I’m lost in my own mind
Looking for a way out;
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U
D
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          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
It’s a dead end;
I keep running into WALLS
Made of stone and brick…
Layer upon layer;
Stack upon stack…
I see the top getting closer…
Closer…
Closer…
But I haven’t reached it yet…
When will it end?
Will I see the light?
Tomorrow is a new beginning
Maybe that’ll finally be the day I escape…
A new dawn starts…
…
…
…
I’m still looking for a way out:
       p
U
D
     o
          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
Reaching the end
Running into WALLS
It’s started again…
When will this the end?

How long does it take for you
To notice what is happening
Right in front of your face?

How long before you
Can turn to somebody and ask
Are you okay?

How long does it take
Before you realize
That somebody doesn’t want to talk?

How long
Do you want to pretend
That we are friends?

It’s all fine
But not really
I just want to know
How long?

I dream about you in my sleep
I clutch your hand holding mine,
As your arms wrap me in a tight embrace.

I dream about you in my sleep
I hear your whispered words in my ear
As your lips lay kisses across my cheek.

I dream about you in my sleep
I feel safe in your presence
As you stand by my side.

I dream about you in my sleep
But when I wake I can’t see your face
As I realize a dream was all it was.

I dream about you in my sleep
But when I wake I remember you were a faceless entity
An imaginary lover of a long forgotten time

everyday i die a little inside
everyday i put a smile on my face
waiting for the chance when i don't have to pretend.

that chance is that special day
once a month, or one in three weeks
that day specially marked for you.

this is the day when i can just let everything loose.
the day when i NEVER have to pretend
because i'm with my best friend.

everything is bottled up inside me
waiting
waiting.

it explodes the day before
when you say you can't come.
when i realize that i can't take this mask off.

i just need someone to trust
but there's nobody
just you and only you.
my best friend in the entire world.

i miss you
i need you
can't you just listen?

Did you even think about the consequences?
Did you even think that I would care?
Did you think that you would hurt me?
Because you did hurt me.
Now we're not friends.

Did you even think about my feelings?
Did you even think that we might not speak again?
Did you think I'd stay?
After all that you did,
You thought I would still stay.

Did you even think about caring?
Did you even think that I might believe you?
Did you think I'd come crawling back?
I don't want to speak to you again.
There is too much pain.

This is all because
You lied.
All because you said you cared
When really it was all just a dare.

As I sit here waiting for you
Thoughts run through my head.
What will you say?
What words will come out of my mouth?
What if you don't say what I want to here?
Will I have the courage to leave?
Will I be able to move on?
But what if you say what I've been wanting to hear?
What then?

The nerves are stopping my heart
Anxiety is creeping in.
I don't know what to say to you
I don't know what to do!
This conversation is a must
I can't go on
Not knowing what will become of us.
Are we even an us?
Will there ever be an us?
This flirting and talking
Is bringing out my insecurities.
Its bringing out all my doubts,
My issues with trust.

Please tell me all is okay
Please tell me what I need to hear,
Don't let me hang
Or sit around waiting,
Just waiting.
I can't go on
If we don't figure this out.

As I sit here waiting
Doubts and anxiety creep in
My insecurities are showing.

Talking with each other
About the randomness of the day.
Going from topic to topic;
Conversation is easy.
Being with my friends
Everything feels right.
When you walk through the door
My heart flutters at the sight of you.
Ignoring their reactions
All I see is you.

Laughing and joking
Our tendencies to show how much we care
Slip by others who don’t understand.
Light shines through the darkest abyss
Bringing happiness and joy.
You sit beside me
Letting me hold you as we watch videos.
One wrong thing
Changes everything between us all.

Curling into a ball
Leaving the world behind.
Hurt and despair take over
Nothing else breaks through.
All you had to do was sit there
Right beside me.
Instead all you did was focus your hate;
Directing it towards him.
Tension built making every movement uncomfortable.
Why should I be uncomfortable around you?
Why should I be uncomfortable in my own room?

Tears fall down my face
As you are consumed with your hatred.
You don’t acknowledge that here I sit.
You can’t show emotion
Not while he is here.
He makes everything seem unnatural.
Why are you so focused on him?
Why can’t you lay here beside me
As we always do?

Now I’m pleading.
Please stay here with me.
Please pay attention to me!
You didn’t come over to see him!
You came for me!
I didn’t know he was going to be here.
For once, can’t you just try to be nice?
At least for my sake?
I don’t care if you like him or not
All I want is to lay beside you
With your arm as my pillow
As I run my fingers through your hair.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
I no longer think and think of the two guys I thought I loved.
I no longer wonder
About what they are doing or if they've moved on.
I no longer wonder if they think of me.
They don't occupy all the space in my mind
Consuming my thoughts throughout the day and night.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
I no longer compare the things that they did;
They're actions and they're words.
I don't wonder about how they're feeling.
Worry no longer consumes me.
I no longer think of all the time we spent together.
No longer do I compare you three.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
I no longer fear being left behind and forgotten.
You treat me with respect;
Rather than like they did.
Your actions speaking for you;
Showing me you care.
I no longer worry about giving out my heart.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
Your kisses cancel out his.
Your actions so caring and kind, unlike his.
Your words, gentle and sweet, erase what he said;
Showing me how much you truly care.
I no longer think about them, all because of you.
I no longer think of you and them being similar.

