I dont know what to feel
My mind is confused existing in a jumble of mix emotions that spread further on the liquid surface of the mind
No matter how far I swim they stay just beyond the reach of stretching fingers
Shifting and to the music of a disturbed mind in limbo
Between desire
Making nauseous with anxiety.

I feel like a flightless bird
But not a bird who has never known the gift of flight
But a fledgling watching others find wind
Sail off into their lives on the breeze of self discovery and settle into the waiting branches with comfortable niches
Like a wind of change swept free the debris of doubt
But here I sit on the same rock ledge trying to unfurl wings that creak with uncertainty
The mites of doubt creeping between each feather
Leaving holes to big to face the weather.

They call me crazy and call me blind
For letting you wash back over me
When you have been one person for so long
Its hard to realize what life is like without them
And without you I was more miserable than I had ever been

Dumped like heaping garbage
Stinking up the beauty of the everyday
My love rotted
and with it so did my mind.

Instead of floating I sank
Degraded so far into myself that I discovered the depth of your infection
And how unhealthy it was
How much of the self I valued was fed into maintaining everything

And just when I begun to **** out the invasion
There you stood
On shaking knees on the rim of my secret garden
This ravaged heart in bloom
I dropped my trowel
Skirted the chasm of wilted wonder
And looked at you for all that you were
Those brown eyes screamed and strong arms shook
With that one look I knew you understood

It is more than me
It has touched even you
Yes you sitting on that glowing screen
You have felt it in your feet
Trembled in your bones
Echoed in your mind
And at times even in your sleepless tumbling rolling in the
sheets that specter that stops you from sleeping.

But I will tell you I have loved nothing as fierce
As completely
That should it stop
I would think so would my heart
I shut down like a robot with a glitching brain
Panting that last trembling note
Falling from my lips to echo in the sudden silence.

Yes even with death I could not part from it
For even dead my being would shatter into song
Ripping from the ether
Like a winding piano toy
I should sing yes
Even into my grave

Singing "A beach in Hawaii..."
Plucking that soulful song
Fingers sliding that beautiful rhythm calling you from beyond the grave.
The way music calls me everyday.

Guilty calls
Won't make the pain go away
Checking up on me
How you put it
Isn't going to make me feel
Any better

You make it worse
Showing kindness
Is really pain
Hearing
What I can't have

Listening at how undisturbed you
Really are

I've got my red dress on tonight
Dancing in the pale white light
Feeling the wub wubbing shiver against goose bump flesh

Driving down the night
Going about 99
Swaying that electric rhythmic catalyst beat
The smell of sweat and cigarettes floating on the stale dim air

Like magic my feet move to the silent song of youth
I am young
I am free
Dancing away to the tenor jubilee

The muggy smog of early day
Greeted with its hazy lulling quiet
Making the tumult that was my thought flat line
Where this soft spoken neighborhood
Throw back housing and lazy barking furred tenants leveled back down from the clouded canopy where I float
Like a child on my back in still water
The ungelating  of the cosmos distracts me from reality
The ebbing harmony of self to world relation made a meditation blooming with the emptying of my own being
Where I stare bold eyes in reverent to stars

Looking at the heavens as if they held my heart
Had the power to both make me
And help define the limits of my being where I could not

Touch the place inside myself that I hide
From him, from her
The people I love most know not the secret self
That child whom worries and frets
Panics in its shell,
Stays like the placid lake
Unmoved stillness that meditative calm
Shaking the bars of my being until
The stillness turns rippling
Quaking the waving terror
Down the the drowning heart beneath the sea of calm
Choking on the need to stay silent

To regain composer and not be brought to the shore of reality
Where my being washed ashore
That secret self was laid bare
It's skin still raw from the air, salted with the shame of lost control

I become desperate to swim
To float
Get the grit and sand from beneath my toes
The nakedness unbearable
I cover myself with leaves
And turn away from the sun
Turn away from his light his warmth
It feels wrong to be so ****
He can see my body and I can claim apathy or moreover love
But to bare my soul
My secret self
Is a nakedness I cannot help but protest.

