I'm here in presence
But not in mind
In my head, I am running away with you
Down road that no one knew
And we talk about all the things we dreamed of
Even as I'm not the one that you want

But I can sit here
Absentmindedly
Picking at all of my clothes
Waiting for you to come and take me away
Even though I know
I will never see that day

I hate this so much
When I haven't been numbed
By society's icy disposition
And nothing has told me I am horrid
Or that I am nothing
I'm feeling again
And the feeling isn't dread

The forest of fears
Has captured my heart
It has told me
I can do anything I want
Just as long as I give up my mind
With only a blink,
I say no
But I wonder if the Forest knew I was feeling again
So just in case, I wasn't feeling it
I should start feeling pain.
But I hate feeling, I hate that I am vulnerable again
Even though I have always wanted someone
To save me
But I am unsavable
Because I am my own soldier
Who is so ******* tired of feeling

my hair has started falling out,
and there's one too many canker sores in my mouth
my gums have started to climb back
revealing more and more of a yellow, throbbing tooth
i have dark circles under my eyes,
and my weight is no longer consistent
i'm tired
and can't stop crying
because this isn't just forgetting to shower anymore
this isn't just taking an extra long nap
because you're trying to avoid your problems
this is no longer a seasonal sadness,
i can see it on my face
and in my eyes

i was already half dead long ago
i guess my body just had enough waiting

you know,
i have this pen
that i borrowed from somebody,
i don't even remember who it was,
but i kept it,
i still have it,
because i knew that's the pen that you liked
that exact brand,
the same model,
the same ink,
i couldn't get rid of it,
even after the ink ran out,
i kept this stupid meaningless pen,
the one without purpose,
just like i kept these feelings,
i'll keep holding onto them for you
in case you come back
and you need them
like you'd need your favorite pen

Do you remember
When we aimed to happy and pleased
Remember the days when being normal was being happy?
Now that I am in this horrid years
Between the age of 12 and 20
I am stuck with feeling unhappy
Amidst so many others
With less than maintained roads ahead
Remember the days when we didn't wish for death?
Remember when life was easier
Instead of shrouded with hate
Just looking at another person
And waiting for the feeling to fade
Remember the days when we didn't care?
When we didn't care about our clothes
And what made us look fat
Our faces or who we make laugh?
Remember the days when I was loved
And not just seen as a miserable *****?
Remember the days when I had you
To soothe my burning hateful itch
Remember when we didn't have to fear adults?
When we didn't question their intentions
Remember when we were just obnoxious adolescents?
When life was just making your parents annoyed
And butting heads
Remember when life
Was actually fun to live?

He has dark hair
Almost like the night
Dark enough to seem as though it was black
Even though it was blue shining bright
He is completely different in the day
Saying things he would never say
His mouth is a cruel curve
Because everything he says is absurd
His eyes a gleaming blue
To match his night-like hair
He isn't you
I wish you were here

i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out,

i'm really good at it.
really good at ******* water into my lungs

and falling asleep
never to get back up

i took drowning lessons the other day
turns out

this feeling
in my chest

that won't go away
and always ******* persists

it what it feels like to drown
burns

a lot really,
more than you'd think

like if they opened your chest,
filled it with alcohol and lit it up

i took drowning lessons the other day,
thought maybe it would wash me clean

i thought
it could wash away the pain.

Fear is consuming
I don't want to live
But I'm too scared to die
I wonder what I'm worth
If my life is worth anything at all

Depression is consuming
It eats away at me with it's acidic teeth
I have been poisoned
This is what depression does to me

Emotions consume me
Leaving me alone and afraid
Fear fills my bones
As I wonder what is there left to live for
Is there anything left to live for
Other than the rainy days that me feel right
And the way I feel on those lonely gloomy nights

People don't understand why there's nothing left of me
I have been consumed by everything I find consuming

it calls to me,
coos out my name and a sweet song
sung only by those who know her as a love;
but who needs to know that?
it is but useless information
until you hear the song of the moon
and in it's kindness you weep.
her sweet heart sits on your sleeve
dripping a sweet silver dew
of understanding nights
wishing you were her
if only to be admired by so many
just like you.

