So lemme tell you about this guy
Hmm yeah I'd call him a bit shy
And he doesn't always say the best lines
But the way he looks at me is so prime
He puts his heart in everything he does
He doesn't need a reason it's just ******* because
Sometimes he's a mess
I still love him
He is the best
Backtrack to our first kiss
it was a bit comparable to this
I bet you could already guess
It wasn't our very best
I started to awkwardly smile
He was nervous for quite awhile
As he held me tight
I realized everything's alright
It was quite the risk
At least we didn't miss
Trying to find each others lips
This was all so new
Didn't know what to do
Still trying to figure each other out
It just happened, mouth to mouth
With him I just couldn't breathe
Now he is everything I need
I knew from his stupid grin
That yup this is him
And how his hand feels so right in mine
That with him there's never enough time
Him by my side makes me unwind
Everything feels so fine
Like the feeling when everything perfectly rhymes
Those moments where he just holds my hand
Are the ones I play over and over again
I never knew love
Now I can't get enough
We say the cheesiest stuff
Maybe that's what happens when you have trust
I talk too much which can get annoying
And he spaces out in silence which can make it boring
I don't make much sense
And he is trapped within a fence
We are so wrong for each other
Is what is constantly said by my mother
And what is said by his father
Is that I might just make his heart hurt
But to be honest I don't care
A life without him is a nightmare
He is someone I don't want to share
I swear who is he, he's rare
I miss him too much
He gives me a rush
Even from the slightest touch
Ha I remember when he first told me he loved me
I almost wanted to flee and leave
Love me? Oh please
Something I couldn't believe
I feared it was a tease
I actually got mad
This was something I've never had
I was scared to love someone back
I've never felt this before
Compared to everyone he loved me more
I fear losing him
A result that looks grim
I wanted a relationship that was deeper
Once he did too I know he was a keeper
He knows all my secrets
I know he'll keep it
I never want to be alone
Because now he is my home
I need him from every inch of my bones
when I see the future I only think we
He has become something I need
I find relevance of him in everything I see
The one I long for when I pick up a phone
The one who motivates me when I'm in the zone
He's in the military
And to me that's pretty scary
Even though we are separated by miles
When he's with me I see him holding back that smile
Yeah he's pretty tough being in the marines
But we totally make the best team
He is the one I always miss
Waiting for a kiss
Not gonna lie sometimes it *****
I swear just my luck
But he's doing great things serving our country
And Im in college learning and struggling to pay for laundry
Some people think I'm a nut
And every once in awhile I feel like giving up
But he's my first love
Every relationship is a bit rough
Even if one day we end up not working out
He couldn't have made me more proud
But I'll always love him forever now
That's for sure without a doubt
I've never had my heart beat so loud
I told you about this guy
So now you understand why
I always stand when I see an American flag
And I try not to be sad
I keep all the memories
And close my eyes in the breeze
And somehow
He ended up with me
and I've never felt more free

They are having fun
While I'm here
Crying so much
They don't
Understand
I can't get better if
my mind keeps
Telling me I
Shouldn't
What if
The voices
Never go away
Will I ever be ok

The bed won't let me go afraid of the storm ahead

but I’ve seen the rain in your eyes and know there’s nothing to fear.

2 year's ago
Hey God, it's just me.
I'm trying to reach out to you again.
Why don't you ever talk to me?
The people at my church say that they hear your voice in their times of need.
Well here I am sitting behind a closed door because I can't face anyone with tears in my eyes; but I'm reaching out to YOU...And you still don't answer my prayers.

1 year ago
Things seem to be getting worst, but I'm trying to look on the bright side;
I know you will make things better over time....right?
That's what others are telling me.

3 months ago
Actually, when I think about it; you've never answered any of my prayers
You never stoped the bullying, I did.
You didn't get rid of my mom's tumor, it's still there.
You couldn't get me through my problems because you never answered me.
I'm trying, im REALLY trying to believe in you right now but your not giving me any proof..
All I need is one, just one prayer to come true
Then I will know I haven't been relying on nothing.

last night**
No? Nothing? Really?
So now it's up to me to make things better,
Here's goodbye to the higher power that Is known as our Lord and savior.
I just want to know why.
Why when I have no proof of you, I still try?
still try and talk to you, to believe in you?
Why am I even writing this?
Is it that you actually don't exist or that your ignoring me?

