I don't know if I stopped writing
Because I wanted to make sure you
Never saw the deepest parts of me Ever Again
Or
If it's because you broke me
So badly.
Cut
So deeply,
That it ripped out the deepest parts of me altogether.

I've tried to explain
That my lungs
No longer inflate.

I don't have enough air
To even try to resuscitate.
I'm on oxygen support now
And you don't even care.

I'm sick of desperately gasping for just one breath of fresh air
Because I have nothing left.
All because I breathed life into someone else.
All because I was sacrificing my health.
Sacrificing myself.

Then in all the misery
A whisper spoke underneath the
Chaotic thoughts,
"What if you were your own savior?"

And that's when my heart
Began to change.

My soul, the filter of the self,
***** and grimey.

Sticky energy stuck,
Karma links,
Life amuck.

I'm scrubbing myself clean
And finding the shine underneath.
Yes the process is long and mean
But after I've made it past the bleak
Heath,
I will come out as my true being.

It feels like I'm swimming in the unlimited.
It feels like my mind is just floating around out there somewhere.
Enveloped in the warmth.
Finding bliss in the unknown.
Almost sinking to the deepest parts of the ocean floor
Yet it feels like it could stretch on forever.
As if there is no floor.
There is no end to the void.
I feel like I should feel lost but I know I am not lost.
I am always right where I'm meant to be.
I feel like I'm searching but only feeling through darkness.
Almost feeling nothing and everything together simultaneously.
Floating around in the womb
Of the universe,
Wondering,
Curious,
Waiting on my rebirth.

And her heart blew with a flurry of passion.

Carrying the dandelion seeds
All across the globe
To plant loving wishes
In strangers hearts.

If there was anything I ever wanted
It would be to not be consumed by
A lover
More than by the love of the self.

On the days that I say,
"You are not enough,"
I am truly saying that I
Still have not loved myself
Enough.

How do I write about a restless heart's
Simple plight?

So, so simple.

I only ask that you join me
In connection to the Light.

Without the world around me,
I am a different being,
If a being at all.

I am just a character
built from experiences.
And pieces of those memories
stuck to form all that I am.

Oh how the lightless deep entices me.
The cool chill that you feel as you
Gradually sink down
Into the abyss.

It sings to me, my siren.
Seducing my ears with elegant music
Instead of the never ending chatter
I deal with.
Whether in my mind
Or in my life
Doesn't matter.
It all becomes muffled
As water fills my ears.

I just crave the song and silence.
She calls me deeper still.
Washing away all my fears.
Hoping to be completely swallowed
By the blackest blanketed shadow.
I am a slave against her will.

I hope I go under, and all you hear is
A single drop of water,
As the ripples stretch on farther
The melody suddenly stops
And
All I heard was
.
.
.
*Bloop

I sometimes wonder if it was fated.

Maybe it is my job to be the evil one now.

Maybe we were meant to switch roles this way

And I was meant to experience this pain, this empty, this hatred

For everything for being nothing I ever wanted.

Lately I find myself stopping and wondering,

"Did you feel this way too? Behind closed doors and in your waking every day life, were you also consumed by this?
Have you wanted to be better but every day become
Jeckle and Hyde even though you didn't want to?
Did you experience the loneliness?
The distance? The fear? The panic?
The pure hell that is this existence?!"

Sometimes I really do wonder.
Sometimes I get curious enough to want to ask.
Sometimes I am really glad I can't ask when the moment sparks
because that means opening a whole new door,

Building a whole new bridge again
And DEAR GOD how it hurt growing up and watching the ones
I put so much work into get blown apart, repeatedly set ablaze by the dynamite you set off again and again and I just watched.
Like a child who just had their tower of blocks pushed over
I watched my bridge constantly decimated by fire, as each piece fell into the moat you built around your castle that you built around yourself to continue to waste away like the skeleton King you are
as you whisper your last breath, "You never really loved me."

Now look at you.
King of Nothing.

