398

I had not minded—Walls—
Were Universe—one Rock—
And fr I heard his silver Call
The other side the Block—

I’d tunnel—till my Groove
Pushed sudden thro’ to his—
Then my face take her Recompense—
The looking in his Eyes—

But ’tis a single Hair—
A filament—a law—
A Cobweb—wove in Adamant—
A Battlement—of Straw—

A limit like the Veil
Unto the Lady’s face—
But every Mesh—a Citadel—
And Dragons—in the Crease—

february and the roses have
finally stopped flowering

above stormy clouds
the moon scatters like a ghost

i dream of you, of you...

and the night glides peacefully
to rest while i sigh and wait.

Love had scared me,
In ways, I couldn't define.
Hiding behind these walls and lies,
Made me a coward to this disguise.

I was afraid of falling,
Falling into oblivion,
Scared of getting hurt,
Reasoning, it would scar my heart.

Too many walls around my soul,
Tainted with fake interest and smiles.
Too high; the gates around my mind,
Nobody could climb this high.

Then came he; strange and carefree,
An anchor, in my times of vulnerability.
Demanding to see the imperfections,
I hid all along under this vanity.

I let him in, my broken kingdom,
In my war dress of battles lost and won,
But he stared at me like I was the most precious thing ever,
Because he looked beneath my clipped wings and broken thoughts.

I'm trying so hard.

I'm pulling for my words.

I'm stammering.
           I'm stuttering.

It is a sudden rush of worries.

My mind is swimming in thoughts I can't sort.

I'm getting clammy,
            People are staring.

Everyone is going to see the real me.

My heart is quickening.

I'm drowning,
             but everyone else is breathing.

Someone, help me.

My heart pounds in my ears
My breathing wracks my body
I can't think
I can't stop the
Panic attacks that attack me

Stupidest reasons
Lead to me crying
Lead to me screaming
Lead to me dying and
Nightmarish dreaming
Waking up sweating
Yet freezing cold
My heart squeezing in fear.

Always afraid
Always wary
Always watching out for
The panic attacks that attack me.

Hidden somewhere
A dark corner somewhere
My head in my hands
And a scream in my throat
Silent. No one can hear
No one can know
Quiet despair.

I can't breath
Though I'm trying
I can't scream
Though I'm trying
I can't quite get my nails through my skin
Though I'm trying.
Even seven feet below in the dark
In this state I can't
Reach my goal of ending my life.

My lips can't move as fast as my head
And my head can't describe what I'm feeling
My feelings are leaving me reeling
So confused and hopeless
Close to help but can't reach it
My lips can't wrap around the words I need.
Can't wrap around a simple "Help Me"

So I lay in my room
Hidden somewhere dark
And I let the tears
Leave their marks
On my pillows
On my sheets
On my face.
And I sob silently as the
Words I don't wan't to hear
And lies lead me away.
Silent screams and zero breath reaching
My shaking body and my
Panic attacks just attack me again.