I.
try on the boy who doesn't know what kissing is. just that he can't tell anyone. can't show anyone. this boy thinks he's supposed to shake.

II.
try on the boy who tries to reclaim his own lips. who gives up. and instead, he tries to tear them off for years. he tries to make others help him. he tries to drink things that burn until he can't feel them.

III.
try on the boy who kisses in the dark and can see this one clearer than any other. he isn't afraid or shaking or intoxicated. it burns nonetheless. he stares at this boy he can't see, this boy who knows what he's done to his own mouth and somehow isn't appalled. who somehow wants to be the first good thing to touch him.

I found a lost soul
By accident really
It happened by chance
I picked up the pieces everybody else broke
I reconstructed a heart that had quit beating
I took the place of parents that had abandoned him
Became the friend he'd always wanted
I gave him a safe place to go when he was scared
I took him in
& I fixed him
But in the process I lost myself
I let my soul die while saving another
And that is the worst form of suicide I've ever witnessed

I can still feel your hands
Around my throat
As you yelled that I didn't love you
How ironic

Months ago you told me to be expecting a surprise.
You said you felt like doing something special for me for all that I do.
You asked me if I could help you pick something, & I refused.
I wanted the surprise to come solely from you.
Little did I know the surprise would be setting me free.
The very last thing I wanted to be.

We all have that person who admire from a distance
The fear of getting to know them because you think highly of them
what if those feelings fade or not what you made the person out to be the fear of disappointment
Or what if you can't live up to those needs and those desires
Saying hi makes your day, making eye contact feeling those vibes
Nervous not sure what to say but look forward to the social interaction
Know in an environment but outside of that world be interesting
The fear of rejection but being accepted and mixed emotions hard to set straight.

11:44 PM // do you remember the first time we met? i do.

12:02 AM // i remember the first time we locked eyes like it was yesterday

12:09 AM // i remember the swirl of green and brown all in one mesmerising gaze taunting me like a bad dream

12:57 AM // you were never just a stranger to me, you were never a face that didn’t matter  

1:18 AM // from the moment i laid eyes on you i knew you’d break my heart

1:32 AM // i can't stop thinking about the last time you told me you loved me

1:55 AM // you called me up after weeks of nothing and told me you'd never love anyone like you loved me

2:07 AM // you were saying goodbye, weren't you?

2:50 AM //  i could have forgiven you if it was only a kiss, but you fell in love with her

3:49 AM // i've kissed lots of people since you, but none of them pulled my hair and tasted like fanta

4:27 AM // my god i loved you with everything i had

5:01 AM // it still wasn't enough, was it?

5:55 AM // it was always meant to be her.

Weep with words
And not with tears