it is all for not
until it isn't a worthless effort any more;
breathing underneath her radiance, belong only to that of old gods,
the ones that god abandoned when we didn't feel the need for them anymore.
but the moon,
she stayed
as we loved underneath her glow
her mercury-esque cast shadows.
her sweet blaze falls pleasantly on your smile
and i feel the moon in my heart once again;
think of her kindness to me
in nights of dew-dripped eyes,
and flattering silhouettes.
i think of her now,
looking at you.

if i told you all of the dark things
all of the pathological lies i've told
you wouldn't trust me any more
so when i tell you this
believe me
because it might be the only reliable thing i say
don't trust me
don't listen to me
and never think that the words i'm saying are real

I was going to write a poem about chains and dungeons
Just to illustrate how you had trapped me
But that wasn't true
You haven't trapped me
I have trapped myself
In your strange wake that bring me near
Then pushes me back out the ocean of the people caught on your riptide

I was going to write a poem about chains and dungeons
Just so that I could tell about what you had done
How you had kept me there to torture me
And how you didn't know that you were
But then I found that it was all a lie

I was going to write about chains and dungeons
Tell about how you did this to me
But I decided to tell the truth about  this cage
It's made of the strongest brick,
The biggest chains that wrap around me like a python
But this torture
It's self-imposed

I'm afraid to love
Because I know people who "loved"
And hated it
Because it made them feel everything at once

And it hurt them
Because love is blind
And I'm afraid to love
Because I already can't see

i've started watching children's movies
because i can't take a big plot anymore
after everything that i've seen,
something more than a kid's plot makes a dull pain in my head

i've made everything light green,
so i don't overload on color
so that my senses aren't assaulted by the barrage of defiance
willing me to speak at it's unsightlyness

i've started shutting down,
going into to default,
because if i keep creating personalities for other people,
i might just explode

i've left everyone alone
because i can't be trusted anymore.

Become the character
That you write
Lose your reality
A little more
Every night
I am tired of this dullness
Give me an adventure
Let me become the character
That I have worked on so hard
To write

There was nothing I could do
As the knife sunk into your flesh
I was unaware
Of all the pain that I was causing you
The blade that I had
Steadily sinking into you skin
And there was nothing I could do
But say sorry and beg for acceptance from you

I'm so sorry that I hurt you
I never meant you any harm
Sorry for all of the lies that I told
And sorry for the times that you believed them

But there was nothing I could do
As the blade I wielded broke your flesh
And the marks that I made deepened
Causing so much pain

But there was nothing that I could do
There was nothing to be done that could possibly save you

Don't tell me
That I don't know what it feels like
To stress

Don't tell me that I am too young
To understand

I am tired
Of being told
That I don't know

Please tell me that I am smart
Ask me to talk

Don't tell me
That I am things I am not

Her eyes are a green ocean that you could float in all day
Her fur a crimson that will wash you away
My smile grows when I look at her face
And I find myself when I pet her softly

A beauty everyday of the week
My Sasha is truly unique
Her mellow attitude and gentle breath
With put me to sleep, a gentle caress
Sasha is the most beautiful one
Sasha is Rylie's dog

you can ******* try
to hate me more
i don't think that you'll be able to
but you can certainly try
how is that working out for you?
how is hating me,
and talking **** about me
and never saying anything to my face doing?
does it feel good to never have confrontation?
does it feel nice to know that i'll "never find out"?
because i can tell you right now that i will.

so you can try
with all of your might
to destroy me with your words
and i'll just sit here and take it
because sometimes it's hard not to

If a sea could made of tears
Mine would overflow
If something could burn
You from the inside out
I would be ash
If you could drown in shame
My lungs would be full of water
If it was a crime to love someone
That made you hate yourself
I would be charged 20 years to life

