He had his tongue in my mouth
I was new to this and went along with it
He layed me down
I thought about my classmate in the front seat
He moved his hands up too high
I didn’t want to cause any drama
He put his hands under my shirt
I silently tried to push them away
He was stronger than me
I kept pushing his hands away
He felt me up anyways
I faked like I didn’t mind, while I smiled, tried to gently push him away,
He stopped and said “please”
I was silent
At one point he also tried to put his hand down my jeans
I pushed back harder than I’d done the first time.
The classmate in the front took a video
I looked like I was enjoying myself
I wasn’t
My friends saw it
I felt sick
People got mad at me for denying that I enjoyed it
I wanted to cry
My best friend didn’t believe me when I told him I was violated
I remembered when he said he’d protect me

Why didn’t you say no?
I was in shock
Why didn’t you get out of the car?
He was on top of me
He said “please” why didn’t you say No?
I was scared of making him mad.
Why didn’t you tell anyone?
I didn’t want them to know
Why didn’t you press charges?
I just wanted the whole thing to go away
Why did you pretend you were enjoying it if you weren’t?
I was scared, in shock, I wasn’t thinking clearly, maybe I thought it was safer than him doing it by force.

Why can’-
I don’t need to answer your questions
I was violated
I don’t care if you agree or not
Please
Stop making me relive it

When we fell asleep video chatting every night for a month
When I cried because you were the first person to make me feel like I wasn’t alone
When you excitedly told me about kissing a girl in a cemetery
When you sent me videos of your dirt bike
When we went cruising and listened to songs from our favourite band
When you tried to teach me how to game
When you told me everything you love about your girlfriend
When you talked about engines and cars with me even though I didn’t understand
When you saw I was feeling bad even at the one place I’m always happy
When you didn’t ask questions when I asked you to get rid of my razors, but instead told me how proud you were
When you held me as I cried, knowing I hate crying in front of people
When you let me fall asleep holding you even though I was cold and wet
When you held my hand when we woke up on the day when everyone had to leave
When you let me hug you a hundred times because you knew how much I’d miss you

When you gave me closeness and friendship and love unlike anything I’d ever known before

When we sat in my porch for 3 hours after fireworks were shot at people during a party, so you could make sure I was okay
When you let me cuddle you even though your friends would give you a hard time
When you told me you’d help me out if anyone ever hurt me
When you took a selfie with me
When you carried me everywhere *** I was tired
When you held my hand going down a steep trail because I couldn’t see and you knew I was scared
When you brought me extra food because you knew I skipped lunch
When you were protective over who I was friends with
When I came over to your house for the first time and we made pizza, gamed, and hung out with your family
When you had you first kiss with me

When you always showed you were protective of me and became the big brother I never had

When you told me you were bi on the first day we met
When you told me that only people you know well or that you like get to know you’re bi
When you cried and told me all your favourite facts and memories of a friend who had betrayed you
When you told me I had a cute nose
When you fell asleep holding my hand
When we hugged eachother after not seeing eachother for a year
When we kissed for the first time
When we kissed more
When you were my date
When you told me I was the only non-celebrity you’d go gay for
When we danced together
When we agreed to have an annual one week relationship

When you were the first girl I loved

When I met these people I never thought we’d get to the point were at now.
I doubt I’ve effected their lives as much as they’ve effected mine but it doesn’t even really matter because I have them and that’s all that matters to me

Here’s a little story
About a daughter
And her family

See the daughter has depression and anxiety
But the mother is oblivious
The mother is unaware of the depression
She genuinely believes that cutting and the fact that her daughter goes to therapy are linked to anxiety

And yet
Even though the mother seems to think that it’s only anxiety
Meaning that the anxiety is that extreme
She still wakes the daughter up
By screaming
She still questions the daughter
In front of a crowd
She still yells at the daughter, overwhelms her
And sends her into a panic attack

And yet all the people on the outside see is a mother worried about her daughter
And trying to help her
By taking her to therapy
But they don’t see the locked doors
They don’t see the screaming
The name calling
The belittling
They don’t see
That the mother
Is the reason that the daughter
Has to fight
So **** hard
To want to live

They don’t see that the daughter is only happy with her friends
They don’t see the scars on her arms, legs, and hips
They don’t see that the daughters only escape is when she’s not at home
They don’t see that the very therapist the mother takes her to
Is proud of the daughter
For staying alive
In such
Rough
Circumstances
Blood doesn’t mean family

But enough about the mother lets move on to the father.
The father that refused to pay child support for the first 3 years after the divorce
The father that had a second child, the daughter’s half brother, with another woman
The father that is engaged to a different woman now
The father that, when evacuated from his city due to a fire, took his fiancé to Jamaica instead of seeing his kids
The father that forgot his daughters birthday
The father that is “old school”
Which just means
Sexist
And homophobic
Blood doesn’t mean family

Next is the sister
The sister that supports me
The sister that laughs with me
The sister that understands how I feel
The sister that helps me when I need it
The sister that believes in me
That loves me
The sister creates fun and amazing stories and experiences with me
Just because she’s in the mood to have fun
The sister that raised me to be a good person
That taught me
And teaches me
How to get through life
Blood doesn’t mean family

