bawat kumpas ng segundo sa orasan
ay may katumbas na inaantok na pagkurap,
biglaan naman ang pagbuhos ng ulan
marahil hindi na kinaya ng mga ulap
ang bigat ng dalahin nitong ulan

ang pagtangis ng kalangitan
ang sa akin ay nagpatahan


ako marahil ang kontrabida sa istoryang ito




patawad.

along the rivers, there flows a magic melody
a wild lion hears it and it was calmed
a bird, who's happy and free, chirps with it
a deer drinks on its waters and it was relieved
but when you passed by, oh darling, it dies

apat na letra lang yan pero bakit parang ang daming kahulugan..
napakaraming nais iparating ngunit pilit na ikinubli sa apat na letra
kumakawala, pumipiglas ang mga patalim nitong may taglay na lason na maaaring magdikta ng libong sakit

at pasensya ka na, hindi ata nakarating ng maayos sa aking pang-unawa ang nais **** sabihin

"bakit ka ganyan, mahal?"
"ewan"
"may problema ba tayo?"
"ewan"
"mahal mo pa ba ko?"
"ewan"

pero mas masakit palang marinig na ewan din ang sagot mo sa tanong na bakit.

bakit mo ko patuloy na sinasaktan?


sige, wag mo nang sagutin.




nagsasawa na ko sa mga ewan mo



ngunit, putangina, hindi sa iyo.



nagsasawa na ko sa sakit na ibinibigay mo, hindi naman ito ang ipinangako mo pero ewan...

siguro nga'y mahal na mahal lang kita kaya't sa lahat ng ewan na binanggit mo isa lang ang alam kong sigurado...


hindi ko alam kung paanong magsisimula muli, ewan.. bahala na'ng pusong sawi sa pagbuo ng mga piraso nitong dinurog ng lapastangang pag-ibig na alam mo.

isinulat ni: Stephanie Dela Cruz

\

isang daang tula.
sabi ko noon ay bibigyan kita ng isang daang tula
mga tulang magiging gabay mo kung sakaling mawala ka man sa akin, o kung ilayo ka man ng ating mga tadhana, o kung paalisin mo na ko sayong tabi,
ngunit pangako, hinding hindi magiging dahilan ang kusa kong pag alis, pangako yan.
itong mga tulang ito ang magiging gabay mo kung sakaling maisip **** ako ang kailangan mo at ako ang gusto **** makasama hanggang dulo
itong mga tulang ito ang magiging resibo mo, magiging ebidensya ito ng kung paano kita minahal ng pagmamahal na hindi mo kailanman naibigay sa akin

isang daang tula.
alam mo bang tula ang una kong minahal kaysa sa iyo
ibinuhos ko lahat ng mga inspirasyon, pag-ibig, luha at pati tulog ko'y isinantabi ko na para sa kanila
dahil ako rin ang mga tulang ito,
alam mo namang isa kong babasaging salamin na paulit ulit na binabasag ng mga taong gustong maglabas ng sama ng loob, ng matinding emosyon, isang salaming kakamustahin kapag gusto nilang ipaalala sa sarili nila na maganda sila at mahalaga at kamahal-mahal at importante...
ako nga ang mga tulang ito, at paulit ulit kong pinaghirapang buuin muli ang aking sarili, ang bawat dinurog na piraso ko'y sinusubukang buuin muli gamit ang hinabing mga tula
itinago ko sa bawat maririkit na salita ang mga lamat na hindi na maaalis pero pipilitin ko...
at sa huli naisip kong hindi ko lang pala gustong sumulat at bumigkas ng tula..
gusto ko rin maging tula ng iba, na mamahalin ako katulad ng pagmamahal na ibinuhos ko sa mga ito

at ayun nga... dumating ka.

ngunit tanong ko pa rin sa aking sarili itong palaisipan...  "naging tula mo ba ko talaga?"


hindi.

dahil hindi ka naman talaga interesado sa mga tula.


alam ko naman kung anong nais mo talaga..

ang gusto mo'y musika.


maganda, masarap sa pandinig, masasabayan mo sa pagsayaw... maipagmamalaki.


hindi naman ako musika... isa lamang akong tula.



