My name
A name I always thought dull
And inaccurate
Means farmer.
And funny,
Now
How close it sits on my skin,

I suppose I have toiled
Have pushed fingers into earth
Felt the Mother humming
And I hummed back,
Clenched the roots of the world
Into fists and took from them strength
To rise,
Again
And again

And I suppose I have nourished
Been both soil and the crop
And the blood and sweat that birthed it
I have always been growing ,
Something
Someone
I’ve been spinning sunlight
Like thread on a loom
Have always reaped gold ,
I, planter of bountiful harvest
Sower of sweetened fruit
It is always, Me
To nurture

And look ,
How green the fields are
How well the name fits.

He tells me that
My body is a map
And he wants to explore
He tells me I am a lost continent
That is more beautiful than
The rest of the world's wonders
But he doesn't see it all
Not the scars littering
My legs and sides
Or the uneven grotesque lines
On my thighs. They plague me.
He doesn't see all of me
And I wouldn't have it
Any other way.

Do not tell me you love me
or that you need me
in order to get what you want
after all, what could I possibly
give to you
that you would not otherwise take
by force?

Most nights I don't know who I am
I lay awake and in the darkest hours
I either feel everything at once
Or nothing at all
I do not know which is worse

A faceless figure holds my hand
Talking of love in an implacable voice
The grip tightens and tightens
Until I am screaming, pulling at them
They are laughing and I am hurting

I am grinning and spinning
Dizzying myself in circles of joy
Faster - until everything blurs together
People, places, memories, blending
Eventually I stop spinning. I am blind.

I am standing on a tall, tall building
Looking down at the ants of my town
The breeze edges me closer to the drop
I jump, expecting to fly, expecting freedom
I plummet, and before death, I find regret.

The worst thing
about losing you
wasn't the fact that
I had lost someone I loved
(though that was an awful ordeal, too)
it was that
I lost my best friend
I lost the person I could confide in,
cry to; cry about
the strings holding me together
came loose and unraveled
as you walked out of my life
and into hers
I have great friends, yes
but none quite like you
Alas, you're gone now
and the hole you left
may be filled in time
by new friends
who won't leave
without warning
who won't leave
at all.

The more I try not to think about you
About us
About what we could've been
The more I realise that I should never have given you up.
For nothing and no one. Jesus, you know me better than I know myself
My kinks and quirks and how I take my coffee
I know you too darling. I know how you prefer sunsets to sunrises and I know that you can't stand how I take my coffee. I know about the hurt you've endured and the scars you got along the way, just as you know mine. God, you're golden to me, fluorescent and completely enchanting.
And you're not even mine

I am the pen without the ink
The ocean without water
The night without stars
I am void
Empty, lonely,
A black hole
Of turmoil and hate
I've always had love to blame
But with this emptiness
That sits in my chest
I've learnt that I really dont like you
But I'll forgive you
Because I love you
I love you.

there are ghosts in these walls
and they whisper such sweet things
but only late at night
when lucifer crawls from the shadows
and beckons me closer to hell
i would like to tell you it is all a nightmare
but morning comes and greets me
and i am stood on a cliff edge.

did I jump? or did these ghosts push my frail body
down to the chasm of hellfire below?
I can't quite remember anymore
it's been a while since those ghosts spoke to me

to be swept away in tides
the waves of love that come and go
finding myself in abandoned manor houses
where the ivy grows thick
and nature runs amok among carnage
lost in bookshelves and a thousand adventures
i can come and go as i please
no rules, no regulations
the stars above and the ground below
i am grounded here but not chained
constellations free to awaken the night
I look at the lost things, the treasures
that this world has to offer
and it becomes so much brighter
so much more *wild

my loneliness is larger than me
heavier, too
my loneliness the thick blanket
good for hiding under
my loneliness shields me from demons in the dark
but provides no warmth
my loneliness a cold fire I still sit beside
palms upturned, craving peace
my loneliness the war that rages unending
bodies left in a ****** wake
my loneliness the vultures swirling
I have never been very strong
my loneliness knows this, as she knows
all my other bitter secrets
my loneliness licks her smiling lips
opens her screaming maw
my loneliness is larger than me
deadlier, too

