I'm sitting here thinking about my life as my homies take it turned shooting dope.

This addiction is bad
This injection will change your life is everything and nothing as well as unexplainable it's like being stabbed with a knife a million time.

A very my whole body inside and out I want to end it so bad it makes my mind feels so much doubt losing my mind losing control this specific drug
is the worst of its kind

The world around me is revolving slowly
While the people surrounding move faster & faster
As I am caught in between the fibers of time

Why am I here?
Do I even belong?

My only therapy is the songs I hear in my head.
My only medication is the drugs that make me wish I were dead.

I'm just a shell of my former self.
I'm not what I used to be.

It seems there's no resolution,
only an empty cell waiting for me in this institution.

Dear diary, please help me now.

There's only so much abuse I can inflict upon myself.

The cuts on my wrist, the empty bottle of pills
The lacerations on my fist, shaking from the anger still.

I've got my fix, each line getting me higher.
The only answer getting more apparent, as my lows keep climbing to the ladder.

My sanity escaping.
Depression creeping
As the ghost of death takes over me.

Oh diary, it seems it's goodbye to you and me.
It seems no matter what I do, the world isn't going to accept me.

I'll never belong.

I'll always be different.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I'll see you on the other side.

----------------------------

Dear diary, I'm an addict.

Yesterday was proof of concept.

Tomorrow is a death wish.

If I don't do something now,
I may never get to see the light of day.

Dear diary, please help me now.

Because I can't do this alone anymore.

Monkey's awake
Crawling on in
Just under the skin
He start to rake

Throw the switch
Hands start shaking
Feel the quaking
A growing itch

Self control wanes
He always wins
Know how it ends
With me not sane

He took the drugs to ease his physical pain
He took the drugs to deal with all the strain
He took the drugs now it's in his brain
He took the drugs now he's stuck in the sick and twisted game

You'll find him there within his room
You'll find him there with the needle and the spoon
You'll find him there where the darkness looms
You'll find him there for the pain always resumes

I'm scared one day I'll find him there............that awful shade of blue

(poet's side note: worse fear realized August 16th 2016)

Bit by bit I left subconsciously
Eating the same meal continuously;
Little did I know it was rotten
For I believed it was already broken;
Knowledge without interpretations killed me.

I found myself on a ride
Only to realize insanity was the driver
In my head the journey was to “sanity”
Not considering the promise of “purity”.
It didn’t take long and I was gone…

I believed the cure to my disease
Was my illness;
Losing all parts of me and those that
Make me up.
I gave away my sanity for insanity;
My soberness for drunkenness;
My emotional state for approval;
My physicality for adaptation;
I gave you my presence and you took
My dignity away from me.

Tears were involved, and so was blood.
Pain became my breakfast as anger
Was my supper.
My heart had to adjust its veins and arteries
Just to accommodate the pain, anger and hurt.

I sacrificed my being
To fit in your life.
You made me feel special
Until you framed someone in my own home
And then you told me “it was a game”

Besides the self-sacrifice I made,
You persecuted and intimidated me.
I wasn’t like this until I met you
You’ve always been that drug
That I was scared to attempt;
Until I tried you and you actually
Was sweet…
I had no reason to reject your sweetness
For I’m only allergic to bitterness
And that was the gown you had in
Your wardrobe but never wear.

I sold myself out and now I’m in debts.
I’m the one who needs rehab
For I’m the addict, and you’re only the drug.
You took my sanity and still
Came back for the insanity in me.
You basically want me empty handed
With you as my last resort.

I felt deprived of sweet things in life,
And you were always ready;
My eyes were open but closed;
My heart locked but open;
My knowledge was restricted;
And honestly I was gone.
I started not making sense
For I lost understanding of my actions and deeds.

Not only did I lose wisdom and knowledge
But MYSELF too.
The precious me that I always took care of,
The gorgeous me that appeared to only
Exist in my sanity of which I lost.
My capacity was overwhelmed by being overwhelmed;
I couldn’t stand the things against me
Hence I always took the easy route; and that
Being the destruction of the patience in me.