Finally
The friends
The friend that gave me a reason to live
The friend that gave me a reason to laugh
The friend that showed me that it can get better and that they love and care for me and they don’t just “hope I get through this” but that they are going to be there and make sure that I get through this
The friend that marched with me with a rainbow
The friend that treated my relationships the same as straight ones
The friend that told me she’s open to the experience if I want to kiss her
The friends that I can flirt with and we laugh about it
The friends that I can flirt with and it becomes a little more than just friends
The friends who maybe I’m not as close with but who still show interest in my life and what I’m interested in and let me talk about activism because it makes me happy to empower people
The friend that made me believe in beautiful
The friend that stayed up with me when I had a nightmare about my molesting and help my hand until I fell back asleep
The friend that stated up all night on FaceTime singing songs together from our favourite band
The friend that boosts my ego when we go to the gym
The friend that cried when she found out I self harmed
The friends that worry about me and want me to get better
The friends that live far away
The friends that live close by
The friends that have shown me more love and happiness in the past year than I’ve known my whole life
The friend that was there even when I felt numb to the world and they just let me be but they made sure I know they’re here
The friends that ask questions when they don’t understand
The friends that are interested in what I do
The friends that offer me a place to stay should I need it
The friends who make sure I eat
The friends who worry when I don’t eat
The friends who sit at the back of the bus
The friends who get drunk
The friends who throw skittles at people
The friends who are in my class
The friends who are older than me
The friends who are younger than me
The friends who help me with homework
The friends who show me there are good people in the world
The friends
Who stick by me
And show me
That
Blood doesn’t mean family

We don’t choose the situation we are born into
But we do get to choose
Who our family is
So thank you
To my real family
For not only keeping me alive
But making me happy to be.

Long wavy brown hair
Freckles against otherwise creamy smooth skin
Long eyelashes and dark brown puppy eyes
Loud laughter and big smiles
Confidence boosting and adventure inducing
Long summer nights filled with new experiences
Long talks about things that hurt
Longer talk about things that don’t
Fun and mischief laced into every step
Every heartbeat being worth it
Absolutely breathtakingly perfection
Everything I’ve ever wanted
And for a while
I’ve finally got it
And you make everything so extraordinary

And I'll try to delay what you make of my life
But I don't want your way,
I want mine

I’m lying, I’m so very far from fine

I don’t believe, in talking just to breathe

I’m here to give you words as tools that can destroy my heart

He thinks that faith might be dead
Nothing kills a man faster than his own head

*** nobody knows he’s alive

I want to crack the door so I can just fall out

I begin to understand why god died

And I want everyone to know that I am half a soul divided

Don’t be afraid. We’re going home.

We had to steal him from his fate so he could see another day

Am I alive and well or am I dreaming dead?

Where all your blood is washed away and all you did will be undone

We pick songs to sing remind us of things that nobody cares about and honestly we’re probably more suicidal than ever now

If we wake up every morning and decide what we believe we can take apart our very heart and the light will set us free

Please don’t be afraid of what your soul is really thinking

It’s time you pick your battle, and I promise you this is mine.

I know what you think in the morning when the sun shines on the ground

But there’s hope out the window, so that’s where we’ll go, let’s go outside and all join hands but until then you’ll never understand

Simply suggest my chest in this confused music it’s obviously best for them to turn their guns to a fist.

I’m taking over my body back in control no more shorty

I fought it a lot and it seems a lot like flesh is all I got not anymore

You should take my life, you should take my soul

You are surrounding all my surroundings

Fight it. Take the pain ignite it tie a noose around your mind loose enough to breathe fine and tie it to a tree tell it “you belong to me this ain’t a noose this is a leash and I have news for you, you must obey me”

It ain’t the speakers that bump hearts, it’s our hearts that make the beat.

I’m pleading please oh please, on my knees repeatedly asking why it’s got to be like this, is this living free?

Some see a pen I see a harpoon.

I’ll stay awake, *** the dark’s not taking prisoners tonight

I don’t hear those voices calling, I must’ve kicked them out

Why won’t you let me go? Do I threaten all your plans I’m insignificant

I’m afraid to tell you who I adore, won’t tell you who I’m singing towards

I know it’s dire my time today

Somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence

Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it my pride is no longer inside it’s on my sleeve my skin will scream

There’s no hiding for me I’m forced to deal with what I feel there is no distraction to mask what is real

This time there’s no sound to hide behind

I find over the course of our human existence one thing consists of consistence and it’s that we’re all battling fear oh dear I don’t know if we know why we’re here oh my too deep please stop thinking

Peace will win and fear will lose

There’s faith and there’s sleep we need to pick one please because faith is to be awake and to be awake is for us to think and for us to think is to be alive and I will try with every rhyme to come across like I am dying to let you know you need to try to think.

I don’t wanna be heard, I wanna be listened to.

I scream you scream we all scream *** we’re terrified of what’s around the corner.

My brain has given up, white flags are hoisted

The stomach in my brain throws up onto the page

I don’t understand why everything I adore takes a different form when I squint my eyes have you ever done that when you squint your eyes and your eyelashes make it look a little bit right and then when just enough light comes from just the right side and you find you’re not who you’re supposed to be?
This is not what you’re supposed to see, please, remember me I am supposed to be king of kingdom, swinging on a swing, something happened in my imagination the situations becoming dire, my treehouse is on fire, and for some reason I smell gas on my hands. This is not what I had planned.

We’ll be on fire

We have romantic fantasies about what dying truly is

We all know somebody who knows somebody who’s doing great, I know some people who know people who are flying straight, but I’ll kindly enter into rooms of depression, while ceiling fans and idle hands will take my life again.

But I would rather sing a song, for the eyes to sing along

I’m holding onto what I know and what I know I must let go

Redemption’s not that far and darkness is going down.

