Looking around the table and you're not there.
Watching the football game and you're not there.
Greeting the guests and you're not there.
Making my plate and you're not there.
Telling stories from this year and you're not there.
Saying what I'm "thankful" for and you're not there.
Watching the parade and you're not there.
Laughing at Uncle Jim's joke and you're not there.
It's hard to celebrate what you're thankful for, when the one you're most thankful for isn't there.

Try not to be scared.
I know you said you don't believe in relationships because every single "real relationship" you've seen has failed
but I promise you we aren't them.
I know you don't think it could work but I promise I will work hard for you.
It's just that I feel the distance when you aren't here, whether its a room, a street, a city.
and that you brought life to this dead soul of mine.
I love you so much and I won't stop reminding you.
So don't be scared because I'm only scared when you aren't here.

I don't know what to write about anymore
because you haven't held my hands to stop them from shaking in almost 2 months.
You used to ask "whats wrong?" when you saw that my nails were getting short and now you don't even call.
You say, "Everything I've ever known has left me." as if I was never there in the first place.
I know you won't say it, but I know she borrows your clothes
and I think its messed up that I saw her wearing the shirt I bought you last Christmas.
You told me to move on because it would help me but you already know I break everything I touch so I'm scared to move anything because I might touch someone's heart.
I remember when you denied everything we ever had because it's hard to own up to having feeling for someone nobody wants.
They told you in your calculus class to solve the problems but I promise you they weren't talking about me.

Please come back.
I know they say not to beg for someone who doesn't want you
but if I have to see you with her one more time I don't know what I'll do
I need you, nothing less, nothing more.
without you I feel so alone
My life, nothing more than a day spent on the floor.
My heart, just an abandoned home.
I didn't ask for much
I just wish you've would've called.
But all you gave was a selfish touch
And left as soon as I began to fall.
I'm not one for writing poems that rhyme.
But I wrote you so much in free verse you never gave a reply
So the more I wrote to you the more I felt like a waste of your time
You weren't just your body and your face for once in your life
You said thats why all your relationships have failed and maybe that's why now you don't even try.

I forgot to tell you Happy Father's day the same way you forgot to be a father. Oh.

Just wanted to tell y'all that I'm so thankful for all of you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't get the opportunity to share my work every day. Every like, repost, comment, even view has been a blessing to me. I hope you all recognize how lucky we are to have a place that we can get away from everything going on and share our life through paragraphs and freely do what we love.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. You are all amazing and beautiful whether you think so or not. I love you all<3

I need a favor, if yall wouldn't mind reading through some of my poems and messaging me some of your favorite quotes from them, I would greatly appreciate it. I'll follow you and show some love to your profile.
Its really important.
Thank you


xoxo

court

"Court, you can't die with him. You have to let go."

But what if I need to?
I can't go to that coffee shop without losing my ability to breathe, as if I was hanging next to you.
I can't  listen to "Chasing Cars" with thinking about lying next to you and forgetting the world and myself.
I see your cousin at school and I see so much of you in him.
I can't go to the movies without wishing our fingers were intertwined.
I see flowers on the side of the road and all I can remember is your parents in all black kneeling at an alter in prayer.
Snow globes, hot chocolate, super hero movies and all the things that reflect us pull me through our timeline and remind me that I can't bear to look at rocks without seeing your name in that stone.
I can't drink coffee without tasting your vanilla kisses.
I can't look at ropes or strings or laces or ribbons without seeing your body hanging from your ceiling.
You used to leave me with smiles and stupid jokes but on October 13th, all you left me with was our history. And now its slowly carving my name into a rock and that's all I've ever known about letting go.

John.
Its been awhile.
But its your birthday.
I know I won't be able to write this without crying
but I'll try.
Its been a long year and a half without you.
I heard our song today and I knew that God must've been punishing me for not helping you.
I am so sorry.
I am sorry that I am the reason you are not here anymore.
I'm sorry I pushed you away instead of helping you when you needed me the most.
I am so sorry that I can't help but think that I might as well have carved your name into that stone.
I'm sorry that I got to celebrate my birthday while yours is only celebrated through those who mourn you.
I am sorry that I allowed you to get close to me when I know I am a hurricane that feels no remorse when destroying peoples' homes and forcing them to find a new one.
I'm so sorry I didn't realize my heart beats for you until yours stopped beating.
I miss you terribly.
I hope you rest in peace.
I'll be living in guilt.