Thanks to you
I've finally moved on.
Thanks to you
I no longer want to be alone.
Thanks to you
I'm able to pull away from the darkness.
Thanks to you
I feel cared for once more.
Thanks to you
*I'm finally happy again.

An eternal abyss beneath your feet
It’s maw opening wider and wider
As you grow smaller and smaller
While piece by piece
You grow smaller and smaller
As you die inside
Little by little

I know that I say I don’t care.
That I don’t feel the pain.
That life is unfair,
Love, friends, pain,
It all goes away.

But if people would just listen
And hear the words that I’m saying
Or just read between the lines.
They may finally realize
That I can’t stay invisible forever.

I guess I was just a toy.
Just something for you to use,
for this, for that
Maybe a little bit of everything.

Why did you wait,
before you ripped it all out.
Why did I have to believe
every word you said.

You used me
You didn't really care about me.
I fell for your little trap
and gave you everything I had.

Just remember
That I was the faithful one.
I was the one that checked on you
I was the one that put on a new face for you.

I was always there for you
Even when you weren’t there for me.
I was the faithful one.
I waited for you, time and time again.

You left me alone with just my thoughts.
I guess I wasn’t worth ten minutes
Of your time.
Even though I was the faithful one.

I took your ****.
Over and over again.
I checked on you
Even when you didn’t want me to.

I was the faithful one
Who waited for her best friend
And took all the **** she was given
By her best friend.

I guess you didn’t give a ****
As I waited for you
Like a faithful friend.
But you never showed your face.
You never showed your face.

Your words like honey
Drip slowly from your mouth;
Sweet and delicious.

Your hand touching mine
Holding me like a flower;
Gentle and delicate.

Your actions like words
Telling me who you really are;
Caring and kind.

Your breath like wind
Blowing around me;
Swirling and cool.

Your touch like chocolate
Drawing me in;
Addicting and intoxicating.

Your smile like a rainbow
Spreading across your face;
Wide and reassuring.

Your embrace like a blanket
Encompassing the loneliness;
Comforting and safe.

These are the things I fall for
Over and over again
As you lay here beside me.

I know that we are just friends
But when you walk into the room,
A smile creeps across my face.
It comes from nowhere
And it won't leave;
Not until you're gone.

When you sit down next to me,
My heart starts to pound;
How can you not hear it?

Our talks end up blocking others out;
We enter a world, a world all our own.
We talk about everything and nothing
All at the same time.

But most of all
What I must confess
Is this:

Every time we touch;
An accident,
A tap on the shoulder,
A brush on the leg,
A brush of the arm,
Or the hand,
A squeeze of the hand,
Or a tap on the leg,
To say hello
Or even goodbye,
My heart beats as fast as a train;
My hands become all clammy;
Words take a while to form;
Butterflies fill my stomach,
Churning my innards.
How, I wonder,
How can you not see?
Isn't it written across my face?!

I know we're just friends,
But I wish we were so much more.

A midnight flower dances in the moonlight;

An owl soars through starlit clouds;

Glistening dewdrops sparkle in the shadows;

Crickets chirp amongst the stillness;

The wind howls through the darkness;

Crinkle of paper as the insomniac turns the pages;

The only sounds which stir in the night.

I want to hear your voice
Chime through my ears once more.
Not just the echo
Ringing through my mind.

You make me happy,
You make me smile,
You make me glow,
For more than just a while!

You said yes,
You said yes!
Oh how happy I was
To hear that one simple word.
Oh, you said yes!

When I get there
We don't speak,
But all I think of,
Is how you said yes.

Now it is time
And we haven't even spoken.
You did say "yes"
Did you not?

Where are you now,
For you said yes.
Wait!
What did you say?

You said yes,
Now you say no.
Is this some kind of test?
Or are you just playing with my mind.

You said yes,
Oh how you said yes.
Now you say no.
Now you say....

It's been two years
But still the thoughts run through my mind
Never the whole thing
But bits and pieces
Here and there.

I've repressed the memory of you.
The feel of you against me.
The way you talked to me.
The sound of your voice.
The things we talked about.

I push away from the thoughts
Of what happened that night.
I can see clearly what happened in the end.
But everything from the beginning is gone.
I've pushed you out
From the darkest recesses of my mind.

I don't want to remember
How you treated me.
What you tried to force me to do.
You coaxing didn't work
So you tried being obvious.
That didn't work either.
Finally you tried by force.
By the mercy of my guardian angel
I was stronger than you and pushed you away.

Not only have I repressed
The memory of you
And all that happened that night,
I no longer remember your name.
I can't even recall the way you look.
I thank my angel every night
For watching over me
And slowly drawing you
Completely from my mind

I don't like this feeling
Of not knowing what to say to you.
I used to be so confident
But our words unspoken
Linger between us.

I don't know how to talk to you
Maybe I should just write instead.
My words have always come out better
When they've been written down
Instead of spoken.

I don't know what you'll think
If I handed you my stack of words
All written about you.
I want to do it;
Have you read them
You said that you wanted to.

I don't think I have the courage to do so
But I have a feeling that I should.
Please tell me you'll actually read them
Please tell me you won't stop
Not until you reach the end.