isang daang tula.
alam mo bang kung nakakapagsalita lamang ang aking mga sinulat ay sigurado akong magtatampo sila
dahil naisulat na ang tulang bukod tangi sa lahat, tulang pinaka mamahal ko higit sa lahat
ito ay ang bawat tulang isinulat ko para sa iyo..
isa... dalawa... tatlo.. hindi ko na mabilang kung gaano karaming tula na ba ang naisulat ko para sayo
ngunit mas marami ata yung mga tulang isinulat ko nang dahil sayo
at wag kang mabibigla kung sasabihin kong hindi lahat ng iyon ay puro kilig, puro saya, puro tamis ng sandaling kasama kita
dahil sa bawat pagkakataong hindi mo namamalayang sinasaktan mo ako ay sumusulat ako ng tula
may mga pagkakataong ikaw ang dahilan ng mga luhang siyang naging tinta nitong aking pluma na pinangsulat ko ng tula

wag kang mag-aalala, hindi nasasapawan ng kahit anong sakit at pait ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo. :)


isang daang tula.
teka, kailan ba tayo nagsimula?
napakabilis ng panahon, lumilipas na kasing bilis ng pagningning ng mga bituin sa gabi
hindi pa tayo tapos mangarap ngunit tumitigil na... natapos na ang pagkinang.
inaawat na tayo ng kalawakan... o teka... mali pala... dahil ikaw ang umawat sa kalawakan
pinatay mo ang sindi ng pinakamakinang na bituing pinangakuan ko ng wagas na pagmamahal sa'yo habambuhay
wala nang natira.. pati ang mga bulalakaw na nagdadala ng milyong paghiling kong makasama ka hanggang dulo ay wala na, lumisan na
at hindi ko naman inasahan na sasama ka sa kanila
hinihintay kong hawakan **** muli ang aking kamay nang mas mahigpit sa paghawak ko ng kamay mo katulad ng una't pangalawang beses nating pagkikita pero
binitawan mo ako mahal



isang daang tula...












teka muna mahal, hindi ko pa naisusulat ang pang isang daan
bakit ka'y bilis mo namang umalis... hindi mo man lang hinintay na matapos ko ang mga tulang ito na nagpapatunay na minsan may tayo


pero pangako...


tatapusin ko itong isang daang tula at hindi ito magtatapos sa pang isang daan dahil susulat pa ko ng mas marami, susulat ako nang mas marami pa hanggang sa hindi na ikaw ang tinutukoy ng mga salita sa aking tula, hanggang sa hindi na ikaw ang buhay nitong aking pagtula...
ipapaalala ko sa aking sarili na ako ang mga tulang ito at hindi ako magtatapos sa panahong pinili **** umalis kesa basahin ako, pinili **** iwanan ang tunay na nagmamahal sayo, sabi mo iingatan mo ang puso ko ngunit hindi mo ba alam? ikaw ang muling sumira nito kaya't heto... may dahilan nanaman para sumulat ako ng tulang magbubuo ng mga piraso ng aking sarili na dinurog mo... pinili **** saktan ako, pinili **** lumayo para sa sarili mo, pinili **** maghanap ng mas maganda at mas higit sa akin, ang dami dami **** pinili mahal ngunit bakit hindi ako ang isa sa mga pinili mo? ah. alam ko na. dahil nga pala may mas higit pa sa pagpipilian kaya bakit nga ba ako ang pipiliin mo diba?


pero pinapangako ko... isa lamang akong tulang hindi mo pinag-aksayahan ng oras para basahin ngunit balang araw ay magkakaroon din ako ng sukat at tugma, ang mga salita sa aking malayang pagsulat ay tatawaging liriko at kapag ganap na akong maging musika... pangako.... huling pangako ko na ito para sayo kaya't makinig kang mabuti...




mapasabay ka man sa  saliw ng aking musika, kailanma'y hindi na ko ang kanta, liriko, musika, at tulang isinulat para sa iyo.

My whole life recently
Is just about... Escaping.
From the world that is
Fairly unfair, tricky as always
But here's the saddest part
Of escaping:
The one who was running away
With me,
Is now running away
From me

I want to come back home already
But the lights are off and I am nowhere
The road on the way home is blurry
I am gone.. Like your promise to be there
All your promises are now sugar coated lies
No answer but you left with so much why's

my dear...







you are worthy of the purest and sincerest love the world could offer.