Nobody thinks what I think, nobody dreams when they blink, think things on the brink of blasphemy I’m my own shrink think things are after me, my catastrophe.

Are you searching for purpose? Then write something and it might be worthless, paint something yeah it might be wordless pointless curses nonsense verses you’ll see purpose start to surface, no one else is dealing with your demons meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend.

They will play a game and say they know what you’re doing through and I tried to come up with an artistic way to say they don’t know you and neither do I

I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow

They will not take you down they will not cast you out

Dear friends here we are again pretending to understand how you think your world is ending sendin signals and red flags in waves it’s hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days
I pray that one day you see
The only difference between life and dying
Is one is trying that’s all we’re gonna do so try to love me and I’ll try to save you

Won’t you stay alive I’ll take you on a ride, I will make you believe you are lovely

Your redemption won’t grow stale, we are now just setting sail, on the seas of what we fear, treason now is growing near to me, I’m coming clean, god hit me straight on.

I know, where you stand, silent in the trees
And that’s where I am

Why won’t you speak, where I happen to Be? Silent in the trees standing cowardly
I can feel your breath, I can feel my death.
I want to know you, I want to see, I want to say, hello

I don’t believe my ears and I’m scared of my own head.

Clearly I am dying, dearly I am writing

I’m lying cause I say I am fine

I’m so sorry but I do believe that all my bridges I have burned and I’ve earned a policy of no return

Today, day, I want to go away, way

I put my sock on my feet, just so that my soul would fall through my toes, And I walk through my door, just so I don’t fall through the floor.

So bold and fearless in the risks we take, laugh in the face of gravity as it’s laws we’d break, on trampolines so high, we reach for the sky, but I do not look up anymore and I don’t know why.

I take my face off at the door because I don’t know who they will take me for

I’m the son of all I’ve done

When we’re done we’ll all have made something new under the sun

“Where’s your home? Where are you going and why are you here?”

I will tell you what I can, but your mind will take a stand, I sing of a greater love, let me know when you’ve had enough.

When your father turns to stone will you take care of me?
I will make you queen of everything you see, I’ll put you on the map, I’ll cure you of disease.
Let’s say we up and left this town and turned our future upside down, we’ll make pretend that you and me, lived ever after happily.

Since we know that dreams are dead, and life turns plans up on their head, I will plan to be a *** so I just might become someone.

Taking my only, friend I know. He leaves a lot. His name is Hope.

I’m never what I like, I’m double sided

*** I’m twisted up, I’m twisted up, inside my mind

When the sun is climbing window sills, and the silver lining rides the hills, I will be safe, for one whole day, until the sun makes the hills it’s grave.

By the time the nights wears off, the dust is down, and shadows burn, I will rise and stand my ground, waiting for, the nights return.

I do not know why I would go in front of you na shied my soul, *** you’re the only one who knows it

I don’t know why I think I could lie, *** there’s a screen on my chest

I’m standing in front of you I’m trying to be so cool, everything together trying to be so cool.

I can’t see past my own nose I’m seeing everything in slow-mo look out below crashing down to the ground

A train from the sky locomotive my motives are insane
My flows not great okay, I conversation with people who know if I flow on a song I’ll get no radio play.
While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I, who have a really tough time getting through this life so excuse us while we sing to the sky.

We’re broken people

I can’t take them on my own, my own, pa, I’m not the one you know, you know

Don’t wanna give you all my demons, you’ll have to watch me struggle, from several rooms away. But tonight, I need you to stay.

I am up against the wall, the wall, pa, I hear them coming down, the hall.

I want to drive away in the night, headlights call my name.
I’ll never be, be what you see inside, you say I’m not alone but I am petrified.

Is close the closest star? You just feel twice as far.

I’m so afraid, of what you have to say, cause I am quiet now, and silence gives you space

And the wrists of my mind had the bleeding lines that remind me of all the times I have committed

What kids are doing they’re killing themselves, they feel they have no control of their prisoner cells, and if you’re one of them then you’re one of me

Now the night is coming to an end

The sun will rise and we will try again

Stay alive, stay alive, for me.
You will die, but now your life is free take pride in what is sure to die.

I will fear the night again.

I hope I’m not my only friend.

There’s an infestation in my minds imagination

This not rap this is not hip hop, just another attempt to make the voices stop

This doesn’t mean I lost my dream it’s just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean.

Can you save my heavydirtysoul, for me?

If I didn’t know better I’d guess you’re all already dead

You’ve got one time to figure it out, one time to twist and one time to shout, one time to think and I say we start now

Death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit

I wish I found some better sounds no ones ever heard, I wish I had a better voice to sing some better words, I wish I found some chords in an order that is new, I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang

Now I’m insecure, and I care what people think.

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young, how come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from?

It would remind us of when nothing really mattered out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the ladder.

We used to play pretend give eachother different names

Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face saying wake up you need to make money

I wanna stay in the sun where I find, I know it’s hard sometimes

I think about the end just way too much, but it’s fun to fantasize

I won’t fall in love with falling

I’d die for you that’s easy to say we have a list of people that we would take a bullet for them a bullet for you

Metaphorically I’m the man but literally I don’t know what I’d do, that’s harder to do even harder to say when you know it’s not true and it’s harder to write when you know that tonight there were people back home that tried talking to you

All these questions they’re for real like who would you live for who would you die for and would you ever ****?

