I am a child , I am a mother

I wonder when I will find my joy again.
I hear the wind blow
Looking up,I see the dark night sky

I am a child,I am a mother
I pretend I believe in happy endings,
I feel the pain.....so deep
I touch my collapsed veins.......

I am a child ,I am a mother
I cry about The evil in this world,so much violence and hate....
I worry about dying alone .....
And ....about dying

I am a child, I am a mother
I try to hold on ....hope,for better days
Be it so,
I am a child,I am a mother

Isolating myself,
confined to these four walls.
Refusing to care
Rejecting phone calls ..
And no doubt about it,it is very
safe to say
....One is a lonely number....
but that's how I stay.
Beaten,broken,betrayed ...
Life attempts to teach,,refine and ultimately birth a better me
But for now...... Being that there's a free will ,a hermit I choose to be.
But mainly I'm dying.

solely engrossed, slow to emotions
prone to be a soul that is broken
lowly focus, frozen devotion
vocal notions erode when unspoken

(doing fine, i lie with a smile
while i fight my own quiet trial
i clear my head, i'm alright for a while
but
a mind that is clear is a mind in denial)

goal, avoidance of a throat opened
my vocal notions will go unspoken
choking on the voices stolen
prone to be a soul that is broken

Cold air on the cheeks makes
for a natural blush.
This is a “healthy” look—
I read once from a banned book,
on mute,
in my parent’s bathroom
while everyone else was dreaming.
A “healthy” truth I’ve always
kept hidden under my tongue,
exposed only to moments
matured for keeping.
Licked lips, feel a sting and a dare
to think that I may never really
unlock that door.
That I might just continue
reading words, unapproved,
while other eyes stay shut.
Hiding healthy truths under my tongue
until I’m brave enough
to speak or
swallow.

I whisper 'i love you'
With a deafening silence
I caress every inch of your body
In my mind every minute of every day
But you turn away and nestle against
The one you chose to spend forever with
You and I both know you're not in love
But It's quiet there
It's safe
You're comfortable
While I, I am left with this love
Gnawing at my stubborn heart
I lay every night rapidly combusting
Wishing for the burning to end
So that the ashes that do remain
Will blow away, travel with a gust of wind
And settle upon
Your soft, conforming skin
Then you and I will finally become one
As you always promised we would

The winds of autumn shall soon blow
Verdant leaves that in summer show
Cascading, floating, golden-red
And make a copper- russet bed
      Before 'tis white with quilted snow ...

The burnished rays of autumn's glow
Will implore Summer's heat to go
As falling leaves shall dance and shed
The winds of autumn...

And those sweet seeds that I shall sow
Tenderly- someday, bloom and grow
Where hopes of life so gently tread
As I, on earth, shall rest my head
All seasons of this life to know
The winds of autumn...