I've been told to trust time
Like somehow it would save me from the night
When my dreams threaten to eat me alive
Like festering rot
That continued to develop over trusted time

When I was told to trust in time
I took his advice
I truly thought that everything
Would simply be alright
But time started to devour my bones
Leaving me without a soul

I've been trusting time
For a while now
Waiting for it to save me
But maybe time
Is what was wrong with me to begin with

My march towards a place without time
Is growing increasingly fast
As I sit on my bed, I wonder
How long I will last

She stood there
Like the sun sits in the sky
Blank and waiting
Breathing until the moon arrives
Her dark skin
Is a memory
Of the ash and soot she trudged through
Just to get to the battlefield
Just to say, 'I told you'
Her hair is weeping in the wind
A matted mess of former glory
She wonders would she have ever been
What she wanted if she had the chance too
But alas this girl was strong and wise
A memory of days gone by
Remembered only by the past
A memory that is bound to last

I hate this so much
When I haven't been numbed
By society's icy disposition
And nothing has told me I am horrid
Or that I am nothing
I'm feeling again
And the feeling isn't dread

The forest of fears
Has captured my heart
It has told me
I can do anything I want
Just as long as I give up my mind
With only a blink,
I say no
But I wonder if the Forest knew I was feeling again
So just in case, I wasn't feeling it
I should start feeling pain.
But I hate feeling, I hate that I am vulnerable again
Even though I have always wanted someone
To save me
But I am unsavable
Because I am my own soldier
Who is so ******* tired of feeling

what if i told you one of my teachers
told me that men wouldn't love me
if i didn't stop biting my nails
or that if i kept my hair short,
people would think that i was a boy
and that i should continue to care what they think
over what you like
what you want to do.

now what if i told you i was five when my teacher told me that?
what if i told you i was a child
when i was told i was undesirable to the opposite ***

what if i told you
that today in class
we had an argument about basic human rights
that we were arguing about how people who weren't white
or cis
or straight were less than human
and the people that defended them
the people who said that they were people
were called "the blue hair girls"
and criticized
and told that they were bullying
the teen boys who were being small-minded
simply for trying to explain to them how they're humanity
and how it's okay

what if i told you that i was told i would never make it
that my dreams weren't reachable
and that i should lower my standard
to be accepted
and when i pushed back,
they told me that i was a *****.
i didn't argue,
because i still believe them.

what if i told you that fathers could steal their daughter's virginity
and still be notified that she was getting rid of the baby
that he placed inside of her
that he still got a say in where it went
and if she could actually get an abortion

what if i told you
that people thought it was okay
to be cruel and god awful
and say that it's all because of what the bible says
because jesus said that it was wrong
that people got away with years and generations of sexism
and racism
and homophobia
just because they thought the bible told them that it was wrong.

what if i told you i wanted out of this world
what would you do?
would you even care?
i don't think that you would.
you would move on
thinking that it would be weird
if you tried to offer your help.

what if i told you it wasn't?

I was going to write a poem about chains and dungeons
Just to illustrate how you had trapped me
But that wasn't true
You haven't trapped me
I have trapped myself
In your strange wake that bring me near
Then pushes me back out the ocean of the people caught on your riptide

I was going to write a poem about chains and dungeons
Just so that I could tell about what you had done
How you had kept me there to torture me
And how you didn't know that you were
But then I found that it was all a lie

I was going to write about chains and dungeons
Tell about how you did this to me
But I decided to tell the truth about  this cage
It's made of the strongest brick,
The biggest chains that wrap around me like a python
But this torture
It's self-imposed

my hair has started falling out,
and there's one too many canker sores in my mouth
my gums have started to climb back
revealing more and more of a yellow, throbbing tooth
i have dark circles under my eyes,
and my weight is no longer consistent
i'm tired
and can't stop crying
because this isn't just forgetting to shower anymore
this isn't just taking an extra long nap
because you're trying to avoid your problems
this is no longer a seasonal sadness,
i can see it on my face
and in my eyes