I’ve been thinking too much, help me

I’m fairly local, ive been around, ive seen the streets you’re walking down

I’m evil to the core, what I shouldn’t do I will, they say I’m emotional, what I wanna save I’ll ****. Is that who I truly am? I truly don’t have a chance. Tomorrow I keep a beat. And repeat yesterday’s dance

I’m not evil to the core, what I shouldn’t do I will fight. I know I’m emotional, what I wanna save I will try. I know who I truly am. I truly do have a chance. Tomorrow I’ll switch the beat, to avoid yesterday’s dance

It’s the few the proud and the emotional

The world around us is burning but we’re so cold

Our minds change on what we think is good, I wasn’t raised in the hood, but I know a thing or two about pain, and darkness, if wasn’t for the music I don’t know how I would’ve fought this.

I’m in constant confrontation with what I want and what is poppin in the industry it seems to me that singles on the radio are currency my creativities only free when I’m playing shows.

Who would you live and die for on that list but the problem is there’s another list that exists and none really wants to think about this forget sanity, forget salary, forget vanity my morality, if you get in between someone I love and me, you’re gonna feel the heat of my calvary

He cranked out those dismal chords, and his four walls declared him insane.

I found my way right time wrong place

I know my souls freezing hells hot for good reason

But I’m not good with directions and I hide behind my mouth, I’m a pro at imperfections and I’m best friends with my doubt.
Now that minds out and now I hear clear and loud I’m thinking wow I probably should’ve stayed inside my house

I don’t know if this song is a surrender or a revel. I don’t know if this one is about me or the devil.

Help me out, my friends and I we got a lotta problems

Wanted to be a better brother better son wanted to be a better advisory to the evil I have done I have none to show to the one I love

Polarize is taking your disguises sepersting then splitting them up from wrong and right, is deciding when to die and deciding when to fight

I don’t know where you are, you’ll have to come and find me

We have all learned to **** our dreams

I need to know that when I fail you’ll still be here. *** if you stick around I’ll sing you pretty sounds and well make money selling your hair

I don’t care what’s in your hair I just wanna know what’s on your mind.
I used to say I wanna die before I’m old but because if you I might think twice.

What if my dream does not happen. Would I just change what I’ve told my friend. Don’t want to know who I would be. When I wake from a dreamers sleep

Scared of my own image. Scared of my own immaturity

Fear might be the death of me. Fear leads to anxiety. Don’t know what’s inside of me.

Even when I doubt you, I’m no good without you.

Temperature is dropping, I’m not sure if I can see this ever stopping. Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thought no, you ar wall that I’ve got no.

I want the markings made on my skin, to mean something to me again.

Hope you haven’t left without me, please

Who I am today is worse than other times. You don’t know what I’ve done.

Why I’m in denial that they tried the suicidal session. Please use discretion when you’re messing with the message man, these lyrics aren’t for everyone only few understand.

Hope you’re dead *** how could you sleep at a time like this

I’m the kinda guy who takes every moment he knows he confided in
Music to use for others to use it

Life is up here but you comment below And the comments below will become
Common motivation to promote
Your shows next episode
So your brain know to keep going
Even though hope
Is far from this moment but you and I know it gets better when mornin finally reads it’s head, together we’re losers remember the future remember the mornin is when night is dead.

My people singing

Be the one to take my soul and make it undone

Be the one to take me home and show me the sun

Where we’re from, there’s no sun, our hometowns in the dark
Where we’re from, we’re no one, our hometowns in the dark.

We don’t know, how to put back the power in our soul

We don’t know, where to find, what once was in our bones.

I look outside and see a whole world better off without me in it trying to transform it.

Listen I know, this ones a contradiction because of how happy it sounds. But the lyrics are so down.
It’s ok though, because it represents Wait better yet it is, who I feel I am right now.

I’m a goner, somebody catch my breath

I wanna be known, by you.

Though I’m weak, and beaten down. I’ll slip away, into this sound.
The ghost of you is close to me.
I’m inside out, you’re underneath.

I’ve got two faces, blurry’s the one I’m not

I need your help to take him out

Don’t let me be gone.

I can’t believe how much I hate.
Pressures of a new place roll my way.

Spirits in my room, friend or foe?
Felt it in my youth feel it when I’m old

I’ll be right there, but you’ll have to grab my throat and life me in the air. If you need anyone
I’ll stop my plans, but you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands.

You can learn to levitate with just a little help

Cowards only come through when the hours late and everyone’s asleep mind you

My heart is with you hiding but my minds not made

No we are not just graffiti on a passing train I got back what I once bought back in that slot I won’t need to replace

Sever all I thought I could depend on my weekends on the freezing ground that I’m sleeping on please keep me from please keep me down from the ledges

At least they all know all they hear comes from a place.

When everyone, you thought you know, deserts your fight, I’ll go with you
You’re facing down, a dark hall, I’ll grab my light and go with you

Surrounded and  up against a wall, I’ll shred em all. And go with you
When choices end, you must defend, I’ll grab a bat, and go with you

Stay with me, no you don’t need to run, stay with me, my blood.

They’re callin for your head and they’re callin for your name, I’ll bomb down on em I’m comin through

Just keep it outside

If you find yourself, in a lions den, I’ll jump right in, and pull my pin.

East is up, I’m fearless when I hear this on the low
Easy is up, I’m careless when I wear my rebel clothes

They will know that, Dema don’t control us

They wanna make you forget

Save your razor blades now, not yet

I’m flying from a fire, from Nico and the Niners.

