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May 2018 · 120
Untitled
i'm the outcast
the one that never fits in
can't ever find friendships that last
not even sure where to begin
i want to be a part of something
i want to feel like my existence matters
but i'm just a puppet on my own lonely string
forced to listen to everyone else's chatter
i have talent, i have worth
but i feel like i'm the only one who sees it
why, why was i even put on this earth
if i'm always meant to be the misfit?
when others are around i become invisible to you
not even you attempt to include me in things that you do
if not even you will include me, then who?
am i just meant to sit on the sidelines, feeling blue?
i want to be a part of a group
that encourages me to be creative and free
but i'm the only one in this coop
and i guess that's just how it's meant to be
Apr 2018 · 189
Untitled
i love you, i love you
so i don't know what to do
i'm panicking and scared
for this, i wasn't prepared
you want me gone, it seems
i never expected this in my wildest dreams
i thought our love was stronger than this
but maybe i just didn't realize what was amiss
the way you look at me says you love me
but the way you act doesn't seem to agree
what did i do to cause this divide?
or did it form because of you and your endless pride?
do you really want me to leave forever?
do you want a two year love to truly sever?
i can hear my heart breaking, tearing at the seams
nothing could hurt more, not even my nastiest dreams
please don't tell me you want me to leave
or you and our love, i will forever greave
i am heartbroken
Apr 2018 · 96
Untitled
speeding toward the freeway on a vacant on ramp
my eyes are fixated on the stretch of road ahead
you sit in the passenger's seat,
quietly staring out of your window
the air between us is tense, almost angry
and i speed past cars to vent my frustrations
why can't things in life just be simple?
why must everything have some kind of obstacle?
i remember when us lying together is all we'd ever need
now it feels like we're miles apart when we lay in bed
i don't know what i did or what i said
and trying to figure it out makes my mind bleed
if i had it my way, i'd run away from here
i don't know who i am or what i'm meant to be
i thought you were my perfect puzzle piece
the one that kept me smiling in moments of chaos
all my anxiety, fear, depression
you always looked past it because you loved me
but where has the love gone? can it be?
do you wish i would just disappear?
i want to ride the highway all the way to pugent sound
never come back to this hallowed ground
this place and it's scenery has made me empty
and i realize it has nothing left to offer me
if you leave me, this place holds nothing to bind me
but then again, if you're gone, i don't even want to be me
i never wanted to picture my life without you in it
but i guess all good things eventually end
humanity doesn't usually have many happy endings
it usually ends in death, heartbreak, or broken dreams
i didn't want to be a victim of the american dream
i just wanted to love and be loved in return
Mar 2018 · 89
grace
i want to be beautiful
like the most radiant light you've ever seen
i want to be dutiful
to be purposeful and strong like a queen
i want you to look at me
like i put the stars in the sky
i just want to be
the apple of your eye
i want to feel like a goddess someday
so valiant, ready to empower
i want all my insecurities to decay
so my confidence can begin to flower
i want your fingers to grace me
like i'm the rarest thing you've ever felt
i want to train to be
a force of nature, but still be soft and svelte
i want to be everything you deserve
so you can love me fiercely like the sunshine
until the end of the earth, this i will preserve
and like an angel, one day i will be divine
Mar 2018 · 89
Untitled
i run away from a fight like prey running from its hunter
i sit in my car, and wonder where i should go
to feel this lonely, it's a feeling i never wanted to know
but i put my car in drive and speed off anyway
i hit the freeway, to a sea of tail lights and darkness
not knowing where i'll end up
no place feels like home,
i don't feel like i belong anywhere, anymore
i just want a place where i can feel safe
a place i feel warm, a place i feel loved
i don't want to feel like my mind is a prison anymore
i don't want to feel like everyone is my competition anymore
i just want to be me
but lately, me feels just so ordinary
like anyone's company would be much better than my own
i listen to the same music,
play the same games,
a plain jane on the outside
i feel like i have nothing to offer the world around me
every time i think i'm doing better
my brain talks me out of it and i'm hanging by a thread again
i just want it all to stop hurting
i just want to be loved unconditionally
without fear someone will see my flaws and plain-ness
and run away without looking back
Mar 2018 · 222
insomnia
twilight
the stars send shards of light into my room
i squint my eyes and look at the clock
almost dawn again
i toss and turn hoping the sandman will find me
before the sun rises and burns him up
restlessness
has always been a friend of mine
never enough rest to cleanse my fatigue
never enough moonlight to sing me to sleep
the bags under my eyes start to resemble a purple sunset sky
as my eyes continuously see the sun rise
my body, my vessel, what carries me through life
seems so worn down, so deprived of vitality
oh, la luna
why does it seem that i can never get enough rest under your guise?
my brain causes a racket, and before my eyes, the sun is taking your place
and i'm forced to leave my bed with a feeling of despair and exhaustion
i long to drift away in the early stages of dusk
to float elsewhere on the riptide of my dreams
i crave the idea of being a bright eyed girl
that gets enough sleep and has so much more to offer
but alas, slumber is truly so good at avoiding me
and my mind keeps me up, talking to the moon
we've become great friends, but i'd really like to find the sandman
and become better friends with my dreams, and the feeling of tranquillity
Feb 2018 · 104
Untitled
you say you love me
that you understand and support me
but i can't say that i agree
not based on what i see
you're not self-aware
you don't see how what you do hurts me
my self-esteem falls so long does my hair
your actions don't match you words, you see
you tell me you love me while you look away
you hold me close but it feels like you're in outer space
my confidence plummets as i fill with dismay
and i don't feel like i belong in this place
your hands don't touch me like they used to
you look bored when i try to light the spark in you
i'm at a loss and don't know what to do
as my heart slowly fades to blue
how can i feel confident when it doesn't feel like you want me?
i feel like a fool anytime i vie for your attention
this isn't how i want this to be
my heart feels like it's hanging in suspension
if you love me, why do you feel so far removed?
i'm trying my best just for you
i reach for you but you seem unmoved
how do i fix it all, i wish i knew
Jan 2018 · 89
Untitled
**** baby, i'd like you all over me
your fingertips are the match, my skin's the box
no one needs to know, no one needs to see
what we do, it's anything but orthodox
the thunder cracks and my hands shake
only you could make me feel this way
without your touch, my body will just ache
i want you passionately until we both melt away
that look in your eyes, it says more than enough
we're playing with fire but i live for the thrill
i'm better than you imagined, i called your bluff
you've cured all of my sickness, a miracle pill
the chemistry is explosive between you and i
you can't deny it, nor can you try
with our bodies like this, you got me so high
your eyes engulfing me, your hands on my thighs
i want you like this until we see the light of dawn
your skin on my skin, a livewire
we're two sinners, and together we get on
and i knew only you could light my fire
Jan 2018 · 92
Untitled
my once sunny sky
is now ominous black
now no one sees me cry
no one saw me crack
the sunshine made me grow
optimism was in my blood
now this air of sadness is all i know
engulfing me like a flash flood
the people around me think i'm crazy
and maybe i am just that
nowadays my life just looks hazy
half the time i don't know where i'm at
losing my grip on that sane feeling
spiraling, it's like i'm losing everything
where's my sense of safety, of healing?
how much more pain can three weeks bring?
there's a boy that loves me more than i deserve
will life dare to take him away from me, too?
as the days pass, i slowly lose my nerve
just a broken girl, with no clue what to do
i once was chasing the sun above me
and now i'm drowning in the rain
the fog surrounds me so i can't see
so much anxiety, so much disdain
where's the sun, where has it gone?
what did i do to deserve such darkness?
with cloud cover like this, it'll never again be dawn
my world, once glistening, just reeks with starkness.
rays of sunshine illuminate my face
highlighting all the imperfections i cannot erase
your sleepy eyes open and you pull me close
and in these moments, i swear i feel that time froze