For all your intellegence
You are ignorant
Speaking from a position that
Finds its footing in false Gods
And the reversion of faith
How you gladly slaughter religions
Whom don't speak towards your grand morality
Because like a child you hate
What bred you
Murdering God with your righteous fury

Scorned injustly by a few
Who claim to uphold something beyond themsleves
Speaking like a sage the words of a wisdom you do not understand
Or could possibly embody
Your hate, fury and dogmatic refusal to see anything
Good that doesn't fit your dated
Greek mentality
Of which you in your ignorance
Have no leg to stand upon

Do not with your pious
Bigotted bile rail against something in which you do not know
Do not claim knowledge
When you a child
No not what you speak
A fool
You become
A
****** fool

More ignorant by your expression of opinon
Because you know not what all goes into
The reasoning
The why
The how come

You become what you so decidedly hate
That overly righteous
This is the way of the world
I AM GOD
Mentality consumes you
Becomes you
The mask of radical minded beauty
Comes off
What a sick creature you are
To see the Good
And know its name
But not what it is

Your ignorance blinds you
But your pride makes you a fool.

The buzzing sting like angry ants
Walking a rythmic tenor across my skin
Lines upon lines dancing the patterned waltz
Blushing the brilliance of color
Living artwork breathing
Moving
Always on display
A beauty I'll take to the grave.

Is this real life?
Or is it just fantasy?
Caught in a web of delusion
No escape from reality
Where I open my eyes and all I see
Is the endless movement of shuffling feet
Struggling to keep my head above the debt of necessity
Blinking away seconds in a haze
I look at the world
And Question
Is there something better waiting out there for me.
Or is this all there really is

My voice has receded
Dried up like some long forgotten fruit
Stinging in the ****
Tasteless monogamy
That is the day to day grind
       Plucking the plump paradox of petulant perturbed thoughtless beings
       From my conscious where they lie to the face of my muse
       Confuse me for someone whom cares about the humdrum
While I stray chasing rabbits playing hostess to a tea time of my own madness
Loosing the clock while fishing the fragrant mobs of ill minded twits
Whom twiddle their thumbs for enjoyment
Casting wide to find meaning, beneath the shallow face

No in my confusion
In my madness
I introvertly extrovert
Venting my frustrations behind the mask of my smile
Curling on the edges like some shark snagged toothed
Grinning that grin
That sets the tight line between insanity, and genuine
Where the fickle flock, preening their peacock feathers for attention
Infested with the vagrant lice of lesser men, itching to beat the weak with their superiority.

I watch the flicking flea ridden disease that is their affliction
Smiling that cheshire smile
Knowing that it is their own sickness
That will eat them from inside.

I heard there was a secret chord
That was played and it pleased the lord
But you have never cared for music have you?
But it is worth the baited anticipation
Its glory brings strong men to knees
To cry like a child

Baby I've been here before I've walked these floors and know these doors
What more do you need from me but the assurance of all my deeds
Understanding what I am to become
When in reference to you

But love is more than a victory march
It a cold and broken hallelujah
That screams from the depth of the soul
Shaking down the foundation of bone
Scattering the mind like leaves in the wind
Till nothing is left but that knowledge
Knowing more about yourself from the undoing.

And watching as this time I leave
Footsteps to hollow out the empty

Feet cracking, bruised concrete making skin peel
Walking on the aching pads of reason
Finding home
Away from thought
No mind, he would call it
Acting without acting
Till the murmur of my disillusionments fade
To nothing

Quiet in the echoing void of my mind
******* away intended function
Allowing bones to cave in on themselves and muscles to stove up
Like dried dates in the summer heat

The night was long
Stretching its fingers out, pulling the hands inplace
So as an hour felt like an eternity
Each breath even longer still
I was exhausted
Walking on fumes
Blown over by a hard wind

But the end was in sight
The welcome red, bolted 1823
Where you rested, with soft bed
And warmth
Waiting to sooth the burn of my body
Final ease
Embraced in comfort only you could bring.