Who had a skeleton princess who swiped away her father's ashes from the gold laced throne and she took his place.
She dies waiting for her Prince that will never come
because she simply won't let down the draw bridge.

You will only ever get slivers of people

Until we learn how to mesh souls.

Time feels slower than usual.

I feel like I'm walking around in a freeze frame.

Everything quiet.
Everything still.

Like the ambience of snowfall
There's a softness in the air.

Do you even know love if you can't speak kindly about people you don't even know?

Sometimes when I hear certain
Songs
I see you there,
Singing behind them.

Sometimes I think of taking this skin off like a jacket to show my soul
But then I remember,
The world is a cold and frozen place.

My soul constantly awake now,
With eyes of a newborn
And a heart of a young child.

The mind of a dreamer
Who never sees the ground.

Oh, how I wish
To come back down.

All is elevating
Yet all is falling.

So comes the weight of all wounds
Gone ignored.

A spirit that is ripping,
Achingly torn.

A mind that is breaking
A heart that is sore.

All is elevating
Yet all is falling.

Crumbling underneath
The warrior's calling.

I am only made up
Of all the residue left behind
From every soul who has come and gone.

Imprinted.

Embedded.

Buried within me.

Burned into my being,

You are.

The louder I turn it up,
The more I can feel my soul slip out
and float along the sound.

Hands back behind my head,
I can see her
As if she is floating casually
On top of water.

Is it normal to have old dreams past slosh from side to side in your head?

A sea of old memories that were never real,

Yet you remember them sometimes better than the ones you collected from everyday reality.

Is it normal to have your mind somewhere in space?

Or possibly it fell out and down the drain instead,

Maybe it is sinking to the bottom of the ocean by now.

But seriously,

I don't know where I am.

Walking between worlds.

I feel so spacey.
Like I'm falling and there is nothing to hold onto.

Like there's a cannon ball
Rolling. . . side to side. . . and side to side in my head. . .

Is it all my thoughts that I could never make sense
now condensed?

Weighing me down further into the silent void.

The Emptiness, the stillness, the calm. . .

People talk of these things like they are comforting

But to me I feel like dry bones walking around,

Dead inside both in heart, and in head.

I have a wishbone

Where my backbone should be

And I bend over backwards, snapping myself in half,

Trying to manifest my dreams.


I don't know how I developed such a spineless way

Of walking through this life,

But I know I need to get a grip,

and charge forth towards the sky.

The sunlight flickers in and out
Like a game of peek-a-boo
As the fan blows the curtains.

I lay flat on my back as still as I can
As I watch the world spin
With my eyes locked on the ceiling
Hoping that if I don't blink
Or move or swallow
That it'll somehow keep me grounded.

I am working toward steps to try to make my soul settle with the fact
That only I understand myself.
I'm just an ancient magic
That resides in forests
and rests deeper in the earth than most.

I am trying to accept that only these bones can feel this spirit.
Only this skin will comprehend what's within.

I don't know if I'll stop yearning for someone else to find me though.
Conjure up this ancient spell that I am.
Word for word.
Stone and runes.
Candles lit
To make me more than this ghost
Existing in the distance.

An empath,

A sponge.

I can feel the world's negativity sinking into every little pore I have.

The anxiety and depression drown me.

I wish for the life of me I knew how to wring myself dry.

Stars begin to doubt their shine

When surrounded by the blind.

Can another poet put the words together for me this time?

String together the words aching inside my chest for these crushing feelings to feel validated.

The words that I sew through my broken heart to keep it from falling apart.
Stitch them together to make sure they stay right where they are
Because being in pain makes me feel like maybe you're not that far.

At least not just yet.

So strange, to have memories of things
that I don't feel like was ever me
doing the remembering.

So strange,

To have memories
that feel like they belong
to a complete stranger.

We sleep under the same moon

Strangers.

How can something feel so close yet be so far away?

You are the one Truth
I can't deny.
The one chord struck,
To ring forever in my soul.