your touch so soft, heart so light
for a while, everything just feels alright
i try to hide the smile creeping across my lips
when your fingertips tickle the skin around my hips

happiness and sunlight look so **** good on you
you're infecting my heart, what can i do?
your hair's in your face, you look so at ease
and my worries just float away in the breeze
the light of the morning sun hits you at all the right angles
our legs and fingers in all sorts of tangles
i'd never want this moment with anyone else
i lose my cool, and my heart starts to melt

concert hall lights; orange blue and red
filling my heart with love instead of usual dread
you sway and lose yourself to the beat
standing there with you, i felt complete

the music vibrated through us as you kept me close
your happiness radiating at the live shows
you wrap your arms around me in madison on a friday
singing and laughing the whole night away

happiness and spotlights look so **** good on you
you've infected my heart, nothing i can do
your hair's all over the place, my smile's so sweet
my worries melt away as we feel the beat
the lights shining on us, highlighting all of your beauty
preserving your heart, i willingly stand guard duty
i never want these moments with anyone else,
i lose my cool, and my heart just melts

you hold my heart when you hold my hand
i'm scared, this is not what i had planned
but for me, a light always surrounds you
even in the dark, you shine no matter what you do

happiness just looks so **** good on you
you're not an infection, and loving you is what i'll do
your hair always looks nice, even in a mess
and no longer shall i fight it, i failed my own test
Jun 2017 · 214
the masochistic limerence
you're my worst nightmare
and my greatest daydream
one moment i'm floating on a cloud
the next i'm trapped in the pits of hell
feelings are a curse; having them willingly i wouldn't dare
cracking and unraveling at the seams
trying to hide my shame among the crowd
but you know me, i love the pain, i know it so well

throw rocks at me until i bleed
nail me to the cross and light me on fire
pour the gasoline over what's left of me
give me something i can feel
take all of my heart, show me your greed
step back, watch me die, please admire
a melted corpse, maybe that's what i'm meant to be
my pain and suffering i no longer can control

rake your nails across my skin
show me how it feels to truly sin
grab my throat and don't you dare let go
so that my mouth can no longer create audio
run me into the ground like i so badly deserve
cut me into pieces, smoothing every curve
rip my spine from my back
watch me die, for the rats, i become a snack
all i want is to feel something,
and your brutality, i've been worshipping
all i want is to feel nothing at all
let me hit the cement hard, and don't you catch me when i fall
May 2017 · 129
Untitled
cyclones have been raging in my soul for a hundred nights
rendering my head and heart unresponsive.
the turbulence of this is almost too much to bear
i don't want to live like this anymore

this uncertainty and chaos is causing me to pick all the wrong fights
making those around me close to irresponsive.
these storms under my skin, they just rip and tear
it's me verses me, an all out anatomical war.

i can't remember the last time i've seen the sun
or the last time that the wind stood still.
all i can remember is chaos and atrophy
running wild through my own veins.

just when i think it's subsiding, it's never truly done
it destroys my sanity, murders my will.
every nerve in my body becomes a casualty,
and i become wrapped tightly in invisible chains.

i can hear myself screaming, but no one else can
the water is drowning me, i can't make a sound.
no one knows, but does anyone really care?
we never really know until we're no longer here.

has it ended before it even began?
i'd only just begun to fly before i hit the ground.
i'm no angel, with no wings i have no prayer
to think i could fly away and persevere.
May 2017 · 123
Untitled
two lights shining in the midst of twilight
sparkling among the stars above
buzzing in beautiful harmony
illuminating a little of the night sky

eventually, one light started to flicker
slowly but surely, it was losing its shine
but the other light was still just as bright
uncertainty brews in the darkest of nights

the flickering light tried with all its might
to keep itself alive with hope and love
but it burned too bright and too carelessly
and now, it must slowly die

i saw it, but i should've seen it quicker
nothing was alright, nothing was fine
i couldn't keep from burning out in the brooding dark of night
and now it's time for my last rites.

when you burn too brightly, or too passionately
you end up burning yourself
we think we forget how to feel
until we hurt ourselves
we think we go through life adequately,
just throwing our problems on a shelf
but we can't run from what is real,
so people just run from themselves

we smile, we laugh,
we tell people we're doing well when we're asked
but inside we know the darkness that stirs
inside we know the hatred that burns
and it eats at our very souls.
i was blinded on my own behalf
from running so fast from my past
when you keep getting high, it all just blurs
we forget to remember the world always turns
and we humans just play our roles.

it flickered and flickered until it finally succumbed to its fate
and the night just grew darker still
how will the other light hold up,
now that it's faced to fight alone?