I made the mistake of trusting you
and you made the mistake of believing that I was worth your time
Just let me pack up our promises and throw out the ones that weren't broken
I haven't woken up without my makeup still on for the past week
I just don't know to do with my love anymore.

loving you was like the split second when you die and are revived
i felt like i had nothing but matches and gasoline
i was nothing but an unfinished book that the author didn’t want to finish
when i met you everything changed
i had learned the peace of healing
i learned the grace of forgiveness
i became whole
the fire that once burn my brain with anxiety was finally calmed
it was like driving under a bridge in the rain
i felt excited and quiet for once in life
now you’re gone and so am i
i don’t remember how to heal without you so i’ll just wait until you come back through that door
i will wait until you remember what it felt like calm the storm
walk across the ocean back to me and tell me i am worthy of life again.

I guess now that I'm happy I don't see the world through metaphors
I don't speak through paragraphs
I'm not fascinated in the seasons changing
But maybe it's not that I'm happy
Its that if I keep writing about how much it hurts that I have my name engraved in a bible while you have yours engraved into a stone then I'll never leave my bedroom floor.
Its the fact that my mom told me I can't die with you
Its the fact that I don't want to live in this world but these are the cards I was dealt so I have to.

If God had a heart, he wouldn't have let me meet you, because he knew I'd fall in love.
If God had a heart, he wouldn't have let you ask for my number, because he knew I'd become dependent on a "good morning"
If God had a heart, he would've closed every movie theater, coffee shop, and bowling alley, because he knew millions of hugs and kisses and "I love you"s would be created there.
If God had a heart, he would've taken every "I love you" and "baby" and "you're my world" away from your lips because he knew one day I'd be on the floor wondering where we went wrong and if you ever meant a thing.
If God had a heart, my bed wouldn't feel so big right now. So lonely. So cold.
If God had a heart, he would've made you live somewhere else, because he knew I'd love you and everything that you are. He knew I'd fall so hard and I wouldn't ever leave my bathroom floor when you left. He knew I'd drink your favorite coffee to remember how your lips tasted. He knew I'd wonder if you were even real. He knew I'd be looking at how the stars look like the constellations in your eyes, hoping you were doing the same, just like you used to say Orion's belt and the big dipper were in my eyes.

*I hope you see the stars and think of me

I don't know if it was you or if I just got nervous or both, but when you called me "beautiful" the butterflies in my stomach felt like fire burning.
I don't know if it was you or I just got scared or both, but when I saw you with her I could't help but get angry, the butterflies in my stomach evolved to hornets.
I don't know if it was you, or my past haunting me or both, but when you sang "Chasing Cars" to me, it reminded me of the one who broke me entirely and the butterflies in my stomach turned to emptiness as I fell on my bedroom floor crying that night.
I don't know if it's you, or me, or both, but I have no idea what we are but everything seems right even when its wrong.

All I know is that when it was cold you hug me from behind so your arms and your blanket wrapped around me. I know that you smile that crooked smile that makes my heart melt. I know the day I saw you cry was like every star stopped shining and the world turned colder. I know loving you was like seeing the world for the first time. I know you made me see the sun where there used to be rain clouds. I know you made me see the beauty between seasons. I know you made me realize that home isn't a building or an address. Home is any time you're laughing.  I know you have always been smarter than me but always loved hearing my perspective. I know I'm not the best but I love you more than my bones can handle.

I'm nervous to love you.
I know what its like to be left alone when my aching heart said too much.

I'm nervous to love you.
My father said I broke everything I touched.
Do you understand why I don't want to hold your heart?

I'm nervous to love you.
The last guy I loved left everything we had hanging on a ceiling.
He turned his red flannel into black suits and ties.

I'm nervous to love you.
I'm already a wreck.
I don't know if you will be able to see past that.

I'm nervous to love you.
I'm scared to rush into this.
I already feel so much.
I don't want to say goodbye to another person.
I'm scared you'll leave once you see the depths of my heart.

I'm sorry. I know it's been months. I know you won't read all of this.





I'm sorry that the way you looked at me melted away every ounce of pain I ever had.
I'm sorry that the way you held me that night when I told you about my father made up for the nightmare you've put me in.
I'm sorry that the way you laughed at my jokes made up for the five thousand eight hundred and forty three days that I've been alone.