What I say when I wanna be enough what a beautiful day for making a break for it, we’ll find a way to pay for it, maybe from all the money we made razor blade stores, rent a race horse, and force a sponsor, and start a concert a complete diversion, start a mob and you can be quite certain we’ll win but not everyone will get out.

Can’t stop thinking about if and when I die for now I see that if and when are trike different cries for If is purely panic and when is solemn sorrow and one invade today while the other spies tomorrow

If I keep moving they won’t know I’ll morph to someone else

I’m just a ghost

Defence mechanism mode

What are we here for if not to run straight through all our tormentors

Anybody listening?

This beat is a chemical

Lovin what I’m tasting
Venom on my tongue
Dependant at times
Poisonous vibrations

I’m running for my life

Hide you in my coat pocket

Felt I was invincible you wrapped around my head now different lives I lead my body lives on lead the last two lines may read incorrect until said

I despise you sometimes I love to hate the fight and you in much life is like sippin on straight chlorine

Grows while I decay

Can you build my house with pieces I’m just a chemical

My interior world needs to sanitize
I’ve got to step through or I’ll dissipate
I’ll record my step through for my basement tapes

Nice to my kind will be on my side

And you know you’re a terrible sight but you’ll Be just fine

Your exterior world can step off instead
It might take some friends and a warmer shirt but you don’t get thick skin without getting burnt

No I don’t know which way I’m going
But I can hear my way around

I never look for conflict for the thrill

For you I would get beat to smithereens

And my problem? We glorify those even more when they

My opinion our culture could treat a loss like it’s a win and right before we turn on them we give them the highest of praise and hang their banner from the ceiling communicating further ingravjng and earlier grace is an optional way. No.

What’s my problem don’t get it twisted it’s with the people we praise who may have assisted

I could go out with a band they would know my name they would host and post a celebration . My opinion will not be lenient

We don’t get enough love well they get a fraction they say how could he go if he’s got everything I’ll mourn for a kid but won’t cry for a king.

Neon gravestones try to call for my bones

Promise me this. If I lose to myself you won’t mourn a day and you’ll move on to someone else

But they won’t get them

Don’t get me wrong the rise in awareness is beating a stigma that no longer scares us but for sake of discussion in spirit of fairness could we give this some room for a new point of view and could it be true that some could be tempted to use this mistake as a form of aggression a form of succession a form of a weapon thinking I’ll teach them well in refusing the lesson it won’t resonate in our minds I’m not disrespecting what was left behind just pleading that it does not get glorified maybe we swap out what’s it is that we hold so high. Find your grandparents or someone of age. Pay some respects for the other that they paved to life they were dedicated now that should be celebrated.

I could take the high road but I know that I’m going low

I’m a bandito

This is the sound we make when in between two places where we used to bleed and where our blood needs to be

In city I feel my spirit is contained like neon inside the glass they form my brain but I recently discovered it’s a heartless fire like nicknames they give themselves to uninspire begin with bullet now add fire to the proof but I’m still not sure if fears a rival or close relative to truth either way it helps to hear these words bounce off of you the softest school could be enough for me to make it through

I created this world to feel some control destroy it if I want so I sing Sahlo Folina

I can feel pressure start to posses my mind so I’ll take this beat I should delete to exercise

No I move slow I wanna stop time I’ll sit here til I find the problem

This clique means so much to this dude it could make him afraid of his music and be scared to death he could lose it

You were one of those classic ones
Traveling around this sun

I wish she knew you

You were here when I write this but the masters and mixes will take to long to finish to show you I’m sorry I did not visit did not know how to take it when your eyes did not know me like I know you

Then the day that it happened I recorded this last bit I look forward to having a lunch with you again

I’m tired of tending to this fire

Embers barely showing proof of life in the shadows dancing on my plans

They know that it’s  almost over

The burning is so low it’s concerning *** they know that when it goes out it’s a glorious gone
It’s only time before they show me why no one ever comes back with details from beyond

In time I will leave the city for now I will stay alive

Last year I needed change of pace
Couldn’t take the pace of change
Moving hastily
But this year
Though I’m far from home
In trench inches not alone
These faces facing me
They know what I mean.

Don’t tell me you Understand
Not until you’ve stared at a blank wall
With a blank face
For hours
And cried
Not until you’ve felt
Every little piece inside you break
And instead of feeling pain
Or sadness
You’re numb
Not until you’ve slit your wrists
Not trying to die
But not minding
If you do
Not until you’ve watched blood
Drip down your arm
And thought
It’s a nice colour
Not until you’ve done stupid stunts
And dangerous acts
Just to feel
Alive
Not until you’ve seen inside my head
The thoughts that live there
And tried
To die
Not until you’ve seen and felt
What I have
In this life
Will you ever understand

Don’t tell me you Understand.
Because you don’t.
I don’t

You can get in a mood where you’re so sad that you think you’ll never be happy again
Or be so happy you think you’ll never be sad again.

Sometimes you will feel very insecure and think little of yourself
Sometimes things will happen, and you will blame yourself

You will believe that you’ll never go anywhere in life
Compare yourself to others too much and wish you were more alike

And I know that these are not the only things that will challenge you through life,
So please dear friend listen well, I have some things that you should know.

Your parents are not always right about you
You are defined by you and your choices

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, they are different than you.
Different doesn’t mean bad, Autumn colour trees are nice, but so are flowery fields.

It’s okay to ask for help, it doesn’t make you weak in any way.

You will go places. You have a chance at a great future. Stay alive and see what it is

Other people will make choices that will hurt you. But it doesn’t mean it’s your fault.

