im a broken soul
constantly wanting solitude, yet craving the attention of people who couldnt care less.
im a tired girl
constantly wanting sleep, yet sitting up at 4 am pondering the real reason i feel so empty
im a quiet girl
allowing anyone and everyone to walk over her, as long as their own needs are met
im an erratic girl
making ****** poetry at 9pm at my dining table out of the blue, trying to release heavy emotions that weigh me down like violent tidal waves
im a scared girl
scared of death and what comes next, yet inhaling the fumes of my 5th cigarette
i dont know exactly where im getting with this.

everything was me
i broke your heart
yet im the one torn to pieces
you said goodbye
yet im the one hanging on by a thread
you left me alone
yet i still knock at your bedroom window
you're moving on
and im still sitting at your doorstep

hello
im sorry i couldn't love you the way you loved me.
im sorry i held your heart hostage for six months before smashing it into a million tiny pieces.
im sorry i couldn't bring myself to feel what you felt for me.
i tried, i really tried. with everything in my being. i wanted you to be the one. but now i feel like im meant for no one.
sometimes i cry. sometimes i feel as if what i did was a mistake. sometimes i want to come back and make you happy again, even if it means setting myself on fire to keep you warm.
im sorry for everything i put you through.
maybe im not a hopeless romantic after all.

in the year i've been gone i learned a lot about love, and honeymoon phases.
it comes in waves, almost immediate and crashing down onto you, submerging your being in it's path.
its so powerful, powerful enough to make you blind to everything around you, turning your head at the slightest grey cloud hovering in the sky.
but when its over, when the storm comes, the only way to be truly happy is to escape.
i thought i loved you. i convinced myself so. and if you're reading this, the good times outweighed the bad, your bright blue ocean waves captivated me and i turned the storm into a tidal wave of beautiful memories.
now the only wetness i find is the tears in my eyes when i think about the calm before the storm.

at 4:14 am
im still wide awake
imagining your body on top of mine
captivating me,
your large hands running down my fragile, tiny body,
claiming everything you brush as "yours".
at 4:20 am im still awake,
imagining myself on all fours,
your hand grasping my hair,
pulling it into that tight ponytail i wear during the day,
while you're telling me about how you could never resist me,baby. your words alone leaving me drenched and ready for you.
it's 4:30 am, and texting you:
"are you awake?"

she dresses down during the day,
a pair of swearpants and an oversized flannel,
her soft, curly locks bouncing in a high ponytail.
she's seen as the class hippie, an activist and a seemingly air headed girl.
but what people don't know, is that
this girl is the top of her class.
she's a ditsy, fun girl
by day,
and a baby in lace for her lover
by night.

sippin' on cherry wine
the smell of summer in the air
chlorine in crystal blue water
i turned to you, said
"baby, im in love."
but baby, its only summer lust.

i promised you i wouldn't be the same, that i wouldn't hurt you again,
that i wouldn't drag you by the same leash i'd done for weeks before.
if only i'd known
how to get in touch with my true feelings.
im so weak, so insecure, so jealous, but for what?
you promised me there was no one else. you promised me you wouldn't leave.
you said to me, your heart yearned for me.
yet i still dragged you by the same leash, over concrete and through dirt,
through hell and back.
i watched you suffer, bruised and ****** knees, only stopping when you tried to break free.
i should've known you'd break free.
i should've known my pathetic ways would cause you to leave me crying in my room for hours straight, repeating the same questions in my corrupt mind.
how could i have been so stupid ?
why am i so insecure?
why am i so selfish?
i've learned my lesson now.
i can only apologize now, i can only wish you the best.
i can only hope the next person you meet doesn't hold onto you by a leash.
if you ever think of me, know that im so sorry.