I’m lost in my own mind
Looking for a way out;
       p
U
D
     o
          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
It’s a dead end;
I keep running into WALLS
Made of stone and brick…
Layer upon layer;
Stack upon stack…
I see the top getting closer…
Closer…
Closer…
But I haven’t reached it yet…
When will it end?
Will I see the light?
Tomorrow is a new beginning
Maybe that’ll finally be the day I escape…
A new dawn starts…
…
…
…
I’m still looking for a way out:
       p
U
D
     o
          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
Reaching the end
Running into WALLS
It’s started again…
When will this the end?

Death
the final vacation,
destination unknown.
I just hope its all inclusive,
I left my wallet
in my other suit.

the days are getting longer or shorter
the distinction is no longer clear
not when my time ticks on moments of you
as though i were an untried schoolgirl
on the cusp of adventure
a precipice of folly and recklessness
or the tattered bridge of my vows
and yet i forge on downwards
chasing a light only i can see
flickering in the bowels of my longlost dreams
perhaps there is a road at the end
wide enough to carry us
until then it's only my tail i'm chasing

This pain is so unbearable,
I'm writing on my skin.
My whole arm feels numb,
I didn't think it'd get this bad again.
I'm painting with my wrist,
In only the color red.
Because each deep little thought,
Can only come out unsaid.

My mind is so twisted,
I'm mixing lies with facts.
I'm not sure who to trust.
My heart or my head.
They're spinning me around,
As if it's life or death.
Each direction will cause pain,
But somehow,
One will still bring something to gain.

Can't. Won't. Will not.
I see you there. My weakness.
You aren't always there. You pick
And You choose.
Heart bump. Instagram. Dread.
Same old game. Can't grow up. Can not move on. You're always there. Waiting.
Apathy. Desire. Fear. Loathing.
A cycle of reincarnation. An atheist Buddha. The same life. Feeling new by it's blistening intensity. Just raw.
Festering and sterile.
I do blame You. For everything. But I won't walk away from You. Depression is obsession.  I'm consumed by You.
Cold. Can't see. Can't think. Blood moving eerily. Playing Axis and allies. Can't speak.
You hit me the morning after. I don't like myself. I'm late for work. Again. I dissapointed my Father. Again. I Made bad decisions. Again. Even this sick soliloquy, is  no therapy for me anymore. You watch me. You'll stay for a while. Your face is painfully expressionless. Your eyes dull. You'll be back again. Like the cold winds and goosebumps. One leading to another. Fading, for only a while. If I make it this time I'll see you on the other side.
And if not, at least I'll, go in the light. Even if hell fire is all I right.
Maybe You'll be there waiting. And you won't ever go. I'd miss you. I'd miss you so.

My heart is in pain
I feel like nothing can be the same
Just be shattered to pieces
Not not even take care make the parts heal
Nobody understands what I feel
They think that my heart is made of steel
My heart says that I should build walls protect my heart from getting holes
The problem is my heart is giving and cannot be protected I give my heart to the people I think need my support
But the people just threw me out just like dirt
All they care about is someone to support them not caring about the other person what he feels or what's his pain
Sometimes I feel death is merciful than
What's the point
You tell me
Is it fair to live in pain and all you feel is despair
Ooh heart ooh heart
Sorry but this is a choice you gotta make live in pain but please who you can
Fake your laughter and show no pain I never share what you really feel.

The doctor sat before me
Said "Take your trousers off"
She reached inside my boxers
"now , turn your head and cough"

I thought this little grabfest
With her hand upon my kit
Was a little south of normal
But, I stood and did my bit

She asked me a few questions
And now me....getting rather terse
Said" I went through this already"
"out front talking to the nurse"

"I'm not sure what you're doing"
"And I do not think it's right"
"Get your hand out of my trousers"
"I'm just here to fix the light!"

Your presence is tangible
Across the vast expanse
Yet, I hear not your voice
I feel not your longing
Mine, is the only heart I hear
Alone, for the first time in eternity
Alone, wrapped in your essence
Just a whisper of warmth
A choice all your own
To be alone
A choice that you have forgotten
Includes me
For we flow throughout each other
Still, here we are
I feel you trying not to feel me
And I close my eyes
Praying death over a life that begins here
And ends without you
'tis not a choice could I make
'tis not a life...alone