You are amazing. You’re a good person
You can do that thing you’re scared of.
You won’t fail like you think you will
No one is judging you as much as you think
Your friends don’t hate you
Your music is cool
You clothes are nice
Your smile is pretty
Life will make sense
Good people exist
High school isn’t that scary
You will love yourself
You will feel loved
You will be lost
You feel feel sad again


You will feel happy again

Empty shell
Lively bells
Depression is my personal hell
Overflow thoughts
I am not
The girl that you originally sought
The bridge between
You and me
Is wider now than it’s ever been
You’re full of life
I hold a knife
Where I bleed is where you thrive
I want to die
Instead I cry
You worry I refuse to try
Soon I do
Then you do too
Now tonight I watch over you.

Do you ever feel like you’re running?
Like, you’re in a race, and you’re running faster than you’ve ever run before
Except
You’re in last place
And you can’t seem to catch up
In fact
The harder you push yourself to run faster
The farther away everyone else seems
Like in every situation you’re in, be it learning in school, or sports, or social interactions with friends, there’s this big chunk of stuff you’re missing, and everyone else is in on it, and you are left feeling confused, clueless, and less than yourself.
Do you know that feeling?
The one that you experience when the teacher always has to explain things to you a second time only they have to explain them differently, simpler, slower, every time, to the point where you no longer even listen to the first explanation.
The one when you’re with a group of people, and someone says a joke, implies soemthing, or even just speaks to you, and you turn to your friend so they can explain what’s going on.
The one when you begin to procrastinate everything especially school work and you begin just not even doing it, because if you don’t do it then no one can say you’re dumb, instead you’re just lazy.
The one when you start to understand why sometimes you are offered the same extra help as the kids seen as “special cases”
The one when you always feel lost, and start to believe you have no chance in life because you how could you go anywhere if you are constantly behind everyone else.
Do you know that feeling?
I know that feeling well.


I’m tired of always being behind everyone

“I could live a thousand lives
And your eyes would calm me in all of them”

You said to me
As if people still spoke that way

They were words from a time before ours
When people still wore their hearts on their sleeve

And I knew then,
That I could never let you go
And no matter what should happen

I’d know you forever

I write what I think
I think what I feel
I feel what the world gives me

The world gives me hope
The world gives me hopelessness
It gives me love
And lack of it
It gives me pain
And fear of it
Gives me beauty
And all forms of it
Gives me happiness
And ways to keep it (I still lose it)

All of these things, I write.

But you have to be in pain to be a writer

When I write about being violated
It becomes infamous
When I write about dying
Everyone loves it
But
When I write about the one thing that brings me happiness
Everyone is silent

You are silent

Because
People don’t want to see you’re getting better
People don’t care what’s brought you hope
They don’t care that you are finding happiness.
They want you to write what they feel
Write what they think but can’t say themselves so that they have someone to relate to
Write their pain so that you can be seen
Write how they feel in order to be alnowledged

But I don’t want to write for them
I only want to write for me
What I feel
What’s in my head
But I’ll never be known by doing that
Because I’m trying to get better
I’m trying to be happy

But you have to be in pain to be a writer

The way you touch me
I want to cry
a gentle, comforting hug
as we whisper our goodbyes

and the way you look at me
its as if
we are your favourite song
and I'm the melody

when I'm around you I feel okay
like happy isn't a part
I need to play
but a part of me and I have to say,
I love it.

every time we hug
I swear I can feel every broken piece of me
being put back all snug
and in that moment I know
that I can love.

I tell myself
Think of him
Another red **** on my arm
He doesn’t want you to do this
Another one
He loves you
Again, this time deeper
He will worry for you
I waver
He will see them
Don’t care. I return to the fluid motion
He will ask you why
The blood drips down my arms
He will want you to stop
I want to stop
He will help you if you let him
I don’t need anyone’s help
Yes you do
I know
So get it
I can’t. I will fix this myself.

I won’t make anyone else deal with my ******* problems

I don’t know
If I believe in soulmates
Or fate

But if you told me
That something
Or someone
Had planned for us to meet
And made each of us
For the other

My darling I don’t know
If I would be able
To argue

You are
Everything I always dreamed of
And
Everything
I could’ve never imagined

They tell me to write what I know
But they also tell me to write the truth
so I think I'll write what I know to be true
Though that list is quite long so I'll start with a few
I know that the sun shines always, even when we can’t see it
I know that growing up is scary, and there’s no way I can flee it
I know that sometimes people leave
I know that it makes you feel like it’s your fault,
Like you could’ve done something.
I know that you will sit alone and start to wonder why
I know that it’s important you learn, that’s its okay to cry.
I know that you’ll build up walls, way too high to climb
I know people would break them down, if you will let them try.
I know that you’ll be scared to love, even just a friend
I know you will think they’ll leave, and leave you alone again.
But I know that there are good people out there
I know you’ll let them in
And when you let your walls come down
Your life will then begin

18
What a strange age

Expected to grow up
Expected to change

But there is a problem
With what they request,
I’m not quite done growing
And I’m still quite a mess

They tell me I’m ready
That I have to move on

Won’t somebody tell me
Where my childhood’s gone?

What are these taxes?
Why must I move out?
If I haven’t the money,
Shall I sleep on the ground?

