Roses are dead
Violets are dying
You tell me that I’m barely trying
I’m crying I’m dying
I’m foolishly using the time I’m buying
To tell you I’m fine
That I’m okay
That no, I don’t want to die today
But I’m lying
Well not completely lying
It’s not that I want to die but more
I don’t want to be alive
Alright?
So see I really am trying
But trying so hard if inside you’re dying
Like the violets and the roses
You’re so done
With the violence and the rope says
He can help you out of here
You’ll take the chance he can take you anywhere
Where the people are all ok and the parents start to care
But the rope is wrong
His promises give a scare
As you realize he’s leading you up some grand white stairs
To a gate  
And you think you’ve finally met your fate
And then a small thought creeps inside your head
You wonder if you’re really left of better dead
And you think of your life and all the little pretty things that made you feel you were the King of Kings
The happiness that life sometimes brings
Between the stings
The times when you feel like there’s hope to find
You’ll start to find
The glowing gates aren’t really looking all that kind
And you’ll close your eyes
And you’ll realize that you should give life one last try
To do you right
And you’ll walk back down those stairs and return to life

And years from now when you think back to this dark night
You’ll smile and be thankful that you walk away
From the gates that day
You made your life worth living and love everyday

So don’t go up the stairs just yet
Please just give it one more shot
Give all you’ve got
You’ve got to see the love that you’ve always sought

Here’s a little story
About a daughter
And her family

See the daughter has depression and anxiety
But the mother is oblivious
The mother is unaware of the depression
She genuinely believes that cutting and the fact that her daughter goes to therapy are linked to anxiety

And yet
Even though the mother seems to think that it’s only anxiety
Meaning that the anxiety is that extreme
She still wakes the daughter up
By screaming
She still questions the daughter
In front of a crowd
She still yells at the daughter, overwhelms her
And sends her into a panic attack

And yet all the people on the outside see is a mother worried about her daughter
And trying to help her
By taking her to therapy
But they don’t see the locked doors
They don’t see the screaming
The name calling
The belittling
They don’t see
That the mother
Is the reason that the daughter
Has to fight
So **** hard
To want to live

They don’t see that the daughter is only happy with her friends
They don’t see the scars on her arms, legs, and hips
They don’t see that the daughters only escape is when she’s not at home
They don’t see that the very therapist the mother takes her to
Is proud of the daughter
For staying alive
In such
Rough
Circumstances
Blood doesn’t mean family

But enough about the mother lets move on to the father.
The father that refused to pay child support for the first 3 years after the divorce
The father that had a second child, the daughter’s half brother, with another woman
The father that is engaged to a different woman now
The father that, when evacuated from his city due to a fire, took his fiancé to Jamaica instead of seeing his kids
The father that forgot his daughters birthday
The father that is “old school”
Which just means
Sexist
And homophobic
Blood doesn’t mean family

Next is the sister
The sister that supports me
The sister that laughs with me
The sister that understands how I feel
The sister that helps me when I need it
The sister that believes in me
That loves me
The sister creates fun and amazing stories and experiences with me
Just because she’s in the mood to have fun
The sister that raised me to be a good person
That taught me
And teaches me
How to get through life
Blood doesn’t mean family

Finally
The friends
The friend that gave me a reason to live
The friend that gave me a reason to laugh
The friend that showed me that it can get better and that they love and care for me and they don’t just “hope I get through this” but that they are going to be there and make sure that I get through this
The friend that marched with me with a rainbow
The friend that treated my relationships the same as straight ones
The friend that told me she’s open to the experience if I want to kiss her
The friends that I can flirt with and we laugh about it
The friends that I can flirt with and it becomes a little more than just friends
The friends who maybe I’m not as close with but who still show interest in my life and what I’m interested in and let me talk about activism because it makes me happy to empower people
The friend that made me believe in beautiful
The friend that stayed up with me when I had a nightmare about my molesting and help my hand until I fell back asleep
The friend that stated up all night on FaceTime singing songs together from our favourite band
The friend that boosts my ego when we go to the gym
The friend that cried when she found out I self harmed
The friends that worry about me and want me to get better
The friends that live far away
The friends that live close by
The friends that have shown me more love and happiness in the past year than I’ve known my whole life
The friend that was there even when I felt numb to the world and they just let me be but they made sure I know they’re here
The friends that ask questions when they don’t understand
The friends that are interested in what I do
The friends that offer me a place to stay should I need it
The friends who make sure I eat
The friends who worry when I don’t eat
The friends who sit at the back of the bus
The friends who get drunk
The friends who throw skittles at people
The friends who are in my class
The friends who are older than me
The friends who are younger than me
The friends who help me with homework
The friends who show me there are good people in the world
The friends
Who stick by me
And show me
That
Blood doesn’t mean family

We don’t choose the situation we are born into
But we do get to choose
Who our family is
So thank you
To my real family
For not only keeping me alive
But making me happy to be.

Long wavy brown hair
Freckles against otherwise creamy smooth skin
Long eyelashes and dark brown puppy eyes
Loud laughter and big smiles
Confidence boosting and adventure inducing
Long summer nights filled with new experiences
Long talks about things that hurt
Longer talk about things that don’t
Fun and mischief laced into every step
Every heartbeat being worth it
Absolutely breathtakingly perfection
Everything I’ve ever wanted
And for a while
I’ve finally got it
And you make everything so extraordinary

I write what I think
I think what I feel
I feel what the world gives me

The world gives me hope
The world gives me hopelessness
It gives me love
And lack of it
It gives me pain
And fear of it
Gives me beauty
And all forms of it
Gives me happiness
And ways to keep it (I still lose it)

All of these things, I write.

But you have to be in pain to be a writer

When I write about being violated
It becomes infamous
When I write about dying
Everyone loves it
But
When I write about the one thing that brings me happiness
Everyone is silent

You are silent

Because
People don’t want to see you’re getting better
People don’t care what’s brought you hope
They don’t care that you are finding happiness.
They want you to write what they feel
Write what they think but can’t say themselves so that they have someone to relate to
Write their pain so that you can be seen
Write how they feel in order to be alnowledged

But I don’t want to write for them
I only want to write for me
What I feel
What’s in my head
But I’ll never be known by doing that
Because I’m trying to get better
I’m trying to be happy

But you have to be in pain to be a writer