In those thousands of days I never felt more alone than I did the day you left though

I'm sorry I'm a complete mess without you.
I'm sorry I have to literally force myself to not text you or stop by your house.
I'm sorry I made a playlist of your favorite songs.
I'm sorry I still go to "our" coffee shop. It's so empty without you.
You used to cover up the crack in the chair across from me at "our" table at "our" coffee shop. Now I can see light piercing through the crevice.
I'm sorry I still know you number by heart.

You don't know this but I saw your mother at the grocery store. She didn't say hi.

I'm sorry I couldn't make words sound like angels as well as you turned darkness to light.
I'm sorry for being so cold.
I'm sorry, but I love you. You just mean so much. You're everything.
I'm sorry for letting you go.

I'm sorry your friends will probably read this, but it's important to me. You're important to me.

I love you.

Dear Lover,
our love used to be a half full kind of love.
a love that always saw the light at the end of the tunnel
butterflies would take flight in my stomach at the sound of you voice.
your arms were my home, my sanctuary.
you were the light in my life, the sugar in my coffee.
you turned my blood red.
your fingerprints touched my heart and made me stronger.
I can never thank you enough for that.

if I could erase all the words I'm about to tell you from my heart,
and erase all my actions from my mind
it still wouldn't be able to stop my body from aching in my own guilt.
I met someone. His name is John.
he reminds me of watching Saturday morning cartoons in my favorite PJ's
his voice a song only an angel can copy

our love was once half full and now its half empty.
the butterflies sleep when I'm with you.
our love has died. our love is empty. I feel dead with you

The truth is John brings those butterflies back to life in the same way you once did.

I'm sorry....I'm so sorry

I'm in love with someone else

-Your lover

My name is Courtney. My favorite colors are black and white because that's how I see everything. I'm usually loud in places I should be quiet and quiet in places I should be loud. I usually laugh too much, and smile when I don't want to. I like to meet new people but I don't like having super close friendships.
I like being left alone, most days I never leave my room.
I'm a scorpio but to be honest I have no idea what that means.
I have an odd fascination with things like the ocean and lights and coffee.
I like temporary things and that's why I tend to love people who could never love me back.
Its safer that way. Relationships only remind me that I'm not afraid of spiders or heights or rollercoasters but I'm terrified of everything that can be felt but not seen.
I have a purple heart. I got it because I'm constantly beating myself up about things and people I can't fix or make better.
I always try to swallow my pride but I choke on the words I can't say and my self esteem drowns out anything and everything that could be good or right in my life. My self esteem hates anything that could ever get close enough to hear me breathe. My self esteem is so scared of anyone that could ever hurt me like when I was 8 years old living through world war 3 in the place I called home.
I never sleep in complete darkness because that forces my eyes to see nothing but only feel what I'm afraid of.
I can't read letters without them being proof read first. I'm always so afraid that it'll blood stained by someone I love saying goodbye.
I hate goodbyes. I hate leaving doors open because open doors eventually get shut and that closed door stings more than any tear that ever rolled down my cheek.
This sounds so weird, but I wonder what my demons say about me when I'm not around. I wonder if they laugh at my weakness. I wonder if they were there when my friend heard me throwing up my pain into the toilet in my school's bathroom. I wonder if they saw me try to rip out the happiness of every picture I saw the boy I loved and his new girl in.
I don't allow myself to cry as often as I need to. I don't let myself grieve. I don't allow anyone to know anything about the first 13 years of my life. Because I know once I open that door, they will be scared of such a damaged me, that they will close it before I finish the story.
I do believe in God. I believe he didn't save me. I believe I've had to save myself all these years until I let him save me.
I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you.

I know you want her but I promise you its gonna be who stays up with you  until 5 am when you and your dad get in a fight and you need someone to talk to.
I know she's prettier but I promise you I'm gonna be the one who reminds you that your scars are the places where you are the strongest and to keep holding on.
I know she's smarter but I want to be the one who comes home and makes you dinner and asks you about your day.
I know she's funnier but I promise to laugh at all of your bad jokes.
I know you have history with her but we can write our own story.
I know she's better for you but I promise I'll be so alone without you.
I promise to love as hard as I can.

I never loved you more than I did the moment you left me.

