and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

eggshell on eggshell
together we are building a fort
towards futures on teetering edges
searching for places brighter than
anything we have ever known.

i am looking at you with eyes
that have been withered by smoke,
jaded and misguided, i fear the day
i think i've found my home because
knowing is the first step to the end
of anything beautiful.

i’ve kept your letters stored in a box, labelled
'reasons why you should never trust people
even when their actions match their words’
and i open them every once in a while, to remember
the reason why i let myself go in the pursuit
of something better, something better
(which i thought was real happiness until i realised,
a world without trust is a very, dark place.)
but a world with empty words and meaningless
promises is equally dark, and a world in which
you were no longer by my side was the darkest
world of all.

you are cigarette sticks just lit,
you are a fresh wound on an old stitch.
a disorder spun out of control,
watching as madness takes hold - clutch
breaks - what happens next - your
life begins to unfold. creases form like
scars that never quite leave, mistakes
we break, we drown and we bleed.
i can't live without them is the greatest
lie: love kills you from the inside out,
toxic chemicals rampage fire through
your veins: hooked, hooked, hooked
lined and sunk; funny how we continue
to live with it only because we die with it.

what people don't and will never understand is
when your chest tightens and you find it hard to breathe
and it hits you like a breaking wave:
the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness; but the wave
was devoid of water or any physical composition.
still, somehow, water, from your eyes, drips out like a broken tap -
your cheeks are too numb to feel it.
no alarm, no signal, no call to tell you that
the roller coaster's carriage is on its way,
to warn you that it is about to pick you up,
playing you like a child who just learnt to throw paper aeroplanes.
binge - bruise - cut - bruise - binge - cut
numb to any sensation and devoid of feeling

the roller coaster comes to an end eventually.
yet the guilt of the aftermath stays -
but there is, a temporary moment of solace in the waiting -
until it comes again.

then
i watched as they, two lips, touched
and two lovers hugged, a warm embrace.
i had never quite seen anything like it before.
they touched again. maybe i'm too young for this.
should i be covering my eyes? mommy, tell me what
to do. tell me what i am supposed to do when
i am surrounded by people; yet i feel so alone. where
did all my friends go? i wish we could play
like we used to, in the sandbox after school with
swings and birds would fly around us. the grass would
be green and i might pluck a flower for that girl i like.

now
i can't remember her name anymore and the birds don't
quite fly like they used to. the sandbox has been soaked through
and i can't run around in there now. no one is around anymore -
i thought i would feel more alive on my own - i still feel alone.
i saw the two lovers the other day. they walked with a distance
between them, friction that burned once you got too close.
i don't know how things fall apart this easily or why they do,
do people simply stop trying over time or does friction grow and
burn away everything that is beautiful, because everything is supposed
to be pain and hurt? anything that truly lives is bound to die, and
anything that doesn't is dead inside anyway - but why can't we simply
be allowed to live a little? why does god have to let us hurt so much
inside?

i.
you never told me about her but i've never needed to know.

ii.
i'm reaching for your hands but they aren't reaching back.

iii.
i called out for you in the dark but you didn't respond.

iv.
i'm counting the days until we can be alone together again but it will be months until then.

v.
you told me about how orion's belt reminded you of me but all i could think about was your lips on mine and the sound of your heart beating as i press my ear against your chest, breathing you in.

vi.
(i looked up at the sky tonight and saw orion's belt, and thought of you, too.)