As long as I'm awake
It's just a dream.
A bad dream that
I can wake up from.

As long as I'm awake
None of this happened
And I can wake up
In the world I once lived in.

Paradoxically,
If I sleep
It all becomes real.

Today I am confused.
One of my closest friends
Fell for the girl I like.
I told him
Every time I felt anything.
Every time my heart hurt
Every time it burned.
And he?
Ignored me.
Played me.
Betrayed me.
And left me
Clutching a bottle
Wondering
Where the ****
I went wrong.

When a pen's point touches paper,
The ink spreads out,
The page bends around your words,
As you mark the page forever.
With computers, every word is written,
Removed,
And rewritten.
With a tap you can delete
Your words,
Your mistakes,
Your regrets,
Everything.
But you can never take back ink.
The drop can never go back into the pen.
The paper will never again be white
Or perfectly smooth again.
You can't delete pen.

When I see your face,
It doesn't just take up space.
Everything fades away,
And you take my breathe away.
When you come near,
Everything disappears,
And its everything I can do
Not to reach out and hold you.
When I shut my eyes,
Your face is the only thing I see.
Your hair blots out the world
As you lean in to kiss me.

There are many things that we all want to do
And there are just as many people pretending that they have this
Magic wand that they can wave and
Just like that
My problems will
Disappear.

I feel cheated
I think my entire generation should feel cheated
By the false prophets of the world.
Those people who promised to take away my worries
With a special pill
Or formula
Or if you just subscribe
We'll help you feel all better.

I grew up with technology burgeoning at my fingertips.
I learned that if I phrased my questions in just the right way
I could Google my way to greatness.
I grew up thinking there really were shortcuts to life.
That if I found the right course,
The right document,
The right video,
The right word
I could just make all my worries disappear.

Today I feel sadness
Because I realize that the road ahead of me
The one I thought was perfect for me
Is hard work
And I want to quit it.
I can't put in a hard day's work
And the problem is I don't know
How to fix that.
There's no secret guide,
No Buddhist meditation technique
No magic Brazillian pill
No short cut
To learning the power of hard work.
But I'm scared that I'll just learn how to avoid it
Again.

I dislike any question that begins with "How do you".
Not because the question is wrong
Nor is the questioner for trying to obtain the knowledge they do not currently have.
Instead, what I dislike is the idea that someone else has supreme knowledge on a subject.
"How do you tie a tie"
As if there's only one way.
"How do you make salsa"
Depends on how spicy you want it.
"How do you become happy"

You see everyone has their own answers to these questions.
Everyone thinks they are right because, to them, they are.
There are subjectively correct ways to do everything
But there's never an objective right or wrong.
Some ways might be more or less right
But never flat out right or wrong.
Because you see it's in the eye of the beholder.

However, my view of this isn't always shared.
Some people think that their way really is right
And that's a dangerous mentality to have.
Because when you tell me that my salsa is actually incorrect
Or my tie needs just another tug to make it your perfect
You ruin my own.
My things then become yours and suddenly we all slowly become
Less and less
Us.

I dislike the question "How do you"
Because when I ask how someone else does something,
I feel as if I lose a little bit of myself along the way.

New year, I said.
New place, I said.
New me, I said.
New sheets, I got.
New strings, I played.
New food, I ate.
New me, I felt.
But,
Trees are still tall,
Grass is still green,
The sky is still blue,
And you're still
The first thing I think when I wake up,
And the last thing I think about when I sleep.
And I slowly realize
Nothing is really different.

So much of my life has been spent
With my head down,
At a fourty five degree angle
Pointed at a couple inches of glass.
And I just loved it so much.
And what's not to love?
The entire world is at my fingertips, right?
My friends are just 140 characters away, right?
I need to be able to tell everyone
Just how awesome that pumpkin spice latte is, right?
I have 398 likes your last upload,
So everyone loves me
Right?
So, I decided to turn my phone to grayscale
To remind me to look up.
And I can say with certainty,
It has changed me.
No longer can I sit idly by watching videos on my phone.
No longer can I just scroll through Facebook
Ignoring those faces around me every day.
Not because I don't find it interesting anymore.
More than anything,
I finally realized
Just how dull and uninteresting my phone is
Compared to the colors in the real world.
In life.

Live Life In **Color.

Sometimes it's okay to be wrong.
It's okay to not be
The smartest,
The funniest,
The most well-adjusted.
It's okay to be
Broken,
Hurt,
Sad.
Because it's not about how you are now
But about where you're going to go next.

Life is about
Nothing and everything;
Decisiveness and indecision;
Stagnating and flying.
It's about how everything is possible.
Everything.

So if you're
Broken,
Sad,
Or hurt,
You can be
Fixed,
Happy,
Whole.
It might not be easy.
There might be days you think you walked down the wrong path.
But you didn't.
Because every path is the right path.
Because every path is the path you need to be on
To be here.
To be you.
And you are pretty special.
More than anything,
You are special to me.

Why am I so afraid of being vulnerable?
Of leaving my heart to bare
Because of the pain I may endure?
The love I may not get?
The ridicule?
The confusion?
The awkwardness?
The awkwardness...
The ******* awkwardness.
Or perhaps, it is maybe something else?
Maybe
Maybe the fear that this moment
This perfect moment I hold here
Might be lost if I say
Hey
I like you.

But then again.
Maybe not.

This skin feels just one size too small.
When I try to stretch,
It holds me back.
I find my arms and legs are still bent,
Just waiting until they can really extend
Out into the world
Grabbing what they want,
Running where they want.
Waiting till they are
Free.

If I lie down I give up
I accept the truth
As it has been laid out for me
The idea that my future is not my own.

If I lie down
The day is done
And I can no longer fight this.

If I lie down
It's over
It's all over.

But I'm so tired.

It takes a lot for me to trust a person.
But not a lot for me to be loyal.
I'm always willing to hold a person's life in my hands,
But seldom will I let someone hold mine.
I'm always willing to listen to someone,
But seldom willing to talk.
I don't trust people often
And it's because I don't trust
My opinions,
My decisions,
My emotions,
Myself.