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Hannah Dec 2018
i hate myself so ******* much
looking for a blade to cut my wrists open
see a thumbtack
no courage to do it
white walls around me
imagining my blood splattered all over
let's paint the town red
if i jump off now
do you think i would die
funny thing is
i dont wanna die
i just dont want anything to happen to me ever again
every good thing has a bad thing
are good things worth it then?
whats the point in being happy if
its just digging a deeper ditch for next time
new highs mean lower lows
what fun

why can't i just go back to a time
where it was normal
where i wasnt having a breakdown every week
twice a week
where i didnt complain about every ******* problem
and make such a big deal out of every small ******* thing
hurting the one i love most
making them think theyre the problem
it's all me it's always me it's always been me it'll always be me

enter: new fear
that you'll be so done with me
that you'll leave
and then everything becomes a problem
everything is my problem
everything is my fault
it's always me it's always me it's always me
i need to STOP
but how
stop feeling?
stop complaining?
cry to myself instead?
yes that'll do the trick
ill just share how i got over it
who needs attention anyway
let me shrivel up unnoticed
i shouldn't need attention
attention is stupid and im a joke
Hannah Oct 2018
too many feelings around me
like im running out of time
when my life should just be starting
feeling stressed and making mistakes
all the blame, on me
self-inflicted
i don't deserve anything
don't feel like i should
be taking care of myself
what's the point
i deserve this
why bother

it's not my fault
but it's all my fault
i don't know what to feel
so nothing it is
Hannah Sep 2018
and when we are alone with our thoughts
we are nothing more than our mistakes
been some time since ive had a breakdown like this, and the words selfish, inconsiderate, not worth it have gone through my head, but i guess it had to happen eventually
Hannah Jul 2018
just two kids
riddled with anxiety and depression
finding comfort in each other
loving each other
stumbling through life
hoping to make it out
alive
Hannah Apr 2018
fear takes hold
same thoughts that
caused infinite nights
of crying, tears

i was having hope
of a future where
i was happy
i was comfortable

too used to that thought
never considered that
it could disappear
please don't go

a year without you
my love, is a year
without life

and i'll be ******
if i lose 5 years of life
**** im **** scared now and on the verge of tears and my playlist happens to play all the sad songs ****** i dont wanna sink back into a place where i dont wanna live, it's easy for me to tell myself to think happy, it's another thing to actually be happy and want to live, that takes a lot. i haven't wanted to live in so long, i finally do, and im scared its going to slip again. not many things/people make me feel this way, you're one.
Hannah Apr 2018
old problems used to be
keeping everything inside
never feeling anything at all

new problems are
keeping everything inside
feeling everything at once

relish in the feeling
in bursts of tears
why can't i control myself

burdens on the only person
who could ever understand
tired

body struggles to be healthy
mind nagging again
i'm not feeling well

not well
not entirely healthy
just ****** up
is it better to feel nothing or feel everything
Hannah Feb 2018
burns through my body
setting me on fire, wild
needing to show on my skin
an etch a scratch a scar
anywhere but inside, please

love tells me no, don't
a scar hurts him more than yourself
but hate tells me to keep
going, don't stop, it's what
i deserve, all this pain

half wants it to stop
be happy, love me, but
half wants it to continue
loves the way it burns, how
it gets me the attention i crave

make it stop
please
i cant do it alone

facade stays up for
a week? a month? maybe two?
but how long before she slips
she hates she cracks
she hates she crumbles
she hates she
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