Blips of color greet the green leave wonder of evergreen bushes
The fluttering finally subsides and winged whispers hush
Leaving the night void of movement

The stars were brighter outside than normal
Sitting out freezing frozen numbed tips of blue
Curled tightly in jacket edge
Where I sat
In the stillness of evening
Watching the world wind down
Except the wind
Whose words went unanswered
Pleading the sane to find heated doors
And cozy bed clothes

But I never claimed sanity anyway
Who wanted that dull bias label anyway
Moreover who could claim normality in a world of individuals
It was peaceful here briskly captivated by moonlight
But I could not keep composure
The flat line balm ripped itself once more into frenzy

For you popped right back into my mind
As if you only left to grab a bite
Instead of locking yourself out in this cold night
You had to wander back inside
And muck up all the barriers and reassurances I had made myself
Leveling the levy
I had built so I would not drown in sorrow any longer

You with a capitol Y
The one thing that could both leave me in bliss and shatter the fabric of my being
Burn it so the pattern is left thread bare
The edges frayed
Gummed up like some ancient machinery left in the elements of your wrath
Or worse
Your apathy

My solace ruined
I regrettably turn in
Creaking rusted legs
And pluck the melancholy dew drops
Of love  from the heavy air

Maybe it will be good for us
Some time away
Take two
Into one

"I love you"
Then why are you leaving?

"It's not you.."
It's must be, looks like the problem told you it was

"I don't want to break your heart."
It was your purpose from the start.

Waking is like that final breath before the plunge
Down deeper into the thick of possibility
Where I find the Nietzchian mastery
That mentality that dominates and conquers
Leaving behind the pitiful
Weaker modes of being
That sharp edge of nihilism that propagates
The negation of substantial purpose
And living becomes a series of tasks that are manageable
Not the overbearing jumbled cluster **** of modern man

How I dream of Walden
That escape to find existential meaning
That reverts me back to an independent self that relies on not man but nature
To derive sustenance
Long for that shack
In the middle of no where where the worry of the day is to feed myself
And to stare at the stars
Instead of work long hours and still have no freedom to see

But it is not probable that I will have an escape
For the planet is dying one tree at a time
And the ignorance of our species is making
My exodus a place worse than the suburb
At least there I don't witness the choking of innocent creatures on pollution
Gasping for air through lungs riddled with fume
And foaming on plastic by product

While I contribute no animosity towards my mother I participate by association
And feed the monster it's favorite treat
That sickly green paper
And a snack of penny meat

While my exceedingly more mechanical mind cranks the cogs tighter
And starts to rhyme
Filling in the line space and paying my dues I become another body
Thus a weapon to the corporate  move

A solid echo to the empty room
Resounding off walls
The gasp
The plopping din of tears
A lonely light

Solitary
Screen white in the blackness
As I write
I sit here
Typing away
Cat purring
Curled as close as he can get
Watching a repeat of similar action

Stuffed up
Nose-drool
Shaking hands
The blue of eyes made more prominent by red
The aching echo of silent screams

Big green eyes witness
Me falling in on myself all over again
Cave into my being
Doubting that I'll find my way back again
Into more darkness
The void to my ongoing
Depressed state

Finding it better to be there; lonely
Numb
Than swallow the bitter pill of reality

I want to dull the bass-bound thumping of my own thoughts
The pounding of my own blood
Believe that I don't exist
Unlike what Descartes would have me believe
I want to be deceived.

Could love ever shine through this jaded soul
Through the dusted cobwebbed corners
Into that little dark corner I pushed it
To forget about it
To never remember the joy it brought me
The acceptance I still look for
That screams for it from the flat surface of canvas white
Look here
See me
Screaming
Out in that most primal way
Hoping to here it echo in someonelse

I move across the canvas
Like waves move across the face of the sea
Smooth languid strokes of vibrant color fill in the hollow spaces
Where my creative mind buzzes
On the blissful blossoming beauty of self expression

Like a child holding on to something
So hard it threatens to break
White knuckles braced
Glorifying in its embrace
Protecting
Coddling
Hoping to keep new
Investing so completely
There is no I without you

Your words screech like chalk board
Where criticism falls from your mouth
Loosing my feet ,buckled ankles, crawling like a wounded animal
After you
Trying to be strong when I am weak
Your hands are supposed to catch me
Comfort, it was all I ever ask of you
But  you turn your cheek to nothing but your own centered pain