I'm not paying attention until the violent
Hiss jerks me awake t
The same way the
Violent crack of a gunshot of would.
Collision of liquid on hot metal
Pushes away any dreams lingering.
Fully aware now I reach for the door, Once a gleaming, vibrant white
Now covered with  
Dingy use.
I know the cold air is coming
But still it's another
Jolt to my system,
The chill of the air conspiring the
Brightness of the light,
Giggling together at my obvious Displeasure of them.
Light tickles my eyes into a
Squint like a feather tickles your
Nose into a sneeze.
Through the squint I can see the color of bark,  
Dark brown heart of trees
Secretly pumping blood of trees,
Sticky and sweet just like
Ours.
Just like the blood being
Pumped by the
Little heart behind the sound of giggles that has slowly snaked its way
Through the doors and
Around the walls to my ears.
Giggles and shuffling footsteps
Desperately trying to be silent, covert,
Unheard.  
But the desperate desire for silence Causes such excitement  in the mind of the
Boy that the
Distinct sound of
Shuffling slippers is produced.
The boys realization of the noise Makes him
Giggle at his own sneakiness,
Too young to realize the sound means He's failed,
Young enough to have fun
Regardless.
I think of those giggles as i
Scratch at the itchy
Knot in my neck, a sharp
Contrast to the softness of cotton that I Feel everywhere else
The itch reminds me to pay attention,
Not get lost in those giggles
My hand quickly moving from my neck to the white porcelain bed
Balancing early morning sweetness That's about to be
Devoured
Bed warm and heavy now.
I set it on what I noticed for the
First time is also a
Tree.
I've never noticed how vital trees
Are to my morning.
That the last thought I'll have thats just
mine for hours.
From this point on all thoughts will
Revolve around the boy and his father,
My son and my husband
They walk towards me now
Together
Husband helps with the knot at my Neck
Untying it so I can take off the
Itchy apron and get back to
Enjoying the softness of my
PJ'S 's, my  
Son jumps into the chair and reaches For the bed of pancakes on a
Wooden table, starts to pour
Sticky sweet blood of a maple tree,
Far more syrup then he needs.
His father opens the dingy white door,
Experiencing that bright light and
cold air just like I did as
He reaches for the milk
I realize I can see the white porcelain of the plate;
I need to make more pancakes
I pour more batter into the hot skillet
Somehow that hiss catches me off guard again
Just like a bullet would again  
I shake my head and look back at the Table, them.
I walk over and kiss both of them
Both tasting like milk and syrup,
smelling like sleepy sweetness and
Looking like my Saturday morning

it faded like slavery
but the screams will not.
not this time
not with this much
involvement
my body,  a strawberry

strawberry,  begging for fondue
slavery begging for an end
involvement is too exhausting
nor giving any relief,  so
much energy spent slowly,  as if dripping
time wasted

wasted time, wasted life, dipped in a bitter
fondue, unpleasant and messy
dipping of bitter lips until the bitter
end, *** empty,  needs washing, another
exhausting task, requiring to much
involvement, too much effort

Effort is what i can't give, I'm
bitter about that and angry. With too
much resentment, just growing inside me. More
messy baggage,
another issue, as if I don't already have enough. So im
bitter,  so what?

What difference does it make?
I'm to battered for repair,
I'm to exhausted for any attempt at anything

Skin
Skin needs
Sun to give
Some life to my
Skin

im  
flawed,
sick, can
feel it in
the heart of my head i
it's obvious to me, so clear
the heart of my head is so obviously not                       .         well
the scariest part of it all is that I can't even.       .        do anything about it.

The end will come
When I'm done being
Broken,
When im done bathing in
Memories,
Done tasting an injured heart,
Throwing it back up.
The end will come

When I'm done