i was already half dead long ago
i guess my body just had enough waiting

He has dark hair
Almost like the night
Dark enough to seem as though it was black
Even though it was blue shining bright
He is completely different in the day
Saying things he would never say
His mouth is a cruel curve
Because everything he says is absurd
His eyes a gleaming blue
To match his night-like hair
He isn't you
I wish you were here

after last night
when you said you didn't want me
and you toyed with me
and you hurt me
i don't want to talk to you
i kind of want to pretend that it never actually happened
but i can't actually do that
not really
i can't just run back to you and apologize,
say that it's all fine
i did some things too
some things that probably hurt you
somethings that i regret
even if i refuse to apologize for them
i feel bad
but i kind of don't at the same time
you said some pretty freaking hurtful ****
i wish that it wasn't like this

but is it even really like this?
or is it just pity?
is it just you trying to make me feel better?
hoping that I do something better
the bottom line is that I don't believe you
I don't believe any of it
I'm sorry but
am I really?

I don't know anymore
I really have no idea what this is
and I really, really hate it

Don't tell me
That I don't know what it feels like
To stress

Don't tell me that I am too young
To understand

I am tired
Of being told
That I don't know

Please tell me that I am smart
Ask me to talk

Don't tell me
That I am things I am not

Fear is consuming
I don't want to live
But I'm too scared to die
I wonder what I'm worth
If my life is worth anything at all

Depression is consuming
It eats away at me with it's acidic teeth
I have been poisoned
This is what depression does to me

Emotions consume me
Leaving me alone and afraid
Fear fills my bones
As I wonder what is there left to live for
Is there anything left to live for
Other than the rainy days that me feel right
And the way I feel on those lonely gloomy nights

People don't understand why there's nothing left of me
I have been consumed by everything I find consuming

i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out,

i'm really good at it.
really good at ******* water into my lungs

and falling asleep
never to get back up

i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out

this feeling
in my chest

that won't go away
and always ******* persists

it what it feels like to drown
burns

a lot really,
more than you'd think

like if they opened your chest,
filled it with alcohol and lit it up

i took drowning lessons the other day,
thought maybe it would wash me clean

i thought
it could wash away the pain.

Someone said to me they didn't want me
I was far too harsh to be loved
Far too scared to be nice
Someone said to me
I wasn't capable of feeling love
I wasn't ever going to be relaxed

Someone said to me the reason people don't like me
Is because I'm far too strong
In will, in personality
To ever be wanted

They all started talking
Saying things that weren't true
Someone said they didn't want me
Because of the way I am

if i told you all of the dark things
all of the pathological lies i've told
you wouldn't trust me any more
so when i tell you this
believe me
because it might be the only reliable thing i say
don't trust me
don't listen to me
and never think that the words i'm saying are real

Let's just say...
That someday we figured it out
We figured out what it all means
Why we are actually all here
Wouldn't it be a slap in the face
If we just figured out
That we were here for nothing
That all of this struggling
And one-sided love
And hatred
Was for nothing
That we were never supposed to learn anything
Never supposed to figure out who we are
Or help other people that we loved
Wouldn't you be taken aback
That we were here
For nothing at all?
That all those beliefs you had about yourself
And about the world
They were never real
And I know that I'm just rambling
But I don't care
What would you think of it
If we found out we meant nothing at all?

you can ******* try
to hate me more
i don't think that you'll be able to
but you can certainly try
how is that working out for you?
how is hating me,
and talking **** about me
and never saying anything to my face doing?
does it feel good to never have confrontation?
does it feel nice to know that i'll "never find out"?
because i can tell you right now that i will.

so you can try
with all of your might
to destroy me with your words
and i'll just sit here and take it
because sometimes it's hard not to

The paper was crumpled
Where her tears had fallen from the air
She put everything into the pencil marks on the page
Until the day in which it was torn away
She cried so more when people read the words
And called her strange for feeling something inside

The only thing strange was that she felt what they did
Only so much more
They were too scared to show it
Too scared to write it down
Until that day when her tears streaked
The crumpled paper
In which her feelings were shown

