmth
Warmth in the car seat; warmth in the laughters safe
From harsh winds
Safe from heartbreak and heartache
Pausing
To realize the gifts in the simple things
We've already honed
You'll still talk about Seung ** and
I'll still mutter her name in grief
But I found a love in this friendship that we'll look back at 95
That we'll cherish for our whole life

superficiality in my bones
in my thighs
in my smiles and hidden lies
a double ghost, I lost my flesh
somewhere in the unsuspected mess-
Wait a second, don't go yet
I'll lure you in with my black turtleneck
Black Turtlenecks and Kanken Backpacks,
Oxford shoes, Casio watches
Can't you see I'm too cool to forget
I'll carry around this 800 page novel that I haven't even finished 1/10th of
I'll risk the weight to carry on my show
If you haven't deducted quite yet
This is my artwork I'll force down your throat-
A walking masterpiece printed of the internet.

-


Sometimes it feels most practical to be able to forget
To wipe away bitter regrets and past mistakes,
Take with you those once cherished,
lightly tainted memories
and completely clean off your slate.
Wouldn't that be easy?

I'd say to myself, let's start from Square One.
Back again, to when we were fresh friends
And nothing truly mattered, because
We'd only just met
Fresh friends, see that's the safest bet
I’d barely know you and you’d barely know me.

Which means there'd be no cute stories
of how we'd often, somehow,
End up in contemporary art galleries or
browse through used paperback books in
secondhand nooks

No memories of losing myself
time and time again,
in a library of stolen glances,
paper chances
That you could possibly see me one day through my
rose colored glasses (lenses?)

I'd erase these photographs of
Your piano hands, your cautious smiles
how I'd lost my breath when you held my hand and you’d smiled
that day when we lost footing in that throng of music goers in July
intertwined, lungs vibrating,
swallowing in confetti air
Forgetting
How being that close to you was confetti in my very mind

Let there be no recollection
of dreams of stolen kisses and petty wishes
to November’s drunk hamlet readings and karaoke dances
Always one step ahead, see
You were always so much, too much
yet I could never have been quite enough

Square one,
I say
to the day I never realized just how much my veins eagerly rushed
With the synchronous sound of your name,
to when my mirror didn’t whisper every morning,
Ever since that day in May;
“I wonder if she would like this?”
Square One
Where I'd know only of you, but
not how well you drew
Square One
Where I depended on myself
and not you
Square One
Because clearly that would make things
Easy
Square One
But I don’t know if I should do
What’s right or what’s easy

So,
Maybe I shouldn’t take back
All that I said, instead
Ruminate the worthwhile pieces of what’s left
Of these lessons and these laughs
Because

2, 3, 7 months can quickly pass
And we’d still have these left over pieces
Maybe it's okay to collect them, carefully
but only with a fresh pair of eyes and
only once my mind has truly
stabilized

Maybe then I could replace
What’s left of bitter apathy
and undo it with my outstretched arms,
Open palms,
once more- maybe

I could try again with
one last
apology so
I hope you can truly see that

I’m sorry.



pk

I want to hear myself again
I want to hear songs from my paints and my fingertips,
a visual applause for the love and the loss

Where can I learn to find my rhythm again?
I strayed off to the beat of your drum
Played false notes and danced to your Russian Roullette.
I am not your Russian Roullete.

I want to vibrate with happiness
Fill my eyes with warmth and radiance
I want to dance and laugh and mean every single ringing echo

My voice may still quiver and crack, but when it rings,
It will harmonize with the light and the words I'd been
dreaming for you to say.

Though now,
It will climb from my own throat and reach to kiss my lips,
with nothing more but self love and honesty


pk.

I loved you whenever your eyes light
I loved you most when I heard your mind
I loved you most when you stripped your exterior facade
Your icy, critical facade.
Even then I loved you so, quietly, from a distance.
I loved being around drunk you - simple you.
There was so much warmth and honesty. You were even slightly giddy.
I want to remember you that way.
The night wore on and I cleaned your wet hair. Your wet cheek.
I loved you then, when you were a mess on the floor.
All I wanted was to take your hand and kiss you, but instead I took care of you.
Even so, I loved you then.
I love you less, in the open light, when we stopped communicating.
You've hurt me to bits, without even realizing. You don't realize how much I really love you.
Stab me in the back and I'll still look up to you.
See me tremble, see my stomach swivel in knots. I've cried out all my heartache, so there is no more mascara to smudge. It's worse because I'll still whimper in the dark.

Even through these nights,
god,
I'll always find love for you.

Overdue words escaped my mouth that night -
I knew it was time.
Hopeless confession,
of a romantic obsession
I thought you could not hear me.
thought you wouldn't remember my hesitance,
my embrace.
God I wanted to kiss you,
I should've realized how precious those moments were.
So much regret for not regretting enough. Do you understand?

The worst part, I think, is that I still care. IT wells up like a quick forming tsunami. IT drowned me faster than I ever realized, until it was all too late. I've sunken to the sea floor. Now I feel like sinking even more. Deeper. Deeper into brittle sands.
I'm sorry I couldn't face you today. I am still very emotional and I'm scared I'll say too much again. I don't want to scare you off. At the same time I don't want things to stay this way. I miss you. Still. I said I needed closure but I never went through it all. I should've kissed you, I should've kissed you, I wish I kissed you.

see chrysanthemums blossom in your pupils,
crystal clear and buzzing
with drafted prose and composition.
You are
sweet almond in your cheeks,
sweet music in your rhythm.
take me, take me there -
I want to listen.
Let me drown again,
let me melt in your soft palms.

