When someone
is reckless with
your heart
and it breaks and it shatters
in ways
you never thought it could,
you have known
only one type
of heartbreak.

The second
lies when you
are reckless
with another's heart
because you'll never
know pain
like the type when
you look into their eyes
but they
look away.

And the third
is the worst kind
that comes along
when you have to watch
the person you love
be happy
with another.

          [E.]

A heart pounds in my ears,
It throbs through my fingers,
Its intensity is terrifying,
I breathe in, I breathe out: One. Two. Three. Four.

My thoughts are overwhelming,
They are negative and dark,
They have no real substance,
I breathe in, I breathe out: One. Two. Three. Four.

A need for release is imminent,
An urgent call with an unspoken answer,
A desperate need for a moment of peace,
I breathe in, I breathe out: One. Two. Three. Four.

Careless wandering is a blissful dream,
A moment in time stolen,
My ignorance has faded,
I breathe in, I breathe out: One. Two. Three. Four.

Beauty has left my awareness,
Love is naught more than painful memory,
Meaning has slipped through my trembling grasp,
I breathe in, I breathe out: One. Two. Three. Four.


One. Two. Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.
One. Two. Three. Four.

I wonder how many times you have climbed into a tub and thought,
"Wow maybe I could drown in hopes of escaping my life."
I dont know how many of you have thought that but let's just say a few.
One: I step into the tub with my left foot and the water is immensely warm.
Downing pills couldn't be that bad right now.
Maybe I could grab the bottle without anybody noticing.
I wonder if I could make my own concoction of medicine would suffice.
Concoction is a funny word.
Two: I step in with my right foot and everything is tingling from the heat.
If I charge my phone from the plug over there by the sink,
Could I electrocute myself?
I wonder how bad electrocution hurts.
Deep fried food would be nice right now.
Three: I sink into the tub and pull my knees to my chest.
if I lay back now and fight myself from breathing,
Could I do it?
I wonder how long it takes somebody to drown themselves in a tub while fighting their instinct to survive.
I could adapt and grow gills.
Four: I lay back into my tub and watch the water rise.
The water is warm and my body is heavy.
I can't **** myself because my headstone will be something sad,
My funeral will play music I'll hate listening to as a ghost,
People I don't even know will show up.
What if my ex shows up?
Five: I sink lower into the water until I can no longer hear clearly and it tickles the side of my eyes.
What's the point in breathing.
Breathing is so weird.
Why do I have to maintain a body that's going to die anyways?
I wonder what dying feels like.
Six: I've been in here for an hour. Maybe I should get out.
This water has turned mildly lukewarm.
I'd like to stay but I'm getting kinda cold and I like the warmth.
Could I just empty half and add more hot water?
I am sitting in a pool of my own dirt.
Great.
Seven: I'm climbing out while simultaneously pulling the stopper.
Theres so many different ways to say that you or somebody is dying;
Kick the bucket.
Pull the plug.
One foot in the grave.
Bite the dust.
Croak.
Some of them are kinda funny.
Eight: Realizing that I love baths but hate the thoughts that come with the quiet bathroom.
I'm exhausted.
The mental kind of exhausted.
Can I stop now?
Can I just lay down and close my eyes?
My anxiety is overworking me.
Nine: I open my door with a stiff towel and a cold room.
I love the quiet but the quiet kills.
I love my mind yet the way it works is poisonous to me.
Ten: Nothing.
Sitting.
Alone.
In my empty bedroom.

And i knew
i was completely ruined
when the sight of your
eyes started to make me
weak at the knees.
i started to memorize
each curl at the
nape of your neck.
i promised myself
i wouldn't let this happen,
but we all know i'm weak for
the things that don't need me.