Selfish.
The only word that could replace my name
Because I’m never happy for anyone.
Yes I might be there for someone when they’re sad but when it comes to someone’s happiness, I don’t care.
And maybe that’s why I’m so angry all the time.
Not because I wish to be as happy as other people
But because when it came to you I wasn’t that person.
I wanted you to be okay. Happy.
I would cross oceans and search atlases to find you when you needed me.
I wanted you to be happy.
Because if you were happy that made problems seem a little lighter. They would be absent, even if it was just for a second.
I even stopped writing because I didn’t remember what it felt like to hurt anymore.
You made me hate that me that never wished anyone the best.
I said I’d always love myself more than anyone. I’d always care about my problems more than anyone else’s.
But I knew you were suffering so I did the unthinkable. I went against my instincts.
I let you go.
Because my selfish, jealous heart only held love for you.
And I needed to see that smile again even if I wasn’t the reason for it.
And I hope you feel free.

It's not you, it's the fact that I never knew that your father was supposed to heal the wounds not cause them until I was 14.
It's not you it's the fact that I remember the cut on my mom's eye after my father threw a lamp at her. I remember the tears she cried. And when I asked her where she hurt she pointed to her heart.
It's not you it's the day my sister became homeless because she couldn't work because she was severely harmed in a car accident.
It's not you, but when I saw my old lover hanging from the ceiling I decided that would be the last time I ever put my happiness into the hands of anyone else.
It's not you but I know how love can rip you apart and I don't know if I can ever forget that and let you in.

This one is for the way you don't think you're attractive even though you are.
This one if for your voice because its heavenly, my love.
This one is for how you always try to scare me to be funny but you never actually succeed.
This one is for your hugs because they are so perfect.
This one is for the dreams you keep showing up in.
This one is for your taste in music...it's perfect.
This one is how you always poke my side when your "mad"
This one is for how you like your coffee. Same as me.
This one is for all your quirky mannerisms.
This one is for the smile you put on my face and how you have me dancing in my PJ's in the morning like I used to before he left.
This one is for how you showed me that I can move on and be happy again.
This one is for you and your goofy laugh.

I wish I would've known everything I know now when I first met you.

I saw you and I knew right then that this would end with me on my bedroom floor wondering why the constellations were against us.

Isn't it crazy how I have filled almost 3 spirals with thoughts of you when you won't even talk to me or tell me your thoughts.?

I met you and a week later I knew I'd be staring at the stars hoping you were doing the same every single night.
You're one thousand eight hundred seconds away.
That's one thousand eight hundred seconds too many.
I miss you so much.
I miss you more than my body can handle.
I miss you almost as much as I love you.

*john, six hundred and four thousand seconds wasn't enough time with you

I'm so in love with you that my mind is too boggled with adjectives to use to describe you I can't even try to write poetry.

You leave me speechless.

I see you all the time.
I see you in crowded cafeterias and I remember you getting up to get sweet tea
I see you in open fields and I remember memories made at that little camp
I see you on empty concrete curbs like where we sat when we talked that Wednesday night.
I see you when I look at empty beds and I remember how you used to lay on your stomach and glance and smile at me.
I see you in full pews and empty alters and I remember how you were too nervous to walk to the alter.
I see you post pictures alone (without me) and I wonder if they look as empty to you as they make me feel
It's been 159 hours since I last saw you and all I can say is I miss you more than anything.

I know you pretend like I don't have pages and pages of poems about other guys.
I know you pretend like I didn't tell you about the time I cheated on my boyfriend last year.
I know you pretend like you didn't hear me throw up in the bathroom down the hall.
I know you pretend like you didn't see the scars on my wrist.
I know you pretend that all the things that aren't perfect about me don't exist and maybe that's why "you and I" will never be "us"

Its been so long I'm starting to wonder if I have anything left to say
Its been so long I have an entire new life but here I am again
Here I am running back to the same paper and pen
Running back to write about you.
Its been years. I'm wondering why I'm even thinking about it in the first place.
Maybe its because someone had asked me if I was okay, I said yes.
But what I should've said was I'm trying.
I'm trying. God knows I'm trying.
God knows I'm unraveling.
God knows I'm anxious.