Let's just say...
That someday we figured it out
We figured out what it all means
Why we are actually all here
Wouldn't it be a slap in the face
If we just figured out
That we were here for nothing
That all of this struggling
And one-sided love
And hatred
Was for nothing
That we were never supposed to learn anything
Never supposed to figure out who we are
Or help other people that we loved
Wouldn't you be taken aback
That we were here
For nothing at all?
That all those beliefs you had about yourself
And about the world
They were never real
And I know that I'm just rambling
But I don't care
What would you think of it
If we found out we meant nothing at all?

i sit on the throne
blood and mercury dripping down my silver crown
made of sharp diamonds and blades
regal dark green dress as i smile down at you
i've lost myself
but honestly, i don't care
the power rush is too much
sweet heart, best you leave before i hurt you

it's cold in my castle all alone
but for once i control something

To be freed
Is to feed
Lies to everyone
That walks this earth
And smiles when it rains
To be freed,
****, I'd rather feel pain
Freedom is a thing
Sure it is.
But as long as your living on this Earth
You might as well be in prison

To be freed
Yeah, right
We all have this greed
That will keep us from freedom
And this greed keeps us from the night
Where when we wake
Things will rejuvenate
But do any of us
Really believe in true revival,
When we have lost so many
To survival?
All I'm saying,
Is that the point of living
Is to survive
And not to live
This freedom isn't freedom
This "freedom" is jail

he gave me a cunning fox smile
and i lost it

that desperate art kid who writes poetry in the dark
the little one in the corner, that's me

he was this god.
gorgeous, and funny
chaotic like he was a trickster, and i loved it

and now i'm alone
and hoping to see them again

every single last part of me knows that i never will again
that our already small time together was dwindling
and soon they'd move onto something new

i'm just a little tired
that's all

a tiny bit delusional
nothing else

i wouldn't worry about me
not yet, at least

my eyes are bleeding
red dots fill my sclera
my cornea is bruised
from seeing all this chaos

my iris is small
and my pupil big
from all the darkness
in which I had to live

I am sorry to everyone
whose life I have darkened
but will you please stop darkening mine
it's just not fair.

Please stop making my eyes bleed
it hurts too much to stand
I cannot live this way
my life is out of command

please let my eyes take a break
from the screen
please

I want a rest
to not be imprisoned
behind my eyes
because the world has been harsh
and there is so much punishment
for being who you are

let my bleeding eyes rest

sitting here waiting
waiting, waiting still
but you'll never be here will you?
you'll never show up in time,
so i'll be sitting here waiting
wishing for your magical appearance
like a magic show you pay me to watch.
keeping me hooked on your constant entertainment
needing you to be there
but you're not going to show up.
so i'll be sitting here waiting.
see you when i see you, i guess.

Broken words
Sharper than glass
Break the girl's heart
As the blade breaks her skin
What you had done
Has broken her apart
She wanted your love
She wanted to know that you cared
But when she found out the truth
And how many miles away it was
She started breaking apart

She wanted your love
She wanted you heart
But she never wanted you
To break her apart

only in dreams
do i let myself feel happy
only in dreams
do i finally let loose
let my mind venture into depths unexplored
only in my dreams
do i say all of the pretty words
that irrelevant to reality
only in dreams
have i loved you
or at least let myself
because when i love in real life
it hurts

Don't tell me
That I am being weak

Because I have seen too much
To become weak

I'm not weak
Mentally or otherwise

I am the tree they lean on
When they can no longer stand

I'm not weak
I am human

And as humans
We are never perfect

But I am far from weak
And so are you

None of us can be strong forever
Not even the strongest

The same water
That softens the potato
Hardens the egg
It's not the circumstances
It is if what you are made

we couldn't find the page you were looking for
the one where you made the mistake of asking the internet
if you were ******* normal
haha what a laugh
obviously people don't have thoughts like yours
it's quite clear that people don't have to constantly fight themselves
but hey its me
isn't it?
i'm full of wonders, aren't i?

