I want to mumble
and stumble upon words
that I haven't used
since you left
but these words
they linger somewhere
on the tip of my tongue
I want to say
I love you
I want to tell you
to come back home
but I know I shouldn't
I try to hold back
but these words
they are too sacred
to be repeated
or to be left
unsaid
and I don't know how but
I let them slip off my fingers
somewhere between the texts
somewhere between hello
and goodbye
I tell you I love you
and I try
to take it back
but I try not to
and I know you noticed
but I'd rather you pretend
it was left unseen
I'd rather you pretend
to not notice
the tears
that flow down my cheeks

You've done this before
and all that came from it
was hurt & regret
in the end
the only place left to go
is home
and you know exactly
where that is
so don't burn the attic
or the walls
the hallway
or the lounge
there is fear
there is stress
but beyond that
is success
so stop
pause
and breathe
there is a mountain of troubles
left to defeat
time isn't your friend
and health isn't mine
so there's no time for games
and no energy left to drain
and so you stop
STOP RUNNING!!!
there's misery where you're running to
there is grief
there is sadness
there is hurt
there is regret
there's a life where you run from
there are troubles
there are solutions
there is happiness
there is love

but if you run
you'll find yourself far enough
to never find the way
that leads back
home

~
This world
in the love of a lover
is no less than heaven
is no less than hell
~

I read through our old conversations
some full of love
the morning I tried to make shine for you
you'd wake up and ask me to hold you
I'd say cuddles you
and somehow that was good enough
for you to feel warm
you'd call me crying
when your shoulder ached
I'd calm you
give you love
and you'd be better
it was too easy
too good to be true
late nights you'd text me
asking if I was up
you had a nightmare
and you just want to hold me
I'd just text holds you tight
and almost like magic
you fell back asleep
as if nothing had happened
there were conversations of days
before and days after
your best memories

I read through our old conversations
these were you telling me
how you had never loved me
nor you ever could
I'd say nothing
and everything
in the same lines of empty texts
I'd still sit and hear you tell me
how I wasn't what you had wanted
or when you'd blame me
for being so far away
and leave me to cry in the night
or the texts from when
I called you late night
I'd wanted to say I love you
but you screamed at me
for waking you up too late
you silenced the same special notifications
from calling out your name
there were conversations
where I'd beg you to stay
but you'd leave mid-convo
and disappear
blue ticks turned gray
double ticks turned single

I read through our new conversations
and they aren't on whatsapp
they are right here
in the poetry we write

its me talking about the havoc
that you caused
or you talking about the texts
which you could never send me

its me telling you "I hate you"
when I have nothing to prove that
or you talking of our old memories
the ones that stretch from summer to winter
from spring to autumn

its me filling your whatsapp inbox
so you'd maybe speak your heart
or you adding my name to your contacts

its me trying not to say "I love you"
because I'm more afraid of love
for what it did to me
for what you did to me
or you trying to remind yourself
of what love looked like
when you had it

its me trying to deny love
when I am filled with it
or you trying to hide your heart
behind your mind