i'm going to tell you how i feel today
you didn't ask
but i'm gonna tell you anyway

i feel okay when it's wednesday night and i'm at work
i feel okay because when i'm busy it doesn't hurt

it's fine

i know he tells me i'm pretty all the time
sometimes i think it's true
but probably not

thanks for being
the inspiration
of my own personal
desperation

i should have blown you
kisses for blowing my
good girl cover

i'm seventeen
and so so sweet
wouldn't it be nice to
meet someone just like me?

it's not you
it's not you
it's definitely
not you

it's me

i used to write about being sad -
the things i know:
how my fingers constantly grasped for
metacarpals the never really
fit with in mine
and how only the fire
that i poured down my throat
made me utter the words,
"i love you".
now i struggle upon embracing
how the drowsy-eyed glances
turned into sacharine stares,
the whispers of "you could love me",
places on top of mountains,
and freckles that i can count;
every single one of them.
if they say,
"write about what you know",
then where do i even start
about all of the things i don't?

does it get any better than this?

probabaly  not.

everything is temporary
i think to myself momentarily
as i stand and watch the river's flow
like the blood
in my veins
but no longer yous
and i ask myself
"where do we go?"
but i sigh in relief
and smile to myself
because for you,
there is no more pain

i keep swimming
around the tiny puddle of you
in the backroads of my mind
my elbows barely fit and
you refuse to let that stop me,
i am submerged, heart-first
you are there
you are there
you are there and you make sure of it
you are not a lake,
you are not vast, you are not deep,
you do not even have a tide
but you are there
and my elbows fit (barely)

i like it when you look at me
except
i just don't think
you really look at me
maybe it's because  
i'm not the one you wanted to see
or maybe it's because
i'm looking for
an unspoken apology

i'm really happy
i swear i'm happy
i smile 'til my
face screams
and everyone asks,
"how are you, addie?"

i like it when you think about me
except
i just don't think
you really think about me
maybe it's  because
you don't even know me
or maybe it's because
you see right through me

i'm really okay
i swear i'm okay
i shrug my shoulders
and i sigh all day
and nobody ever asks
"are you sure you're okay?"

i have a
crooked mouth
with a
crooked smile

why don't
you come
and stay
with me
a while

because
i need
someone to
help figure
me out

because
i need
someone to
help sort
everything
out

someone tell me
whats so wrong with
wanting a memory
that we both remember

and someone tell me
what does it mean to
let go of something you've never had?

like,
someone just
*******
tell me
why am i feeling so sad?

im not asking for much
just a little reassurance
so that i feel like
i am enough

i just don't wanna fade away

one day i will be enough for you
i tell myself i know it's true

i just want to be the girl of your dreams
sometimes i say things i don't mean
i wanna become
unwrapped and undone
i wanna become
your heavenly daydream

one day i will be ready for you
i tell myself you know how i adore you

be more narrow:

smaller, tighter
"little-er"
more sinister.
be less abrasive,
more persuasive
quiet and

reserved for
vacancy of the
"less than".

the less than
the rest
that posses
a small amount
of acceptance

these vancant spaces
are open
just for you

is it bad i don't
remember your name
is it sad that i never felt the same
about you

oh you know it's true

please don't
act like you know me
you don't own me
you're just lonely

somewhere
out there
is where
i'll be
it's where
i'm free
to be me

somewhere
out there
is where you'll see
this is not a dream
is that what you need?

i'm not
going to tell you sorry
when nothing compares

and i don't care

what's dead is dead
and what is dead
**is you

i'm still bitter,
i watched it set fire in the
summer
and crumble in the
winter

i'm still sorry
i felt it softly spoken
from your bedroom
it rolled off your tounge
and then suddenly it turned
soggy

i'm still lost
i searched for you
in the night time
the morning light
couldn't save me
and you just couldn't
seem to get
your ******* point
across

and i never knew how much
i wanted love
and despised it
at the same time,
until
i met you

i'll probably end up  between
somewhere and nowhere
between the middle and the end
i'll probably just float away
and you'll all think I'm dead

mortality -
it's what means we are all
alive
mortality -
it's what means that we will all
die

i'll probably end up between
here and there
between the bottom and the top
i'll probably just fade away
and I just can't wait til it stops

i can tell you how i feel later
i know you only want to hear about
the happy stuff -
sugar-coated lies always taste better anyway

your seat was empty at the table today.

