Each name is a splinter in the finger,
a room full of regrets.
Children running in grassy fields without shoes.
The wind in 80 degree weather.
Velvet.
Soft.
Reminding.
Forever.

Moss, and evergreens.
Pale azaleas and vines that grow tall with the warmth of spring.
I hope morning glories sprout their soft wings with the rise of the sun, light filtering through branches of leaves that hang so delicately above.
I hope for milk thistle,
Venus fly traps and nettles.
Sprouts pushing from the earth with a grace that’s invisible to the human eye.
Even with the greatest patience.

They said his steps sounded like the ticking of a time bomb.

Her knees were in the dirt.
Blood, sweat and tears filled the earth,
and the sky cracked open.
Come closer, it said.
She shook her head, remembering the slow steps of her father’s father. The yellow fingers that toyed with the fabric between buttons,
The bruises that she wore on her abdomen.
The fear.
The pain.
It’s all the same,
it’s all the same.

She was soft, and quiet.
With thoughtful eyes, and the slowest of body.
Her mind was quick.
Synapses firing to give her grace, silence and posture.
She saw it all as one.
Her heart and mind in sync,
belly full of nothing but the sweetness of the love she felt for everyone. Words flowed with ease, when she used them.
She didn’t have to,
for her eyes spoke truths that sent shivers down strangers spines.
She scared some, too.
But, she never noticed.
Just filled her cup with water,
drank and walked forward.

One day our paths will collide, again and I will be stable.
I will be tall with hair untouched, eyes wide and lips relaxed.
He will have a baby on his hip and 3 women holding his hand.
We will smile through tears and I will kiss his cheeks 4 times
to remember the weight of his lips and become dizzy.

But I will not stumble.

I will be a tree with shiny leaves and roots deep into the earth.
My branches will reach high into the sky

with Light to be the only lover I ever know.

Do not be afraid.
This is not the end
This is a beginning
Of something bright and beautiful
This is the start of deep change
Self love
And a chance to free the demons
You cast upon others
Leave him be, dear heart
For his path has proven to be different than yours
And that’s okay.
It’s okay,
You will see his soul in
Another life,
Someday,
But that day
Is not today.
Leave it behind
So you both may strive
With lovers that have puzzle pieces
For hearts
Understanding and bursting
With desire.
Let the bird be free,
And be free with it.
Do not sit,
Afraid to turn around.
Dont be afraid to move forward.
Find peace in the day.
In the week.
In this life.

I spent my life waiting for you.

Tasting your flesh on others, I knew the smell of your sweat before holding your physical face in my mind’s eye. But this does not matter.This was nothing but the feeling that aroused my being when looking into your eyes for the first time. This was simply the line in the water that attached my soul to yours and everyone else’s.

I held my breath and then, I saw you. light sparkling, aura burning. Your astral self floated around in my day dreams. I prayed. Listened harder than I have ever had to, because I had to. And in you came, galloping on a horse bright white. Like the gods themselves descended, and allowed you a few minutes to enter this dimension. To hold the hand of the lover(s) you never felt, but felt.

Soft, and gentle. Your skin reminded me of the house I grew up in, and longed to never leave. Your pain glistened like the glassiness of your eyes as you held me in your heart, terrified that I would leave you. That somehow your beauty would be taken for-granted, with the vision of me drinking your cup greedily and you having to refill and refill, until there was nothing to fill it with. And, I did. I drank, fearfully. That veil hung heavily in my eyes, wrapping my body tightly and you begged me to take it off. Let your face be seen, you said. I asked which one, and pulled out my heart. Stood there with it in my hands, letting sticky, smelly blood run down my calves and stomach, and you smiled. The first real smile I had seen, in what felt like decades.

Now, dissect. Rip it apart, you said. I argued that it may never look the same, that it would it would fill every nerve with pain. But just you smiled that smile, and took my hand. Tried to stitch every stitch, every slice, every position possible. But it kept slipping, the way you slipped around inside me. Moving, shifting, making space, rearranging my soul so it may fit you. So we may fit inside each other, in this life that was no longer ethereal, but a physical thing. Too physical for my soul to understand, it seemed. Relentlessly circling my small intestine around your throat, like a snake with no eyes left. Trying hard to go home.