I am a poem who will embrace your soul
my rhymes will be in tune with the beats of your heart

I am a poem who will give warmth to your winter
December will never felt wrong here in my arms

I am a poem who will be forever yours
written in me are the words that will cherish you forever

but why, my love...

even if I could be the best version of poetry that I am


Still, I am that poem whom you will never read.

you said they're twinkling and that's beautiful
but you are wrong.
they are not twinkling; they are fading
yet they are still trying hard to illuminate brightness
with all their might but soon it will not be enough
is it beautiful if one day they'll completely die?
darkness isn't always bad.. it's also peace

it's about an hour when I decided to write a poem again because
everything feels so wrong but what I've only got now is a wordless draft
on a wet paper



then I discovered a thing....




tears can be a poem too.

byernes.
isang araw lang pala ang hahatol
sa bawat oras na hindi tayo ang sandigan ng isa't-isa
isang araw na puno ng pagaalinlangan ngunit sa huli
ay natiyak ng puso kong hindi panaginip ang lahat
isang araw na tumapos sa lahat ng pangungulilang
akala'y hindi na mawawakasan
isang araw lang pala ang magtatanggal ng lahat ng mga takot
dahil paano kung sa pagtatapos ng araw na ito'y iiwan mo rin ako..
isang araw, at sa unang pagkakatao'y nahawakan ko rin
ang iyong mga kamay, sa iyong tabi natagpuan ang panibagong tahanan
wala nang kilometrong pumapagitan sa ating dalawa...
wala na mahal, pangako
at sa oras na matapos ang natitirang oras ng araw na ito
pangako, hindi na tayo kailanman paghihiwalayin ng tadhana
kahit pa humakbang na tayo palayo sa isat-sa
at kahit pa ilang kilometro nanaman ang sa atin ay papagitna
tandaan **** dala mo ang puso ko, at nasa akin ang iyo
naniniwala akong hihintayin mo ako at ganon rin ako
magtatapos ang marso bente dos ngunit hindi ang pag-ibig ko sayo
marami mang araw ang dumating ngunit ikaw at ikaw pa rin ang hihintayin


hanggang sa muli, mahal.

you come alive
you've hardly strive
to survive
don't let 'em **** you twice



you are victorious!

love's never too complicated for a sincere heart and passionate soul

I will gently strum your chords in the key of G
and sing the lyrics of my heart to thee
if you promise to listen very carefully,
so do I will play our music eternally.

don't reach for the stars
in the galaxy
reach for my hand
and lemme shine for you
and with you..

we are just breaking one another's hearts.
don't blame it to the universe.
we're all the same.

i have learned to be wary
of my own smile, of my own happiness
because it costs a lot...
of tears, disappointments, pain
it is very expensive and i fear that
maybe one day, big amount of credits
are ready to swallow me in
i don't want that.
and for a second thought, is happiness
still a choice? or something we always
try to bargain with?

the point has come
daggers wounding your skin
walls are pressing you in
then music will play victory
good news you wanna hear
are coming, and that's good
but no such feeling could
reach your core and encounter it
-- just pure nothing.
hold on, worry not my dear..

i will lift emptiness with you

oo nga eh, nakakapagod.
masakit 'di ba?
hindi lang ikaw.
'wag kang hahanap
ng dahilan para sumuko
marami na ang nagtagumpay
at nakasulat ang pangalan mo
sa talaan ng mga susunod pa
asahan mo na
mas lalo pang hihirap
mas lalo pang sasakit
ngunit tumayo ka d'yan dahil...


                                          
           ­                                             

kakayanin mo!

I, as a claustrophobic,
it is even worse to be trapped
in memories created by us
but left to be cherished by me
alone...
it's so many!
that there's no more space
for peace and self-healing
and you, as you are,
do not care.

you compared yourself
to the moon
hideous, unwanted
you shine in the night
when it's cold
some said you're beautiful
I believed you are
but more than that
you underestimated the moon
not knowing that
i am a selenophile

he's so sweet
like a forehead kiss
that he does when i'm scared
or worried or insecure about
how i look
imagine how a sugar
became everything nice and
that was him
because he's so sweet
and it feels like an epinephrine
was introduced into my bloodstream

many will love a red rose
but few will love its thorns

many will like a blue sky
but few will not curse the rain

many will adore the moon
but few will actually gaze at it

The letters of your name
Matches with the ones engraved
in my beautiful nightsky    
The words you speak
Are like calming music that
gently soothes my wounded heart      
Out of thousands of promises I've heard
I will choose to listen to yours
and count on it                                  
Like how summer days are full of
vibrance and hope
But if time comes and darkness
filled my galaxy
Meet me in our rendezvous
and see me waiting for you  
"Can you please walk me home?"  
Perhaps, be my home.