there's nothing wrong with a little inspiration
put the blindfold on
and you're off to your new destination
you close your eyes and feel the vibrations
when you're on your knees and need a little motivation
baby let me be it

there's nothing wrong with a little medication
they send you home with a bottle
and you try to escape the depression
when you're alone in bed and want the temptation -
baby let me be it

there's nothing wrong with a little obsession
turn the lights out and let me give you some affection
attention, attention,
all you need is some protection -
baby let me be it

i write the best
when i am sitting alone in my room
and thinking of you
i write best
when you are the footsteps
inside my head
traveling the spiralling staircase of my consciousness
and you are about to
jump
i write best
when i am spinning and marveling, and just sighing your name
into an empty room
i fill it up with your essense
i bottle you up
then i spit you out
through words on a piece of paper,
i evacuate every other thought in my head
and i,
breathe you in
i write best when i am alone in my room
and
i feel best when i am alone in my room
with you

i would write about you
but i don't want to share you
i would say:
"our lips were carved perfectly for one another's to fit"
(and more ******* like that)
i would say:
"my heart feels like a shaken up bottle of coke every time you look at me
and when you press your mouth against the can, i explode
i would say:
"my name sounds like music when it dances on your tounge"
i would say:
"isn't it funny that all of this -
and i still can't love you?"

"misery loves company"*
then why do i feel
so alone?

i'm taking it more gracefully this time,
i'm learning to love
in ways that make you mine

i'm taking it more softly this time,
i'm leaving all of my
hard parts behind

i'm taking it more graciously this time,
i'm finding ways to thank you
for all of your time

your limbs will break
faster than the construct
of reality if you can
just hold me for the rest
of this
song

i'm sorry i thought
that you could be this
strong

maybe it's the
distance between
our fingers -

or maybe
it's the distance between
each day

i just remember singing along
like i knew all of the words

your eyes are melting
like the polar ice caps
and I am swimming in your sea
there is nowhere I'd rather be
than watching television
while you sleep

I'm tracing the lines
of your smile
I'm watching your
chest fall and rise
for a little while

but I'm hardly
holding a grudge
and I'm not trying to be
something that you'll
just get tired of

it's just that
I love you so much
and sometimes
I don't think that it's
enough

where were you when
you were not level headed
and the city seemed to turn to dust
where were  you when
you were drowsie eyed,
and the air was too dry to breathe
while
earthquakes
erupted  from your palms
and you shoved me in the back of  the  "junk drawer" in your mind for "future safe-keeping"
and the city so full of love
came tumbling down
and so did the drawer...
where were you when
my heart
was
in
ruins
?

THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT ME COULD MAKE A NEW BORN CHILD SWOON

2. THE THE FRECKLES ON YOUR NOSE WERE LIKE TINY STRAWBERRY SEEDS

3. THE CURLS FELL PERFECTLY ACROSS YOUR OCEAN EYES LIKE THE CONTINENTAL DRIFT

4. WHEN YOU SPOKE, WHAT LEFT YOUR MOUTH TRANSCENDED FROM YOUR HEART

5. THE WORLD REVOLVED AROUND YOU

6. TOMORROW IS TUESDAY

7.  THAT THE SKELETONS IN MY CLOSET ALL LEAD BACK TO YOURS

8. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I AM HUMBLED TO HAVE KNOWN YOU (at least, i wish)

9. YOU WERE JUST ANOTHER LESSON I LEARNED THE HARD WAY

10. *******

i just want some pizza
a thick crust,
nothing much..
something i can
really dig my teeth
into

but i know,
i shouldn't
and probably
wouldn't...
want to punish myself
i just feel compelled

i will just stay in
and eat a salad
instead

ummmmm
like????
what do people even
do when they've got
their lives together???

like???
what is it like
to not always feel
under the weather???

i slept for like twenty hours today
that's one less hour
than my age

everyone i talk to about this
says it's "Just A Stage"

well i don't know about that...
honestly i don't really know
anything

i just want to feel


something

it's ok

let's lay down for a few minutes and
take the clouds out of the sky

they never looked that good there in the first place
i don't think it matters anyway

all we need is blue
like your eyes
like the sky
i can't lie

give me the shapes
and i'll make
the best *******
masterpiece you've ever seen

just because you said "please"

oh and you can forget about trees
let's lay down for a few minutes
and rip them out of the ground

what's left by the time i'm done
is just you and me

ok
this is the part
where i say
"i am mismatched
like a pair of socks"

ok
this is the part
where you say
"that's ok,
i never wore matching socks
anyway."

i've been buzzing around
like a little bee
up and down
all jittery

she says it doesn't take much
to fit in here
and then adds,
as long as you're willing to smile

at least for a while

i nod my head
and then i nod around
this is the sea of pretending
and it's pretty much
never ending

it doesn't take much to to fit in here

the same song
playing over
and over
again
repeated
repeated
repeated
repeatedly
swingin in
singing in
softly
immediately
discretely
sweetly
it crawls
it creeps
it falls
into your abyss
does it even
exist

i am not the sun
i am not a son
i am tired of trying
to be someone

are you tired?

