For once in my life I want to be happy happy and hopeful and confident I want to not beat myself down before anything can happen Or repeatedly remind myself that it's "probably nothing" I want to go to bed and not worry that I said the wrong thing or that I'm thinking too much Or not enough. I want to not feel like my feelings (or my heart) are too much I want to not have to feel like I need to squelch my wants and my hopes and my dreams because if I dare to reach for them I am going to get smacked for thinking that any of that is something I could ever have. I want to not feel scared of letting myself love. I want to not feel scared to be authentic in my current existence. I want to be allowed to shout who I am and how I feel from where ever I want. But that's not the world we live in. I can't. I can't fly up too high or too close to the sun. People who fly too close to the sun get burned and fall to their deaths. The sun doesn't let things hug it. It doesn't want a friend. Not even another sun.
Can I be your antagonist? I promise you’ll hate me For I am a cheeky little monster An arch-nemesis lurking in the recess Of your mind I confess to being obsessed With earning your contempt Would a lovely sight it would be If your gorgeous grin became a symbol of sin Snatching you from the sky up so high A pure angel whose wings started to darken A heroine who suddenly lived on the edge The rush! The explosion! To know that I made your good character decay That my touch lead to your corrosion How beautiful that look on your face will be As it fills with the realization That you’re no embodiment of nobility Simply a villain Just like me!
I'm better now. Beat. Shake. Hands shake. You okay? Blink. "I'm fine." (Don't think. It's not a crime to feel like your skin doesn't fit.) To not really want to quit any more. Hands shake. Beat. Blink. Break. Boots quake. Blisters pop inside your brain. You okay? Blink. What? "Sorry. Just not sleeping well." (Going through Hell. Can't tell you that.)
I'm fine. Thanks for the sympathy. (Throw me a line.)
To the guy who commented on PT 2: Thanks. You're the reason PT 3 is being posted tonight. I'm still going.