Did you know?
The emptiness that would follow
The tears failed to be swallowed,
Dark storms sailed captainless and rudderless while our gallows hallowed

The emotions that you caused
Happiness paused
Future dreams torn at seams like your vests and jeans my thoughts shadows taken over what your brightness gleamed

The wake you left
Shoulders you gave heft
The tissues you wrecked
The fears of death

But

Do you know the lives you touched
The songs you crushed
The love not rushed
Our emotions crutch

Do you know what you inspired
Me back to trying
Dogs being loved from desire
Stories of laughing not crying

I guess what I am trying to say
Is did you know what you meant to us, did you know what you meant to me.....did you know?

I don't miss half full coffee cups.
Everyday you wouldn't finish, and just leave it there.
5 maybe 6,
but it got to the point I'd walk right by them and stare.

I don't miss being forced to ignore my loved ones.
I have to admit your family is really fun,
but I shouldn't have to ignore my family because yours can't let go of someone.

I don't miss petty arguments,
you never doing the dishes,
letting you down feeling like punishment,
or our future being built on wishes.

but

There are a few things I do miss.


The feeling of a home, coffee on the couch on our days off.
Stupid jokes that didn't make me feel alone, and the memory of forgetting love's cost.

I miss waking up from nightmares feeling your hand on my back,
all the love I had that is for sure.
But what I miss most is something you now lack,
what I miss most is the person I thought you were.

2nd place is what I always seem to come,
far away from being last but I never get to be first.
I shouldn't be complaining it probably sounds dumb,
But you should know the feeling so you can be alert.

They will start by making promises and keeping them.
Then they make excuses    " sorry I forgot ***"
It only happens a couple of times at first,
Then a long break in between,
Suddenly waking up wondering why I'm crying in my dreams.

How can I try to be everywhere and feel lost?
Dedicated to love while suffering its cost.
At the end of the day when sunlight fades to grey you keep lying to yourself saying "love will pave the way" when excuses are all they have left to say.

"I cant"

"I don't feel well"

"I'm tired"

"I need to be on my own for a spell"

Why do I come in 2nd place?
Shoved to the back of the line while I wait.
Mr. Cellophane,
walk right by while I wait.
Mr. Cellophane,
see through me to empty space.

Don't crumble me up and put me in the trash,
all I wanted was the promises you promised me at last.
No excuses,
keep the promises you made in the past and stop leaving the person who loves you to last.

You have time money and energy for everyone else.
I am sorry but you keep putting me behind everyone else.
How can I love when I barely feel love myself?
I'm trying to find fun and adventure for our health.

How come you always come first and no body else?

How come in a world so connected we feel so isolated and disconnected?
I can view maps of China in barley five seconds but we feel uncomfortable trying to learn a lesson.
So lets seek answers and ask the question,
I ask again, how come in a world full of connection you can feel so isolated, depressed and without protection?

Is it our computers and TV screens?
The filters on instagram making everything clean?
Or is it our materialism causing death to our kindness, hopes, and dreams?

What happened to writing, reading, and talking?
Now its DM's, snap chats and secretly gawking.
Kids are gaming and don't get vaccines, more focussed with what's on TMZ, Facebook and memes.

Even with music there are no records, only singles.
In love you don't fall any more, you just mingle.
They would rather have a one night memory and let it pass instead of taking every moment into and album and showing what can last.
No one feeling at home we constantly wander, while many parents don't truly know their own sons and daughters.

What is the point of gaining followers if you don't have a real life?
We are in control of the buck of the knife, but we only cut away the things of emotion in life?
*** can be on the front page but don't talk of depression.
Celebrities are more respected than politicians yet we want their lessons?
We use to idolize Churchill, Mackenzie and Kennedy.
Now its Rhianna, Beyonce, and Yeezy?
Are you kidding me?

How come in a world of connections we have a lack of protection?
In a world of detection we break down and divide into sections?
We all speak of being good and holy but did we actually try or just pretend to learn the lesson?
How come we can talk and meet people all day without leaving our home, but at the end of the day a lot of us still feel alone?

I'm a man but also a boy.
I'm mature but childish.
I'm stupid while being quick witted, a fat man with the confidence of one perfectly fitted.
The rebel fronting as a prep.
The smile covering the fear of death.
The frown covering the happiness of life while my shadow can eclipse the universe of all light.

I'm free now but more trapped than ever.
It's ended, gone and over.
My heart is crushed, beaten and slower.
Four years of hard work commitment and pain, my skin showing those scars to show my shame.

I'm a liar, a badman, I'm to blame.
I try to much or to little its never the same.
How can I ignore them when every year I have to write, speak, and hear their name.
I will never understand how our strength turned me lame forcing me to learn that the fight of my life was a game with nothing to gain.

I'm a man....but sometimes I feel like nothing.
Shattered dreams of feeling love and a part of something.
How do you go from the loves of each others lives to feeling nothing but sadness and resent inside.

I'm a loveless romantic.
All the tricks I know love I can show but all I ever get is we are done and you can go.

I feel so used.
My soul is abused.
I knew everything when I was with her... now I'm scared and confused.

I'm the one who was trying to make it work.
I'm the one who is shedding tears and being hurt.
How come I'm the one who feels cursed?
Always came second never came first.
Maybe this is the time I'm giving up the search.

I used to try to stay awake until the horizon turned red. Push myself further into nights darkness trying to show my thoughts true darkness instead of the thoughts in my head reminding myself things could be worse.

Funny isn't it? How a boy with all hopes and dreams, who made others lives easier than it seemed, has a defensive problem, not against an enemy but the thoughts enveloping me in my dreams.

But that's how my mind thinks. Instead of staying up till dawn I wake up before it, breaking the moons hold on my mind because those thoughts are an hourly occurring thing. Sometimes life is even crazier than my dreams because instead of my pain it is happening to my loved ones. Illness poverty death of grand parents true friends and cousins, how come we only see proof of a higher power is because they want something? Was my dad's soul and mind not enough? Almost killing me two years later just to see if we are still tough? How come we keep breaking down instead of being built from the ground up, are we supposed to credit god the universe or just bad luck?

No matter where I search I find no answers. I've wandered through churches, read and studied bible verses resisting my negative urges trying to find the reason there is no happiness for me, just pain desperate anxiety and hurting.

I'm Exhausted, worn out and used. I'm close to breaking. A work horse with scars from whips being abused while he is wondering if Kipling was wrong about the worn out tools.

Sometimes you cant rebuild you got to walk away. Think about the future because the past is so pack it can't afford the cost of what was and now lacks or the look in the face of loved ones while they speak of suicidal attacks.

History is repeating, slowly creeping from my feet over my shoulder causing abuse to my spirit. But it is really who I am that is taking the beating.

Used to be so nice now cynical.

Used to be different now typical.

When I was the same I needed to change but now you want the same you criticise and say I am to blame.

Oh its Cole Hood the guy who ran away came back fell flat on his face while everyone laughed because he finally had to face what he lacks.

You can only give so much before you are gone. Never being able to restart the fire of your light, it has dimmed like it never truly reached dawn. So when you wake up from a coma. No balloons sweet flowers aroma. Empty room no one giving a soulful sacrifice like you, the moon light beckons you back.

So you stay awake until the horizon turns red. The thoughts will either end, or start again. Now I'm waiting for dawn, my long lost friend.