Nobody told me
How to accept
The loss of my childhood
As a normal event

It may not have been nice
And it may not have been good
And I might have been through stuff
That no child should

But I am not ready
To give it all up
To trade for my hours,
Everyday at a job

I don’t know how to fight it
I’m not sure I can

But at least I am finding
The person I am

At 18 I’m growing
And I’ll keep in my hand
That of another me,
The one of my Past

I know why I was running as fast as I could
I know why I still felt as though I wasn’t good
When everyone else understood what was said
While I was thinking what’s wrong with my head

The signs were all there
I wish I had known
I wish I had seen them
Each time they had shown

No I am not lazy
Nor am I dumb
I am not broken
And there’s no need to run.

Yes I still need them
To speak to me different,
I need things explained to me
Slowly,  just need a second

My brain works differently
And I sense more than most
I hear the electricity
Louder than your voice when you talk

There’s no race that I’m running
So I can’t be behind
I do things my own way
that works for my mind

I’m different than them
But that’s nothing wrong
I’ve learned a lot about me
And who I’ve been all along

I am at peace now
I know where I belong
I’ve found others just like me
I’m not helpless after all
I am just me
And you are just you
And we are both different
Your needs are special too.

Poems don’t always rhyme,
This ones a fine example,
For some are more a story then poetry
And that’s what this has become
A story
Or more
An observation
From me
See
I know this great guy
I have these great friends
I think I’ve found my identity
The world is starting to make a little bit of sense
My life was at a low point
The lowest of lows
And depression became my friend
More of an ally then actual allies
But now
My life is getting better
My family is still broken
But I’m learning to accept that
And move past it
I’m learning how to get through life
And I’m happy
I’m happy
Most of the time
I’m happy
Some of the time
No
I’m not happy
I could be
I should be
Once in a while
I am
When I’m with him
I smile
For the most part
I feel whole
And yet
As we stood up on top of that
Tall, steep, rocky hill
As I held his hand
As he looked at me
As he told me he kept thinking about me
All I could think about
Was how badly I wanted to jump
It’s not over yet
It’s never

the fight to want to be alive

Will never end
Some poems rhyme
But some are just stories
When will mine end?

Sometimes, even when I feel I’m numb
Even when the blood drips down my arm
Drips off the tip of my thumb
You’re still there

Sometime in the last year you saved me
Even when I wanted so badly to die
You told me not to leave
You were there

Somewhere along the way you became important
You’d given me hope that I could live
Even if I said “I can’t”
You were there

Somehow you went from friend to Family
But a better family than I’d ever had
You felt like an anomaly
You were there

For some reason
Somehow
Somewhere
Sometime ago
You stayed

And you’re still here

Roses are dead
Violets are dying
You tell me that I’m barely trying
I’m crying I’m dying
I’m foolishly using the time I’m buying
To tell you I’m fine
That I’m okay
That no, I don’t want to die today
But I’m lying
Well not completely lying
It’s not that I want to die but more
I don’t want to be alive
Alright?
So see I really am trying
But trying so hard if inside you’re dying
Like the violets and the roses
You’re so done
With the violence and the rope says
He can help you out of here
You’ll take the chance he can take you anywhere
Where the people are all ok and the parents start to care
But the rope is wrong
His promises give a scare
As you realize he’s leading you up some grand white stairs
To a gate  
And you think you’ve finally met your fate
And then a small thought creeps inside your head
You wonder if you’re really left of better dead
And you think of your life and all the little pretty things that made you feel you were the King of Kings
The happiness that life sometimes brings
Between the stings
The times when you feel like there’s hope to find
You’ll start to find
The glowing gates aren’t really looking all that kind
And you’ll close your eyes
And you’ll realize that you should give life one last try
To do you right
And you’ll walk back down those stairs and return to life

And years from now when you think back to this dark night
You’ll smile and be thankful that you walk away
From the gates that day
You made your life worth living and love everyday

So don’t go up the stairs just yet
Please just give it one more shot
Give all you’ve got
You’ve got to see the love that you’ve always sought

Children stopped dreaming
Lives were fleeting
People are leaving
Knives were for eating
Nights were for sleeping
Rope was for leaping

Parents stopped caring
Kids were more daring
Our hearts stopped sharing

I stopped hiding
Started showing my scars
Stopped watching for cars
Bottled my feelings in a jar
Never dared to look at the stars

I'm going to jump
I hope I fall hard

I finally thought I was getting better
But then for Christmas my dad bought me two knives
And my only thought
Was how dumb he is to gift me
That which can only lead
To my own destruction

You aren’t on my mind every second
It’s not that I’m always thinking of you
I simply get reminded of you
You are all hidden throughout my world
And each reminder makes me think of you
Multiple times through my day
And with each
Comes a little bit of hope
A little bit of calm
Little bit of you
A little bit of love

E
I hear you in every song that instills in me hope and love
In ever word that comforts my crying eyes
I see you in every elephant, real or statue,
In every saxophone
In every street corner with skid marks from drifting
I feel you in every hug,
Every hand hold
In every laugh
And in every tear.
You are in every day that I’m happy to be alive

Frenchy
You’re present in every day, mostly literally, but sometimes not
I see you in every frenchy fry
In every meme, especially bert and Ernie
In everything Disney
In twinkling Christmas lights
In dorky posts that fangirls over friends
In every friendship I observe
I
I hear you in every song that makes me jam
And every situation where it’s hard to make a decision
In every dog bark or cat meowing
I feel you in every fuzzy blanket, sock, or hoodie
In every cuddle, or jumping puddle
You are in everyday that gives me a sense of pure joy or child like wonder

In every thing that brings me joy, in every day that I’m alive, in every sound that brings with it a memory, you are there.
I may not think of you at every second
But I promise you
You’re with me in every day.
I don’t know how many different ways there are to love a person
But I think you two are my favourites.