As I lay holding the tremors of my insides
Bleeding ears bearing the tulmut in waves
Choking on my own misery
Self loathing and feeling worse for haven sought

Even in this I think
Of nothing
But the comfort of your arms
While you hurt me
Abuse my heart
I dream of being held
Turn towards your apathy
Like a moth to the beauty of a flame
Hoping to find something warm
Other than
Your blatant need to neglect my love

A *******
I become
Loving like a child
Eros
With blotted wings loosing everything for love

I stood there mute
Words harnessed in my throat ragging against the cage of reason
But I could not hurt you
The way you have hurt me

The deep trenches of doubt
The bleeding **** of shame
And the liquid infection of your love

My love
And its mutated form
Eatting away at the insides of my mind
Heart a black mass of rotted feted meat

But I could not hurt you
With the words I wanted to scream
With the torement of my soul
The tearing of scarred
Lightly burned insides

I could not wound you
With the lash of my angered tongue
The righteous injustice I have felt
For my own sake

I could not make you anguish
Over love like I have done
Still do and will do
Until you decide you don't need me

Even with you standing
There on in the gravel lot
Breath a warm cloud
And eyes sincere
Questioning me

Asking me
What you have done wrong
What you deserved to know

But I could not hurt you
With the truth
With the pretty lies
Or with honest half's

So I said nothing
Breathed deep
And tried not to cry
Looking away
Off into the setting sun

I could not hurt you

Warm lips on forehead crown
Hands touching
A face drawn in reluctant tears
A chest
The pleated plaid of button down
Steady rhythm of heart

I could not hurt you

My unpredictable rock
Tearing me down
Building me up
Tripping my tongue
And trapping my thought

I could not hurt you
My weakest spot.

Im that same little blue eyed girl who walked into walls before you knew I was blind.
That same jaggle-toothed imp who got busted for staying outside too long.
The crazy tomboy who hit a home run, sliding so fast she skinned her elbow, knees and arms.
Winning and grinning that victory smirk

Im the same punk *** teen that razored her hair
With blackebd eyes to old for her face.
The same lonely girl trying to make some space.
The sweet hearted goth with sarcastic smile.
The Greenday ****** against it all.

There was a time where the music stole my soul.
Only to return it shattered over a boy I didnt care to know
But it came back with a vengence.
To play rock band with the strings on my heart.

Now tattered and tatted I stand before you now
All all grown up the early phases of my life set free
Shifting like a camilion I am all these things and not.
But dont confuse me
Im better than ever before
Im not searching for it anymore
I am free of what used to be me.

I want to bring color to a world so set in black and white
That it beats a a spalttered tattoo of unforgivness
Flow to the stagnation of hate and freedom to the prison of prejudice
Like a revelation I want to speak into existence a toleration for all things
For all those that dare to listen

It clicked like a hollow snap
Of a twig under foot or the brisk flick of a lighted switch
Eyes locked and brains synced
Like a breath long held
It fell out of the mouth in a hurried exclamation
I could be you friend in a tantalizing heart beat
The subtle yang you'd be to my yin
I'd want more than I should
Your mind a wicked wilderness of meaning and theory
Tempting me to adventure

You never quite feel it
Till just before the show
Right at the grand creshedo
The "thats all folks"
But when it does come
It waves and ebbs
Rolling and rising
How the memories consume
Abeit and roll again
Shifting while I stand
Falling back in time
Till I'm that little girl again
Waiting by the garden for you
Not 22 and placing the last rose you will ever see in bloom

We are birds in a cage
Taught that we are free
While we molt to the skin
Under the eyes of a neglectful owner
We sing praises of individuality
Thanking them for a drop of water

We are glittering dust on the face of time
Swept up and scattered
Like jewels glinting in the ether
An exhale of decades past
Burning up quicker with age
Shining brightly for a moment
A brilliance tempered in rage

We crave change like coffee
After a three am study session
Where lines blur and sleep is but a memory
We want instant gratifying successful change
With little to no effort
Like instant noodles of experience
Run over the hot water of ill prepared workers
Who are spit out of the machine to quickly
Yeah we all want change
But we don't want to pay for it either.