for no one, will the world ever stop and wait
to live, you must be killed or ****.
one day, we'll all just blowup
and then there will be no more light to hone.
Apr 2017 · 120
Untitled
how many times do i have to get high
before my elevated mind will finally realize
you're not coming home, you're not coming back
whilst my heart slowly fades to black?

how many times do i have to think of you
before i realize you likely do too?
you'll never admit it, you'll never tell
but you and i, well, we both fell

when you walked out that door, i almost laughed a little
but deep down, i felt my stature shake
we all think it's fun and games until our hearts get stolen,
we all think it's fun and games until our brains get swollen.

i don't think you ever realized the gravity of this
my heart was ready to give you all of it
you run and you run and you run so far
and i always thought it bizarre
how far can you go until you hit the end of the world
and you realize that there's no one there but you?
such a lonely existence, best friends with the void in your heart
just because you were afraid to give anyone in your life a part
and it's sad, it's pathetic, it's moronic, but it's true
my sorry self would still give it all to you
nail me to the bedpost and set me on fire,
take some steps back, don't forget to admire

we run from each other like we're cops and robbers
i've got the gun, and you've got my heart
as much as i want to give chase, i can't bring myself to find you
and besides, you're best at running and hiding, it's what you do.

love for people like us is just so scary
when it's right in front of us, we aim to ****
we don't need anyone to us feel more misery than we do,
but my magic touch alleviated it all, and you know it too.

i don't think you ever realized the gravity of this
my heart was ready to give you all of it
you scream and you scream and you scream so loud
but only i could ever hear you over the crowd
how long can you scream until your lungs give out
and you realize the only voice you had is gone?
i was the only one who ever heard your desperate cries
and came running whenever a piece of you dies.
my sorry self would still come running to you,
throw me on a bed of knives and seal the deal,
pain is the only emotion we ever allow ourselves to feel.

eventually you find that you can run as far as you'd like,
scream as loudly as you see fit,
but you always find your way back to me...
and realize only i can hear your screams.

i know you from the inside out, your mind full of landmines
but i do it all willingly, i'd never change this
my ears are always open, no matter how faint the scream
you are, and always have been my dream.
Nov 2016 · 610
fierce and fearless
she sticks her toes in quicksand like she's not afraid to fall
she puts her hand in the fire like she's not afraid to burn.
they can beat her down, but she will always get up-- she stands tall
and she doesn't need your pity, nor does she crave your concern.
she skips across highways like she's not afraid of impact
she jumps into the deep end like she's not afraid to drown.
she can break through it all, even when the odds are stacked
and never will you see her lips in a frown.
she says what comes to mind like she's not afraid of reaction
she does what she pleases like she's not afraid of criticism.
her mind and her mind alone is her only attraction
her heart radiates light, it glows like a prism.
she walks alone at night like she's not afraid of the dark,
she faces the ocean like she's not afraid of the tide.
in her heart, she will always have a spark
it will never die out, as she casts her every fear aside.
you cannot dim her light, you can only let her shine
and by doing so, you'll realize she makes your heart grow.
she'll take your hurt, lift it away- and once again, you'll be fine
she will hold your soul whenever you feel low.
you can't crack or bend the girl, she will only just adapt
she will conform to the mold of any situation you throw at her.
she is purity, she is grace-- never one to be inapt
she is a force to be reckoned with, a hurricane about to stir.
Nov 2016 · 209
cleanse, cure, contentment
your deep blue eyes are so mystical, so beautiful, so bright;
but they hide so much hurt, and i want to help heal you.
you go through so much, how can i begin to try to tell you that it's alright?
especially when the fall has crumbled everything you once knew?

you tell me i'm strong, but you are stronger
i don't know how you endure the weight you unfairly carry.
when we're together, i wish the moments were longer
i want to lighten your mind, make the thoughts less scary.

every time i get close to you confiding in me,
you box yourself up, and hide deep inside your mind.
but i just want you to understand, i want you to see
that you and i are cohesive, perfectly aligned.

you are perfect to me, just the way you are.
i would never change one thing about you.
young or old, bad or good,  near or far-
i'll always be by your side, i won't leave no matter what you do.

our minds, they are a toxic place.
we look inside them for insight, but usually just get trapped.
but, when i look at you, and you touch my face
i save you, and you save me, from being kidnapped.

we've both been through so much,
and we have grown, we've adapted, we're stronger now.
when we come together and our hands touch,
i realize that we've endured so much, somehow.

we build each other up, together, our chemicals react.
we envelop each other, and for a while, we forget.
in each other's worlds, we've made such an impact
and i, am forever in your debt.

i'm so sorry, for everything that i've done.
i've been a coward, i've been afraid, i didn't do the right thing.
but in the end, i overcame myself, and i can see the sun.
now i will help you create your upswing.

mark my words, i will never abandon you.
you've had enough of that for one lifetime.
there's not one thing you could do
to make me run. i'll be here, anytime.

take my hand, and we will grow and heal together
life is so unkind, but true compassion can truly heal us.
i promise you, we can get through this stormy weather
and the thunderclouds, will once again be cirrhus.
my mind was a darker place than most could guess,
stone walls prevented any light from infiltrating it.
and i never ever would confess
the way to get past them, to make the bricks split.
i was unwavering in my loneliness and somber sadness
i suppose it was easier than giving someone the power to hurt me.
too many thoughts, my heartbeat became the sound of madness-
until you came along, and suddenly, again i could see.
you took my hand and embraced me, and the darkness around me
it didn't seem to bother you, you took it all in stride
i was in shock, in denial, i didn't know how this could be
you, so beautiful, so radiant, tall and blue-eyed.

never had i felt such compassion from another,
i felt like i didn't deserve even an ounce of it.
but around you, i smiled like no other,
and for the first time, i felt like i belonged, like i fit.
you were always there when i needed you,
almost never any hesitation when you knew i needed help
what did i do to deserve this? what did i do?
inside, all my brain could do was yelp.
demons inside were warning me, telling me i can't ever keep someone around
that i should run while i still could, to prevent getting hurt.
but before you i was lost, and suddenly i was found
so i forced my brain to have happier thoughts to insert.

