Entry ~
You were the first man that ever broke my heart. It was the day I was born. You held me in your arms and made me a promise that would rip us both apart. You promised to love me unconditionally from the start. But time passed and over the years those words faded from your heart. In the presence of a war when you had one foot out the door. There are vacancies in my memories where a father should have played a part. Like teaching me to drive a car, or telling me don't believe boys that say I love you from the start. Instead, I looked at every boy with tears in my eyes and willingly accepted every single lie, thinking maybe if I part my thighs they'll learn to love how broken I am inside, but they never do. Just like you they leave without a single clue and I'm left alone, used, wishing my daddy would have loved me too. And I'm not writing this to blame you, or break you, or tell you I hate you. I've made mistakes too. Ones deeply rooted in my relationship with you. And I get that maybe you didn't have a clue that your daughter was struggling in the world without you. But I relied on you to set the standard for boys I would let into my heart. By the time I was sixteen, I felt like a tortured piece of art. I learned to love myself of course. Over the years of ripping myself apart I learned to chart the darkness in my own heart. I don't blame you anymore for my broken parts. I'm healed from being angry at you. I'm writing this to tell you I'm sorry for failing you, and I'm sorry you failed me too.

I'm drifting
through my dreams,
occasionally colliding
with a hint of certainty.
I'm higher than I seem,
fighting the concept
of reality as a means.
I'm lost in the sky.
I can't remember why,
but life is just easier
when I get a little high.

Music touch my soul.
Relax my mind, make me whole.

I just want to be
Deep inside my memories
Finding things you show to me

A pretty, puffy, lavender dress tight-fitting to her tummy
Seated at a plastic chair chomping on treats oh-so-yummy!
Plump lips slathered in clear lip gloss and a couple cupcake crumbs
She smiles at me, says 'pull up a seat', and I'm sure this'll be fun


Dolls and teddy bears, teeny plastic cups filled with kiddie tea
Batting long lashes and adoring eyes, she directs attention on me


A cloud of cotton candy perfume hangs in the air as she gushes
I compliment her party, and she looks away and blushes


"lets not talk about me, how about Bear?"
Taps his head "he's got all the latest gossip up there"
I laugh, "How about you, little one, any stories to tell?"
She pauses for a moment, bites her lip, "well..."


She's trembling, I see, it comes out in a stream
"There's lots of stuff I'm not supposed to tell about mommy."

"But ***** said she once lost three babies, where did they go?
and once upon she didn't eat, how'd ***** know?
I've got a lot of baby fat as well, take a peek
And maybe I'd be as pretty as mommy if I didn't eat."


"Mommy never pays attention to me, cause ***** cuts her wrist
We never play anymore now, I always get dismissed...
I was once in the room, you know, I watched her bleed
And there's some blades in this carpet now, it's terrifying."

"Also, did you know daddy's never home?
He's got a new.. girlfriend now.. and a house of his own
Mommy's still his wife so thats weird I think
It's also nice, when he was here all he did was hit and scream."

"But it makes mommy cry, I don't want to see her sad
and her and ***** always fight, why're they so mad?
Mommy's so upset with me too, I'm afraid she'll run away
Hey, is it my fault if my mommy doesn't stay?"


Bitter tea sweetened with the slow drip of tears
Aloud, this little girl has voiced my worst fears
I push away my chair, prepared to walk out
Her lips begin to purse into a childish pout


"I knew it! I knew it! I should've never even told!
I won't tell anyone ever again! Get out! Just go!"
.