He is the foundations
On which I build my strength
He is the sunrise and sunset
Bringing a smile to my face,
Always,
He is the constant friend
The trusted one
My best friend, my anchor
My wings to keep my head
In the clouds where dreams lay
His kindness is more than I deserve
And more than I can ever repay
The beacon that guides me to light
When all I see is darkness
He is my sweetest friend,
The eye of my storm,
The strength of tranquillity,
He is all of this to me.
All of this and more

I just spent an hour looking through all my dad's old things. In the chest that my mum keeps at the foot of her bed (she wants to keep him, or at least, the memory of him, close) in that chest, there is a little book, filled with messages to him from people I've never met nor heard of. From cover to cover there are messages of mourning, love, grief, all for a man taken from the world too soon. And its not fair that these strangers knew him and I didn't. And its not fair that now heaven has him and I don't.

Sometimes you wake up
At 4am
And realise you're in love
Sometimes you wake up
At 4am
And realise you're not

I don't know which one
Is worse

I had jinxed it, this sunlight in me, with my hopeful words
and blissful smiles. how naive, to think
that the shadows ensnaring my soul would relinquish
such hard-won prey
I will curl into myself
hollow every artery, every vein if i have to
just to get this darkness out of me
the skies are cloudy once more
and the rain never seems to stop

wrap me up in your embrace
kiss a smile onto my face
hold me close, don't let go
i cannot handle being alone
make me hot chocolate, warm me up
pour it into my favourite cup
whisper I love you in my ear
it's just for me, no one else can hear
play a film, put on our show
laugh with me, watch our love grow
hold my hand, cuddle me tight
ignite that spark you bring to my life
bring me closer, listen to my heart
I hope to heaven we'll never part.

your bitter taste
clings to my lips
and your wretched smell
lingers in my clothes
even after all this time
I cannot erase all thoughts of you
you are in my veins
i want you out
but i cannot remove you
without causing myself harm
and you have harmed me enough
already.

Whatever took him away from us
be it Gods or the Universe
i pray you, give him back
My mother told me how they used to dance
to old records, drinking coffee
from stained cups
she told me of the light that he brought
into a room and into her life
and the light that faded
when he was ripped from us
She told me how he loved us,
me, my twin and even a daughter not his
she told me that he loved us
and i never got the chance
to let him know i loved him also
so i pray you, Gods, and the Universe
please bring us back my father
bring us back a loving husband
and a kind and adored friend
bring him *home.

We fell
As Icarus fell
Wingless and burning
Grasping at shards
Of the sun

Most days, i don't know who the victim is
me, for swallowing lies like salt water?
gulping and gasping and choking
but still adamant in my belief of him, of us
was i wrong to overlook his angry love?
probably.
but him, with his blue eyes filled with pain,
could i ever truly blame him
knowing that the promises i made him
were sticky and sweet and un-keepable?
was he wrong for clipping my wings
even when i was happy to be earthbound?
probably.

who is the true victim in this circumstance?
who feels the most shame?
the crippled bird, unable to remember who she was
or the boy who broke her, and in doing so, broke himself.

There is a constant storm here
thunder, lightning
it eclipses the sky and blinds the stars
The thunder ricochets off mountaintops
and the lighting is dazzling, unburdened by shadow
and no rain, never any rain
to scorch the untouched earth
You are my constant storm
my everlasting thunder, and beautiful light
and you are pure, pure of the ***** marks
that the rain will leave behind
And that is why
I cannot touch you

Steal all your gold
Back from those who do not know how to treasure it
Take it from their careless hands
Hold it gently as you coax it back into yourself
Tell them 'this is not how to handle a heart'
Because it was, a heart
That you put into their tender care
See how bruised it is now, how aching?
Do not learn from this the act of anger though
Do not now hoard your gold, dragoness
You can be fierce and gentle at the same time
Give your jewels to those who you adore
And if they break them, bury them, treat with roughness that which you gifted
Then rear your head back, firechild
The sun is inside you, and she says sometimes it is okay
To raise a little hell

