This drug,
It's  destroying me
It's  wrecking my life
to the point where I can hardly breathe

It's hard to stand
It's hard to make it through the day

Without this drug
Its hold is getting stronger and stronger
When I'm depressed, I run to it
When I am weak, I cling to it.

What does it do?
It helps me for a second... for a minutes
It helps me to forget the pain that I am in...
momentarily.

The doses are becoming larger
the tolerance becoming stronger
My body shakes for it
Yearns for it
Dreams about it

This drug numbs the pain of my reality
But this drug is causing more pain in my reality
....the little reality that I know....

Maybe I am being overly dramatic
Maybe I just like to draw a show to myself
But I think I am really trapped

If I don't push this drug away,
If I don't lay it down now,
There may be no turning back

With every ounce of my strength
With the little will power left in my body
I push this drug away

I am not sure how I will make it through the day
I am not sure how I will deal with my reality
But I can't let this drug consume me any longer

If I let it win,
Only one thing can happen
And that is death...

I am not ready for that,
Not yet
Because there is still a small flicker of life
stirring in my bones....

My mind needs to focus on the task at hand,
But its drifting away to another place.
That place is you.
Yes you.

I thought frequently about you throughout the day.
Thoughts of you brought feelings of
peace,
rest,
safety.
I am not sure why.

I think it is because you accept me for who I am.
You forgive me for my mistakes.
And you like me for me.
That makes me feel safe.
That makes me feel calm.

So, I want you to know,
for some reason you are special to me.
I don’t claim you.
I won’t try to control or cling to you.
I won’t call you mine until you chose to be.
I will simply enjoy your presents…
but this will be hard for me.

As you know,
I love to control.
I want control over my path,
over my future,
over the relationships I have.
I don’t like the idea of being hurt,
or not knowing how the path will end.

I want to make you love me.
But I can’t.
And I won’t.

True love doesn’t come out of force.
It comes from a bond,
a deep bond of two souls.

So, my dear,
let this relationship be what it will be.
but know this:
I care for thee.

Good girl,
good girl he says as long as I obey.

Yesterday, I was strong.
I didn't let him order me around...

But his sweetness poisoned my mind.
I couldn't think straight.
I wanted his love.
I wanted him.

Bit by bit he whittled me down.
Bit by bit I let my standards slip.

I began to send him pictures...
pictures with his name on me.
I began to see myself, my body, as his possession.

One minute he would say sweet things.
He would tell me I was beautiful, no gorgeous.
I was his girl.

The next minute, he was angry, because I wouldn't do as he said.
I felt pain.
I didn't want to make him mad.
But I didn't want to do as he said.

When I resisted, he went away.
I couldn't have that.
I was poisoned by his loved.

So, each time, I went a little further...
Part of me still fought...but not for long.

I kept freaking out on him.
I kept pushing him away.
But I was so drunk on him,
that I always came crawling back.

I begged him to forgive me,
and then...I offered myself up to him.
He could do whatever he wanted to my body.
He could let anyone **** it.

He said I was wonderful.
He said I was beautiful.

But now I know he just wanted control.
He wanted a slave.

Now when I look in the mirror,
I don't see beauty,
I see a toy for a man's pleasure.

I've pushed him away for the last time.

I can't live with him,
but my heart is having a hard time living without him.
My mind is still drunk over him.

Hopefully, I will forget these scars someday...
Someday, I might even respect myself again...

Love,
It isn’t for me.

It is for perfect people.
People with a beautiful voice.
People with strength in their eyes.
People with perfect bodies.
People with perfect confidence.

I don’t believe in love, well love for me.
I feel unnoticed, in the corner.

I’ve tried standing,
But I’ve never stood out.

People tell me I’m beautiful,
That I have talents and a purpose,
That I am one of a kind…

But aren’t my friends and family supposed to say these things to me?
Do they mean what they say?
I don’t think so.

And I don’t care how I look anymore….

By nature, I run.
By nature I push you away.
Please, make me stop.
Don’t let me push you.
Let me see you.

But I love this world.
It tastes so sweet.

It is the poison that I love…
the poison the I can’t live without,
the poison that is killing my soul,
the poison the has me chained.

I don’t want to be chained.
I want to be free.

But I don’t care about anything anymore.
I enjoy being dead inside.
Its all I know.
It feels comfortable.

I don’t want to be free.
But I want to be free.
But I don’t want to fight anymore.
I was to lay in my mire,
lay in my *****.

It is my safety blanket soaked in poison.
It is my strength.
It feeds my body while draining every drop from me.
I am dying.
But I want to die…

I block you out, so I can live, so I can breath...
But who am I kidding? Who am I fooling?
I'm lying....to myself...
The only way to live, is to die...die to myself, and live to Christ.

In Christ alone I have life.
In Christ alone can I be free.
The path isn't easy.
Sometimes it *****.
Sometimes I wanna cry.
Sometimes I wanna give in to my flesh...well most of the time.
The memories of the past haunt me.
I can't get rid of the memories...the pain.

But then I look up, and see the cross...the blood...the love...it is for this love I love....it is for this love I live.

He is worth all the pain.
He is worth dying for.
Praise be to my king.
Yes, my king.

Now that my eyes are up and my hands stretched out...I can breath.
Now I can dance.
Now...now, I can wake up and live.

Leaving the past behind,
I had forgotten you.

Maybe I think of you from time to time,
But then I push you out of my mind.
I'm moving on,
leaving the old behind,
beginning anew.

But with a simple hello,
you come back into my world.
Why? Why do you do this to me?
We can't exist together anymore.
We aren't meant to be.

So what shall we do?
I think you want me back even though I've hurt you.
But it's not good for me or you.

We might sleep together once or twice again,
say that we care for each other....
Maybe you care,
but I'll just say so because I feel guilty,
because I let you have a part of me again...

But I don't really care.
I want to care.
I want someone to love me and someone to love back.
But you aren't the one.
And I'm not the one for you.

I'm becoming happy with who I am.
And honestly, I'm happy being alone.
I am happy without you.

Someday I'll find a side to sleep by.
I'll find a hand to hold.
But now is not the time.
I won't trick myself into thinking that you are the one.

I let you go.
No more hurting you.
No more hurting me.

So please,
for your sake and mine,
let me go.
Let us go.