She was one of them too
She knew that they would never know
How it felt to have it all there
On the crumpled paper
Because the paper never called you strange
It knew all too well that pain that you were feeling
And everything that you were going through
She found that crumpled
Piece of paper
Quite relatable

I'm afraid to love
Because I know people who "loved"
And hated it
Because it made them feel everything at once

And it hurt them
Because love is blind
And I'm afraid to love
Because I already can't see

how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when there was never actually anything between you and me
never anything real at least
there were looks back and forth
and blank stares on my side of things
but i found those eyes of yours like a pool,
one that wanted to drown me
to take me into their lugubrious depths
dismal dismay of the broken ones
was my newest fate
so tell me
how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when it's the same?
when i'm still drowning
and you still don't care
and i'm still in an oddly chaotic place

i've started watching children's movies
because i can't take a big plot anymore
after everything that i've seen,
something more than a kid's plot makes a dull pain in my head

i've made everything light green,
so i don't overload on color
so that my senses aren't assaulted by the barrage of defiance
willing me to speak at it's unsightlyness

i've started shutting down,
going into to default,
because if i keep creating personalities for other people,
i might just explode

i've left everyone alone
because i can't be trusted anymore.

sitting here waiting
waiting, waiting still
but you'll never be here will you?
you'll never show up in time,
so i'll be sitting here waiting
wishing for your magical appearance
like a magic show you pay me to watch.
keeping me hooked on your constant entertainment
needing you to be there
but you're not going to show up.
so i'll be sitting here waiting.
see you when i see you, i guess.

Her eyes are a green ocean that you could float in all day
Her fur a crimson that will wash you away
My smile grows when I look at her face
And I find myself when I pet her softly

A beauty everyday of the week
My Sasha is truly unique
Her mellow attitude and gentle breath
With put me to sleep, a gentle caress
Sasha is the most beautiful one
Sasha is Rylie's dog

i sit on the throne
blood and mercury dripping down my silver crown
made of sharp diamonds and blades
regal dark green dress as i smile down at you
i've lost myself
but honestly, i don't care
the power rush is too much
sweet heart, best you leave before i hurt you

it's cold in my castle all alone
but for once i control something

he gave me a cunning fox smile
and i lost it

that desperate art kid who writes poetry in the dark
the little one in the corner, that's me

he was this god.
gorgeous, and funny
chaotic like he was a trickster, and i loved it

and now i'm alone
and hoping to see them again

every single last part of me knows that i never will again
that our already small time together was dwindling
and soon they'd move onto something new

i'm just a little tired
that's all

a tiny bit delusional
nothing else

i wouldn't worry about me
not yet, at least

Dear moonchild,
If you are reading this
You know about the sun
How its rays mean it's our time to sleep
Because we aren't the normal creatures of the Earth
Sometimes they tell us
That our smiles are menacing
When we meet up at the in-betweens
Dawn, and dusk
I've only known a few day wakers
They found me too profound
My silvery skin
And gray hair too much from them
My smile brought tears
My skin too real for them
You see, moon child,
You'll always be too different for the day wakers
But it doesn't matter
Because we sleep with the moon
The natural state of the Earth
In the forest
With all of the other little creatures
They thought too extreme
Or not extreme enough for them
We are never right
But I think
In their pink skin
And brown hair
They look like fools
Their stupidity detracting away from their non-existence
So moon child,
Only rise when the moon is up
And sleep when it is down
We don't follow the rules
Of the day waker's sun

Do you remember
When we aimed to happy and pleased
Remember the days when being normal was being happy?
Now that I am in this horrid years
Between the age of 12 and 20
I am stuck with feeling unhappy
Amidst so many others
With less than maintained roads ahead
Remember the days when we didn't wish for death?
Remember when life was easier
Instead of shrouded with hate
Just looking at another person
And waiting for the feeling to fade
Remember the days when we didn't care?
When we didn't care about our clothes
And what made us look fat
Our faces or who we make laugh?
Remember the days when I was loved
And not just seen as a miserable *****?
Remember the days when I had you
To soothe my burning hateful itch
Remember when we didn't have to fear adults?
When we didn't question their intentions
Remember when we were just obnoxious adolescents?
When life was just making your parents annoyed
And butting heads
Remember when life
Was actually fun to live?