"I love you"
1:00 am admissions
Eyes creaking open, head throbbing
Dehydrated from sorrow
Desperate words, wrapped in midnight magic
Said in the hush, secreted under the door
Sweetened by the bitter knowledge of love but not in love
Re-opened once more to hurt
Hearing regret, slapped by reality
Burdened by its curse

Insomnia has fallen into my bed again
Taken the blankets and run away with the night
Like a bandit it guards it
Like Smaug it refuses to share
Flaunting its peacock feathers
Unobtainable
Elusive
Some exotic creature prowling the dark
Letting loose its seductive calls
While I sit here
Eyes crusted and stinging
Doing anything to still the anxious
Vibrations of my mind

The sweet heat washes down trembling limbs
Drenching in warm sweat
Trailing its languid touch down the face
Arms and finger tips
Dripping along the spine
Between the chest and across the hair of the scalp
Collecting on eyelashes and lips
Huffing in exertion
Choking on humidity

Its 2 again and like an old friend Insomnia keeps the dead waking
Swinging the doors of the mind wide open
Haunting me with my own doubts
Shaking old fears free of dust in deabilitating detail
Till my minds screams suicidal thoughts at the wall of crushing anxiety
That just bubbled up my throat like some sick truth that I can't determine I really feel because it was dragged forward in all this nonsensical late night rush
Like a gerbal I feel like Im circling around and around on that wheel thats never really going anywhere but keeps
Spinning and spinning away into a manic spiral that has periods of ups and downs
So chaotic I dont even recognize my own brain in the madness..
Cyclial and almost predictable
When everything was going good and then just suddenly isn't...

Words die like flies
Flinging from my tongue
Cascading down the back of my brain like melting ice cream on a day too **** hot for inhabitation
Trickling in sodden pools of anger
So deep I can not see the bottom
Where my anger festers like a wound infected by the filth that is you
You who takes this innocent and neglects it like three day old trash left to rot on the side walk
You make me sick

Sometimes I feel like a night blooming flower
Wilting in the daylight sun
Drying up
Flaking from scorching expectation
Hot stares making me close up in side
Burrow into myself till there is no distinction between myself
and others
A placid mirror regurgitating the mockery
Like a parrot dancing to its reflection
Only to bloom beautiful in the light of night
Where eyes can no longer be so cruel and the sunlight of society can not reach me.
The cool completeness of myself greets me like a lover that come daylight I don't want to let go.

I see the world in rainbow colored glasses
Focusing on the bright boldness that is life
Rather than it's shades of gray
There is not a day in monochrome for everything is always changing
Shifting in and out of blues and greens
Every color in between
And what better way to love it all than to see all it's patterns fall
Beyond the rose tinted frame.

Will you still love me?
When I am no longer vibrant
With the contengency of my youth
When my soul is laden with the suffering of a lifetime
Will you hold me?
Kiss away the pain of my heart
When the world betray's me
And my own heart denies me enterance into the realm of forgiveness

Will you still love me?
When my lips thin
No longer plump with the pouting potential of 21
When my blue eyes no longer spark with the reflecting depth of laughter
When age takes my skin into itself and adds new plains to my profile
Will you still see me?
Inside a body that shifts with the experiences that define it
When the shell that was once so vocal is quiet
When I revert inside my mind to find the answers to the world
Instead of forge a new path
When I travel a road long worn by the pads of my feet that I know it by memory
As I know you

Will you still love me?
When the ring on my finger no longer fits
Having loss the thickness of supple skin
Will you still love me?
When I can no longer grant life
When children sing no more lullaby's in their small voices
Can you still love me?
When nights grow colder
And the stories I tell you grow together
Weaving the tale of your life into a glorious creshendo
That words fail and you are brought to tears
By the essence of my love.

I will still love you
No matter how you change
I will see the young man with his wide eyed wonder
I will love the gentle expressions of your self when they change as we all do
There will be no faulter in my steady step as I hold your hand

Help you off the ground
Steady your shaking feet
Planting firm roots beneath you
When everything else is meant to fall
I will see you despite it all.

