When the topic of conversation in class was about finding meaning in life
I struggled to find a reasoning behind why
I choose to keep fighting
the same **** voice that keeps on illuminating
the parts of my heart that don't need extra lighting
For reasons of staying safe
secure enough to keep from igniting
any other demons that make joy seem uninviting

My heart is tired of trying
to heal

My feelings boil over
like a *** of forgotten water
forcing me to clean up a mess that I did not ask for
I am tired
But still refuse to be fired from life itself

Why do I keep fighting
If my life is not something I admire

I have sisters who wage wars on their bodies too
trying to reach a place where they feel like they are somebody to some body
and not a disease
that strips them of all they were created to be
We are tired

Yet I ride waves of urges so familiar to the ocean of darkness that my heart rages
because I just want to feel free
because my future family and clients need me
because honesty is the key to living authentically
And if I'm being honest then I'm able to see
past the reality
that is my eating disorder

I desire more
which means that I am more
as my worth does not come from being the best me for others
but rather it comes from a deep understanding
that my life is my own and not my own
equally

Realizing that my hands are strong enough
are big enough to hold
even the pieces of my soul
that fail to fit the mold
of what is normal

But why can't normal have permission to be broken
Instead of whole

You say let's try, let's make a new
Say all the things that make me into you,
I fall again, head over heels in haste
Open my heart but the pain makes waste,

You say bye guy, just not that into you
A million times guys are better than you,
Re open the wound, I fought so to close
Lined up pieces and your knocking down rows,

You say no more try's , this is final goodbyes
Again head I hang while I'm drowning my eyes
No more kiss, no more hug, no hope no die
Because yes love you want, just not with this guy.....

the fire you built
to keep us warm
is burning me to death.

Two broken souls connected
Two broken hearts affected
One circle of trust constructed
One fire within burning

One sign of unison
One will of Fire
One lash of hatred
One strong desire

One Final fight
One final valley
One final moment
One realization of destiny

Waking up next to you, alone
Your fingers dance inside my soul
Digging a hole,
Deeper than this goes.
You wade in shallow feelings,
Can you see me slowly sinking?
Fading with the waning sun
As the sky's color slowly runs
Like blood, spilling onto my reflection.
Find the flaws inside perfection,
I'm happy inside our
Lonely rejection.
Your kisses take me to heaven,
They're so cruel and so cold
I feel like I'm dead.

Waking up next to you, alone
Please don't go,
Please don't go...
Let us lay inside this hole.

-SLuR

And the bravest he felt,
When she smiled at him,
Giving him the simplest pleasure,
Which could rival with the God's garden of Eden alone

Bright eyes turn dull,
wide smiles become
pursed lips and frowns.
The hands which used to
send jolts of electricity through me
become brushes of strangers
in crowded streets.

My heart no longer aches for you,
nor do your eyes consume my thoughts -
No, not like before.

You point out the elephant in the room,
I nod and agree that it's time to go.
It was a good few months.
Maybe it was too rushed
or at the wrong time,
maybe it was someone else.
But nothing was the same anymore.