I'm 22 now.
But truthfully I feel like I've been dead since 2014.
I feel like I'm in another person's body.
Just existing.
Because all I remember are the ways you made me feel alive and its killing me.
It's been killing me slowly like a cigarette.
And I keep coming back because I'm addicted because this is the only life I've known.
Eagerly inhaling your secondhand smoke.
I'm afraid I'll waste away like this.
I'm afraid I feel helpless.
I feel trapped in you.
I'm afraid.

I think I'm losing you, but I will never regret choosing you
Because I am in love, and for now that will be enough
And the ones around me convince me that I was the only person who was dumb enough to believe that you and I had hope.
But now I know even after you began to let your emotions slow the only reason I stood alone was because I was the only one who knew our love was never going to let go.

Everyone wanted me to see that we could not thrive, so gouge out my eyes.
Because if this is reality then I guess I'm not alive,
Because I don't know a life in where I can't make things right.
And when life teaches you to drive and you finally say goodbye
And you won't let me stand by your side
Ill know that though some feelings are hurt, none will have died.
Cause I used to stay up at night and picture myself looking into your eyes
Shouting as you would sigh “how dare you think you can fall asleep with water dripping from the kitchen sink, how dare you think you can fall asleep with all these little leaks in this home we built in our dreams”

A picture is worth a thousand words or whatever people say to me.
It's hard to believe when your mind is lost and in need,
And all you can picture is a memory inside of someone else's sheets.
A prayer that nothing will keep,
A hope that light will seek before the dark sinks too deep.
Or at least the sinking feeling inside of me will decrease when the release of perceived dreams burn in the flame of feeling free.
So feel free to be free if that's what you need.

And if someday you feel alone and everything caves in when you try to breathe,
Know that you are not alone as far as I can see,
Because you were everything to me.
Through this I have realized that if I were God we would have all just died,
Because darling you were mine and now I feel so dead inside,
And what good am I if all I can create is a projection of my own mind.
A dream of finding time to remind you that I'm still here and I'm not fine.
And darling if you're going to leave just remember who you are,
And do what you can to remember me.

Maybe someday we can talk about our past and we can talk about the weather.
Whenever you leave I don't care what I'm remembered for,
I just want to be remembered.
Because even if I failed you at least I tried,
And maybe our lives don't add up now but someday our graves will look the same when we both die.
And if I had a chance I'd give you one last kiss and I'd bite down on your lip
And I'd try to puncture it so you'll never forget that time,
But you'll always regret.
And darling I know sometimes life will take a turn for the worst,
And sometimes life will even hurt.
And I know some days, some days you'll be afraid of the lessons you'll have to learn
And some days you'll even feel burned,
And I want to let you know that I want to love you through them.

But I always get what I deserve.

"I'm so OCD"
OCD isn't a joke.
Washing your hands over and over again until your skin is raw isn't a joke.
Doing things that your brain tells you to do, regardless of what, isn't funny.
Not having control is not a joke.

"You look so anorexic."
Eating disorders are not a joke.
Refusing to eat until it kills you isn't a joke.
Throwing up over and over again to get a body that you will never be happy with isn't funny.
Being control by the one thing that makes you feel like you have control isn't a joke.

"That made me so depressed."
Chemical imbalances in the brain isn't a joke.
Wanting to do nothing all the time isn't funny.
Wanting to die all the time isn't a joke.

Stop making jokes about things you don't understand.

And if you are dealing with any eating or mental disorder, I am so proud of you for still being here and staying strong. I know how hard recovery is. You will overcome it.

I've learned a lot in my life. I learned that sometimes all you can do is forgive. I learned that people are not homes and if you make a home out of a person then that's when things start going wrong. I learned that sometimes your best friends aren't the best friends for you. Sometimes you need to accept that and just move on. I learned that it's not about whose been there the longest. Sometimes someone will come into your life. No, not come. Run. Jump.  And sometimes they finally knock some sense into you. I learned that people can't make you happy. Money can't make you happy. Even God can't make you happy. And YOU can make yourself happy. I learned to stop complaining about things you need to do because it takes less time to just do it. I learned to appreciate the small things before they become all you need. Sometimes people that you think will stay will leave. Sometimes people you think will leave will stay. People will always hate you for being you. They will hate you for fitting in or standing out. They will hate you if you're skinny or if your fat or if your tall or if your short or if you wear makeup or if you don't wear makeup. So just be you and live. Because this is your life and it's ending seconds at a time.

