It’s already 3 in the morning
My eyes are still wide open
I’m not even yawning
I’m not even doing anything
Staring on the ceiling
Right there I saw my world crashing
Right there I saw myself drowning
Right there all I want is sleeping
Sleeping and never waking.
Sadness lingering around my body paired with the emptiness that wasn’t evident if you saw me,
It’s here, right inside this ugly mediocre body.
I beat myself every night,
Thinking is tomorrow really worth to survive?
My day goes by “yes I’m fine” when it’s actually “help me, I’m dying inside”
All I could ever think is to die
Dying fascinates and scares me at the time
Questions began to arise,
“It wouldn’t hurt that much if I leave everything in this world behind, right?”
It’s so unusual that one day you feel nothing,
And then the next couple day suprise, you feel everything
And when I think everything’s okay
There someone somewhere saying “something’s wrong today”
You think this is the day you can justify you’re definitely happy
Only to realize that later at night in the four corners of your room you’re incredibly lonely and empty.
And to be honest I don’t know why I feel this way,
One thing I know for sure there was missing inside me,
I couldn’t possibly pin point what could it be,
So I’m trying to fill it with thousands of possibility,
I ask myself “Am I going to be like this day by day?”
I never understood myself then,
Was there something wrong with me?
Was I over reacting?
Or this is really the real me slowly unraveling?
I couldn’t tell anyone what I feel
putting my feelings into words is so much to deal
But then I tried,
I tried telling them I’m dead tired.
And only to get “It’s all in your mind.”
They would say be positive
Or look on the bright side
I hope it’s that easy,
But it’s not, right now my mind is way way messy.
And how I wish I could control what I think,
And when a toxic negative thought felt like coming,
I could let it go away in just a blink.
But it’s not.
It doesn’t go that way.
I’m crying each night, crippling my own heart.
To the situations I am trying to brush away so hard.
I’m maybe the one to blame.
For the thoughts that hardly keep me sane.
And then one day I get used to feeling not okay.
I get used to the hole living inside
To the devil that’s speaking in my mind.
And lastly, I get used to telling people I’m wonderfully fine.
But I couldn’t help but to hope
Hope that one day
All of these ******* would go away,
hope to go back to the old me,
Positive, spontaneous, happy and carefree.