we've had our fights, our bumps in the road
but i wouldn't trade you for anything.
to my big brick walls, you found the code
and so much warmth and happiness, you do bring.
i feel so lucky, i feel so safe
to have met someone as caring, and wonderful as you.
no relationship goes without strafe,
but anything i can, for you i would do.
you've got darkness too, but it doesn't scare me
i am unwavering, i will be by your side through it all.
i hope that someday, you will see
that i will always catch you, should you ever fall.

trust is a tricky thing, especially when someone's been hurt
we forget that there are people out there willing to give us unconditional love and happiness.
but, i met you, and since then all of those thoughts did divert
and now i'm just filled with sappiness.
i will hold your hand, i will kiss your scars
i will persistently try to help you heal.
you're everything, from here to mars
and i will teach you how real love should feel.
take my hand, and please don't be scared anymore.
i will protect you from everything i can, i will never stray.
i won't allow you to get hurt, i'll start a war
to keep everything evil away, at bay.

time is something i know you need, and i have plenty of it
and in case you ever forget...
good things are worth waiting for, i know this
and i'd wait as long as necessary, just to feel your kiss.
thank you for everything, you make me so happy
the least i can do is be patient with you.
i'm sorry, if this is unbearably sappy-
i just want you to know, i appreciate all that you do.
my arms are always open, confide in me whenever you want to
i will never hesitate to help you in any time of need.
i think of you, and being with you is all i want to do,
thank you, because of you, my heart will no longer bleed.

when you're lonely and taking time away,
remember this.
you are the only one i want, and i will wait.
i know you're worth it, even if you don't agree-
and i know one day, you'll see what i see.
you are special. you are loved. you are one of the most compassionate, sweet, and beautiful people i've ever met and i am so unbelievably lucky to know you and have you in my life. don't forget it.
Jul 2016 · 552
fate
every time i look at you,
my feelings just get stronger.
every little thing you do,
makes me wish our time was longer.
the minute you leave,
i feel a part of me is missing.
you've got me with my heart on my sleeve,
and my mind reminiscing.

when i'm alone,
i swear i feel your fingers on my skin.
your lips on my collarbone,
your hair tickling my chin.
waking up next to you,
feeling your arms tight around me...
it's like a dream come true,
there's nowhere i'd rather be.

you light up my life,
a place that was once black as night.
for our love, i'd go through any strife;
i won't lose you without a fight.
you look at me with so much love in your eyes,
i don't understand how i became so blessed.
you've got me feeling the highest highs,
under your reflection, i am at my best.

your positive influence radiates through me,
i can't thank you enough for how you've helped me grow.
you've helped me become what i couldn't be,
i was once dim, and now i glow.
i think i love you,
i won't run from that anymore.
life without you just won't do,
together we soar, forevermore.
Feb 2016 · 277
flightless
i remember when i used to glow,
i was an angel shining in divine light.
i didn't see your horns, i didn't know
that you'd turn dark what was once bright.

you walked into my life disguised as a saint,
but inside, the demons stirred.
it was my mistake, i didn't practice restraint,
and you hooked me with every word.

you plucked my feathers one by one
and i didn't notice until they were all gone.
until i got hurt, it was just all fun
and gone you were, by the dawn.

you're a feather collector, and i didn't know
you show up just to rip the light out of angels
how could you be so cruel? so low?
you took mine, and turned yourself into an archangel.
Feb 2016 · 570
unravel me
you rock me
and make my body tremble.
colors, you make me see so vividly
my heart, you flawlessly reassemble.
your fingertips leave fires on my skin,
and a raging storm in my eyes.
outward it comes, the love within
and i know i don't need a disguise.

i remember your hands all over me
while we were listening to that album.
your mouth tasted like sweet tea,
and your fists held my heart for ransom.
your teeth grazed me as i arched my back,
and i could see the fire in your eyes.
your pupils were of the purest black,
sending each other into the highest skies.

our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces,
sleeping in your arms is almost euphoric.
every time i see you, my need for you increases
and you keep me from feeling dysphoric.
thank you for being my best friend,
this life would be miserable without you.
i will fight for you until the very end,
being without you, just simply won't do.
Feb 2016 · 368
aftershocks
i always said i'd fight to the end for you,
that i would risk it all just to be at your side.
i'd help you achieve anything you wanted to do,
and that in me, you could always confide.
but every time something seems steady,
the ground starts to shake.
when the earth starts to split, i'm never ready
all i do is give, and all you do is take.
one minute you're attached to my hip,
the next i'm lucky if i even hear from you.
you've got me by the lip
and i'm at a loss, i don't know what to do.
i can't take this constant turbulence,
all i want is to know that we're okay.
your silence is merciless,
and fills me to the brim with dismay.
do you want me? do you not?
i wish you'd miss me.
i was everything you wanted, i thought.
is that suddenly not what you want it to be?
i clutch my head, trying to make some sense
but reality seems to run even further away.
all of the muscles in my body start to tense,
and the skies turn to a dismal gray.
Feb 2016 · 450
pride and prejudice
you loved me fiercely,
i held you dearly.
we fell apart violently,
i cried silently.
i miss you strongly,
but you hurt me wrongly.
i morn you loudly,
and you just look back proudly.
Feb 2016 · 314
abandonment
the rain hit my windowpane,
just like my tears hit the hardwood floor.
all of my attempts have been in vain,
i couldn't stop you from walking out the door.
i remember when you stood here
when you embraced me so warmly.
but i watched you disappear
something i wouldn't have done normally.
your kiss was strong enough to glue me back together,
your touch was enough to set me on fire.
but now, i watch the ominously fierce weather,
and force my feelings to retire.
in seven years, i'll have skin you've never touched before
but i can't help but wish you'd still be here.
but, for now, i lay here on the floor
wishing you were here, and shedding these tears.
Feb 2016 · 237
positive influences
skin so soft, lips so tender
i could stare at you forever.
you touch me, i start on fire
got me feeling like a livewire.
i would stroke your cheek for hours,
and hold your hand for years.
you calm my deepest fears,
and in my heart, you grow flowers.
your words embrace me like a warm hug,
your gaze calms me like a lullaby.
in your neck, my face fits snug
and you've got me feeling so high.
i feel safe, i feel loved
for the first time in forever.
i'm so used to being pushed and shoved,
but i know our love will never sever.
you look at me like i put the stars in the sky,
and i could talk about you for hours on end.
i know you could never tell me a lie,
and i know from you, my heart musn't defend.
you are more beautiful than you'll ever realize,
and i want you here with me for as long as possible.
we'll overcome any and all problems that may arise,
and i know with you, for me nothing is impossible.
Feb 2016 · 237
lover's reprise
Romance.
I remember the first day I met you.
Your hair was flowing, eyes of piercing blue.
You flashed a smile, and I was captivated.
To me, you were the most beautiful thing ever created.
By miracle, you noticed someone as shy as me.
We thought maybe, it was meant to be.
You held my hand, you accepted my flaws.
Wrapped my bleeding heart in gauze.
Your eyes always found mine
Our hearts perpetually entwined.
You gave me your shirt,
I became an extrovert.
I gave you my whole heart,
But that's just one part.
Sunny skies eventually turn gray,
And people never stay.

