Incense and candle wax
Roaches and hookah haze
**** my panic attacks
Numb me into a daze

Guitar strings and piano keys
Gentle breeze and rustling trees
Whispering secrets to my soul
Filling the void patching the hole

Skinny jeans and baggy shirts
Long hair and gentle skin
It heals all of my hurt
The environment I am safe in

Your eyes and soft subtle smile
Content to just stay for awhile
Let my fingertips dance along your arms
Unaware of notifications and ringing alarms

This is my Heaven my Nirvana
My heart talking not the marijuana
You are my drug without the crash
Each passing moment gone in a flash

With you every second is a lifetime
Each one worth repeating
These are simple lines put in rhyme
I just want to feel your heart beating

I don't know where it came from
Maybe it was the unusual warm air in November
Or maybe it was the need to be known
But at the mention of you
Or the faint glow of another window
I'm spiraling back into:
Blood drive river bank lace your fingers into my hips
Cold air nausea never even been kissed
But don't you know I want you more than ever
Don't you know I'd like to try?
But I'm only everyone's open arms
And you're their American icon
Strolling through winter wheat
Blond, strong and smirking at me
And I'm hiding in my skin
Insecure and inexperienced and I know exactly why
Petrified at the thought of another drive home alone
Tender at the thought of trusting
Be gentle with me
Only after I'm bruised deep blue
Walk home with me
Only after the lights are shot out and you've faded back to gray
I have no stomach to explain passion and no armor to field my family's questions
Just the burn of my chest under my thin jacket
And the warmth of your hand on my skin
And I met you at the blood drive and I let you under my skin
Deep red they bled me dry as I gave you all I had within
I'm alive but I'm weakened
And you put the color back in my cheeks
And you supported me all the way home
So maybe I spiraled into this
Maybe I'm still scared from the nights spent sleeping alone
But in the warm November air
I'll let you in
Spiraling again.

I don't write about you anymore
 At least not like I used to.
I used to feel you through your veins
Used to know you as ingrained in the fabric of the earth
All saltwater and spit like the love you always wanted
Like the love you set on your brow
But I don't write about you anymore except when I'm trashed at three am
Sick of all your talk and the way you put on that shadow when you're begging to be seen
And I do.
I watch you and your perfect teeth talk **** across the room
You say you're happy when you're drunk but I know it isn't true
You're just happy to be apart of something that feels bigger than your skin
Petrified by infinity you don't let your finite nature sink in
You are a biproduct of your generation.
Pastel perfection and ****
Everyone's dream girl
Until you're alone with yourself
And I don't know which is sadder
the way you laugh just a little too loud when the joke wasn't that funny and wasn't directed at you
or the fact that I've been sitting on the floor for an hour and a half and the closest I can come to explaining how I feel is "*******
 you never knew me
and you never wanted to"
And it's all I can do to just be near to you at this point
Listen to your hot breath fill the room with bravado and your parents beliefs
You said that people should do whatever they want as long as they're happy
And then turned back around and voiced how concerned you were about your brother's new habits
Just as long as no one judges you or your drunk Snapchat stories you post with your new friends who you'll be tired of in 3 months time
Everything is temporary but nothing seems to stay constant with you
And sometimes I think about how I used you write about you
Your wide eyes and moon shaped face
Heart of the ocean I was reeling in the high tide but now I'm stuck on land again
And even if it seems strange I don't want to go back
Back to when I used to write this way
Back when I was interesting enough for you
I want to sit on the floor in front of you
Hear the words on your tongue
Watch the ivory of your teeth meet your forced smile
I want to be here right now and drink in every ******* drop of your apathy
So I can remind myself who Ill never be
And watch you disopate and collapse
So yeah
I don't write about you anymore
At least not in that way.

There is an immensity of life between us
in the cracks of the tar lining the streets of the new and the up and coming
in the cement foundations of  pieces of history torn down to make way for condos
in the luxury of the innocent
in the opulence of the well versed

(I was never brilliant or oblivious but I understood the weight of it still)
and still
there is life here
in the filthy river water we use to cleanse ourselves of modern day idealism
in the pedicured grass of the only wild space left in the city
in the eyes of the people who go unnoticed for years
in the hands of the business men devastating and deciding the price of our humanity
we swarm
we collect
we nest in this hive
we levitate and gravitate towards new heights and new highs
vowing to go up and over up and over until we revert back to the way we once were
nostalgia
a pretty word for dissatisfaction
tearing down walls only to romanticize their restriction ten years later
we build up to break down to reenforce what we already know
but yet there is a beyond
and yet still there is more
still there is life in the existential
still there in the thoughts between sleep and waking
still between the jump and the fall
still
and even still you take your forearm and run it along the curve of the earth surrounding this city
this coal eating monster washed with the dreams of a thousand drunkards looking for some other body to call home
and we call it home
with the austere buildings and mirror images reflecting bricks and soot
reflecting breath and sighs
reflecting life and death
and between it all
there is so much life
yes between us
there is an immensity of life.

We are biproducts of the same dust we were made of when we first began to exist
All the tiny mechanisms firing inside of us sending flashes of light contrasting with motor oil and ****
And I wonder where you are
cutting in red from the despondant blue cascading and coexisting with the atmosphere surrounging you
and as you light up you tell me that it's true
that even though I may feel it I don't need you
But we both know that I do
So we're out smoking in the backyard
Blunt hanging from your mouth like the icon that you are 
Sinewy and strong
But your own breath chases itself away from you and the feeling isn't far
The feeling that this,
This is all we are: meter and rhyme
And lately I've become increasingly aware of the pale in my skin
The ever present blush the need and fear to let the light in
The way that the clouds align with your eyes but I still get burned
You're dripping ash on me laughing you tell me lesson learned
You cant ever hold what you earned
So you hold me instead
And it's quiet lines chasing cars down the street
All the boulevards align with your ease and my crooked teeth
You tell me to love them anyway
You tell me what to do even if you don't know what to say
And I can't ******* breathe anymore
The garden is closing in
Flashing lights of neon green corresponding with red and blue along the arch of your skin
Tear me in two
While I tear into you
It'll all feel fine.