How are you feeling?
You need to eat.
Just get at it and get it done.
I am the grown up
I know more than you
You are the child
Stop over reacting
The phone is the problem
I hope you have kids as awful as you
You’re greedy
Be quiet
I wish I still had a hot little body like you
Just try telling her how you feel
Did you talk to her about it
Did you hand it in
I’m your mother I can touch you if I want to you don’t get to have boundaries with me
Your sister was the same way
Stop blaming you anxiety
Don’t use your depression to get out of things
Just try
You said you were gonna stop
I thought you said it was a good day
What happened
You don’t work hard enough
You’re cute
You just need to calm down
That’s your own fault
Stop
Why didn’t you talk to me
Is it my fault
That’s life

I reach my small arms out for you
crying because of how much  missed you
but my arms are bound at my sides like glue
my crying isn't heard fore my mouth is gagged too
my I love you's go unheard
instead you use words to beat me black and blue
you shove me in a corner to think about what I've done but what did I do?
I learn soon what is true
that you don't understand
You never really will
all you care for is yourself
who cares if I skip my pill
no longer will I trust you with the thoughts that plague me
For when you hear them all you do is yell
why do you hate me

I long for the day, when I am able to say
I’ve been angry for so long
I’m not angry anymore.


I have a feeling it’s close

But I know it’s not here.

what has happened
I think I’ve lost touch
With reality
It can happen
I’ve lived enough
With tragedy

If we all bow our heads
To avoid what lies ahead
We’ll miss the good that comes our way
And be miserable instead

I think I’m giving up
I think I’ve had enough
Of this ****** up world and it’s lies
No I don’t think I’ll be alright

It’s time to go
And I don’t know
If Or when I will return
I hope in hell that I don’t burn

To those I’ve met
Please don’t forget
Me

Don’t forget the things I said
Please keep my memories

When I’m
Gone

Sometimes I think
I should just get it over with already
Ya know
Even if it doesn’t work
Maybe then they’ll all know
They’ll all see me
They’ll understand why.
Maybe then I can understand
Why anyone would be so cruel
Why anyone would want to hurt someone
What I did..
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel a hole in my chest
Or a rock in my gut
Or a clamp on my heart
Maybe I wouldn’t feel like someone is pushing all the air out of my lungs and all the water in my body up towards my eyes where it won’t stop spilling out
Like an endless ocean
Over endless people
Who I couldn’t help
Who I couldn’t trust
Who I couldn’t forgive
Who never really gave a ****
Maybe if I just tried it. Really tried it
Maybe if I’m unsuccessful they’ll at least let me leave
Give me a break
Let me heal from what they did
Maybe if I’m not successful
But almost
Maybe they’ll learn
Maybe they won’t do the same thing they’ve done before
Maybe if I just try
I can be worth something

My heart feels very painful and I’m afraid That soon I may give out
Where did he ever learn
To love so painfully

The stars
Little whispers of light
In an otherwise silent void

Music
Little glows of sound
In an otherwise pitch black house

A hug
A sweet embrace
In an otherwise bitter day

I wish it didn’t hurt
I wish I could say that all I am is angry
That I don’t care

I wish I could look you in the eye
Without feeling such conflict

I wish I stopped loving you
When I started hating you

I wish you never had me

I wish you’d been happier

I wish you’d been nicer

I wish that I could have two parents

I wish we weren’t fighting all the time

I wish you understood me

I wish I didn’t care when I saw you in pain
Because of my words

I wish I could leave, and feel satisfied

I wish I hated you for how you’ve hurt me

I wish you would leave me alone

I wish you would hug me more

I wish you’d stop asking about my life

I wish I could tell you about my day

I wish I knew you when you were younger

I wish you didn’t love me

I wish we weren’t like this


I wish you didn’t hurt me

I wish you still couldn’t


I wish I was detached from you and could leave without feeling guilty


I wish I didn’t love you anymore


I just wanted you to be proud

I will write about happiness
I will not delve into the pain
For if you heard the though I have
I fear I’d never hear from you again

I will talk of the sunshine and smiles
To convince myself it’s true
That I haven’t cried in a while
That I haven’t been feeling blue

When I sing you’ll hear the major chords
My melody so sweet
But then you ask me to talk some more
Just start the music please

Don’t let it
Engulf you
The darkness
We go through
Is meant to be left behind
Won’t let it
Engulf us
The fire
We walk through
Burning the darkest night

I only wish that I could tell you
what the world is going to do
But if you can't tell I don't have a clue
My whole world is upside down

I think the reason
We don’t believe in magic
Is because we simply aren’t looking
In the right places

I used to believe
Magic was only in fairy tails
That it was make believe

We might not have
Magic wands
We might not hear
A sirens song

But dancing there
In time with you
My eyes found yours
Your starlight blues

And in those moments
When your eyes meet
Your thoughts are the same
And you’re both so at peace

If you’re telling me
That that isn’t magic
When the world is all sparkly
And you forget feeling numb

If you try to tell me
That I have gone crazy
Then I will simply tell you
I have always been

Because those moments
When you’re safe
And you’re loved
And you’re all that I want
There is no other word
That could possibly describe

I believed in magic
The day I first kissed you

It always makes complete sense
Or absolutely none at all
Mostly it’s the second
And the second means the first to fall

We’re leaving bruises in the shapes of handprints in our effort to hold on to eachother
While being pulled apart
Your grip could break every bone in my body
And I’d be grateful you held on