How did Atlas do it?
Hold the world on his shoulders
I can barely lift my head
With the thoughts in my mind
Like lead weights
Dragging me deeper into oceans
That will never see the light
I can take my coffee black
And sit in the brazen sun
But the nightmares still come
They still come

You are the vulture above me
waiting until my limp carcass
hits the dusty floor
before you make your move
and tear away at me,
like you have so many others

you are the grizzly bear
lashing with your claws at me
trying to knock me to the ground
so you can take me down
and make your next ****

you are the hunter, the poacher
searching the woods and forests
for any sign of me, any traces
of my blood left behind
from the bullet in my side
left by your murderous gun

I am your prey
and you never lose a scent.

Inside my chest
There is a heart-shaped box

                                                   It is empty.

I'm leaving dents in my palms
where my nails are digging in
i guess i'm just trying
to get this darkness out of my skin
marks on my pale legs
from scars made long ago
I've been wandering around for ages
spending this year as a ghost
I learnt that love is for children
and I am all grown now
people have poisoned my chalice
bestowed to me my thorn crown
I don't know where I am going
does it matter where i've been?
Roads leading nowhere
but palaces of sin
should i stay?
should i go?
i wish these monsters
would leave me alone.

The shooting star
I saw at 6am
Was the perfect reminder
That night does not
Have to mean darkness
And that even dying things
Can go on a journey

I will blaze and soar
My wish
Was to be that star

It's easy to preach self love
And self acceptance
Until you're ļaying awake at night
Weeping sorrow and anger
At the bones that hold you
And the skin that binds you
And every crack and blister
That your pale shivering body owns
It's easy to talk about self love
When there are at least some things
That can be seen
As worth loving.

And here, Icarus,
with his hubris and his burning wings,
who descends to the sea in fiery splendor.
But think of Daedalus, who watches his son,
exuberant in freedom,
fall wingless to earth,
all charred skin
and wasted dreams

tucked into the safety of your arms
held against your chest in a blissful silence
is this what heaven is? it must be,
for if it is not, I want no part in it.
Your hand strokes my back
and sleep creeps ever closer
my eyes are closing and I await the nightmares
that have plagued me for so long
but I awake some time after
in no cold sweat, no scream echoing from my lips
you're looking at me with eyes that hold such love;
I never thought anyone could look at me like that
a smile plays on your mouth, and its infectious joy
sends a thrill through me and a giggle rolls of my tongue
Your heartbeat was a steady drum that sent me to sleep
and your love was a warrior that chased away
all of the demons that crawl onto my shoulder
when sleep settles and vulnerability encloses me
I never knew a person could feel like home
but you are the only shelter i have ever felt
from this agonizing storm inside of me
I beg you, your beautiful love for me
has returned the light to my eyes and my life
Please stay?
I know you will
I know you will.

I must jinx myself
With every line and phrase
Because I wrote that
I could love him
But some boys are cold
And no matter how much
You care for them
They'll somehow
Break your heart

why is it so ******* hard to get over you?
I went on my friends facebook account
just for ***** and giggles
because she was on mine
and i found myself on your profile
with tears filling my eyes
because you are perfectly fine
without me
And here i am
barely holding myself together
I won't dare say you're happy
I know you are not
but you're a lot better off
than me.

I refuse to be defined
by a letter, or a grade
that belongs to a system
that, in turn, belongs to a government
that cannot even house its homeless
or protect its citizens
I will not be told
that i cannot be what i want
because my Maths grade was a D
or I didn't take the right subjects
I will not succumb
to the pressures of school
and the ever-increasing weight
that this country thrusts upon my shoulders
I'm 14 for heavens sake
how can i possibly decide
what I want to spend the rest of my miserable life
partaking in for minimum wage?
I would rather be a hermit
and live in the forests, like in my favourite books
away from the corrupt people
dictating my life without my consent
We are slaves to a system
that we do not understand.

I managed to get you out
Of my fickle little bloodstream
But you are, and always will be
Right there
Under
My
Skin

She was the sort of girl who wore her pain like a mask. Concealing every flicker of hope that could show, in case the demons that lurked in corners snatched that hope away and gobbled it up into their ever-hungry bellies. She was the girl who saw constellations in the faces of those she loved most but black holes in her own irises, and the all too familiar fear that was like a second shadow to her, cloaking her and making her see cities burn in her dreams and worlds die at her feet. She was the storm and the calm, broken and whole. She was all and nothing at once, and when that was too much pressure she became the whirlpool of pain she had always kept leashed. This girl collapsed in on herself and the world held its breath until she resurfaced.
It is still holding its breath.

He's got eyes like the ocean and they're pulling me in like the tide, his voice makes my heart sound like the drums he plays and his hands engulf mine in a safeness I didn't know I could feel. But though he brings a light to my life the shadows still linger and whisper in my ear that some day soon he will see all the scarred parts that I hate about myself, and no love nor kindness will be enough to make him stay.

