She stood in the mist,
waiting for him.

Always in the same place.
He always asks the same question,
"What do you want me to do?"
She never answered.
She couldn't.

All she could do was stare,
reaching toward him with her gaze alone,
pulling him down in the sorrow of those depthless black pools.

That crazy little thing. 
Have you ever been so attracted to someone that you can't even fully look at them. 

Not like you can't look at them like glance at them but you can't rely look at them. For when u pass at just even near them the connection is so strong, so deep that you feel as if everything moves in slow motion for the fear of the electricity sparking and making a new current. 

Eye contact is literally so dangerously impossible for the fear of exposing your soul's window and the curtain being left opened has made you tangled and enraptured so vulnerably not only lost in your transparency but also in how willing you are to be seen and to see the deepest most intense free side of someone. 
Have you ever had a small chance to be with this person. Where all the intimacy of souls and the electrical current could have been placed to start a fire that would have burned for energy and warmth. But instead of being the carpe to the diem you waited and avoided and lost that moment.

I keep meaning to give you
all the letters that I
wrote
and to
resist
this restraint, my hand holding onto
the paper
of the words
I almost told you,
felt the need to tell you,
in the silhouette of
candle flame and
sitting alone.

I'm so courageous when I'm
by myself,
and when I know what my lungs
feel like
what my fingers feel like, pinching a
pen to tell you, wholeheartedly,
the things I
will not say

I keep meaning to give you the letters
I wrote you,
I wrote you my secret and

a secret is a loss
that feels like an
ephemeral
victory

I'm tired...
Not the I can't do it,
The i'm done kind of tired...
It's much more complicated...
Imagine a train that runs on dreams
Faith, trust, pixie dust and sunbeams...
What do you fathom would happen
If one day,
It ran out of steam
perhaps like a grandfather clock
one with no tick to its tock
It wouldn't chime on any hour
And the metronome would stop...
So just like any other dead clock
It will not move for its time has stopped
Logical that maybe
But this dream fueled train i speak of...
It's actually me..
My once roaring engine is now cu-put
And the fueling room is empty,
I already burnt the soot
But regardless i still have to move forward
By any means necessary..
So i strip away my accessories
And tear out some useful necessities
I feed them all to the fire
Call me a cannibal if you want
I guess that's what it would seem
Maybe this is what they meant
By nothing ever comes freely
Even enduring has a price...
But i'm still not moving yet...
So i reverse engineer my locomotive of dreams
And covert the power source to my apparently abundant screams
They say that pain is a gate way
To some where that's green
I guess they got it wrong
You're  used like a machine
Sure, you're going forward,
At less than a steady pace,
I'd rather stay still and stuck forever
Than cringe at my own  sullen face
But people cheer on
"Keep going!!! You're almost there!!!"
I whisper, quietly erased...
"I can't afford to.. I have nothing left to spare"
I really thought i'd get some where...
I tried..
I cared..
Even if you want to roll again..
This game of life still isn't fair...
So with my dreams expired
And my resolve retired...
I fall off the tracks and sigh
"I'm tired..."
" So very, very tired..."

Determined
          to leave
she gathered
up her
things, keys
& a coat, a
quick note
    explaining
why she had
          to go,
but the 
finality of the
scene gave
       the bleak
view a
different hue,
         the sun
through
glass shone
brighter, the
               sky
appeared
several
        shades
lighter, the
once
      silent
      meadows
called out in
       unison
to be walked
           upon,
the
    flowers
whispered
   to her to
        hold on.

i hope you get into medical school
so all i have to do is eat an apple everyday

i hope you always have money to buy extra bread-sticks
but never the self control stop eating them

i hope your 15 seconds of fame falls on daylight savings

i hope you never avoid movie or tv spoilers  

i hope your children are loved and cared for
but have their hearts broken by mine

i hope you always anticipate a surprise birthday party

i hope you always wake well rested
3 hours late for work

i hope you dance in the metaphoric rain
and catch metaphoric pneumonia

i hope your next thanksgiving is spent in an airport

i hope you are mildly inconvenienced every morning

i hope all your book pages stick together

i hope that you always will question if you left your oven on

i hope your future roommates always use all the hot water

i hope you always find the words to say
but never the right time to say them

i hope you never figure out how to pick a ripe avocado

i hope all your dinners are directly impacted
by the fickle nature of a toaster oven

i hope your curiosity gets the better of you
and you find out what cat food tastes like

i hope your favorite band breaks up
and you miss their kick *** reunion tour

i hope you watch an unhealthy amount of daytime tv

i hope you outlive me on the off chance that your paper boy will miraculously skip your house on the day my obituary is printed
because nothing would make my ghost happier to know
that you were forced to find out after  literally everyone else that
i passed away in my sleep surrounded by people who loved me
while you sat in your house old grey never thinking of me until you
read some 50 words in a newspaper and even if its for a second i want you to wonder what kind of life i had because you will have had no part in it.

d'you know what m8
i cant ******* stand being alive anymore
i don't know what to do with my time
i have no one at all
i am small and hurt and this world doesn't love me
******* hell man i need to be so ****** that I'm not me anymore
fukn ell man i hate myself and my life and every person i know
lord do i want to never have existed and I'm obviously scared of everything and what the **** does it mean to be brave does it mean to be stupid does it mean to be normal does it mean to feel anything that isn't loss or ache or emptiness or bone numbing p.a.i.n