With nothing to do,
With nowhere to roam around,
With being forced to confine yourselves,

Just digging into the past,
Digging up old memories
That's what the pandemic is
Allowing us to do...

the way you stand in the mirror
with eyes full of tears

because in the wrong lighting
you so easily declare yourself frightening

claiming no one, not even yourself could love you
but it's a scary thing when they say they feel it too

not knowing how much you actually care for them they so
easily say the same thing you do

breaking your heart slowly
and unknowingly

you tell her I hate you
and without hesitation, she repeats, I hate you too

Is everything the way you thought before?
Has nothing changed,
The lessons learnt
Forgotten the very next day?
Is perspective still the same way
The memory is disappearing
Life is moving on
Time won't slow down
Am i still the old me,
I dont feel changed at all.

Dear Adam,
We have gone from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other for months. From only being 20 miles away from you to being 1,570 miles away from you. From sleeping next to you pretty much every night to sleeping next to an empty space, always waiting for you. From being each others best friend to being each others biggest enemy.
We have been through it all, together.

We've gone through stages of pure bliss. Where seeing you all day everyday isn't enough. Where I can't kiss you enough or show my appreciation to you enough. To going through stages of constant fighting. Where everything you say or do is wrong.
We have gone through it all, together.

We have survived you leaving. Those 8 long weeks of only being able to write while you were at basic. We have survived through countless arguments. We have survived the heartache of missing someone so much for so long. We have survived all the bad memories from my past and all of my anxiety attacks. We have survived through my stages of depression. Where I can barely get myself to get up and get out of bed.
We have survived it all, together.

I know that I am not perfect and that neither are you. But I believe that together, everything is perfectly imperfect. I believe that together we can make it through anything that life decides to throw our way. I believe that together we are stronger than anything else in this world. I believe in us.
Because together, we are perfect.

just let me suffer alone
I’ve done it before
I’ll sit all alone on the bathroom floor,
I’ll leave all the doors closed.

I don’t want to be seen,
on the fourth day of no shower
I don’t to be seen
when I can’t move or scream

I do not want you to worry
don’t bother to check in
I’ll be a mess that belongs in the bin
do keep your eyes of me, keep your eyes blurry

So leave your worry here and leave
but please do not grieve
you do all you can
but in the end it was my hand

It is so hard to watch you leave.
Especially,
when you turn away
without saying a word.
It feels as if someone has stabbed
through my heart with a sword.
I can’t breathe, it is as if someone
is breathing the life out of me.
I want to break free
but I am too weak.
I am too frail to even try and fight.
This feeling is sickening
and it is filling my heart with grief.
A grief that I didn’t know existed
till I saw you leave.
I see your hands touch the door ****
and I want to scream your name,
but all I can do is sit and watch.
No, I can’t watch!
I can’t watch you leave
because it fills my heart with grief.
Instead I will turn my back on you
and let you go.

Free will has brought us here,
brought me here,
all the result of breathing.

A consequence from arrogance.
A consequence from alcohol (But not me).
A consequence of neglect.

A consequence of the unknown
explosion at any given moment
from my mother when we
were young.

My developed response
a fight or flight my whole life,
the pathway so deep
a bottom doesn't exist.

Like a deep sea diver
the lower I go
the darker it becomes.

Claustrophobia and panic  
are almost certain.

Breathing
becomes more difficult

and returning to the surface
takes slow and steady patience.

I've only gone so deep.

How much further I might go I do not know.

I'm terrified to think what might be down there.

The thought of meeting the unknown face to face is
a fight I fight everyday.

They tell me that fighting gives it strength,
it would be better to befriend it.

I try but

its hard to make friends
in the dark.