Don't you try to turn this on me
I was there for you when no one else was
I held your hand as you walked through flames
And I dove into an abyss to save you from yourself
I was there for you for 4 years until you moved school
I tried to talk to you all summer but you never even bothered to reply
I tried to hold you closer as you pulled away
But you were too strong for me, alas, now I am stronger
you severed the ties between us, not I,
I was tying knots trying to repair what you broke
Don't act like I wasn't there for you, I am not the criminal
I tried my hardest to be your best friend but you had others
I had no one
Now you're gone saying you're the only one hurting, no
You only cried when I gave you back the knife you've been stabbing my back with for years
*I hurt too.

They teach us poetry
In dusty classrooms
With seats lined up in rows
Ballad, sonnet, metaphors
They are the proper prose
But we who bleed
In blackened ink
Have no such use for rules
We are the colours
We are the words
I create without your tools
But still we sit
Row by row
And learn to write in lines
My pen longs to dance
Across the page
Defying,
Rhyme by rhyme

i hate you
I do, i hate you so much
for what you did to me
but I miss you,
or rather, the idea of you
I miss our late night talks
I miss our good days
how we would fall asleep together
and it would be a blissful silence
but we had to go and mess it all up
didn't we?
Things won't ever be the same
i can't even look at you now
not now, not after what you did
and it hurts because, despite everything
despite the arguments, and bickering
and tears that i shed
I would take you back in a heartbeat
if you hadn't have done that
my friends think i was crazy for loving you
but ours was a crazy love story
and i am sorry that you became
the reason that it ended.

Here we are, shadows of ourselves
screaming desperately into a void
hoping that our echoes will reach the ******
and they, in their curiosity, will return
but the void is just empty dark
and no ghosts nor angels dwell here
it is just as empty, and lonesome
as your brittle heart now is,
the same heart that jumps with excitement
when the returning voice screams back
"COME HOME"
alas, an echo from shadow
the void is empty my dear

we are shouting at the dark.

(I) feel sad
A lot of the time
And I (have) so many
Doubts about whether
(To) bury my heart
Or (keep) it
With me
I am (trying) to decode
The echoes of myself
And I want to just
Give up.

it is nice to have a shoulder to cry on
it is even better when that shoulder
belongs to none other than you.
you, who chase away every storm cloud
that is forming behind my eyes
and bring a smile to my face
when no one else could
i am glad to have you back as my friend
it has been so long, and i have missed you
but understand that i do not want to be more
though the thought of you makes my heart stutter
i cannot handle letting anyone else in
i do not like feeling broken
and it is all i ever feel lately
When you speak, i grow wings
but they will only take me further
from the love you have for me.

Losing a father
isn't like having your pet die
you don't just grieve
and then get over it
you get home
and your house smells of death
and there is an absence
in your heart, in your life
that cannot be filled by anything
Losing a father
especially like I did,
when I was so young
i was old enough to remember him
but not old enough
to have any amazing memories with him
I lost a father
and I feel that loss
every **** day
its an ache in my chest
its an empty void, a chasm,
in my bleak life
I lost a father to death
and the pain will stay
until I am lost to death, too.

I am as unpredictable as the ocean, I can turn on you in an instance with no cause or reason. My heart often lacks enough trust to hold a conversation and my eyes grow weary when exposed to too much sorrow. If i could take a thousand needles and press them into the palms of my hands to feel something, I would, but for now I am just numb. And with the numbness comes a dire sense that my life is slipping through my fingertips like sand and I can do nothing more but watch it as it crumbles.
I hate every inch of myself of late, from the roots of my hair to my little toe. I hate all that is inside me, including the stardust in my bones and the ***** blood sweeping through me, this heart beats but it's broken and it has no rhythm; It is an old truck worn from years of hard use and I fear it will give out soon, I cannot re-fuel myself, I cannot re-make myself. I can only sit in silence and smile to my peers to make them think that I will get through this.
But their whispers I can hear, and they know I will not.

I saw it then
The pain that was woven
In the very tapestries
Of her heart
I knew that,
At the final call
As the curtains drew
The applause would be
Defeaning
And the grief
Would shatter the world.

There's nothing as strong
As the cravings I have for you,
Not so much in a way
In which I want to be skin to skin
But just to feel your presence
And know that I'm safe if you're here
I want your eyes looking at mine
Before we smile and laugh
Your hand in mine
Absent-mindedly tracing shapes
With your thumb, as always
I crave most of all
Your heart
Because you already have mine
I'll admit, there's no hunger
Quite like love.

sitting in the sick bay
I just want to go home
shivering from a non existent cold
feeling queasy but not because i'm ill,
no, its the quaking fear i feel
the numbing pain coursing through me
my friend walks in
and i return to my 'ill' facade
he asks what's wrong
and i look at him with teary eyes
from thinking about death again
and I tell him
Oh i just don't want to be here today
and we both know what i mean
by that.