Become the character
That you write
Lose your reality
A little more
Every night
I am tired of this dullness
Give me an adventure
Let me become the character
That I have worked on so hard
To write

only in dreams
do i let myself feel happy
only in dreams
do i finally let loose
let my mind venture into depths unexplored
only in my dreams
do i say all of the pretty words
that irrelevant to reality
only in dreams
have i loved you
or at least let myself
because when i love in real life
it hurts

There was nothing I could do
As the knife sunk into your flesh
I was unaware
Of all the pain that I was causing you
The blade that I had
Steadily sinking into you skin
And there was nothing I could do
But say sorry and beg for acceptance from you

I'm so sorry that I hurt you
I never meant you any harm
Sorry for all of the lies that I told
And sorry for the times that you believed them

But there was nothing I could do
As the blade I wielded broke your flesh
And the marks that I made deepened
Causing so much pain

But there was nothing that I could do
There was nothing to be done that could possibly save you

i don't know what to write
but i haven't run out of ideas
they're just all jumbled in my head,
one huge mess that i need to uncoil
but the wires in my head are too strong
unable to bend to my thoughts to what i need them to be
like i'm trying to build a sculpture
but the clay refuses to be worked with
turns to steel, which turns to rock
which then crumbles to stone

so, i've hit a rut in the road
and now here i am
writing to an audience who doesn't care for me
who don't really bother reading my poems
just to tell them, i don't know what i'm doing.
i hope you're okay with that.

it astonishes me that no one else feels this way
when it's so normal for me
to feel this waterfall of everything all around me
like rain, if there wasn't any air
falling to fast
and all at once
like a sheet of sadness
it makes me happy that no one else feels it
but also a tad crazy
to know that other people do actually cry when they're sad
not just a few drops
when they explode

we couldn't find the page you were looking for
the one where you made the mistake of asking the internet
if you were ******* normal
haha what a laugh
obviously people don't have thoughts like yours
it's quite clear that people don't have to constantly fight themselves
but hey its me
isn't it?
i'm full of wonders, aren't i?

it's a lonely feeling
here with all of these people
none of them talking to me
none of them noticing me
all i am is nothing
here with all of these people
none watching as the tears fall from my eyes
none of them caring
as i worry away about things that i shouldn't care about
it's lonely here and it hurts
i wish it didn't
otherwise, it's not so bad
all of these people not bothered by me
it's not bad at all

dark forest and a couple high teens
the world is spinning around us
as we realize we left ours
glitter and stars and constant laughter
let the music that hits just right
play all around us
like i submerged in the liquid of this feeling
let's hold hands
and cry tears of silver
as saturn decides to play the moon
in our epic play of worlds
will you come with me?
join me in darkness darling
let us be children again
let's believe in magic again

you know that i can't miss the way it was
because we never were
nothing can be used in that way
that grouping "we"
i could never say that about you
all i was to you
was nothingness
a friend you needed to comfort
when all the words didn't get to her head
i obviously couldn't say the same about you
you were so much more to me than you could ever think
all of the words you said
all the warmth i felt in your skin
resonated in my head for weeks
there was no "us"
but i keep talking about it as if there was

C rying all the night through

R inging our the pillow case

Y ou haven't come home yet

I doubt that it with ever happen

N ever felt like this before

G o away. I know of you lies

all the stars are soaked in tears.
all of the night's darkness covered in concealer
and precariously perched sunglasses.
the moons craters can be healed by some cold water
and carefully applied eyeliner.
but why should we cover what happened?
i mean, it just happened,
it just is.
it's not anything except itself,
right?
there are special tears reserved for the night,
for those particular shadows.
sometimes, it's best that the sun doesn't get jealous
that the moon is the only one who gets to see you like this.
'why love the moon
when it is only a reflection?' the sun asks
'it's like loving a mirror,
it's never going to be real'

oh but the moon knows why you love it
there is no such flattering light
as that which falls on your tears
when you decided to stop brushing them away.

my eyes are bleeding
red dots fill my sclera
my cornea is bruised
from seeing all this chaos

my iris is small
and my pupil big
from all the darkness
in which I had to live

I am sorry to everyone
whose life I have darkened
but will you please stop darkening mine
it's just not fair.