I fooled myself, I owe myself
An apology;
For my life was never my
Methodology.
It didn’t take long and I was gone…
How do I regain myself back,
And at what price?
I want “me” back, I miss “me”
Why did I sell myself so cheap,
For what visible benefits?
I fell for luxurious things
AND I WAS GONE!

I run to pretend
I drink to forget
I write to express
I smoke to find rest
I go out to digress

I run to pretend that 6 months have not past since you left
I drink to forget that they have
I write to express the pit manifesting inside me
I smoke to find rest in days that almost **** me
I  stay busy to digress from the truth that you don't miss me

The ground beneath her is shaking
Her world again is rearranging
The stars and moon are falling, crashing to the earth
The sun to light had given birth
But the sun imploded
Leaving no motive
So there she stands in the inky black nothing
Eye's wide open, but seeing not a thing
No voices, not even in her brain
It all happened so fast it was insane
One minute a beautiful blue sky day
The next it all lay in decay
Blackness so heavy it's hard to move
But slowly she makes her way, she finds a groove.
In her pocket she finds the pills
To cure the oppressive ills
She finds a place beside a dark shattered star
Lies down beside it, they both are marred
She thows her arm around it felling only coldness
But at lest to something it is closeness
For love brought on this destruction
So from the dark star she will get her fluxion
Because it will never leave her side
As long as she has money to buy

Just got back from Venus
It's a secret, don't ask how
I really mean it
You know, government and all

I am going to tell you though
Most of what I seen
Oh, remember that fella Elvis?
Yep, he's still the king

With a planet full of women
Big, short, skinny, long and tall
Brunette, red head, black and brown
Don't worry guys, there's plenty of blonds

Most men would call it heaven
And give their right arm as a witness
Flying there at any cost
Which brings me back to Elvis

You see Elvis was never much keen on
All of that fortune and fame
He did it all with a purpose
Allow me here to explain

Being a shy kid from the country
For entertainment he'd read comic books
Read one once about the Women of Venus
And that right there was all that it took

He borrowed an old beat up guitar
Figured he could make a few bucks
He'd build a rocket ship out in the barn
And leave on the day it was ready to launch

But alas fame and fortune took him by storm
As his music and charm did us
Being caught up in it all for years to come
He'd just have to wait for his trip to Venus

Of course over time it got overwhelming
As his mind ventured back to the ship
Down on the farm still hold up in the barn
The only solution...fake his own death

And that's where today you'll find him
Viva Las Venus my friend
Elvis in a world of women
Where he still reigns as king

Misconstrued and thrown about
Of want and need there is no doubt
Pull me close within your folds
Save me from the great unknown

Make my mind float away
Hush all my voices and what they say
Let my body heave one big sigh
Let me taste how it is to die

Your glossy nails sink into my veins
Let nothing remain the same
You are mine, I am yours
To my memories you close the doors

You are my friend, my confidant
You leave me without a single want
Except for more of you
Oh the beautiful things you can do

Until the time I must turn away
My body is begging me to stay
With sweat pouring out of every
pore
All I need is more and more
You drive me mental
For at first you are so gentle
You wore a poker face, no tell
Then you left me in the depths of hell

Eight pounds of thorough *******
split between two brothers of Zaragoza, Spain
the love for substance has lost all of it's hope
time for family split between hours of dope
there was a newborn with wings, without a full day
because the love for substance stood directly in the way.

He took the drugs to ease his physical pain
He took the drugs to deal with all the strain
He took the drugs now it's in his brain
He took the drugs now he's stuck in the sick and twisted game

You'll find him there within his room
You'll find him there with the needle and the spoon
You'll find him there where the darkness looms
You'll find him there for the pain always resumes

I'm scared one day I'll find him there............that awful shade of blue

The liquor  has taken over
I don't ever want to be sober
The view from this side is not the same
On this side everything looks sane
It takes a twisted view, to accepte this life
To have the strength to endure the strife
Just leave me on the steps of intoxication
It's the only way I can deal with my situation