✧
Hers the stillness of stone
Patient and deathless and cold
Hers the anger of sun
Scorching and decimating and endless
Hers the patience of forest
Timeless and choking and vast
Iquili pulls the moon from the sky
Cups it in her palm like a firebug
Whispers into it her many secrets
And the names of forgotten gods
Iquili crushes the moon to dust between her fingers
Casts it to the wind
Watches the fragments float into sky
To become new stars
Unyielding and burning amongst a black ruin
Iquili screams into the dead night
Vomits a new moon into the dark,
Grinning and covered in blood
Hers the Power of nothing
Hers the Power of all
Hers to make and bend and break the world
Hers to ruin
Hers to raze

It is currently 1:13 am
I have tears on my pillow
From remembering you

                                   *I am not okay

It's strange
And irrational
But I am so
terrified
Of falling in love
I think my family
Is cursed
I just found out
That my cousin's
Fiance, other half,
missing piece
Passed away
In a deep sleep
Into an even deeper one
And my mother
Lost her husband,
Love of her life,
her rock
To a reckless driver
On a road he didn't return from

I'm scared of falling in love
Not because of
The possible heartbreak
Or childish trivialities
But I'm so scared
That one day
Suddenly, out of the blue
In a blaze of cruelty
From whomever
Dictates our fate
They will just be
*gone

I don't write well
I write crookedly and
disjointedly
and
my words do not always
make sense to any but me
but I write
and the pain in me
spills and becomes something real
some constructive
and unlike that terrible reality
of blood in the bathtub
I create I create I create
I don't write well
but I am writing something
at least.

His kisses taste like cigarettes
And when he's drunk
He'll call me his girl
And I'll smile into the phone
While he mumbles at me

He holds me by the waist
And I feel grounded but light
Like he tethers me
Without anchoring me
He doesn't know this

We sat in my kitchen
And drank tea and talked
It felt real in that moment
Like the future was now
And it was so tranquil

His kisses taste like cigarettes
And with every smile
And every time I see him
Staring at me with ocean eyes
I am understanding
His addiction.

I miss you
No, you don't
You miss my words,
and how they made you feel
like you could live happily
You do not miss me

I have decided
I know what you're debating
I have told you not to, many times
Each time you ask for my help
and for 3 long years I tried to help
but it is not my job to save you

I want to die
I know you feel that way, I know
but tell your girlfriend, friends,
better yet, tell your therapist
Not I, who you left at the side of the road
with a broken and confused heart
Do not ask me to fix you

Oh, so you've moved on then?
I rebuilt my life without you,
as I saw you rebuilding yours
But you came crawling back
when I was finally happy
And you tried to creep your way
back into my veins
I washed you out with the tears I shed

It is not my job to save you,
and you made that quite clear to me
when you told me you no longer loved me
do not say you miss me now that I am gone
do not try to tear me away from my new love
the one who holds me when you do this

You are breaking me, and stealing parts of me
in order to fix yourself

My town.
a lonely place
full of the drunk
and the depressed

the fat belcher
coming home from the bar
at 11pm
rambling nonsense and nothings
to the moon and stars
because no one ever listens anymore

teenagers walking
down cobbled streets
at midnight
thinking about how easy
it would be to disappear
because no one misses them yet

the party-hards
blaring music through windows
at 1 in the morning
to distract themselves
from the monsters in their head
because the sound is an antidote

and the observers, like me
who sit and watch
at every hour of every night
and see the nooks and crevices
in this broken little town
and here we sit
typing away our little report
of the drunk and the depressed

we're not like them, no.
we can't be.
not in this
lonely
little
town.

i feel guilty
wanting to die
but
*i can't stop
i can't stop
i can't stop

It's half 7 in the morning
and the shadow of night
is still gripping desperately onto the earth
not yet willing to be replaced with the sun
Darkness floods my window
yet I am still sitting here, fully dressed for school
hair done and makeup finished
does this mean I am finally organized,
does this mean I am in control at last?
Or does this just mean that I am sick
of my brain picturing scenarios in my head
that make my eyes brim with tears
and would make men of stone weep?
I believe that I am not awake, not fully,
part of me clings to sleep, the part of me
that shies away from the stress of school, and life
and in all honesty, I would much rather
be dreaming.

I never understood what people meant when they said you could get lost in someone, but I swear
When you looked at me with those kaleidoscope eyes of yours, containing every colour with tunnel vision straight into the faultlines in my soul
I could scarcely remember my own name
And in that moment between breaths
Looking at each other with the quiet suspense
Of a lethal, lingering kiss
I don't think I would've wanted to

I never fell in love with you
Falling implies disillusion
As if i didnt know exactly
What i was in for
When i looked into your eyes
And found constellations
That i had searched for
My whole life

It implies a failed understanding
Like i had walked off a long pier
And suddenly found you there
In the water, holding me
Instead of rushing to the water
Knowing you would be there
To catch me when i dropped
And never drowned

I never fell in love with you
I grew love for you
A slow budding bloom
That became a vibrant blossom
Ever growing, ever changing
I swelled love for you
It rising and falling
Like an unsure tide
On a new-formed shore

I built love for you
A home of it
All bricks and mortar
In the sacred parts of myself
Where you are always welcome
To walk through the door
And never fall.