too young to understand the words I said
I gave it all to the girl who held my hand
before anyone else would
she kissed me softly
and that
I thought
kept the world together
until I made her's fall apart

having tried to fall too many times
I remain dull and unmoving
yearning for the way it felt
when she commented on my crooked smile
and explained what made me beautiful

we would move mountains so that
our journeys could wander together
if we held close
but in letting go
I have found I love too much, give too much
lie too much and
break too many people

you see
I am the worst person I know
because I see shadows while they see light
or at least they hope to

I  want to love viciously
to ache for us to be selfish in our satisfaction
you to love the laugh I can put on your face
touching fingertips as we lay on the grass
I want to learn of your own destruction
and see that I am just a confused boy

you see i've learned
all the worst things about infatuation
the way her favorite color became mine
and how I remember
that
you are the craziest part of me

can we find ourselves resolute
in our own terrible ways
will you touch my hair and kiss me for being here
and will you sit next to me for every sunrise
we care to wake up for

I hold myself together for you
I wait so that you may find me
we can touch our hands just to make sure
that we are safe for each other

In the wee hours
as the crickets chirp
and frogs and owls converse
a forest symphony
outside my window

I am reminded why I came here
not so long ago
for the glory of the Milky Way
the Moon and all the stars

as far away from light pollution
as we could have come
for the river
for the woods
for the quiet

And on those days when I would trade
our winters for a song
I think of all the years it took
to bring me to this place

I walk the woods in gratitude
for all our many gifts
and think
perhaps
the owls feel the same

Upon a tree I chanced to see
a travel weary bumblebee
frustrated in his search for nectared flower
Upon a flower he did light
and died upon that second night
though I would sooner stay that fateful hour

A lesson learned by such as I
who from afar must feel you die
and dying too myself in tiny leaps
But you are gone and I am here
my soul is numb, my mind unclear
my vision so contracts to He who sleeps

The winding drive along the sea
I took so many times
to steal away from anarchy
to pacify my mind

The city sirens come undone
before the ocean spray
then down the hill to U.S. 1
and thus begins the day

The Pier receding to the South
Will Rogers to the North
Topanga is the turn we seek
as we are going forth

The starkness of the hills and pines
the rivulet below
as Westward the Pacific shines
beneath the morning glow

The twists and turns I still recall
though roads are better now
no unpaved sections left at all
nor farmland for a cow

No Austin Mini Union Jack
the landmarks too have changed
and I so lost since coming back
I almost feel deranged

The Health Food Store with hitching post
the horses canter past
the countryside I love the most
and visit now at last

But on Mulholland Highway there
surprises lie in wait
there’s razor wire on the fence
and horses at the gate

As giant dishes aiming deep
into a mountain wall
so Orwell’s promise do we keep
applying it to all

But I remember still the day
the hillside turned to fire
the way to turn had burned away
the sky was black with ire

And in a wide spot in the road
in reverence did we stand
a fox, a hare, my dog and I
all watched the burning land

Can nothing make us feel as small
as fire pure and cruel?
to know it as a cunning foe -
to know we’re naught but fuel

But through the smoke a fire truck
led us down on Kanan Dume
toward the cleaner seaward air
away from certain doom

And all at once the trial was o'er
for we had reached the sea
as once Carrillo had before
and now my dog and me

We pass the house of river stone
Moonshadow’s Restaurant
and even Tidepool Gallery
for years my favorite haunt

And back to Santa Monica
on PCH we drive
admiring still the beauty
yet more thankful we’re alive

The winding drive along the sea
I took so many times
to steal away from anarchy
to pacify my mind