i miss you

i miss your smile

i miss your soft brown hair

i miss your nice smelling sweaters

i miss your laugh when you saw a cute dog

i miss you so much oh g o d do i but missing you

won't
bring
you
back

Boys
Ask me
Why I can’t cook
And keep a house
And I tell them
My mother
Spent my childhood
Teaching me
What it meant
To be a bigger
Man than
Even they
Learned to be

i am in a haze today. it is cloudy and beautiful outside. it is also pressing down on my chest and i struggle for air. i wore your shirt to bed last night and it helped steady my oxygen supply. i wish you were here to say my name and speak to me in my native tongue to remind who i am and where i've come from. i'm forgetting everything, slowly. recreating yourself is only good when you haven't done it five thousand times over. i just want to be me now. but how do i become me if there is no you? pick me up from the library and walk me to class. hold my hand and tell me that you will stay with me no matter how grey the sky is or how cold my fingers feel.

don’t you ever think that you were easy.
you were a piece of work, a task that needed constant action, an assignment that needed to be taken with caution, but i still did it.
i still loved you.
i loved you so unconditionally.
i loved you at your worst and your best and i loved your flaws and your mistakes and i loved your smiles and your voice and i loved you when you didn’t love yourself.
i handled you as if you were fine china, fresh and clean, even though you were far from such purity.
i dare anyone else to love you in such a way.
i dare anyone else to love all sides of you equally.
i dare anyone else to love you enough to sacrifice anything and everything for you the way i did.
i dare anyone else to love you well enough to know how to handle you.
i dare anyone else to put up with you even after you’ve made them feel as **** as you made me feel.  
i dare anyone else to love you enough to let you break their heart endlessly for the sake of being with you.
whoever she is, she won’t be half of me. she may have a brighter smile with eyes lighter than mine, she may have skin smoother and more beautiful than mine, she may have a laugh more admirable than mine, she may have a body more fit than mine, but she will never have a heart as big as mine for you.

some people never go crazy.
me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch
for 3 or 4 days.
they'll find me there.
it's Cherub, they'll say, and
they pour wine down my throat
rub my chest
sprinkle me with oils.
then, I'll rise with a roar,
rant, rage -
curse them and the universe
as I send them scattering over the
lawn.
I'll feel much better,
sit down to toast and eggs,
hum a little tune,
suddenly become as lovable as a
pink
overfed whale.
some people never go crazy.
what truly horrible lives
they must lead.