The sun knocks on my heart
Where there it sets and I am relieved
I smiled because I knew my sun
Its sunrays are enough to recharge me
Its calming radiance never refuse
To wipe my tears when the pain comes
Its warmth is enough to defeat coldness of any kind
It is when the night shall enter
Grim darkness is ready to clothe my universe
The sunset in me will glow still
-- an everlasting blythe
Enough to lighten up others' too

if your hands are cold
let me warm it
if your eyes are teary
let me wipe it
if your body is shaking
let me comfort you
if the world haunts your dreams
let me shelter it
if fears are taking you
let me take it away
if you are worrying
let me be your assurance
if regrets are haunting you
let me say it's okay
if you are having low self-esteem
let me be your cheerleader
if you're lost
let me walk you home
if sadness consumes you
let me be your happy pill
if you think you're not enough
let me hug you
as I utter words of beauty
and significance because that...
is your worth
and please let me prove it.

i murdered him
my very first intention;
to end his life, his good for nothing life
my dagger is double-sided blade
and i stabbed him with no mercy
in my already lifeless, stonecold eyes
pulled it to the deepest depth
til his heart beat its final last beats

///.............../?????????

i tried to **** him
the version of him whom he hated,
the devastated him, the persona he never wanted
the one who bleeds a bad blood and suffers
the one who's dragging him to hell
the one who's taking him away from my arms
the part of him that's trying to **** the original him
and everything that makes him crave for physical death
i tried to **** him

and i never succeeded.

never encountered such rare emptiness
i carried it on my shoulders and o' it's heavy!
'tis may be the worst of all the existing paradox
even words that came from lips of angels
couldn't erase unnecessary bad noises
sempiternal murmurs from the day behind
still fathoms what should i have for day forth
i am the epitome of furtive disaster, but poetic
inside these walls are colors of the universe
peculiar and dazzling but has no beauty
and no one has enough valor to come in
except those thieves disguised as affection
who offers faked elixir in exchange of their fantasy
and do trust me when i tell you this:
time may rush you, but you can't rush time
to heal, to feel, to taste the sweetwater
down the mount of false hopes and disgusting fallacies
no matter when and how it will be done
as long as my presence lives, so as stigma
my story shall end without denouement

memories are just psychological images
that our prosaic minds replay without consent
once or twice will be marked as nonchalant
but for hundred times it's difficult
it is not a mere memory anymore,
but a virtual, psychological world
you are living the same history everyday
bittersweet, in a dungeon of illusory reverie

if ever that you would meet
one of my poems again,
don't pay attention on the words
seek for my heart instead
then listen to whatever your heart says
and that's it..
the most precious thing in the world
let our hearts find its way back home
you own my poetry
so as you own my love

I saw the moon tonight
round, full and bright
it reigns over the darkness of skies
down to my almost teary eyes

The moon followed me home and
I imagined it was you then
it made me smile
If it's with you, I want another mile

Tonight, it is so sad and cold outside
I nevermind, I would beg the heavens all night
tell the moon to embrace you for me
If by chance that you looked up too and see

There I was, I stole the moon and wore it
distant, but every night when I miss you
I'll shine to you, and tell the stars to do it too
Darkness can no longer hide you away from me.

I'm tired.
and I'm sad.
but I'm not sad because I'm tired
it is because...
you are the rest that I need
but I can't have you.

I hate the nights
when I'm missing you
and can't do anything
to hold you, to tell you
how much I really do
I just miss you
and can't help but cry over it
til it brings me to sleep
I used to love it
there's no pain when sleeping
but tonight, I found you there
and it's not a dream anymore
but a nightmare
of how you still
push me away in other world
but what I hate the most
are the sudden wake up's
when it's dawn, cold and lonely
then reality will remind me
my nightmares are reality

imagine, the time when we all learn the art of living
rather than just continuous breathing
there'll be no more lies
there'll be no more cries
we'll all have our sun shining through
and we'll look at the same skies of blue
peace will be at hand
and earth will be a happy land
wave farewell to the terror of the nights
terminated are the painful fights
For there will be no more battle
inside the heart of a love-filled human vessel
words synonymous to sadness will exist no more
genuine happiness will be felt down to its core
you'll be surprised at how forgiveness
could be the starting point of a new fortress
and it will be available for all
no more pain if anyone will fall
there in our paradise, you can sing and dance and groove
without the fear of judgment of how it is going to be not that good
there in our paradise, you can have enough sleep in peace
with still the urge to wake up, tiredness of minds will cease
there in our paradise, no complications to love
you don't have to wear a mask to be loved,
nor to pay for it, for to love only requires yourself
and in our paradise, there'll be no more lonely self
there in our paradise, no more broken nor complete families
For there will be only one, resilient over hundred calamities

yes love, I promise you all these.