Rocky.

Our first fight was a mess,
I expected nothing less.
You scream, I cry
When you ask if I'm okay, I lie.
It gets harder to confide in you,
Your love no longer feels true.
During the day, we yell
I feel trapped, in a jail cell.
You see right through me,
The problems, you refuse to see.
You leave late at night,
I hold my pillow tight.
Where do you go?
I'm not sure I want to know.
We barely speak,
But it gets more bleak.

Ruined.

You tell me it's not the same,
And continue to fan the flame.
I hide away in my room,
Feeling my depression bloom.
You yell, and you break things
I try to grow my wings.
You say I'm trapped,
In your web I'm wrapped.
I close my eyes,
And see right through your lies.
I get stronger, but I still cry.
You're killing me, letting me die.
You're cynical when you laugh,
Knowing you're ripping my heart in half.
I stand, and try to run,
But this is just half the fun.

Removal.

One night, I sneak out
My mind held no doubt.
You'd wake in the morning,
But you had a million warnings.
I had to get away,
Cleanse myself from this dismay.
My life was never supposed to be this way,
But you weren't who you portrayed.
One so kind, was now bitter and evil.
Turned our lives into an upheaval.
The storm thrashes, and we burn
But I hope you learn.
You can't hurt the people you love,
You can't push, and you can't shove.
For one day, they'll leave,
And you'll be left to grieve.

Revival.

It took years to realize
I was worth more than your lies.
I hated myself,
Put my feelings on a shelf.
I gave it all up for you,
Something I should never do.
But I'm healing, getting stronger every day.
And today was my 21st birthday.
You weren't here to celebrate,
To laugh, yell, or berate.
I don't know who you are anymore,
The man I used to adore.
The emotional and mental abuse,
Left my brain with so many a bruise.
I stood up, brushed off, and found myself again
And no longer do I care where you've been.
01.26.2016
Feb 2016 · 197
leaps of faith
when you're gone,
i need you here.
your presence lingers
when you're not near.

my hands tremble
when i reach for you.
you paralyze me,
how do you do what you do?

you hold me in your arms,
all of my fears melt away.
you caress me, i freeze up;
your eyes turn to a striking gray.

when you grab for me,
the lust shines through your eyes.
your hair falls into your face,
while my heart screams and cries.

when we're apart,
my mind races continuously.
i wonder if you're thinking of me,
as i sit here, plotting conspicuously.

when you hold my hand,
i feel a wave of love come over me.
especially when you're driving,
what is this? what could it be?

this is slowly evolving,
becoming more than just lust.
every kiss connecting us more deeply,
every touch creating a stronger trust.

don't be afraid of me,
i would never manipulate you.
you are such a beautiful human being,
and our feelings, we must construe.

hold me close, don't ever let go.
i need you here, and i know you need me.
keep me near, throughout the night,
i'll show you true love, you'll see.
Feb 2016 · 323
cause and effect
You give me an irregular heartbeat,
You make my stomach drop,
You cause my confidence to deplete,
You make my breathing completely stop.

You snap your fingers, I fall to my knees.
It's so easy for you to make me feel weak.
To my heart, you stole all the keys...
You're a cheat, and a sneak.

You make me feel total bliss,
Anger, sadness, and anguish all at once.
When you leave a lingering kiss,
I go from feeling wonderful, to feeling like a dunce.

Your control embarrasses me,
You blind me, and I can't see.
You squeeze, and I plea,
But I just can't break free.
May 2015 · 236
mistakes
You see right through me,
Like my being is a mirage.
Breathe new life into me,
With your ice cold breath.
Always searching, always hunting
For our loving companions,
Another hand to hold.
When do you give in? When do you fold?
So much heartbreak,
How much pain can one heart take?
Lies, deceit, trickery
You held my heart and dropped it.
You told me this is what you wanted,
That I was something new, something refreshing.
That we were in it for the long haul,
Until you dropped the ball.
If you're not over her, why am I here?
Why am I laying in your bed?
It doesn't feel right my dear,
And now I feel like my heart might burst.
I saw something special in you,
I thought I finally got it right.
But in the blink of an eye, you're gone
I'm not sure what to do.
Part of me feels empty
Without you to talk to all day.
I guess it will always be this way,
I wish I could rewind time.
I liked it better when I didn't know you,
The pain would all undo.
But we have no such luxury
In the evil we call life.
Feb 2015 · 323
.
Feb 2015 · 608
Egotistical
You're pathetic, I'm sick of you;
Always criticizing me for the things I do.
You tell me to take a joke, even though you never can;
You're always trying to be the better man.
You don't care who gets upset, you just wanna be right,
Always looking to pick out a fight.
You don't care who's feelings are hurt, you just wanna look tough;
Why don't you just flat out tell me that I'm not good enough?
You always say you're joking when you bruise my ego,
But it's just like you're driving a deadly torpedo.
When I make a joke, you get all mad;
Don't you think you're being hypocritical, just a tad?
You act like you're so much better than everyone,
But when someone points out your flaws, you turn and run.
I don't know why you're so cocky and rude,
Or why you give me such a terrible attitude.
I point out one thing, and it was a mistake,
Now you leave a terrible path in your wake.
Saying that I act like a queen, that I act superior,
When really you're the one who makes people feel inferior.
You're the one who thinks he runs the show,
Will fight to the death to prove his points by hitting you blow after blow.
Maybe you should take a look around you,
Try to find out what everyone else already knew.
You and your little bunch of friends act like they know everything,
And really don't care what pain they bring.
Maybe you just need a reality check,
It could be just what you need to stop you from being a fatuous wreck.
Life isn't all about demeaning people and tearing them down,
It's not about hurting someone or making them frown.
Maybe take a bit of advice, you're not as perfect as you think you are;
Because your words, they can leave a fairly large scar.
Your cockiness is just too much these days,
So I'm done with you until you change your ways.
Hypocritical and ill-mannered, I'll never really know
How a person could allow themselves to sink so incredibly low.
Uploading some old stuff.
6.24.2012
Feb 2015 · 967
Mood Swings
You're conflicted,
So addicted,
Completely twisted,
Of these things you've been convicted.
Your kiss was intergalactic,
Beyond fantastic.
But your tongue was sarcastic,
And your heart made out of plastic.