are you tired?


my eyes are always closed
the sky
is always dark

i know you
never miss me
the most

there are no more stars in the sky

i almost called you today
but i didn't
i guess the moon never had much to say anyway

void diver
truck driver
apple cider
drunk driver
fibromyalgia
pirates in somalia
mitochondria
is the powerhouse of the cell

back when we were
in love,
and i was seventeen -
my hair was short
and i liked the way
you embraced my silence
i told you not to be fooled -
inside this head
blares a million sirens

back when we were
in love,
and i was eighteen -
my hair was long
and i liked the way
your breaths were delayed
i told you not to be scared -
there were so many times
where i don't know why you stayed

back when we were
in love,
and i was nineteen -
my hair was short (again)
and i liked the way
you softened the blows
you told me not to take you for granted -
but here i am
alone and empty-handed

slow motion and we're walking in the sand
it sounds stupid but its not
every little sound that's comin from your mouth
goes right through my ears
right through my fingertips
right to the smile on my lips

i wanna smell like
cigarettes
i wanna smell like
gloom
i wanna smell like
cigarettes
i wanna smell like you

i don't wanna be a little girl
i wanna be unseen
i  don't wanna be in between
i just wanna be your dream

something tells me
not to do it
when your eye are in my view
so instead just watch me pass
right on
through

when i'm alone in this room
it feels like i'm not
i'm still trying to pretend
that i am something i am not

but i'm not

there are so many friends inside here
i like them so much
i don't know why they
all seem to disappear

somewhere behind that
old abandoned building
there's another girl singing

and she's still spinning

geometry is hard to do

1+2= i like you

let's go read a book, instead

i feel like there must be something more than
just this

when you're young you never realize
how much of it you miss

sometimes i feel like i'm lost in an abyss.

that is stupid.
and i know.

i just don't know where i'm supposed to go

close your eyes and tell me how it feels
it's okay
i feel it too
but that's how you know it's real

something tells me that the sky doesn't just let those clouds move so fast like that for any good reason
i want the wind to ******* into next week, too
next month - maybe
next year
next life?
something tells me the birds don't just sing for the hell of it
there's gotta be someone out there listening for something they just can't hear
something tells me she's leaving town for good this time

can we just slow down for one minute?

there isn't much left to be grateful for
i think that the sun sets just to leave
i'm sorry she has to wake up again

great point!
i just wished i could have figured it out myself....
you're such a smart man!
such a strong man!
what a MAN

it's so amazing
it's so entertaining
to be a little doll for you
take care of me!!!
just know i don't come for free

i'm just saying
you simply can't live without me

oh sweet babies,
so young and naive.
can you see the destruction?

water bottles and
screws, rusting with the
damaged and rotten

your childhood pictures in the mud,
sprawled out with memories
now they lay with the dead
and forgotten

oh sweet babies,
so tired and sweet.
climbing on tree bark
and playing in the
dark.

oh sweet babies
don't look anywhere else

hot iron,
wax, melting
inside my mouth.
tongue tastes like
a microscope. dry like
a wasteland inside my mind.

twelve o'clock
strikes at the stroke
of one, one o'clock
at the strike of two.

the train has already left.
unless it hasn't. time
doesn't move in silence.
it moves according to
the way of the cosmos.

In 1948 I was twelve years old and I thought I wanted to be  
alone.

In 1948 I was sick.
At least that is what my mother told me.
She said I saw things that weren’t there.  
Like the sun in the bathroom  
at midnight. She said my little friends
in the feathered grass weren’t real.

In 1948, I think I was infected.
Sometimes I dreamed about things
I know I shouldn’t. I’m not allowed  
to talk about it. If I could, I would run away
out West. There are cornfields there. And nothing.
I think I want a whole lot of  
nothing. And corn.

In 1948 I spent the summer
In Maine with my mom
and stepfather.
I was alone most of the time
in the field. My house in the distance
spun in circles, and I dreamed  
about not being in Maine with my mom  
and stepfather.

In 1948 I was right.
Everything is real. I still have to keep my eyes open  
when I fall asleep because I know the bookshelf
Talks to me at night, the stairs  
always spiral in and out of view,  
and my friends in the grass were real.
They still speak to me  
inside my head.  

In 1948, I was twelve.  
All I wanted was to be alone.

i traced the outline of the
bug bites on my knees,
while your insecurities
floated by in my memories.

it was about 100 degrees.
humid air hanging on our skin,
so freshly destroyed and
rotting out like
some kind of disease.

i traced the outline of the
stars in the sky,
tried to figure out which way
the sun would rise.
i never knew much about astronomy,
but enough to know you never
deserved an apology.