When I think of you, I lose my breathing,
my sight of gravity -
no rhyme no reason, no sense no rhythm

A love unfit, though
my captured petals refuse to wilt

Hey Vivian.
Vivian, Vivian.
Your name echoes in my veins
Vibrating through my body
Inhale exhale
There you are again
My nitrogen, crystal oxygen -
I crave too much.
In the dark of the theatre
We gaze into the screen as it plays Wes Anderson silent films
But half my mind is melted into the thought of our shoulders touching
Warm warm warm
I want to feel warm with you
Closer, touch you, look into you.
You whisper in my ears
Closer closer then you drift
All I can think of is your lips
Soft, subtle, grazing lips
Oh when will you introduce me?
When I touched your hands
I left it there
And it felt so nice.
Your piano hand, my violin fingers
Don't you see the fit?

Let's drive. If I could call you up right now at 1:55 AM and take you out *******, I would
I want to drive into the night with you
I want to rush into the city and find a hiding place
Way up high.
Where we can see the lights of our homes so far below.
In the dark

Maybe we could sit and lay next to each other for a while.
Sigh into each other's rhythms
Still and warm
We'll find honesty, trust and symmetry
You and I will completely forget the world and the people that judge,
forgive me for being cliché.
Maybe then I will finally tell you the truth.
Truths.
Truth!
What is the truth.
How do I even start with this?
Your eyes will listen to my slow forming words
Expectant
But

Oh ****
In hale ex hale I cannot do this
Nothing can stay the same
You are too dear to me
And I can't afford to loose you so
Please will somebody tell me
Tell me tell me
What to do
Because I'm dealing with moral imperatives and both feels like suicide to me.
Perhaps you can uncode
Me without any passing words

Could we ever go back the same route then?

Infatuation obsession  isolation
You are my idol.
I run across the river in flames but
Can it be too late to save me?

In too deep;

Only I don't mind it one bit.

My eyes are blood shot and it
is 2:30 in the morning.
But here my mind wanders at the thought
of you (again)
and all our interesting
conversations; Our winded talks on
travel and architecture,
politics and adventure;
I can't help it.
I've never felt so hungry for more
knowledge and with you
it sweeps me away, all that you know, all that you do.
I don't know what this is but, no matter
Your eyes are so lovely and your turtle neck
is ****
You see it doesn't matter that you are
who you are
My heart is blind and it swoons for you
anyway.

When I said it to her yesterday
The words slipped like
faulty marbles through my pocket
Little rambling thoughts that I took from the back of my mind;
quietly exposed in daylight train rides.
As we sat,
the gravity of my story melted into our palms -
Casual, yet
clearly true.
My tongue is raw
And my voice box still heavy in my throat..
(what have you done ??)  it cries.
At least
I know now
a little bit more
of the girl I hid from
day one.

Muffles of my scream
Prying in my winter coat;
It sings in false chords.

—
His eyes
Soft like starry skies
Our gazes steady;
Electric

Sweet to me like cherry
Lips so close yet not
For me

Oh you -
   Oh you.

You make my mind a humble mess

...

Mystery;
Such that you were to me
But nervously I swayed in your direction
Curious;
I couldn't help but catch
my breath as you spoke of this
dismal city and your photography
So caught
in your wishes to escape
back to your summer adventures
to the hustle and bustle of Tokyo and Seoul;
it was then you felt such anonymity
So it was then you had felt free.

I look to you again,
piecing you in these things that you
dare share with me; so easily,
eagerly.
Quiet now, you look to me but
I apologize, I didn't know quite
where to begin.

Mist and fluttering snow
Clouding over our concrete city,
We walked below the looming
Buildings until pausing,
to take a picture of me.
It seemed, in this hour, it was
only us who
chose to walk through these
deserted snowed-in streets
You suggested something then,
offering to take me up to the top
of the sleekest buildings,
to your rooftop sanctuaries I longed
to see
until it was only in my view-
small specks of life below me
where I could only see my sodden shoes
dangle down
to nothingness, to air, weightlessly as I
taste the mist upon my shoulders and
frozen hair.
In awe I would laugh
at the beautiful sight before me- to
Skyscrapers that cut above clouds
in the glint of the sun reflecting back to
our eyes, and
our cheeks who also felt the bite of
winter's winds.
Shivering,
Soaked in hair and feet
and

Again I turned to face you
but here,
with glittering eyes,
... wondered where
You would then choose to
take me
on our second date?

        

                                                ­       *P.K.

...                                                              ­                                                                 ­ 

And this palpating heart beats so

quickly for the thirst oh

the thirst for life in its purest and impurest forms

to run quickly through in glittering veins oh

let it find the music to drown in the vibrating rhythms of the earth,

and let it experience

the surge of a beautiful madness in heart

a first past midnight kiss upon a moving train

or shared ringing laughters of a cluster upon a mountain top

with its twinkle of a foreign city lights as if pausing to say

yes, this night, this city is yours, and so is the world-

no matter

it wants to drink it all

in hurried golden gulps for it ignites the colored sparks

illumination in the fire-aired sky

for celebration of us;

of the gift of youth and age because our seconds are only receding and

it is only here and now

so when you take one sip you cannot help

but savor and

embrace it whole again and again and



take all of it

in its whole glorious madness



                                                      ­      *P.K.