The chances of winning the lottery is about 292 million to one
Subsequently the probability of exhausting your fortune
Back down to being broke is 70%
The odds of you becoming more broken than when you started thereafter is 100%
Getting something for nothing conflicts with the 1st Law of Thermodynamics
The problem herein is mindset
The brain is not ready to handle what it has not be trained to grasp
What you do not grasp you will lose
Every last bit
I know this
I have always flexed the left side of my brain far more than its counterpart
The world just makes more sense that way
In fact the world used to make a lot more sense until the day I met her
The brain she had drew strength from the right side
Creating the perfect yin to my yang
Her first name was an unbalanced equation
That my last name would be the answer to
How opposites attract is a study that used to fascinate me
But the laws of attraction will only work for so long
Until one body is acted upon by an unbalanced force
Trying to solve the riddle- I mean equation
That began at her lips left me crunching numbers
With my teeth on the back of her neck
The chances of me finding her were 292 million to one
I spent day after day after day joining my fingers-I mean digits, with hers
Crisscrossing two destinies- I’m sorry, years, into one lifetime
With the promise of forever, or infinity, on her tongue
Love- I mean dopamine, no!
I mean happiness, I mean the very cradle of divinity, no!
I mean biochemical *******, intersubjectivity, romantic singularity-

******* IT!

What I’m trying to say that is she took my tongue and taught it a new language
She showed me the irrelevancy of numbers and logistics
And replaced them with a black hat
She reached into and pulled the impossible out of  
In time, she would ask me to stick my hands in and see what I could find
But instead, I was pulled into a black hole sitting at the very bottom of it
Stretching the fabric of my neurons
Ripping my mind in half, the left side of me left forever
Leaving me with only the right, which is wrong
I have become something I do not know how to be
Feeling hot while cold, full while emptied, arrested while freed all at once
The unfamiliar became my everyday
The brain waves of love and insanity identical
Where hours melted to minutes
Until I was pulled out of that place by an by unknown hand
To meet an unfamiliar face, in a very strange world
I could see it in her eyes, reflecting mine back to me
That the world as I knew it no longer existed
The black and white of a once perfect ying and yang
Bleed fully onto each other to create a complete grayness
I took my chances, ignored the facts, swallowed by the impossible
Left broken on the other side of an equation that I was never ready to solve
Because I never realized that love and sadness could exist in the same space
How some days I can’t tell one feeling from the other
How some days I consider these feelings once came from nothing
How some days I wonder if I’ll ever make it back to who I was
And maybe, just maybe, I will find those broken pieces in the palm of her hand
So most days my eyes are shut tight
Still wishing for her hands to create a miracle and pull me out of this place
But would she even recognize me now?
Or will I only ever be a soft memory of the broken promise of forever?

My heart is full of silent screams
Of anger and of pain
My eyes are always filled with tears
Day, after day, after day
My hand reaches out for help
But all that’s there is empty air
So I fall down into darkness
Where no one can hear me wail
I feel like a wild beast
Locked inside a tight cage
I claw and tear at the walls
And show the entire world my rage
I shall never know the bliss
Of silence in my life
All I feel are the wounds
Made by a sharp knife

You forget there's a sky above
Birds don't chirp trees are few
Gone is the hamlet that shaped your love
For a blade of grass cries the morn dew.

Mesh of wires runs over the sky
Air is thick with the reek of petrol
Scare you the trucks heavily passing by
Dazedly you search for the village of the ole.

Here was the home your soul's green abode
Where winter was cold March sprightly Spring
Your feet ran the soil not dusty metaled road
Dreams soared high on boundless wide wing.

Now all around are the townsfolk on race
Ruthless pace crushing ole hamlet's peace
But so is fated by the wheels of progress
That shows the gain more than all that you miss.

your sadness is showing,
put it away.
no one wants to see
your depression today.

it's not time for that,
some might say,
its so unbecoming
to act that way.

your anxiety is showing,
tuck it in.
the world shows no interest
in what's under your skin.

take a deep breath,
that's where you begin,
or, that's what they say
with a pat and a grin.

your illness is showing,
keep it away.
no one is interested
in that anyway.

but by letting it fester,
and by letting it stay,
it might make me
disappear some day.

By loving you I learned to hate myself
In finding you I learned to lose myself
Eyes roll back into my head,
Decorated by ugly shades of red
Don't really know if I meant what I said,
If I'd rather be dead

Couldn't stop the shakes
Turned my tears into lakes
Trying to teach myself not to need you here
This is someone trying to disappear

Craving your careful stroke of my hair
That simple bliss so temporary

But in leaving you I've learned to need myself
And in forgetting you I've learned to be myself
They said life teaches you how to live it,
you just have to live long enough to get it

When the faithful
Became unfaithful
I lost faith

When the religious
Sinned irreligiously
I lost God

When lovers
Turned passion into hatred
I lost love

When death
Arrived early at the door
I lost life

What little I had left of myself
I gave away to you
But you lost that part of me too.

Living a life of a question mark
Long winding roads, dim and dark
Seconds, minutes, hours pass
I can’t decide, knowing nothing will last

Ifs, what ifs, chains who I am
Is this really me? Is this who I am?
Pink or blue, the color says you!
Does it really matter?
As long as you’re you!

Can I go gentle now in that little hole
Where I can no longer play any role
No doubts, no fear for this is who I am
This is me! This is me! This is who I am!

                                                            ­ - MKA