you know that i can't miss the way it was
because we never were
nothing can be used in that way
that grouping "we"
i could never say that about you
all i was to you
was nothingness
a friend you needed to comfort
when all the words didn't get to her head
i obviously couldn't say the same about you
you were so much more to me than you could ever think
all of the words you said
all the warmth i felt in your skin
resonated in my head for weeks
there was no "us"
but i keep talking about it as if there was

i don't know what to write
but i haven't run out of ideas
they're just all jumbled in my head,
one huge mess that i need to uncoil
but the wires in my head are too strong
unable to bend to my thoughts to what i need them to be
like i'm trying to build a sculpture
but the clay refuses to be worked with
turns to steel, which turns to rock
which then crumbles to stone

so, i've hit a rut in the road
and now here i am
writing to an audience who doesn't care for me
who don't really bother reading my poems
just to tell them, i don't know what i'm doing.
i hope you're okay with that.

how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when there was never actually anything between you and me
never anything real at least
there were looks back and forth
and blank stares on my side of things
but i found those eyes of yours like a pool,
one that wanted to drown me
to take me into their lugubrious depths
dismal dismay of the broken ones
was my newest fate
so tell me
how is it possible for me
to miss the way it used to be
when it's the same?
when i'm still drowning
and you still don't care
and i'm still in an oddly chaotic place

The rain falls on the other side of the fence
More than you could possibly know
Flooding the attic
Rather than the basement below
The rain continues to poor
As you look on pretending not to know
As the wind picks up
And send the rain, and the person causing it
Running away
The rain falls on her pillow
With the curt words you said
Terms sharper than any blade
That scraped across her mind

I watch as your relationship festers
And grows old
When the wounds in her mind
Begin to rot
She starts changing herself
Into something she is not
The rain has bent her will to live
Marking her as someone you know
Leaving behind the trails
Making something that will show

Scars on her wrist
From your blunt words
Telling her how worthless she is
And how much she should let it end
I don't think that she could be helped
But she deserves your time
I wish you had known her
Before you called her yours

The paper was crumpled
Where her tears had fallen from the air
She put everything into the pencil marks on the page
Until the day in which it was torn away
She cried so more when people read the words
And called her strange for feeling something inside

The only thing strange was that she felt what they did
Only so much more
They were too scared to show it
Too scared to write it down
Until that day when her tears streaked
The crumpled paper
In which her feelings were shown

She was one of them too
She knew that they would never know
How it felt to have it all there
On the crumpled paper
Because the paper never called you strange
It knew all too well that pain that you were feeling
And everything that you were going through
She found that crumpled
Piece of paper
Quite relatable

C rying all the night through

R inging our the pillow case

Y ou haven't come home yet

I doubt that it with ever happen

N ever felt like this before

G o away. I know of you lies

I am tired of being defined by numbers
How many likes you get on this,
How many followers do you have on that,
What is your weight?
Are you considered fat?
Numbers that rank me
Am I good in math?
No, sadly I have failed that class,
Along with every other class that year,
If I told you how many, you would laugh and jeer
But this is not a joke
No, it most certainly is not
I am tired of being defined by numbers
And always being asked how much

I wish there was a poem for life
Not so many written in the late hours of the night
One that could express love and anguish
All in the same sentence
One that could describe grief and the feeling of a knife
All in the same line

A poem that you could memorize
And tell it to yourself
On all the lonely nights
A poem that could make you laugh and cry
In one sonnet
You would thank whoever wrote it
And cry when they said they didn't
Then your tears would fill yet another ocean

Some people have told me my dreams are something I will never reach
And I have told them to wait until they can really see
Some of them do
They wait for me to succeed but others just sit there
Plan
Commiserate
And curse me when I got there just fine
I laugh when I wish for something
Than obtain it the minute

I wished for a poem of life
It turns out I've already wrote it

dark forest and a couple high teens
the world is spinning around us
as we realize we left ours
glitter and stars and constant laughter
let the music that hits just right
play all around us
like i submerged in the liquid of this feeling
let's hold hands
and cry tears of silver
as saturn decides to play the moon
in our epic play of worlds
will you come with me?
join me in darkness darling
let us be children again
let's believe in magic again