what you imagine today, will be our paradise tomorrow.

two letter word and the goodness it held;
crossover the forbidden pleasure of sense
no sudden burst of supernova
shall ruin my assayed constellations
if million years do exist, why seconds don't?
but if I have to wait a light-year for my universe,
I will spell out a more magical three letter word
when the time has come and everything's in place
where would I be? in my universe?
I wish I'm with my universe, but first...
let me be drowned in my own bittersweet dreams
I'm not yet done in killing myself so I could finally live
if matter has space and has mass and so do I,
then why I keep asking "do I matter?"
the absolute value is not my care, to whom is
because for those who really care is the essence of worth
many claimed pledges were already burned
by the raging wrath of my trust-doubting sun
in a world full of lies, where should I start
to breathe the purity of painful truths?
so by then...
four letter word will rest in my soul again

that man...
he's a goner trapped in a physical flesh
he trusts no one
well, I guess
and hatred is feasting his soul
he's a stranger everyday and no one
knows him
that man...
he's good at deprecating himself
in his mind, you'll find an eccentric kind
of chaos
in his heart, it is over a negative hundred fahrenheit
-- stonecold.
but that is my man
he is a beautiful chaos
I see him as precious as a water to this earth
I want to hold him moreover a forever
until he bleeds no more
until he could smile a genuine one
until his heart becomes warm in my embrace

but my man clothed himself
in thick sheets of anxiety

yet, I will reach brokenness to cover him
with my love, I'll do it until it fix him

yes, I really love that man.

i don't know why
the rain is most hated
does it really denotes sadness?
what if the rain was there
because she loves the sun
and so whenever the sun isn't
there, she'll take over
what if the sun has runaway
to chase his lover
and whenever he's gone
rain will arrive to take over;
to save the day
yet i don't think she saved herself though
i saw her crying whenever
does she denotes sadness?
-- i think it's pure love

his name
isn't funny
or what but
whenever I hear it,






I smile :)

a poem written
on 15th of May
on the amidst of lonely 2018
with a shimmer of hope
for a beginning of lifetime
I remembered how it started
but now I don't want to remember
how things were changed
told you!
I'm freakin' right haha!
good for me, I believed
"... but not fully"

thank you, it hurts
when you came in just to leave.

feeling the breeze of a cold rainy morning,
my coffee warms my palms
perfect to wish this day a merry one

I missed to be happy.


I'm not interested on the presents
wrapped in happy gift wrappers,
delicacies on the table,
nor wearing a new fancy dress
in a town clothed with bright lights
and joyful carols


let's smile today can we?


would you smile back if I greet you...


"Merry Christmas!"
Prince of Peace shall reign
so as in our hearts.

--

I missed to be happy.
I know that you too.
We missed to be happy.


Today, we will.


:)

the poetess runs out of her words
how can feelings be translated?





/let her hug you from body to the soul.

...yet i will remain faithful to see (or at least strive to find)
goodness and purity in thy hearts.
i will always be generous to give away trust








hoping that someday, someone worthy will be worth it.

whenever a person promised me something
i will really count on it until...
that promise breaks and so as my heart

i am an anxious overthinker
and that's not cool, i hate it

i never dreamed of becoming better
i just always wanted to be good enough

"pathetic"
"you're a miserable wretch"
"go back to the God-forsaken universe you came from"
"nobody likes you"
"plain. you are nothing."
"the world is good but better without you"
"non-sense"
"why are you so ugly?"
"talk to yo self"
"can you just.. di*?"
"painful? oh dear that serves you right"
"you'll never be enough"
"what a chaos"
"eww ***** you"
"8billion ppl and no one's grateful for your existence"




ugh.

hearing her again is infuriating my mind.

so I shut her up.

what happened to her, you guess?

read the title.