Your touch is so magnetic,
Your energy beyond kinetic.
Too bad your attitude was pathetic,
And your conscience unapologetic.

Your eyes are so hypnotic,
Your composure exotic.
But I was idiotic,
And a tad bit psychotic.

Your blood is radioactive,
But to me you're so attractive.
Our personalities are reactive,
Making my heartbeats hyperactive.

You're personalities are so conflicting,
And I'm tired of predicting.
So now I am restricting,
Your mind I am done depicting.
Uploading some old stuff.
2.26.2012
Feb 2015 · 212
Savior
You were everything,
And so much more.
You were the pills that I take,
To heal my heart from the ache.
You were the hand that I held,
When I got scared.
You were the lightbulb in my head,
When I thought I was dead.
You were the air that my lungs held,
When I felt I couldn't breathe.
You were the pulse in my wrist,
Everytime we kissed.
You were the source of my sanity,
When I thought I was losing it all.
You were the thoughts in my head,
That left my lying awake in my bed.
You were my safety net,
The one I ran to when everything went bad.
You were the replacement to the blade on my skin,
Preventing me from continuing that ugly sin.
You were the happiness and joy I never found,
And I felt it everytime you were around.
You were my one and only,
Who would've thought you'd leave me lonely?
You were the warmth that filled my face,
Now it's cold, gone without a trace.
You were the waves that covered my toes,
The one I ran to when I needed my worries to decompose.
You were the wind that blew my hair,
Life without you, an impossible dare.
You were everything I ever needed,
But that boy disappeared, turned rock hard and conceded.
I'm left with the broken pieces of a love once beautiful,
Realizing now, that I am so very easily removable.
You told me that you loved me, and promised me the world,
Amazing how those words all got completely twirled.
You were the one thing that kept me from going over the edge,
Now I see myself leaning more and more over that ledge.
You were the one that stayed up for hours listening to me rant and cry,
Making me feel beautiful, and you didn't even have to try.
An effortless love on your part,
I should've known you were going to break my heart.
Uploading some old stuff.
08.02.2012
Feb 2015 · 845
Seasonal
The colder weather is approaching,
Funny how that indicates the withering of our love.
In summer, we blossomed, so happy;
In winter, we die under the cold and bitter winds.
Back in May, you celebrated my birthday with me,
We partied it up 'til dawn, but really . . .
We just watched Disney movies together,
But I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
In June, you held my hand and told me,
"We'll make it through."
In July, we kissed under the fireworks,
Held each other tight, and vowed to never let go.
In August, you told me that you loved me for the first time,
And for the first time, I said it back and meant it.
In September, senior year started, we didn't have much freetime-
We drifted apart, but stayed together.
In October, we reunited;
We played in leaf piles and watched the stars at night.
In November, we could feel the chill of the wind coming,
But we decided to savor what we could until it came.
December rolled around, you stayed with me 'til Christmas.
You came to my house and met my whole family.
We were happy, despite the bitter cold,
I thought that we might just make it through.
But then came January . . .
January was the worst.
Temperatures dipped into the negative range,
And so did our relationship.
You'd scream and yell at me,
I'd cower helplessly.
You told me you didn't love me,
And threw our love away.
With February approaching,
Valentine's Day will make me a bitter girl,
You promised you'd be my valentine,
But where are you now?
Are you holding hands with a new girl,
Who's eyes glint in the light better than mine?
Or are you laying in your bed,
Regretting what you did?
Regretting you left me, the one person who truly loved you?
I hug myself at night, assuring that I'm better off;
But I can't seem to convince myself,
I can't shake you off.
Even though I'm not over you,
When the spring comes back, I will not return to you.
If you can't stay with me through the bitterness,
You can't be with me during the beauty.
Uploading some old stuff.
3/10/2013
Feb 2015 · 1.2k
Untitled
Do you know how it feels to hate yourself?
Every bit of your skin, laced with the burn of hatred.
A visit in the mirror, it makes you flinch
How can anyone love me, if I can't love myself?
Many potential lovers and friends,
Pushed away because of your own selfishness.
Some create scars on their skin,
Some force themselves to go without food.
Some are just a shell of themselves,
Pretending to be something they're not just to fit in.
Not comfortable in their skin,
Not comfortable anywhere.

Sometimes, you just want to hide under your blankets
And forget the world for a while.
My child, I feel your pain. I know your anger. Your angst. Your hate.
I am a servant to my own mind, to my own self-esteem.
I look in the mirror, and I see so many flaws.
Raccoon eyes, love handles, big hips, crazy hair.
We pick ourselves apart, until there is nothing left to love.
And because of this, we search for others to love us,
To fill the void that once was our own self-acceptance.
The saying is true, though.
To truly love another, you must first learn to love you.

Your insecurities will force you to push the one you love away
Until one day, they turn away and never come back.
What was once your happiness, is now your downfall
And you're even further gone than you were before.
But my dear, that is why I am writing to you.
Your raccoon eyes? While they are curable,
They're just a sign of the war with your mind.
Not getting enough sleep, working too hard,
You can do this. You can win.
Love handles?
It's only human to have some extra fat on your body.
Not everyone can be tight all over their body.
My struggle with body image has been a vicious one
But now I know, the one I love will love my body
No matter if it is round, or if it is flat.
Big hips? My dear it's genetic.
I used to hate mine, they made my thighs big.
Hips are bones, there is nothing you can do to fight it.
Hug yourself, and realize someday once you grow to accept it,
A guy will wrap his arms around them and cherish them just
as he cherishes you.
Crazy hair? Who doesn't have issues with that?
Throw it in a ponytail, in a braid.
Don't let those silly follicles define your mood.

