it really *****
that the ones i loved the most
have become the people i feel the worst around

i can't settle, so it's just stomach aches
and biting my tongue

i hope you notice the change

and i hope it burns you as much as it wounded me
​​​​​​​when you realise you lost the trust i put in you

i feel it, it's returned
the desire i swore i'd never have again
falling into bed with her once more,
and though she hasn't kissed my wrists
i can feel the phantom throbbing;
she pulses her way through my veins, keeps me weak
has me sobbing

my sweet, sadistic lover
"did you really think it was over?"
i hoped, i dreamed
but it fell apart in my hands and now i'm down to my knees
she curls around my back, murmurs melancholy melodies 'til my head hurts and my ears ring
"i told you you'd never live without me"
perfect, twisted irony

her fingertips are scorching; i can feel the scars forming
but i'm so cold it's paralysing
the ice is deafening—i can't hear reason
her touch is the allure that leaves me reeling
i wish i had the courage to end this, but i'm a coward, scared and weak and collapsing
like lungs, and i can't breathe for screaming

i said she'd never win but losing feels so tempting

may you never be satisfied with having the world;
i hope you find happiness
and continue to search for more.
this world, though beautiful, could never be reward enough
for you.
seek the stars.

touch me not, but also do
i hate your hands but i love them, too
proceed with caution, i know not how to trust
and when i say so: stop, you must
a brush of fingers might make me flinch
but if you give a mile, i might give an inch
i know i'm difficult, there's little to admire
but if you stay, you'll see through my ire
i'm trying to learn, to understand love
to figure out that touch isn't to be afraid of
i want to learn how to be in love
and i think you just might be the one
with whom i'll make it to the long run
so touch me now, i'll touch you too
because these eyes are seeing you
and i never want them to close again
i think you're my happy never end

i wanna go over there
edison's beautiful somewhere
i don't know where that is
but lately i feel as if
it's some sort of afterlife
and i really wouldn't mind

23:46 // 30.12.17

god, i forgot what it felt like to love you freely
without denial, without repression
just plain, simple, acceptance.

last time, though free, it burned
my wings on fire
and so much for flying.

but now i love you
with an ache inside for how i somehow
miss what never was,
never—but almost. almost.

i love you from a distance,
love you from afar
with a gentle sort of pain
that i don't so much mind anymore

it's kind of comforting
soothing in its familiarity

i guess i didn't forget how it felt
to love you freely
not in this way, at least
because this?

despite occasional jealousy
and anxiety-wrought anger

this... this is new. and it's
okay. good.
better.
like a balm on sore wounds

where before you scorched me,
now i just feel warm
and solid. whole.

certain in the knowledge
that this, undefinable as it may be,
is a love that will define me
without consuming me

and i love this love
i love you
calmly now, a little sadly
but mostly
liberally, easily

freely

sad eyes with the sad smiles
sad songs and tired lies
sad boy with the broken heart
you and sorrow never to part