If only you’d known
Six months ago...

What a sweet girl
Full of anguish
She bathed in suffering
Her wrists were always bleeding
Her mind was full of fog
All she wanted was an end
She almost got it

But she didn’t

And now... I wish I could tell her
That sweet, broken girl
That in six months she’d feel loved
In six months she’d be kissed
For the very first time
And she’d have hope again
That her life would be full
It won’t ever be perfect
Things are still hard
She has new challenges to face
But she’s not alone anymore
She’s lovable
She’s loved
She’s going to be alright.

I wanted to say, “yes”
I wanted us to have drinks
I wanted to feel warm and safe
To feel your strong embrace

Maybe if I’d had a drink
Maybe if you had a few
We would’ve both made enough mistakes
Let down our guards
And something could’ve happened

You must’ve known I wanted to kiss you
I wanted you to hold me
Maybe we should’ve had drinks...
Maybe then....

But instead
We were respectful
We were smart
With our guards up high
Yet somehow still drawing closer
But not ready to truly be close

Not yet

I want to keep you secret
Because when you’re secret,
You’re still mine
And my thoughts are my own
My feelings are real
I’m free
As long as I keep you to myself
As long as you’re secret

As soon as they know
Their opinions will fill my head
A thick, slow fog in my mind
I won’t be able to trust myself
I know they can convince me of anything
They’ll fill my head with themselves
And there won’t be room for me anymore
No room for us
Once again I’ll be a puppet
They’ll pull at all my strings
Because that’s what they do

I want them in my life
But I also want to be in my life

So for a little longer
You’ll remain my secret
Just until I catch my breath
And am ready to fight my mind

You don’t need to self destruct to get attention
You don’t need to
Hurt yourself
Cut yourself
Starve yourself
Endanger yourself
Sabotage yourself
To get attention

You deserve attention
You’re worth noticing
You’re worth caring for
You are worth them sticking around

A few months ago I wanted to die
Trying to figure out how I might take my life
My wrist and thigh always bleeding
My future was black and empty

Tonight is different
I’m pretty glad I’m alive
Things aren’t perfect
I’m not always okay
But I have hope
I can smile
I’m not alone anymore

I don’t want to be here

I must be sick...
There’s hope
I have plans
Things are working out
I met someone

Yet

Depression fills me like a heavy fog
Passive suicidal ideations linger
I can’t eat
I’m drawn to cut

I just... I just don’t understand