I remember reading your last letter
You told me your life felt different, you didn't know who you were anymore
You said the clouds didn't remind you of serenity anymore
You said the ocean didn't speak to you the way it used to
You said the coffee was more bitter than it used to be
You said my eyes looked different and you didn't like how that made you feel
You said I took you for granted, which is probably true
But oh God, when you left you took me with you...
I hate looking at myself in the mirror now, because I now see how much uglier I look without your arms around my waist
I hate waking up because it's another day I woke up without waking up to you.
Now all coffee tastes the same. It all tastes like your lips in the morning.
I go to sleep and pray that if there is a God, could (s)he take me to you.

But the truth is that even though you're gone I still feel like you're here.
I drive past our coffee shop and you're there.
I do math homework (your favorite subject) and you're there
I talk to your other friends and you're there.
I saw your mom at the grocery store and oh God there was so much of you in her. (or maybe vice versa)
Honestly I'm falling apart every single day. Every day.

I miss your jokes so much.
I miss how you'd get mad when I asked you to  repeat things.
I miss you making fun of me.

But now these walls are closing me in and I need to get out before I'm stuck in this black hole of my thoughts of you.
Stop suffocating me.
Stay away.
Because every time I hear our song it feels like I lost you again.
And I keep seeing you in my sleep.
This is the last time I will write you.
Let me move on.

I see those flowers sitting on the table. And all your pictures are face down so I don't have to be reminded. I called you and you didn't answer and I know I shouldn't be so surprised but I can't help it. I leave another message in hopes that you'll call me back. And all I know is the story that you left me with.

It all started on a day in October, the day before my birthday. You came up behind me and started playing with my hair. We barely knew each other. But just a few hours later we were on a bus holding hands in complete silence. It was awkward but nice. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt like that. We spent the next few months learning each other's favorite bands and what kind of coffee we liked. I learned that you used to deal with anxiety and you love iron man, and you learned why I'm scared of the dark and why Christmas is my favorite holiday. We let each other in.  

I remember when we were in the car and you were sad so I wrapped my arms around you for the next two hours and we fell asleep and I remember thinking it was alittle backwards but I also thought to myself I didn't know this kind of happiness was even possible and whenever we woke up you smiled and I laughed and it was all great in our little world.

I remember the day we went to the mall and you really wanted to take me to this weird restaurant and I said okay but I forgot my wallet and felt really bad when you handed me your card because you paid for breakfast and I felt like it put me in more debt because I was lucky just to be in the presence of the best person I'd ever met. My world became bearable when it combined with your world.

Now I think about all that we could've been and how easily it could've worked. But now you're there and I'm here and it's really not fair to be in love with you. Distance has really put a strain on our relationship and I see those flowers sitting on the table and I take them. I take them to that stone engraved with your name on it. All I know is that you don't know long distance until you're in love with a boy 6 feet underground.

Put down that blade.
Put down that bottle or pills.
Don't you dare tie that rope.
Please stop.
I know you think you don't matter.
I know these days are getting hard.
I know you feel like God gets pleasure out of messing up your life.
I know you think no one will care, but you're wrong.
You're smart.
You're attractive.
You're funny.
You're weird but the best people are.
You're body is perfect the way it is.
You are not defined by your grades, your acne, your clothes, the scale, your imperfections.
You are beautiful and valuable and amazing whether you think you are or not.
If you are looking for a sign to stay, let this be it.
Please stop. Stay here and breathe and love life because your body loves you, feel your heart, your body loves you enough to keep it pumping.
So drink your favorite tea and go to sleep to your favorite movie in your favorite PJ's and wake up tomorrow and smile because you are still alive and you have so much to live for.
You will make it.
Stay here.

Merry Christmas.
I still miss you so much.
I know you hate that casket because your claustrophobic and it makes me sick that you have to be in there forever.
I hope God gives you that book you always talked about, and how much you wanted it.
If I'm being honest I was going to get it for you for Christmas but I never got the chance.
I hope God gives it to you.
All I want this year is you just 6 feet closer and for your cheeks to be red from life again.
The distance is still too much for me. 6 feet has never felt so far.

You said you loved me but I don't think you know what that means

What kind of love would leave me on the ground in your tshirt with teary eyes?
What kind of love would listen to twenty seven (literally twenty seven) voicemails of me crying and begging you to reply and not respond to a single one?
What kind of love would kiss me today and leave me tomorrow?
What kind of love would listen to my past without the intention of being in future?
What kind of love would just let go?