Love yourself. You are worth it.
Every person in the world is beautiful.
Not everyone will be nice,
Not everyone will compliment you.
Some people thrive off of negative energy,
And will do anything to tear you down.
But my dear, there are many nice people out there as well
And as long as you look the other way to those who try to discourage you,
The nice people and their feedback will far outweigh the mean.

Beauty is in everyone,
Someday, this world will learn that.
But sometimes, you are all you have.
Be kind to yourself, and love yourself.
Look out for yourself first,
And someday, love will find you.
And when it happens, you will know how to love back.

Take it from me,
I've lost one too many from my insecurities,
And I promise, it will make you realize too late that your insecurities
and your battle with them,
Are nowhere near as important as the person you can potentially lose.
Feb 2015 · 139
?
Jan 2015 · 314
Hello, my dear.
Hello my dear,
Where have you gone?
My heart holds fear
That you won't be back by dawn.
I've been watching out the window for you for hours,
But still, you have not returned.
In my eyes, I see showers
The sunshine turned to rain, and now I'm concerned.
Did your love for me go away?
Why did you run from me?
I remember when together we spent almost all of our days,
But now, I'm sifting through my heart's debris.
You let me go and left me alone,
And now I can't function.
All week I've stared at the phone,
You never called, I pretended it just malfunctioned.
But deep down I knew, you just didn't call.
You didn't think of me.
From my eyes, the water falls
Why is this how it has to be?
Did I misunderstand your feelings?
Did I do something wrong?
This pain isn't easy to be dealing
Especially when I thought our love was so strong.
Remember when we'd fall asleep together?
You told me you waited all day for those moments.
I thought we'd make it through any weather,
But now I'm just broken.
I remember the way you used to look at me,
You looked at me like you were so in love.
So if you loved me, why did you flee?
I thought we had a love worth bragging of.
But now I'm alone, with nothing left of you but your sweater.
I curl up with it at night, wishing it was you.
I can tell you, life has definitely been better
But without you here, what can I do?
Being with other guys makes me realize,
My heart doesn't work unless it's you.
It's you that revitalizes me,
It's you that gives me what I need to get through.
Your touch hydrates me,
Your kiss keeps me sane.
Can't you see?
Without you, I'll surely go insane.
The memories are haunting me,
There's not a moment you're not on my mind.
With you is where I should be,
But you're so hard to find.
I crave your touch, I crave your smile
I crave your lips and just you in general.
You and me, we never go out of style.
You and I, the value is sentimental.
If I could love you again, I'd do it right
So please be gentle and come back to me.
No more crazy, no more fight.
I'll be everything you need me to be.
Andrew, I love you with all of my heart
And I can only pray you still feel the same.
In my life, you play such a huge part
And you're my muse, you're my flame.
This girl loves you, and this girl needs you.
You're the one I want to spend my life with
I hope you still feel the way I do,
So if it's true, let's stop being a myth.
Come back to me my dear, you belong with me.
Your arms are where I belong.
You make me the best person I can be,
Without you, my life just feels wrong.

Hello my dear, as you can see I feel strongly about this.
Please come back to me, in one piece.
You are something I dearly miss,
And until you're returned to me, I won't be at peace.
Oct 2014 · 593
Compassion
When I look into your eyes,
I see my future with you.
You're nothing short of a prize,
I love the things that you do.
When you hold my hand, you hold my heart
I think we're meant to be.
In my life, you play such a huge part
You make me feel alive, you make me feel free.
We haven't been together that long,
But I can already tell that you're the one.
By your side is where I belong,
You make all of my aches become undone.
All the pain of my past,
You make it fade away.
I hope forever we last,
Because my love grows for you every day.
The way your fingertips trace my bare skin,
The way your arms hold me tight,
It makes me forget where I've been
And sets the fire in my heart alight.
I always wondered why things never worked out
Between me and other guys.
But now that I've got you, I know without a doubt
It was because I wasn't looking into your eyes.
Meeting you was destiny, it was fate.
You're everything I never knew I needed.
Such a beautiful love, we did create
We built it strong and we succeeded.
We just planted our seeds, let's watch them bloom
Into a big strong tree with roots unbreakable.
My heart is something you now consume,
The chemistry between us is unmistakable.
Take my hand, stay with me forever
Our journey will be full of love and fulfillment.
I'll be here for you, whenever, wherever.
Because to you, I've made a full commitment.
Oct 2014 · 192
october 19
it hit me like a train running off the tracks
the evening smelt like moonlight and lilacs.
your hair shined in the evening starlight,
my heart didn't give up much of a fight.
you looked into my eyes for the first time and it was over,
it was like i picked up a four leaf clover.
the way you smiled at me and held my hand,
this was something so very unplanned.
i never expected to fall as hard as i did for you,
but i just love all of the things that you do.
you take me to places i've never been,
i feel electricity when you touch my skin.
you make my mind race and my heart skip beats,
and there's nothing i love more than seeing your face under the sunlit sheets.
when i'm at your side, i feel that there's nothing i can't do
you make me feel invincible, i'm a fool for you.
when you touch me, i lose all control
i try to make myself look whole.
when you told me you loved me,
i saw how i want my future to be.
i want you beside me for years to come
and i really hope that doesn't sound dumb.
you have my heart and all of my affection,
when i look at you, it's like i'm seeing my reflection.
i love you so much, i hope we never fall apart
because in the palm of your hand, you hold my heart.
Oct 2014 · 1.1k
foreshadowing
it was fall, it was cold

you were a sight to behold

last september is when i met you,

with your beautiful smile and eyes so blue.

i overlooked you for quite some time,

trying to prevent a crime.

you had her, i was alone

but every time you called, i picked up the phone.

back in january, i caught your eye

i could that what you said wasn’t a lie.

but you were still with her, i was still lonely

i knew i couldn’t be your one and only.

i moved on, so did you

so as friends, we started anew.

things were good, i enjoyed your presence

but as months went by you gained omnipresence.