Please stop making my eyes bleed
it hurts too much to stand
I cannot live this way
my life is out of command

please let my eyes take a break
from the screen
please

I want a rest
to not be imprisoned
behind my eyes
because the world has been harsh
and there is so much punishment
for being who you are

let my bleeding eyes rest

you get bored and change the subject
find something you find fascinating
and throw it at us
just to spice it up
but i'm done with your self-inflicted plot twists
done with the manipulation
i wasn't done talking
wasn't done telling you how i hurt
but that's fine
lets talk about something different
please
by all means

I looked into those green eyes
and found warmth there
the potential that you might just care about me
as I cared for you
a looked into those green eyes
and found that they didn't flinch away
when they met these dull rocks in my skull
I looked into those green eyes
and hoped beyond hope
that they held the same emotion mine did
that same feeling
I felt for you
when you first met me

Broken words
Sharper than glass
Break the girl's heart
As the blade breaks her skin
What you had done
Has broken her apart
She wanted your love
She wanted to know that you cared
But when she found out the truth
And how many miles away it was
She started breaking apart

She wanted your love
She wanted you heart
But she never wanted you
To break her apart

coping by not caring
by not eating anymore
taking away the things i need
like sleep and a peaceful mind
now everything around me is like a battlefield
a battlefield mind
and battlefield soul
and everything else is nothing
my aching stomach, just a side effect
my never-ending headache
well, it's always been there

If a sea could made of tears
Mine would overflow
If something could burn
You from the inside out
I would be ash
If you could drown in shame
My lungs would be full of water
If it was a crime to love someone
That made you hate yourself
I would be charged 20 years to life

i don't even think that i'm heart broken
i don't think that it hurts that much
i just feel something else inside that isn't okay
that isn't happy or light
it's like an infection running deep
heavily dragging at my heart
like stupidity and hopelessness
i'm trying to dream up a way
to make this hurt less
so far,
not much is working

Thrown away
When you are done
I'm tired
Of being disposable

I can understand
That it might be strange
To write of green eyes and their depth
When really I know nothing of it
I was lost in golden eyes
And pretty smiles
Admiring your face when you didn't notice
I never really saw, did I?
Kind of ironic

What is this feeling?
This anxiety about everything
Makes me feel so sick
I can't eat without regretting it
Without wanting to gag
I haven't slept eight collective hours
Within the last three days
I don't know what's happening to me
But I hate it
With all of me
I hate that I can't make it go away
Just by deep breathing and being mindful
That it keeps breaking into my thoughts
I keep trying to blame it on you
But I don't think it is
I think all of the years feelings
All of the ones I pushed aside so I could feel them later
I think they all chose now
To freak out
And make me hurt
And this beast the keeps producing the butterflies in my stomach
It isn't you or me,
It's just all of those things
That I didn't want in my life
Bringing me down

I didn't even know
That I would stay up this long
Because I am TIRED guys
Not crazy so..
leave me alone
When you say
That I should let the words go to sleep
because when my head is done for
anything that is said
written
communicated in one way or another
it is so ******* done
that there is no meaning
to be had
other than I am ******* tired

and here i am again
running to this website
to cower behind a screen
and try to make people feel like they're actually needed
hoping that for once,
my pathetic existence meant something to someone
that they can read my poem and know that
you're not alone
in feeling like you're unwanted
like you could exit this earth stage left
and no one would care
you're not alone in feeling like a burden
or a phase for someone to grow out of,
someone else has been there.
so here i am
again
cowering behind a screen
thinking to myself
if only i could make a difference
if only i could save a life
if only my words could have so much meaning to someone somewhere
that i might just be part of the reason they didn't die
part of the reason they feel loved
or understood
because the world is a cruel place
people don't play by the rules

and usually someone winds up getting hurt
not you darling
not  today.