It's been quiet
The faucet dripping the echoing stillness
Of adverse mindset
Consumed by the withering sleeplessness that ails the student dragging dead feet strung out on dead wisdom
That is no longer implemented, applicable and moreover looked at as a crutch for those whom social status is less than hip
The area of mind confiscated by academics swells
Thudding the pulse drum rhythm of obsessive regurgitation
Were Kant spews forth followed by hinduistic dharma
Up chucking language theory
So is my disease so is my study

Where upon waking all I dream is to sleep
To get some **** rest away from all of the conflict messing processed dogma
But addictions have a way with coming back
And I'm all to experienced
A longtime loner
Swisher of ailments in the whiskey tumbler of existence
Fermenting on the brewing affliction that is life

I walk with a head full of clouds, a mouth full of wisdom
Trudging in a sea of doubt flippantly filling in the void with words unspoken
Teetering on the edge of what is "right" what is "wrong"
Floating on the tempting water between what I am and what I "should be"
What the letters upon the box should say, were they stuff me to forget me
Their labels still sting the inside of my nose, the latex embedded in the skin from each ripping and re-sticking.
I wear a face upon my skin her butterfly headdress bleeds the color of their contempt, the slick lines of abstract freedoms morph to become the fluttering of a thousand wings
What I want most I have bled to show, how my mind works and sees has printed on the skin
Put there to remind all I am more within.

Sometimes I feel it
Just on the edge of thought
Peeking over the tight grip of control
My fist clenching tighter
Hoping to deaden the noise
The doubt
Remorse
To keep a pleasant disposition

Avoiding offending
Trying at all cost to comprehend
To not step on toes
Careful
So careful
Daintily tip towing around reality

Stuffing the self so deep into itself
That reality becomes the cage
Society becomes its antagonist
Feeding it shallow lies and filth
Of a world so full of itself that
It chokes
Out the light of a free spirit
Inside my self I hide
I plot and wonder

Driving myself closer to insanity
Still believing everything is ok.
Shielding my resentment
Festering from within

I still feel the sharp edge of your tongue
Biting into the soft tissue
Of my brain
Hemorrhaging your lies

You caught me singing in the waning light of day
So you decided to cut my tongue
You caught me dancing in dim twilight night
So you bound my feet in sick delight
You heard my thoughts as they ran free with pen and grace
So you took my hands and bound them in lace
You took my voice, my delight and encumbered my speech
But what you can not take is my mind
For that my love is and always will be solely mine.

You were like a wild animal
Starved of attention
Self and worth
Knawing at its own limbs
Though your bonds had long been cut
Plucking out each ****** feather
Fraying the edges of freedom
While I watched still holding the knife

The thrumming clunk of shocked wheels
Eat up road worn smooth by big junking beasts
Smoking up crisp air
Hungry for a taste of stunted freedom
The rush of wind the pained panels
Pulling a mass of curls with sticky cold fingers
Raking across my scalp

Shaking in the silence
In wake of thought
The bass drum barking out a numbing melody
Sliding like thin blade into the back of my mind
Enhancing melodramatic mood
Touching my tender heart

Fresh from the lash of lonely
Bludgeoned by the deadpan distance between
My soul
Snack sized bit of flesh clinging to the slick walls  
Of reason
Hammering in my chest
Still riddled with the mark of your claiming
The imprint of my nails still bleeding
In refusal

But claim it you did
Snatched it up out of my chest
Trailing arteries and the copper stench of blood
Empty cavity
Filling up with dreams and the sweet taste of your breath
Leeching into my limbs and whispering love into my being

But this road is ceaseless
No matter how many times I visit
That long stretch of highway
Promising me  the Spector of your memory
The ghost of your touch
Warmth of love
Acceptance
Renewal of my existence

The green glint of freeway sign
Showing me where I would have found you
Down that dirt road
Swing hair pin turns hearing your laughter as it chases me closer to where you should be
Were you will always belong
Where I could have found you had life been kind

Your savage dissection of my soul keeps me yearning
Reaching out and grasping my independence hostage
Where you have become a necessity to whom I am
What I am
And who I will be
Hinges on your well being

Fading into nothing
Where I am defined by you
My angularity is tethered down
But the road yields no answer
Only the Spector
The sad shadow of memories that refuse to fade
Die instead of rotting
At least with death it can be buried
Living with the death of my heart
A tragedy I would not allow to part