I NEED TO FORGET HOW MY NAME SOUNDS WITH YOUR VOICE WRAPPED AROUND IT
I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FALL ASLEEP OUTSIDE OF YOUR ARMS

We will shatter into a thousand thousand pieces of brilliant, beautiful light
in a millennia they will find shards of us
Glittering amongst stars
And they will know us by name
Each and every fragment
We will be constellations that heroes are born under
We will herald a new age
Where the shining of the dawn
Is the last true miracle

I feel very wrong
Like a painting with one
Small, terrible brushstroke
That has ruined the masterpiece
I am a symphony in the quiet
And a string breaks
And the silence breaks
And everything
Falls
      D
                o
                          w
                                      n

I can see reflections of my rib cage in every shipwreck
Scattered and disregarded on this beach
Bright bold white whales singing out to sea
It sounds like a funeral dirge
You ever walked through a shadow and felt it curl around you?
That sugar sweet caress that feels like razors blades?
I’ve been dancing on masts and knife edges drinking *** and downing ships
I’ve been called pirate and thief and captain
I can steer the ship of my sorrow through any rocky shore
Come out unscathed? Maybe
But all my flags are painted with the same snarl
We’ve got wolves below deck
Hear em howling out at the moon every night
Hear the whales humming back
You’ve never heard a melody lke grief
I hear that song everywhere
So my treasure chest gets tied around my feet if I’m gonna be an anchor
You know I’ll take all the beauty with me
Go down with the ship and let my shark tooth smile greet every fish at the feast
Lay me down on the sand bed I am where I feel most at home
With all these shadows and splintered wood
The skeletons of captains that married the sea like I did
Till death do us part, our chorus, our wolf song that’s what I’m humming
When the current takes my bones in different directions
I know I’m a graveyard under the sea
I know I’m a shipwreck at times like these
But it all makes sense when the whales sing

Most nights i feel like a ghost, stumbling somewhere between living and drunk, haunting my past selves and kicking the graves of who i used to be, words i used to mean, loves that once found and ruined me. All the quiet and hidden spaces fill with tar and i sink into the dark knowing that i chose this, this life and this pain and this death. Cemeteries fill with ghouls wearing my face, eyes once so vibrant and now terribly, irrevocably hollow.
The soul awaits the sun and the sun never rises here.

The cowering man in his creaking chair
To be lonely, desolate, empty
Devoid of that humanity we claim was bestowed so kindly
He rocks and he rocks,
back and forth
Lunging at the cruel world that created him
Turned him, twisted and ugly
God is real
The Devil is real too
And they're both in the same chair

The storm raged
A tempest that rioted
Against the sky
People cowered and pleaded
With the winds, for their mercy
Offered sacrifices to appease
And when they drew my blood
On those stone steps
I could save these people
With their wild, frightened eyes
Or I could rage with the storm
And
I
Chose
Me

I like to think I know you
As I know my cobbled streets
Or my fingertips
But perhaps maybe I don't
I don't know what your favourite colour is
Or what songs you sing in the shower
I don't know what brought
You out of that raging storm
But I do know how you look
When basked in sunlight
And I know how you smile
When you've nothing to say
I know that you break sometimes
I know that you fix yourself too
I may not know all of you
Every crevice and nook,
But I do know you
And I know that I love you
And I know that for you,
That is enough.

Of course this would happen
When does it not
I let people in and I get hurt
I trust and am then shown
Why I should not
I know it was a party
I know you were drunk
But if you had even a speck
Of the love you claimed to have for me
That wouldn't have mattered
You would not have slept with her
And I would not be sitting here
With blood on my wrists
And tears on my cheeks
And a pounding headache
From crying so much
If love really exists,
It is my enemy.