Thrown away
When you are done
I'm tired
Of being disposable

after last night
when you said you didn't want me
and you toyed with me
and you hurt me
i don't want to talk to you
i kind of want to pretend that it never actually happened
but i can't actually do that
not really
i can't just run back to you and apologize,
say that it's all fine
i did some things too
some things that probably hurt you
somethings that i regret
even if i refuse to apologize for them
i feel bad
but i kind of don't at the same time
you said some pretty freaking hurtful ****
i wish that it wasn't like this

but is it even really like this?
or is it just pity?
is it just you trying to make me feel better?
hoping that I do something better
the bottom line is that I don't believe you
I don't believe any of it
I'm sorry but
am I really?

I don't know anymore
I really have no idea what this is
and I really, really hate it

Being exposed to trauma
Made me feel invalid
There are more than one
Identities within this body
But I am a broken bowl
Each shard is unique
And which one is the original?
There isn't one
And I will never integrate
Into one person,
A person like you

My young brain was only trying
To protect me,
But it felt like it was trying to end me

you get bored and change the subject
find something you find fascinating
and throw it at us
just to spice it up
but i'm done with your self-inflicted plot twists
done with the manipulation
i wasn't done talking
wasn't done telling you how i hurt
but that's fine
lets talk about something different
please
by all means

it's a lonely feeling
here with all of these people
none of them talking to me
none of them noticing me
all i am is nothing
here with all of these people
none watching as the tears fall from my eyes
none of them caring
as i worry away about things that i shouldn't care about
it's lonely here and it hurts
i wish it didn't
otherwise, it's not so bad
all of these people not bothered by me
it's not bad at all

all the stars are soaked in tears.
all of the night's darkness covered in concealer
and precariously perched sunglasses.
the moons craters can be healed by some cold water
and carefully applied eyeliner.
but why should we cover what happened?
i mean, it just happened,
it just is.
it's not anything except itself,
right?
there are special tears reserved for the night,
for those particular shadows.
sometimes, it's best that the sun doesn't get jealous
that the moon is the only one who gets to see you like this.
'why love the moon
when it is only a reflection?' the sun asks
'it's like loving a mirror,
it's never going to be real'

oh but the moon knows why you love it
there is no such flattering light
as that which falls on your tears
when you decided to stop brushing them away.

it astonishes me that no one else feels this way
when it's so normal for me
to feel this waterfall of everything all around me
like rain, if there wasn't any air
falling to fast
and all at once
like a sheet of sadness
it makes me happy that no one else feels it
but also a tad crazy
to know that other people do actually cry when they're sad
not just a few drops
when they explode

coping by not caring
by not eating anymore
taking away the things i need
like sleep and a peaceful mind
now everything around me is like a battlefield
a battlefield mind
and battlefield soul
and everything else is nothing
my aching stomach, just a side effect
my never-ending headache
well, it's always been there

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll understand
Why I have this search history

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll have answers to all my questions

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll understand me

I want a nice boy who writes
Because he'll watch me finish my book
And read it with pride

I want a nice boy who writes
And tells me all the best obscure
Internet cafe

I want a nice boy who writes
Because for once someone
Will understand my mind

Cracking my neck
Preparing for battle
Calling my men
Those of whom you can't rattle
You cannot play these mind games
It won't work, these men have been tamed
Place all your bets
Put down your day's wage
Watch and listen
As we end your meaningless day

Cracking my neck
Reading my best work
Laying you to rest
As I read my last word
This adventure has been fun
I'm telling you, it has
But the story is done
You must now go to bed

I'm seeing clearly
Through the tears
Because what I need to see
Is something to do
Something to write
And so far I haven't found it
Behind these sleepless eyes
Because I am too tired
To deal with anything
Other than my drooping lids
And my tear crusted face
But other than that
Life is just great