These words that I am about to write,
they aren’t for you.
They are for me,
For me to remember my mistakes with you,
So that I can spare myself repeated pain.
You are a myth,
a myth that I believed in.
When I saw you,
first started talking to you,
I was drawn towards you.
You were strong,
in build and in character.
You were different,
and there was something that pulled me to you.
I began to drink you in,
enjoying the taste of your presents.
I was looking for a place to belong.
A man to call my own.
A man to call me his own.
But out of insecurity,
I ran quickly to you
Before knowing who you are,
Before realizing that you aren’t the type of man that I desire.
You possessed a quality,
something within you that I was blind to,
that I didn’t want to believe.
Know that I don’t completely blame you.
Much of our friction,
Many of the mistakes was due to me.
I was the one that pushed you away,
because I was insecure and scared.
But it makes me mourn the type of man you are.
From the start, we talked about ***.
We were drawn towards each other’s bodies.
We planned on ******* from the start.
But what if we waited?
You said why?
I wanted it to be special.
But you said we would click,
so why wait….
But I had done this before.
I had ****** with so many men from the start.
I was worn from giving myself physically,
only to be drained emotionally.
I wanted this to be different.
I only wanted to feel your touch when I knew you cared.
But I was weak…
I was needy
And had no respect for myself.
So once again,
I dropped my clothes,
and bent over for another man...
From the start,
you were rough.
******* was your game.
For pleasure,
You had to control.
After a few hard *****,
and a few dates,
you looked at me and said you liked me,
a lot.
But what would have happened if I told you I wanted to wait?
If I wanted to stop *******?
Would you have?
What if I told you
I didn’t want it rough,
That I didn’t want to be your ****.
Emotionally,
I wasn’t okay.
In order for it to be okay,
I needed to be secure in myself,
And not quickly settle,
And give myself away.
I ran from you.
Then came back.
Then pushed away.
Then came back.
Repeat.
Repeat.
I came back one more time,
Telling myself I just wanted to ****.
But I really wanted your love.
This was the only way I knew how to try and get you back.
Why did I try again?
Because I was drawn to you.
I might have been able to love you.
Yes,
this game was unfair.
I was playing means games.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the way that I treated you.
But, I want you to know,
I want myself to know,
that the way you treated me,
when we were dating and when we were just friends,
wasn’t okay.
The last time I saw you,
We becomes drunk.
You threw me down.
I let you tie my hands
And bend me over.
I was still trying to earn your love.
It was all so ****** up.
I was such a hurting fool.
To you,
I was just a thing for you to ****.
I was your animal.
And you were my master.
You hit me until I cried out,
And kept going.
You wouldn’t stop until you were satisfied.
To you, it was just a game.
To me,
I tried to pretend.
You didn’t stop there.
After you ****** me,
you tossed me aside.
I was no longer good enough for you.
You demand to have two girls to dominate.
By myself, I’m was no good.
From the start,
you just wanted someone you could ****,
someone you could call your *** slave.
You called me a **** from the start.
At the end you said
Obey me,
or never come back again.
I shouldn’t have been with you from the start.
But I wanted you….
I don’t blame you for all of this.
I have simply come to understand the truth,
And let myself see the man that you are,
And the woman that I was….
You took advantage of me.
You abused me.
In no way did you protect me.
I don’t think that you are a real man.
I abused your feelings from the start.
I played games.
I was insecure and didn’t respect myself.
Why should you respect me?
I blame myself for coming back to you.
For believing in this myth.
For believe loved could be formed
by giving myself to you
without you earning my body.
It is too late for me to change the past,
to erase our relationship.
But it isn’t too late for me to see
that I don’t have to fall in love with this myth again,
That I don’t want to be that girl again.
Don’t leave my memory.
I need to remember what kind of man you are
And what type of girl I was.
I need to remember this myth,
So that I will never believe in it again.
I deserve a man,
a man who will love and cherish me,
Who will protect me when I can’t protect myself.
I want to be a strong confident woman,
for me,
Not for any man.
I only want to give myself to someone out of
desire,
not out of insecurity
or desperate emotions.
I forgive myself for abusing our relationship.
I forgive myself for letting you in.
And I forgive you.
But I will not forget what you did to me.
Because I never want to return to that hell again.
I am a treasure.
I am worthy of respect and love.
And it has to start here.