i saw you everywhere i went

inside it began to torment.

summer came fast and i hid my feelings

knowing the hand would be toxic if i was dealing.

even so, the feelings grew

every time i looked at you, i just knew.

my heart beat fast, my stomach flipped

all the while, keeping tight lipped.

every hug was something i cherished

hoping what we had would never have perished.

so special to me, so sweet and loving

the demons inside of me stirred with becoming.

i lashed out in fear that you would never be mine,

all i wanted was our fingers to intertwine.

i could never compete with her, you know

she’s so petite and i just grow.

in one fowl swoop i ruined what could’ve been

and things have never been the same since then.

every day i wake up from nightmares

eyes welled with tears.

i grab at my bed sheets as i remember words you said

before i made my own deathbed.

i grasp at straws as gravity pulls me to the ground

sometimes the lost never do get found.

you’re the one that got away, that much i’m sure

a smile so beautiful, a heart so pure.

but the idea of you and her ate at my mind,

and i couldn’t handle what i might find.

if you and her never broke up, where would that leave me?

a second choice, i didn’t want to be.

but even still, after all the damage i’ve caused

my brain stops and i pause.

when you walk in the room and overlook me, my heart breaks

it’s so hard to smile when it’s fake.

no longer in your heart, or in your mind

i’ve been rendered blind.

now my nights are long and cold

just like that week in september foretold.
Jul 2014 · 1.1k
Conformity
Summer has appeared suddenly,
And you were caught off guard.
Scared to wear short sleeved shirts,
Afraid to reveal that you're scarred.
Struggling with body image
As other girls prance by in short shorts and crop tops.
It's bikini season, and you hate being reminded,
It's hard not to be when they're in every shop.
You feel gross, you feel self conscious
You wish you could feel comfortable in clothing like that.
But let me tell you something right now,
You are not ugly, and you are not fat.
If you think something is cute, wear it.
Don't let society's image of a perfect body stop you.
Wear whatever will make you look in the mirror and say,
"Today, this world, I will pursue."
Wear makeup if it makes you feel good,
Or don't; it's your decision.
Hold your head high and feel confident in yourself,
You are beauty, you are a vision.
People will talk, but who doesn't?
Everyone talks about everyone, it's sadly a social norm.
But you're warrior, I can see it in your eyes,
You're not one to easily conform.
No more crying late at night in front of your mirror,
No more grabbing the extra skin on your body.
You are who you are for a reason my dear,
And who you are is what you embody.
You are purely unique,
There will never be someone like you.
Flaunt what you have with a smile,
Take pride in everything you do.
You are a shining star,
Made out of pure gold.
Someday someone special will come around and see it too,
And beautiful love will unfold.
But until that day, no more crying,
No more scars.
Promise me you'll be strong and love yourself,
And have a shining fury in your eyes, like the god of Mars.
Jul 2014 · 429
Deploy
Across the sea,
So very far away from me.
Unexpected love,
Light as a dove.
You took my heart
In your hands
And cradled it
Like a prized possession.
Deployed as a Marine,
Patiently waiting for me
Filling me with glee.
Your love hit me
Like a ton of bricks.
Your broken heart,
I am here to fix.
Never will I write you
A Dear John letter,
I'm so much better
Than what she did to you.
All you should expect
From me are poems,
And "open when" notes.
I'd ride a boat,
A plane,
A train
Just to get to you.
But waiting for you
Is agonizing,
But worth it all the while.
May 2014 · 740
Outcomes
So many things I wish I could say
Thoughts build up more day by day.
I wish I could pour my emotions out to you,
But I just don't know what you would do.
Would you sneer, laugh and run the other way?
Would you make fun of the things I'd say?
Would you embrace me and never let go?
Would you love me, and let the whole world know?
Would you cry tears of joy because you were waiting on me?
Would we become a couple like I wish we would be?
Would you run and hide?
Would you stay by my side?
The thoughts antagonize me until I crumble,
Even normal sentences, I fumble.
How can I hide all the things I'm feeling inside?
If you can't see it, you must be blind.
I'd give up everything just to touch your face,
To secure myself in your gaze.
If I broke down and told you I loved you
Would you break down and tell me you love me too?
Would you cradle me in your arms?
Would you give off all your boyish charms?
Or would you reject me?
Break all my hopes of things we could be?
Do I take a leap of faith?
Or in my self-loathing do I bathe?
You've seen my good side, you've seen my bad;
And being without you would make me sad...
But my mouth stays sealed no matter what I do,
Even though I just can't live without you.
May 2014 · 5.8k
Confusion
Rising from the embers
Of a love that once was
Part of me remembers
To stop and pause.
Confused and scared
I try to stand,
And there you were, you just stared
for a moment, then offered your hand.
The touch of your skin was electric
I knew from the start you were something special.
The nerves in my brain started going hectic,
But somehow, I kept myself level.
You made my heart leap
And you helped me heal,
No longer did I have to count sheep
When I had you to feel.
I fell asleep every night with a smile on my face,
But lately the tides have grown dark and rough.
I feel like I'm back in the old place,
Where love was unyielding and tough.
You change your mind like the weather,
Some days you want me, others you don't.
I thought we were birds of a feather,
But cooperating lately, you won't.
All I want is for you to give me a chance,
I know I could make you oh so happy.
But it seems that you're in a trance,
Making me feel sad and ******.
The past and the future hold you back,
But I'd love you through all of it.
Compassion is not something I lack,
To you, I could really commit.
Maybe someday you'll decide what you want,
And I know I'll hang on until you do.
But 'til the day your heart decides, your face will haunt
my mind, and keep my brain askew.
May 2014 · 637
Empty
my heart has been so hollow
since you ripped through it
i'm not sure which one to follow,
neither my heart nor my brain seem to fit.
you left me empty,
like a ******* hole
feelings used to be plenty
but now my soul is black as coal.
your lies made me heartless,
your games made me wiser
but the damage, i refuse to assess
for when i do, the feelings explode like a geyser.
when i think back to the good memories,
my eyes fill with tears
falling head first always seemed so scary,
but what happened with you confirmed my fears.
devoid and broken,
not sure how to get over you
alone and unspoken
somehow, i'll get through.
May 2014 · 450
Untitled

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