i feel as if
as if one day
i was grounded to the earth
and the next
i was falling through the cracks

i feel as if i fell to the bottom
before i even knew i was falling
confused, i wonder
how could i let this happen to me?

i look around this hole i'm in
and its just me
i am left alone with no help

just as the thoughts and imaginary demons come in
i look up from the bottom with just enough hope

and start the long and difficult climb back up to the top.

Hello, young hippie
Waiting for the hate to stop
Won't it all just stop?

Just as I come to accept my worth
And the beauty within myself
I look into the mirror
And I am haunted by their cruel words

The smile I worked hard to create, fades
As I walk away from the mirror I ask

Why am I not good enough for them?

People always ask me
Why I write sad
stories
Poems
Pieces

It is simply because
If I wrote
About
Every
Little
Happy ending
I would have a novel

A novel of sunshine
Happiness
And rainbows

But life is not all sunshine
Happiness
And rainbows

Life can be painful
Sad
And scary
But that is okay
It is what makes you alive

Feelings of not knowing
if you
will make it through the day
Means that you are alive
But you will,
Make it through
I promise

If life was all sunshine
Happiness
And rainbows
We would not be able to learn


We would look like robots
Robots that society
Puts on one setting
And lets run
Until the battery gives out.

Running around blind
Trying to find holy gates
Waiting for a sign
In hopes that He lets me in
Until then, I run blindly.

Fun while it lasted
Left me calm and collected
Goodbye winter break.

Her golden locks of blonde hair
Were once brunette

Her baby blue eyes that sparkle like diamonds in the sun
Were once a shade of mocha brown

He glanced at her natural beauty
And decided it wasn't enough

So she quickly made arrangements
And the new her was born.

Three
Two
One
Happy New Year!

I glance over at him
And he stares back at me
In the moment
We realize that

Seven years of loving each other
Was worth everything
Pain and patience
Happiness and sadness

We believe in each other
We know that what we have
Is truly extraordinary
And that we are in it for the long run

I look into those emerald eyes
He looks into my doe-brown eyes
The entire world comes to a stop
And our lips lock to our new year.

December 13, 2018

"hey"
all lowercase
My mother never texted me in school
And when she did, it was straight to the point

"call me"
all lowercase
something must be really wrong
she would've pulled me out if it was too serious, right?

my fingertips feel like rocks
as i force them to dial her number
the phone only rang once
when I heard her sniffle

At first, her words were inaudible
I was frantic trying to figure out the code
and just when i found the signal spot
Her words broke me in two

"Cory died, honey"
I stopped dead in my tracks
in front of the guidance counselors office
A single tear down my cheek

I hoped, no, I prayed it was a dream
and in that moment reality hit me
Like a truck racing at full speed
And I walk into her office

In a broken sentence,
I told the secretary it was urgent
And when she wouldn't give up
I yelled as if it was all I could do

I watched my mother's car pull into the school parking lot
And when I entered, it was silent
the kind of silence that deafens you
And i think of him

He wasn't my brother by blood
He was my brother because he treated me like family
More than my own family ever has
There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of him

I like to think
that even when i am alone
he is always here
watching over me.

I can never sleep
When midnight thoughts fill my brain
Until the morning.

The day you told me
you would never change
Is the same day
I watch you become a stranger

Lies flooded from your mouth
Like a hurricane floods a town
And from that day forward
I built my walls back up

Since day one
We’ve been groomed to be best friends
And that is how it stayed
Until you made it come to an end

You called me heinous names
You took my feelings into your palm
And crushed them
Just for your own pleasure

You call yourself a leader
But you follow in others footsteps
Until you become addicted
To every drug they are

The drug of attention
That you’ve always craved
Because mommy and daddy
Didn’t give you enough

The drug of social acceptance
Because what is life
Without a thousand followers
And at least five-hundred likes per post

I have learned
To grow without you
To become independent
To stand up for myself

But no matter how hard I try
I will never be rid of you
Because you
Are simply blood.

His arms wrap around
My fragile and worn-out soul
So that I can rest.

My blanket is warm
It covers my toes at night
And will keep me safe.

The candle that flickers in the distance
The night-light that illuminates the room
Still doesn’t protect me from the monster
That isn’t really there

He lives in the darkest corner of my room
And waits until I am asleep
To lurk into the faint light
And show his faceless face

As I awake from my slumber
He puts a trace on my soul
So that he can safely approach
My defenseless body

I lie their as still as a statue
I try hard to let out a scream
And when nothing comes out
He stands over top of me

He knows he is winning
When he stares into my petrified eyes
But when I look back at him
I wonder if he is trying to make me stronger

He takes his nonexistent hands
And places them onto my chest
And with increasing pressure
He squeezes the breath out of my body

I gather all the strength I have
Trying to force a movement
And just when I’ve given up
I feel my toes wiggle

Relief rushes through my body like a drug
And finally the movement transfers
From my toes to my legs
From my legs to my entire body

I break free from his despicable clutch
And I let out an ear piercing scream
I spring out from under the covers
In hopes that I catch my terrorist

I hear the stomps of my parents
Coming from the hallway
They enter my room
Before I can tell them “no”

And the hall light produces
Just enough light
To make my demon
Disappear

I hang my head in defeat
My parents make sure that I am okay
And after they tuck me in I lie in bed
And wait for him to visit again.

Doggy, doggy oh how I love
The way you wear your bright red glove
Flop, flop, flop down the road
You comes across a big fat toad

You better watch out you big fat toad
Sitting there in the middle of the road
You better go…
Oh no…

Splat!
He lied there flat
Dead
Big fat Fred

But life must carry on.

The cute old couple across the way
Gaze at the phone screen
Their expressions are joyful and gay
And life is as happy as it may seem

I can not help but wonder
What are they watching?
Could it be oh so somber?
Or in her wedding dress is she walking?

As she walks to load the washing device
He follows to make sure she will not fall
Because losing her is not worth the price
Of living alone at all

So watching the phone they resume
Until they can leave very soon.

Every time I stare into his emerald eyes
I see the pupil that beholds the galaxy of our future
A future filled with lilac painted skies
And a world completely to ourselves

When I look at him
The feeling of safety rushed into my body
And I feel invincible
As if we can do whatever we want

However I am ready to accept the ugly side of him
The side that he does not let everyone see
Because in order to love a person
You must accept their entire being

And as our lives progress  
I slowly but surely uncover my walls
To let him see
The ugly side of me

Like an alternate universe
Our ugly alter-egos grow to love each other
And it allows our love
To grow stronger.