You said forever but I don't think you know what that means

He hits you.
Apologizes.
Says he loves you.
You forgive him.
He hits you again.
Says it was an accident and he loves you.
You forgive him.
He hits you out of habit now.
He makes you feel like nothing.
But he says he loves you.
And now you don't know what love means anymore.

Dear boy with the soft voice,
your touch still lingers on my body.
your voice is still my favorite song.
But every song eventually ends.
and your miles away and out reach.
I miss you.
I'm sitting in your favorite coffee shop.
I can still taste your lips.
The coffee isn't strong enough.
Come back darling.

With love, (and many tears)
Me

P.S you're right. Adding vanilla does make the coffee better.

Christmas is not the same anymore.
I have to buy flowers instead of the watch you wanted.
Christmas became different when you hung from that rope
and God I don't think I can ever eat another christmas cookie, go to a Christmas party, or open a present without remembering that you're lifeless and covered in dirt.

There was this moment in the midst of all tears and hurt that I finally felt what I tried to avoid feeling in the first place. Regret.
There was this moment when I thought to myself, "He is it. He is the one I've been waiting for this whole time."
And I let that go. How could I let him go?
How could I have not seen?
He is the one, but I think it's too late now.

Stop.
He's not a bad man.
He made a mistake.
Stop.
He drank one too many.
He loves you, mom.
It was an accident.
He didn't mean it.
Stop.
Look at my arms, mom.
The bruise healed.
He just lost control.
Stop
I know he loves me.
He loves you too, mom.
He's still my dad.
I know he still cares.
HE DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ME
IT DIDN'T EVEN HURT THAT BAD
SEE? I'M FINE.
HE'S STILL HERE.
HE NEVER REALLY LEFT.
HE TOOK ME FOR ICE CREAM.
I SWEAR TO GOD IT HAPPENED.
I SWEAR IT HAPPENED.
I SWEAR.
HE'S OKAY NOW.
HE'S BETTER.
STOP.
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.
STOP HATING YOURSELF.
HE'S NOT A BAD PERSON.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.
I SWEAR.
I SWEAR TO GOD HE'S A GOOD MAN.
STOP!
**STOP!!!!

I woke up and I'm still suffocating
Oh God please give me space

Moving on feels like getting out of bed earlier than usual.
Moving on feels like going back inside that coffee shop for the first time.
It's dancing in your pjs while getting ready for school again.
It's eating vanilla flavored ice cream even though that's what he tasted like.
It's hanging the pictures back on the wall.
It's saying his name without getting knots in your stomach.
It's seeing the beauty in seasons changing.
It's not feeling guilty for smiling at that guy in your physics class.
It's going back to church.
It's looking in the mirror and not seeing regret.
It's recognizing that each breath is another reminder that you made it.
You made it.
*You made it through

The song we once loved now a funeral song.
The sweater you used to wear when it was cold can no longer keep you warm.
The last voicemail I left just a cry for help that will never be heard.
The words I needed to say are locked in a safe that no one knows the combination too.
This feeling of regret drowns me like the time my father threw me in the pool to teach me how to swim.
The taste of coffee on my lips can never rid the taste of your mouth.
My heart is beating in a monotone tempo. It doesn't skip beats anymore.
My stomach only handles nothing.
My body feels less and less everyday.
The empty bottles are speaking for themselves.
I don't want to live like this.
I don't want to live at all.

A TYPE OF LOVE THAT MAKES ME TYPE IN ALL CAPS
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN ED SHEERAN SONG
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT HAS ME SINGING IN THE SHOWER AGAIN
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT I TALK ABOUT TOO MUCH
A TYPE OF LOVE THAT IS MORE THAN JUST BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH

I just don't understand how you could use me to do your work,
to lead your people,
to shine your light,
when I'm not even worthy to be in the same room with you.
When you are the light
the shepherd
the savior of all the world.
the creator.
you are love and grace
you are life and death at the same time
you aren't the absence of darkness, darkness is the absence of you.

My heart isn't clean God. How could you use me?
My heart is shattered by the world. How could you use me to lead the world?
My heart is dark, hidden by laughter. How could you use me to show your steadfast love.

*I'm empty, God.
Please hold me close in your arms until there's none of me.
Only you.